Have there been threads discussing the amount of awareness of the patient at the time of placement? My DH doesn't always recognize our home as home, or me as his wife but he does recognize our familiarity. The degree of confusion varies from hour to hour and day to day. Just when I think that now is the time for placement he will have a moment or day of enough lucidity to know that he is being placed and it would make him both sad and angry. He is becoming incontinent and is very resistive to wearing different underwear - whatever I do for him seems to have negative feedback for me. He is a young 63 and active and I worry too that placement will not have enough activities to keep him occupied (not that I am doing a good job at that). He is so much younger than the other residents of the the ALFs I looked at. It just doesn't seem like he would fit in, yet I think we have reached a point that placement is necessary for my sanity. I would appreciate some direction to previous discussions or opinions on this.
Good question. I am planning to place my husband in an ALF the end of the summer. I have been very honest with him but of course he cannot remember. He has been at this place several times and does not remember ever being there. I had someone tell me u place them when YOU are ready. It is not so much when the DH is ready. I am ready and I think he is too since he wandered into the women's restroom at the senior center and did not know where he was. He needs help with everything and now can hardly say a coherent sentence but he knows me and his house and his kids but not he grandchildren. He has had a few accidents but incontinence is not a huge problem for now. My DH is 74 and has declined a lot in the last 6 months. He is losing weight despite seeming to be eating all the time. The doctor says it is part of the disease and I was told by the alz association to contact hospice because he may qualify for failure to thrive. I am calling them next week
I am placing my wife soon. She is very aware and is, so far, cooperating, she know about placement. I visited a number of ALFs and appropriate activities vary. I only saw one place that had people watching tv in the commons rooms. You have to consider regular ALF vs Memory Care. Activities may differ and the average age and ability. I picked a place that has both types of care and doesn't have a strict line between them. I feel that my wife needs the greater structure that we cannot give at home, and to make the move before she shows some of the problems you mention.
I was very concerned as to how my DH would take placement, but after going to respite he loves the place and has chosen to go on his own. This has made it much easier for me and I have to thank him for giving me this gift. We have now decided " my idea" that we can have day time dates. He will call me when there is a good group coming in and we will have lunch together then go to the concert. This planning is not easy as I know he will forget and I will have to keep track of his activities so this can happen once in a while. I dreaded having to make the decision you are both having to make and am thank full for how it is turning out for us. He was # 40 on the list a week ago yesterday now he is # 10. Moving up fast, maybe to fast for me. This is heartbreaking no matter who makes the decision or when it comes.
My wife just turned 67, is fully aware, and is now on a room wait list for Assisted Living. I agree with paulc ... you will find ALFs vary widely ... and with CO2 in that you must pull the trigger on placement when you are emotionally and intellectually ready. I was intellectually ready 6 months ago ... but not emotionally ready until 2 months ago. That's when we checked out different ALFs and I placed Clare on the wait list.
marche, my husband was also 63 when placed. Oh how I read the same things that went through my heart and head during that process. It really sounds like time for each of you that posted here. After spending 4 hours at home with Dado, (brought him home for a short visit as he seemed so "lucid"), oh how I knew I had made the right decision to place him. My back is so sore today from trying to adjust him in his chair and a failed attempt to put him on the toilet. By the end of the visit he was reaching for unseen things and yelling.
I think as their stage gets more advanced, we try to much to see things that are not there. Like, because there are tears rolling down his face he is sad about his situation, though in reality, that is rarely the case. He just cries because his mind cannot control that area of when and when not to. (Of course there are times when the tears are real)
or, we interpret a look meaning they are mad at us. What I do when I visit, is just tell him, that I love him, that I have done the best for him, and I thank him for continuing to support our household though he is not there.
You know the first month he was there, he did get agitated when I left. That soon changed as those short term memories did their thing and now he is fine.
I wonder if many of you will feel like me in this regard...that...in this "in between period", where it is likely he will die before me, and I will have to watch, that I feel a sense of it is not really real and life is fine.
Coco -"sense of it is not really real and life is fine"
Yes! I want this to go away and I want to go back. I don't believe this is really happening and many more thoughts that run through my mind.
I have told hubby many times what is happening and how he chose where he wanted to go...good choice. He still forgets which I think is a good thing. I've signed the last of the paper work and I am just waiting for the phone call. My stomach is in a knot all the time and I'm not sleeping well but I will get through it.
