Last night, Gord went from calmly saying that he was going home in the morning to becoming very agitated. He said that we could get in trouble and he shouldn't be here. I reminded him that he couldn't drive at night. He said he would call a taxi. I asked what address he would give them and he was being secretive and wouldn't tell me. He was so agitated and determined to go that I called our son who is in the next building. He came right away and identified me and that was it. Gord gradually knew who I was. I am lucky that I can call people but would really like to just do it on my own. I could have just let him try to call a taxi but he would have become more agitated trying to find a number and even worse dialing the number. He said he would walk if he had to but it was dark. I was afraid of what might happen to him. Any ideas????? Any advice????
Never, ever feel that you need to do it alone. Use whatever help is available to you. Thank God your son is so close that you can call on him when you need to.
Your situation hasn't happened to me yet, but from what I have heard from others, diversion seems to work. Try diverting his attention from the "going home" idea, and then he will forget about it. It may take awhile, but that is what I have heard works.
Thanks Joan, Maybe I didn't work on the diversion as hard as I should have. I just hate to involve other people. They all have their own problems and there will come a time when I will have to manage without help and I just didn't know how to do it. The Alzheimer's Society says not to stop them from leaving and had it been daylight, I might have just let him go. I was so worried about his being out in the dark, though, and an easy target for anyone.
This too is getting to be a big problem at our house. He hasn't actually tried to leave but is determined to pack everything to take home. What a nighmare. The other day I spent hours in his room putting things back in their places and just all around tidying up his room. This lasts about a day and a half. He keeps taking things(odd things like the cat food)and hiding them in his room. Especially food. Tools from the garage, my clothes, anything and everything. If he can't hide it then it just gets piled on his bed. This becomes a nightly routine I have to clear his bed off and make him go to bed. This only works sometimes. If I don't, I find him still up at 3AM "trying to clean his room" Help! I am at my wits end, I know this is probably trivial to some of you but this DRIVES ME CRAZY!!!!! Especially after a twelve hour shift and being called back in to work at 10:00 PM to come home at 11:30PM and find his bed piled higher than it was before you left, and having to get up the next morning at 5:15AM to work another 12 hour shift. Sorry I needed to vent about this. What can I do? Any suggestions welcome, please!
I wish I could help you on this one, but I am just as baffled as you. I do know it is very common. One of the men in our support group is going through this with his wife. If it's any consolation to you, it's driving him crazy, too. Her clothes are all over the house. Our social workers have given suggestions, such as putting laundry baskets in the room, so she can pile the stuff into them, but they haven't given REASONS for the behavior. I always think that if you can figure out WHY the bizarre behavior is occurring, you may have a better chance of stopping it.
Sorry I am not being helpful, but I did want you to know that you are not alone in going nuts over this.
Hi Denille, We haven't faced that one yet. It is the determination to leave that has me stumped. I just don't know how to stop it if/when it happens again. Joan has mentioned distraction and I have tried that but am not sure if you say something like," look at that spider on the wall." or" I am sure I am having a heart attack." or just what might distract someone in that condition. I have been rambling and am no help to you but at least we are all going nuts.
Jan: Be eternally grateful that your son is nearby & willing to help in an emergency. My husband would jack up the car, & we're on a slope, and crawl underneath to fix something, or lift the hood and with 4 or 5 bottles of fluid look for the right pour holes. I could not stop him, no way, but I'd call our son, he'd come over and sweet talk him, man-to-man stuff and it would be OK until the next time. Your son realizes it's his father and they have a long history together, he really cares and wants to help--let him--it's a blessing--he'll feel better for it--don't shut him out. Too many children wash their hands of the whole thing.
