I have had years where I have had to intervene when DH has started yelling at store staff or waiters but until last week I have never had to literally remove him from a place but grabbing his arm and pushing him by the back out the door. We were at a restaurant and there were only tow couples sitting at tables but he rest of the place was empty. The staff member who can to greet us said she couldn't seat us as all the seats were reserved for three bus loads coming in. dH just lost it and started yelling at her about regular customers being pushed aside for strangers. I tried to calm him but he just kept it up. I took his arm and put my other hand on his back and spun him around and pushed him out the door. Once outside I was able to quiet him. Thursday afternoon a young lady parked in front of our house and she parked in fron to the hydrant. He was furious and took for the door just livid and he was all set to go out and tell her what for. I asked him nicely not to go, no response, I raised my voice, no response so I just flew across the room and got between him and the door and again spun him around away from me and the door and really I guess I threw pushed him down the hall. He stopped and just walked into the kitchen and down the stairs. I waited a few minister to give him some time then I went downstairs and hugged him and told him why I did what I did and he just put his head on me and was quiet. Yesterday he can and thanked me for stopping him. He said I just can't stop myself when I see something that I don't like and I would have caused a big hassle for nothing. I need to go to the LTC soon. It is hard for me to understand how he can loss it over something so small and then realize what he did was not right. I thought after" what did you do? He could have pounded you to a pulp!!" But at the time I just wanted to stop him from going out that door. Not smart at all!! I am going to miss my kind and loving husband so much , but not this bossy no it all. It is so sad to watch and see these terrible changes that make him into someone I don't know or want to be around. I am really afraid of how I will handle my new life but it will be better then this. He started yelling at me when I was on th phone with my son last night and I had to tell him to go back to what he was going and stop interfering he left the room. My son called back a few minutes latter to see if he had settled down any. He had so there was no need to come over. I am find Inge that if I get cross with him he backs off, but I don't know how long that will work. Trying to be nice sure doesn't. It just gives him the idea that he can continue as I will take it and not respond. He get a satisfied smirk on his face if he thinks he has won. He will also get that satisfied smirk on his face when he is trying to hide something from me.
all I can say is medication. say anti anxiety or such for these outbursts. sounds like he needs to be on more than just as needed. when you put him into the facility they wont tolerate any aggression or outbursts. you will have your hands full and if hes unable to fit in without these nasty incidents then they wont take him for long. again many of us use Ativan, but sounds like maybe a trip to your neurologist prior to placement to iron out the meds of choice is the only solution. sorry but many here have had aggressive issues and facilities will not tolerate that.
Divvi is right--the answer is medication. Sadly, nothing can be done about the underlying disease, but the anger can be addressed by an experienced specialist and you can, at least, get that off your plate. Whether he is at home with you or in a care facility, these issues need to be addressed for his quality of life and yours, as well.
The LTC he is going to has a secure floor and they will put him there if needed and also his Meds will be up graded. This LTC is affiliated with the dementia specialist in the area and the university. They already know his behavior problems.
I also went thru the same experiences as Jazzy.Sometimes I wished the floor would open and swallow me. It is terrible to be in public and for no reason have them explode over nothing.It went on for a couple years. And such foul mouth yelling.When new people moved in on the next farm, he went out and threatened the children that he would shoot their dog if it came near the property line.Nice way to greet new neighbors.Then he went to their house and swore and screamed at them.And he would rant and rave when I was on the phone,many times I had to cut the conversation short.Now he is so meek and mild,and I guess the worse of the temper tantrums is over. Oh, I found this one funny, we were grocery shopping and he wanted me to buy ice cream. I said we already had some at home. He screams in the middle of the store,like a 3 yr. old. " I WANT ICE CREAM,I WANT ICE CREAM'. Boy that turned heads. I can laugh now,but Jazzy, I know exactly how you feel. Hugs to you.
Jazzy - I went and talked to an elder nurse in the mental health unit in a larger city by where I lived. She and the geri-phyciatrist set up the emergency extraction with the police and hospital in my area. He would then be transferred down to the large hospital phyc ward. If I remember right you're by Ottawa....you may have to go there to find the nurse that specializes in elder care only. She has been a god send for me.
