By the time we use this wonderful message board we are at our wits' end. Many times DH is not what I want to say but I don't have a better idea. Our relationship is ended. Any better ideas?
I understand how you feel. I don't feel like calling hubby DH especially when I am upset with him. I want to call him other things to his face but don't and I sure don't call him names on this board.... It wouldn't be printable!! LOL
Right now I can't blame his behavior on AD because he is still highly functional and rational in a lot of areas. I could be wrong though, it could be the AD and not from being stubborn. Things just aren't black and white right now with him and his behaviour. I have found out is so mind boggling to know in the early stages if it is the AD or not.
Maybe someone needs to come up with a new term for husbands that we can use and one that we can all identify with when we are at our wits end. Our relationship had basically ended years ago but I always had hope we would find our way back to each other. Well, AD took that hope away from me now. I am sorry your relationship has ended too.
I just say "my husband". I don't think I've ever used the DH abbreviation. And by the way, not anywhere, at any time in the 10 years or so I've been online in one place or the other. Has nothing to do with being angry with him. I'm just not big on emoticons or most of the online abbreviations.
damn, dreadful, disgusting, disappointing, dipwad (my own term....... I think).
Terms I felt before AD. But I guess now I'd honestly have to say I "think" those terms now because of the AD.
I should use the abbreviation ADS, or ADH for AD spouse, or AD husband.
About that relationship - ours had ended in 1998 due to alcoholism. However, he voluntarily went to inpatient rehab, and after several months separation we reconciled. We finally became a family (and a couple) again, and were rebuilding a relationship. We moved to our present home, somewhat rural with acreage to live our dream. He loved working outdoors, and I was loving it too. But by 2004 the dream and the relationship was dead again. Lost to AD.
I think we should continue to use DH but think of it as "dementia husband" - that way new lurkers won't get confused if they read last year's posts and then new posts. That should keep both those of us who still think of "dear husband" and those who think of "d*&^#$" husband satisfied with the initials! :)
Don't expect me to ever use the term DH. I didn't use it from the 1st day I found this site, even though I saw everyone else was. B.S. I have to remain true to myself, even if I am judged.
I am so sorry New Realm. You both were back on track and then boom your hit with this out of the blue. You should be proud of your husband for getting sober and staying sober. Hang on to that because that means he cared about himself enough and loved you enough to go to rehab and get his life back so you two could have your relationship back the way it should be.
I dont know how it would be possible for me to cope with AD for so many yrs if the relationship wasnt strong at the onset. its bad enough the misery of having your spouse drained of his intelliect, self esteem, personality, and reason even with a good relationship.- its just overwhelming to think i'd be stuck caring for yrs for someone i didnt still love or want to be with and no way out. divvi
Yadee da, Yadee da. I swear, those people who sacrifice all are just confounding to me. Sorry, but I have a life to live. I am NOT terminal, I am in MY right mind, I want to LIVE. Sorry again for being the black sheep of the family, but I swear, if I hear of one more loving, sweet thing someone is doing for their spouse I'm going to puke. Sorry, sorry, but going into a meltdown just watching, hearing spouses going through all of this. Maybe I need to get off this site. I am so opposite of most. I would miss you guys.
Oh Val!!! STAY!!!! You can't help how you feel any more than we can help how we feel! You don't blame us for loving our husbands and we don't think any less of you for wanting a divorce. What is right for you, is right for you and we support you! We all have lives to live and we are not terminal either. I am going to live. I have a life outside this house. I have plans for the future. When your job starts, you will too! You will have lunch with friends more and talk to people more. YOU ARE NOT THE BLACK SHEEP!!! Have a couple of glasses of wine ( or some other liquid of your choice) and things will look better! Plan for that divorce in your head and for your life thereafter, but stay with us here.....
For some of us, that 'real' person that he was - before the symptoms took hold (even if we didn't know it was 'symptoms' yet) - that person was very, very dear to us. Did wonderful things for us, was thoughtful and loving.
The fact that that is no longer the case - well, that still won't drive a lot of us away. Because of the prior very good history. We know it's not the real person now. We may not be able to live with him. The left-over feelings and knowledge of that very good person are still there, inside our heads, inside our memories.