Diversions only work for a time, but they are usually helpful. A diversion might be, "You know, hon, I've been wanting an ice cream sundae all day, let's go get one, don't you just love hot fudge." Then get in the car and go--or you can open the freezer and say, "Can you help me with this, I can't reach the dish." Or, "There's a good movie on TV, or I just borrowed this DVD, let's watch it." And the old standby--"Oh, hon, I'm too tired tonight, but we'll go first thing in the morning, it'll be fun." In the morning he'll forget. As for messy rooms, well, really, who cares? They can move things around faster than you can put it all away. Dump it off the bed and let him go to sleep. Neatness is not a priority w/AD. And the REASONS for odd behavior are not at all logical. It's because brain cells are damaged and all the little messages we normallly send and receive are being short-circuited. You can ask them why? they did something and they may give an answer, but it won't make any sense. It's the nature of the disease.
Thanks, Bettyhere......good ideas. I hope I don't have to try it too soon. We have gone about 6 months since he last was leaving. I am grateful that our son wants to help but they will probably be moving next summer and I am afraid to get too used to the joy of having him so close. They just moved here from Japan on July 22nd. Our son, his wife and our precious granddaughter came so that they could have time with Gord.
As much as I think I know about AD I hope you can enlighten me.... Sunday I had fed my wife breakfast sat her on the couch while I got dressed. It wasn't two minutes when I heard that God awful thud sound and a gagging noise. I ran out to her to find her on the floor gagging drooling heavily and unconscience. I got her on her side to keep her from choking my little one came running I told him to get the phone and call 911. I could not get her to talk or open her eyes, when she finally did open them they were rolled back. I told my sons that there was not much I could do until the paramedics arrived. After getting her to the hospital they said they believe she had a gran mal seizure. They stabalized her vitals and sent her home and told me to call her neurologist. Has anyone had a similar experience. No med given, told may or may not happen again? I am exhausted and fustrated. The last 48 hours have been so hard on the boys and scared me too. I know we all know as AD progresses it gets worse but I pray I can stay with it every day and be there for my sons and her.
i have heard that gran mal seizures can result from Alz. my husband had myclonic episodes (brain spasms looked like mini seizures recently) neuro says if they happen agian we may go the antiseizure meds to stave off a bad one happening. you may need to talk to your neuro also about the meds for gran mal. she could break bones while having one. bad news. maybe be preventative at this point. my best to you, Divvi
Yes, I also experienced quite a few times when my husband wanted to leave. At 3AM one morning, he woke me up and said he had to go to the airport and fly one of his trips. He is a retired Airline Captain and he thought he needed to go to work. I thought really fast and told him I called and his flight was cancelled and he was flying tomorrow morning when it got light and I was going with him. Well, that worked and he went back to bed and of course forgot about what has happened. Another time, about 10 PM at night, he said he was going home and started to leave. I had all doors locked, so, I got dressed and told him I would go with him. He smiled and took my hand and we began our walk down the sidewalk. This did not last too long and he got tired, so, we turned around and came back home. The worst one was in 2005, our last vacation, we were in a Seaside Hotel and about 2AM he decided he wanted to leave. He opened the door and got very agitated. He started to try and open doors on other people rooms and I finally got that under control and then he wanted to go home. Well, again, with my heart pounding and my stress level off the charts, I said "OK, let me get dressed and I will go with you. I want to go home also. I got him back into the room, got both of us dressed and we went walking on the beach. With the sound of the waves, the moonlight, etc. he mellowed out and we came back to the room and went to bed. On the flight back, he decided that he needed to go fly the aircraft and started to get up. I thought "Oh no, everyone will think he is a terrorist, or something like that and I was so scared. But, I told him he has a trip tomorrow and I am going with him. He sat back down and said "OK". On this same vacation, he locked himself in the aircraft restroom and could not get out. Finally, the flight attendents and I got him out. This was a man that for 35 years flew the big jets and now could not even get out of the restroom. So very Sad !! The Flight Attendants were very nice and understood the situation, but, it was still very stressful to say the least. This was our last vacation as it got to be too much for him and me to handle and I never knew when the aggitation and anxiety were going to kick in.
Tony my DH is now in the NH, but, he also had some seizures like symptoms last year. Our neurologist put him on Depakote and it has really worked for him. No more problems. My DH also had Parkinson like symptoms. Unfortunately, last year, I had to put my DH in a home as my health started to fail and I had no choice but to give up the care to other Care Givers. I did the best I could for as long as I possibly could.