It seems as if there are quite a few of us dealing with aggression with spouses in stage 5. With summer here it seems to increase the feelings of being trapped with life passing us by.
We have a crisis line here for caregivers to call and the police will be here in an instant as he is registered with them. I was trained as a security guard and have no fear of what I would need to do if it ever came to that. He was reminded of that when I sent him quickly down the hall. His illness has also made his muscle particle mush so he is very weak and can't handle lift anything anymore, so I am not worried. He is a calm little pussy cat since that incident and has made sure I know he will be more careful. He is now coming and asking me what he can and can't do now like a child asking Mommy for permission or guidance. It is really sad. It's difficult when you realize that in order for him to go to LTC that six people must die first. I think, that in my prayers, I will ask for peaceful and painless deaths for all of them and comfort for their families. I have a neuro- geriatric team including a phyciatrist and a phycologist and a geriatric nurse that care for him now and it will be the same at the LTC. Yhouniy It's not funny but he has done the same to me. We went shopping,last time ever, and he wanted this certain can of salmon and when I said we had some at home he through a, I call them, he haw's and this lady just glared at me. I glared back and said " he has dementia, want him?" She left very quickly. Now I laughed at that reaction from her. It drove me nuts because he said" can't I have them? Please can't I have them? I don't take him anymore. I do the shopping when he is in Day a way. Less stress. All though I am not able to say smart ass things to these people who think you are abusing him. Not much fun anymore. Maybe some day I will be able to laugh about this stuff but right now not so much. I'm busy trying to figure out who I am after being his wife for all these years and how I will build a life for me without him. Not so easy.
Jazzy - sounds like you have everything under control..."he has dementia, want him" Well I had a good laugh over that. What a great come back. Can I use it?
Anytime. Make sure to look at their reaction. Brings a good laugh. They will literally buggy away as fast as they can go. It is so,sad that people are so afraid and leave caregivers to fend for themselves. Families and friends are no help. I am just so tired. I hear every sound at night and I go to bed at the same time he does but I only need eight hours so if he goes at 21:00 then I am up at 05:00. He sleeps until 08:30 pr 09:00 except for day away days. I hear that it will take me about three weeks to not listen for him once he is in care. I wish I could take all these fears and sleepless nights and all the other bad stuff caregivers go through and just put in a big barrel and drop it in the sea and then give all of these wonderful caregivers roses everyday, oh yes and ChocoLate! LOL No physical force need to enjoy them!,
Lloyd got aggressive at times. If he would shove me, I would shove back with one hand and be ready to catch him with the other hand. I always told him if he wanted to be mean, we would both be mean. He knew that I meant business. I would tell him there are things we just have to do (changing poopy or wet pants) and we just needed to get it done. If he was in a mood, I would limit my interaction with him except for basics. Shoot, there was one time I had to stay in our bedroom with him for about 12 hours because he refused to put on any clothes. There were times I slept in front of the bedroom door to keep him in. I avoided more medication at all costs. I wanted him to be here on his terms with all his wits (few as they were) about him. I figured he was already impaired and I didn't want to impair him further. Luckily it worked for me and in the end he was able to die in his own bed at home. Such a blessing to be with him every minute possible. Sorry you are having such a time of it, Jazzy. Sometimes their worlds shrink to the size that there is only room for themselves and no one else. So sad.