Look how Joan describes Sid. For so many years, they were a wonderful couple. Now he's driving her crazy . . . well, his AD is driving her crazy. Yet she knows that's not the 'real' person.
Val, believe me, you are no different than I was except I never considered divorce because we had a great marriage, BUT, I was the pampered princess my whole life, first my parents and then my husband. So, how could I be expected to handle this ugly animal we call AD? I pouted, I cried, I fought, I screamed, and in the end I
Whoops, sorry I must have hit a wrong button....LOL....but as I was saying, in the end I took care of him and made it through.
I kept saying that I wanted my "real life" back....I wanted to continue to work, I didn't want to have to babysit a grown man....I didn't want to clean and diaper the man I had married.....
I was no angel, believe me....I hated my life for a good long while......
Val, we need EVERYONE'S input. I'm no where near where some of the others are and there are days when I get so exasperated I could scream. I keep getting told how strong I am. Just about 30 minutes ago I got a call from one of my sons. The last time I'd talked to him he'd been rather--shall we say--short with me. I didn't like it and told him so. He said he was mad at me. "Why" I asked. Well, says he:
Who else can I be mad at? Can't be mad at my wife. I have to live with her. Can't be mad at my kids because they are my kids. Can't be mad at my siblings, I don't see them often enough Can't be mad at my dad because he's (get this) HE'S SUCH A DEAR, HUMBLE MAN. But, you. You're my mom. You're the tough one and when I need to vent, I call you.
Right now, I'm not thinking he's such a dear, humble man but he sure has his kids fooled.
Check the Previous Blog section of the home page. Scroll down to #53 - Alzheimer's Disease and the Unhappy Marriage.
See, I told you we have dealt with ALL spousal issues on this website.
The strange thing is that before my own husband got AD, I knew of 3 other marriages affected by the disease, and two of them were unhappy marriages. When this happened to us, I COULD NOT IMAGINE how horrible it must be to those who were not happy to begin with. Look what it does to strong, loving marriages, never mind shaky ones.
Val, do stay. What do we do when the next woman shows up here who NEEDS to get a divorce? She is going to need your input. And for all we know there are two dozen lurkers out there in your very situation.
There are marrages here at a lot of different levels. Yours is one level. There are other people who are dealing the the death of good to great marrages and there are some of us, myself among them, who didn't have a great marrage and didn't have a bad one either. Basically it was OK.
I know you are still getting something out of being part of this support group, this family. As long as that is true, stick around.
I agree, it takes a very strong past history, marriage .. to survive it "together". I have known people who simple dropped their LO in a nursing home and carried on with their lives. They didn't have a good marriage to begin with. It makes ALL the difference. Don't stop posting Val, we don't judge you, you can't help how you feel.
No more than I can't help that I will sacrifice all for Lynn. I have people question me all the time! Everyone has an opinion.. I hear all the time ..."You are 41, put him in a home, get a new life a new husband." And I have had more offers than I care to think about on being "the other man" I DON'T find that flattering at all, I could puke just thinking about it. All I can guess is they have never had the kind of love Lynn and I have. I can't just throw away or walk away from a 23 year history filled with unconditional love. When I was having my health issues, brain surgeries that could have left me a vegetable, he stayed right by my side and was a wonderful caregiver... he deserves no less from me.
Now that isn't to say he doesn't drive me to the breaking point some days! BTW I never use the term DH... I call him by his name, or my husband. But if on a bad day…I did have to use DH it would be d--k-head LOL
huh! Duck head? Well, I happen to like ducks. And Donald Duck is my hEEE=ro, Nikki. So lay off the ducks. Or has Lynn driven you Quackers? ..................................................quack quack quack!
actually, I do use a different vowel in that d--k at times. I did get an administrative warning elsewhere for using it. LOL! ( the truth is, far worse words were used by others on that thread. I guess the admin there didn't want to be accused of playing favorites if they didn't reprimand me too).
Thanks all, thanks Joan. I looked up what you suggested. When I typed in What About AD & the Unhappy Marriage, 5 others popped up as well. I got a lot out of reading Mixed Feelings. So I see I am not alone in not having decades of happiness to look back on. Saw the woman who had been married to a physician & he had ruined them financially too. Needed to see "the other side."