It is hard to see what our LOs can and cannot do. L can handle watching recorded programs on the DVR because she does it a lot. She couldn't turn on the water to the garden yesterday because she hasn't done it for a long time.
My decision to place came after it was clear that Jeff didn't know where he was when he was at home, rarely knew who I was, and place just didn't seem to matter. As it happened, he was just hitting a time of greatly increased agitation, and he did have to leave his ALF memory unit for several weeks for med adjustment at a geripsych hospital. He was having episodes where he perceived that he was somewhere he didn't want to be, and was getting aggressive. Problem is, he had been starting to do that at home too--so the problem wasn't really the placement, per se, it was just the paranoia that his brain was beginning to experience.
I found out the hard way that you just can't plan for something's, this being one of them. I thought Lynn would want to go home and I just knew what he was going to miss the most was our dogs. He loved them so much! We could not leave the house for even half an hour without him going ballistic and repeating over and over that we had to get home to our puppies.
I figured he was so far advanced that he would ask to go home, but that in a day or two he would forget. He WAS that advanced but what I didn't know about was a phenomenon known as emotionally mediated memory. Basically what that means is if an "event" has enough emotional impact, it can be remembered, at least for a time.
The trauma of placement had a great impact on Lynn and he became crystal clear in some areas of his memory. He had not called me by my given name in a very long time, he didn't always know who I was at home. But once placed the trauma was such that he DID recall many things. He knew I was his wife, he knew and used my name and he begged me to go home with me............ it was devastating just how clear he was for awhile there. (though he never once mentioned our dogs)
As the doctors assured me it would, the sharpness of the emotions faded and so did his memory of the events. It was a hard transition at first, but he did transition right in the time frame they told me he would.
I hope your experiences are more pleasant than ours was. Though it was the single hardest thing I have ever done, it was also the most loving thing I could do for Lynn. He needed more care, more stimulation and more structure than I could provide at home. He is so happy in his little world and he often believes he built his new home. It's all so sad!!! But we have to love them enough to do what is in their best interest. Bless you all as you go through this ((hugs))
Until about six months before his death my husband was not at all ready to consider placement. He was still in his 40's and that made things all the more challenging. Many facilities would not even consider a person in that age group.
Fate and circumstances intervened and following a hospitalization late in April 2012 it became necessary to have him placed. As some other posters here know, the observation of paramedics, etc., of my bruises came into play. As Coco related here on other threads, he did not mean to hurt me but trying to pick up his 6'2" body after multiple falls had consequences.
It was the aggression, the violence: I have been told it got to the point where it was my life or his but don't know if I can accept that at this time.
Has anyone here placed their lo in a Adult Family Home? There is a very nice ALF close to our home that I think he would like (heck, I would like it!) and it is owned and operated by a retired fireman with a heart for the memory impaired. He assures me that he can keep Herb to the end. I'm a bit confused about placing in ALF's or NH's. It seems to me that ALF'S aren't secure and if he has a tendency to wander (he doesn't yet, but who knows about later) and NH's are. Memory Care units are secure but seem to be a last stopping place. Do I have this all wrong?
Herb still remembers me and his children, although, sometimes forgets that he has grandchildren. He does ask often if "this is our house" and "did we buy this house new" and "have I been married before"??? He can dress himself but often gets things backwards - I have to lay everything out for him. He has a full-time catheter now which isn't really much of a problem but he doesn't usually remember what that tube is for or that he can't go pee in the toilet, I think diapers would probably be more trouble. Other than that, no health problems now that the prostate issue has been remedied. His meds have kept him sweet and calm for several years now. I wonder if that will wear off in time?? Sure hope not, I don't want to go through his aggression again. So, although I am thinking of placement, I also am not sure of when it should be done, I think he'd really fight me now.
motherT, Dado is in an Adult Foster Home. They can take up to 4 patients, right now they have just two which is nice. AND , it is only a MILE from us.
Now, I may be quite lucky, though nothing is perfect, they do take good care of him and he eats really well. I have gotten it down to a schedule for visits and I can even take him out for a few hours at a time. (It is getting too hard to do that now...)
On the downside, it is a family home, so sometimes if there are dynamics in their lives I feel bit uncomfortable, or if someone is grumpy. And I do have to pay a co pay of $418.00 a month even though Medicaid is on board. Does not sound like much but it is a real struggle, and by the end of this year I don't know if I can do it anymore. Of course I am hopeful it will work out.
So like anything mothert, there are likely good and bad Foster homes. Worth looking in to though, it is more homey.