I am the sole caregiver for my husband as I have no family and his family live thousands of miles away.At times I find my responsibilities overwhelming. I told his family that eventually I would not be able to look after him and that I would like to have their input regarding future plans. His daughter has asked that he come to live with her permantly. She and her husband are now empty nesters and still in their 40s. They live in a remote area which is a five hour flight and then four hour drive from our home. I would be able to visit only occasionally. Although having some "help" is welcome, this is essentially the end of our marriage.I'm confused..what a difficult dilema. .His daughter does not want him to have to go into a residence.I know , only I can make this decision.
Hi Anna. Good for you for enlisting the input of your husband's daughter. If I remember correctly it has been a rough road for you with your husband, living in a rural area with little help. Does your husband's daughter have an idea of his needs and what he is like to live with? If this is not the case, can she come for an extended visit to both assist you and figure out for herself if this is a feasible plan? Would there be another option, that is for both of you to move close to them into assisted living? I have provided more questions for you than answers and hope I'm not confusing you with someone else. As you said, only you can make the decision and it is a difficult one.
What I'm thinking Anna, is that the daughter may not really know what she'd be getting herself into. In fact I seriously doubt if she does. Could he "visit" her family for a week or so, with the complete understanding that's it's just a respite visit for you? He might live with her for not much longer than that before she'd realize she couldn't handle it and might then look for a care facility. It seems better (assuming this is what you'd want) that you should select a suitable place nearer to you if it came to that.
I have had this experience with my mother, who had AD for 20 years. I believe the diversion that seemed to work was to agree, it is time to go, head out with items packed etc, and then go about in a large circle, and come back to home (where you started from) while assuring, chatting, talk about the night sky whatever. People who are disinhibited, as AD does for many, will become more oppositional and agumentative frequently. I have found, in my experience, agreeing, even with the littlest thing, it's cold, it's dark, anything, will swing the perosn over and allow for a resolution. Of course, if it doesn't work, be sure to have a cell phone nearby or someone who knows what you are doing and can come and find you before too long, if you have decided to take the walk, sit outside etc.
With my mother, she would want to go home, although she was, at the time, living at home where my father cared for her. Somehow she was thinking of some other familiar but distant place. We would go out, literally walk around the block, and (always) express surprise and relief that here we were, finally home, and she would calm down. I am on this message board because of my husband, but I had 20 years of experience with the disease with my mother. I hope some of this helps someone.
Moving closer to his daughter is not an option. We presently live in a remote area which is difficult but at least I can drive to familiar places where I have friends and worked for 35 years . I could never move to a remote area across the country where I have no friends and would have to drive two hours or more for EVERYTHING. Daughter admits that they have no real idea what they are getting into. However both she and her husband are very enthused and he has had some medical training in the military. She can't come for a visit as they have animals, and other responsibilities which keep them close to home. I appreciate your comments. I know, it's an option that needs a lot of consideration. I'm also going to look into assisted living closer to us when our property sells. Too many decisions and responsibilities.
Anna, It was stupid of me to suggest that you might move closer to your husband's daughter. I don't know what I was thinking. Of course it makes much more sense to stay where you have the support of friends. It still would be good to figure out a way for her to give you some relief, maybe as was suggested to have him visit with her for a time. Having to sell your property without a supportive husband is another huge stress and I feel for you. I wish you well.
Inge, Yes I have many changes to make in my life this summer and many decisions . THis is the first time in my life that I miss having family to help me. I appreciate your support,ideas and comments.
Anna, my children love my husband and they love me, and they don't want to even think about what is happening to their father because it is devastating to them. Also, they are concerned that they will get Alzheimer's too. One of my daughters is living with me and helping me with my husband. This is ideal for us. However, we both work, and it is getting close to the time we are going to have to have day care. We're looking into CareLink and other organizations that the Alzheimer's Association has found.
If there is a Church close by, you could approach your minister and ask him if he knows of anyone in the Church who could come to your house and help you. Maybe even set up a "once every two weeks" roster with several members. It is just a suggestion.