Thanks! Things are getting better since he decided to go to LTC to live. He is happy that he will not have to out up with caregivers with him all the time. I don't think he realizes that there are more watching him there then here. The only thing now is that he wants to make sure the house is ready to be sold and all his things are gone and that everything is packed and ready for me to move when it is sold. He also wants it sold as soon as he goes to LTC. This is not necessarily possible if he doesn't get his bed until Set or Oct then I don't want to have the house one or sale in the low market and would rather wait until spring. He also is concerned that I will have no one to clear dead leaves or shovel snow. I hired people to do this last year as he couldn't do it himself, but he has forgotten all of that now. I think he wants me close to him but he has told me I can't come to visit him to often as I might interfere with his activities. You just don't know how or why they think things. I have decided that I must take control of my life and get out more but it is hard when he is here and not at Day aWay as he is so pushy and big bully to have his own way and can't be left alone. I am just not going to end up in a depression over this. The light came on in my brain a few weeks ago and it feels much better and now knowing he will be going to LTC soon really helps. I just keep packing and putting boxes on storage shelves. I think when people come to see the house when it is on the market that they will think that I am in a hurry to move. Whatever it takes to keep him happy!! Linda Mc How are you doing with living alone now that your partner is gone? How long has it been? Maybe I shouldn't be asking you these things. Sorry if I over stepped?
Jazzy, you are correct that you must take control of your life. It starts with not letting him make any decisions about the house. Go ahead and make it look like your are preparing to sell the house, but once he is out do what you wish. Stay in the house if you can afford it. Or if you do sell, move where you like and sell it when it makes sense. If I remember correctly he was trying to tell you to move to an apt close to the LTC.
My wife is looking at the move as if she was moving into her college dorm. I don't think she understands the amount of help that will be there, even though she understands that someone else will be providing all of her meds.
Jazzy - are you really going to sell your house or are you just going through the motions to make him happy and keep him calm. I haven't decided what I am going to do but all the advice I have been given is wait for one year and then make a plan. If you do move out to Edmonton (do I remember right) then maybe we can do a meet up on that mountain in Banff.
Right now I am just packing and getting things done as he wishes to keep the peace in this house. I don't know what I am going to do but right now I will do what ever to keep him quiet and calm. I am making sure not to pack things that I will need if I decide to spend the winter here. With him being bv Varient Fronto he wants to control everything and to have everything his way, so it is just wait until he is in LTC and then do as I need to for ME! I will be moving back to Edmonton if he passes before me. Maybe I won't be to old by then to return and be near my son. At least I won't have to much to move!! I would love to meet you on that Mountain top if you look up Banff on the web you will be able to see the gondolas and the look out they take you too.
Banff is about 800 km from me...been up the gondolas years ago....another thought if you are in Edmonton. Jasper is 361 km from Edmonton and 390 km from me. So if you ever get out here lets make a plan to visit one or the other or maybe both!!! I plan to do a lot of traveling once I place him.
Glad you're only going through the motions...selling and moving are big steps. He, like mine, wants to control us.
The gondolas at Banff are much newer and safer then when you were there. And yes Jasper is half way. I may just go next summer if I sell the house and all that. I will let you know. We could leave Jasper and rive down the parkway the mountains are beautiful there.
Lloyd passed away February 18th of this year. I am not living alone. My daughter and her 2 boys and her significant other (who is now insignificant) moved in November 2010 when I realized I needed to quit work to be with Lloyd 24/7. Sebastian is now 20 and Alex is 18. Sebastian joined the Navy a year ago and Alex will leave for college next month. My oldest daughter's house burned in April so her son and his girlfriend came to live with us then. Then my first great granddaughter Amelia was born in June and came home to live at my house. Gabe, Maggie, and Amelia just moved out today. My oldest daughter has one son who still lives here so I imagine he will come and stay until he gets on his feet. Then there is Alex's dog Bruno. We got him a few days before Lloyd died and he is a cross between the best company ever and a royal pain in the ass...why does that make me think of Lloyd? March I packed up and went to Florida with my oldest daughter and her daughter for about 10 days. It was a much needed escape from other people's ugliness that I never dreamed possible. I have worked on occasion for my sister who owns a tanning salon which brought extra money under the table and bonding time with her. I have not slept through the night since he died. I really miss him and sometimes I catch myself thinking my work here is done and I just want to be with him. The thought of finding another male companion makes me want to cough up a hairball...just not interested. I hope things improve with time...so I just take one day at a time. Jazzy, no, you did not overstep. If anyone here has a question, they should ask and benefit from another's experiences.