As I have told you my DH has decided to go to a nursing home, his decision not mine, I just went along with it rather then fight and it is the right thing. Now he tells me that it is either that or a legal separation. Hie s telling me that he is having, " intimate" conversations with a caregiver, 24 year old, at the day a way. I checked with them and they say this isn't happening. When he tells me these things he smiles as if to say he has put one over on me or how do you like that! I am just so beside myself with worry that he make a sexual advance to her and he will not be accepted at the residence. He has already invited her to come and visit him at the home, but with drew that as he said" I guess I crossed the line" she said yes you did. We had such a loving and wonderful marriage and relation ship. We had our bad days but not that bad that we Would have walked out. Now this. It's really hard to look at all of this as the disease as he acts so normal and everyone thinks there is nothing wrong with him. They look at me like I am nuts or " the bi..ch. I just can't get my head around why he has turned on me and just pushed me aside. I just don't know how to get passed this anger and frustration with this man who is passing himself off as my husband and wants to dump me. I just can't remember ever doing anything that would make him hate me like this. He says he just can't live with me as his boss. He says " I have always been boss in my house and I will not give that up, I will move out first". I don't tell him what to do or when to do or push him in any way. It's just that I now I have all the responsibilities as he can't be bothered anymore.
I know, I know,"IT'S THE DISEASE"
Thanks for being there. I guess I just needed to kick and scream.
Dump, scream, kick and yell all you want to, Jazzy. This must be so hard for you! But...at least he is the one wanting to leave and isn't insisting that YOU leave! That would be so much worse. Yes, it's the disease - but doesn't make it any easier. ((((((HUGS))))))))))))
Jazzy, I know how you feel...sort of. About 1 year before he was diagnosed, my husband looked at me and declared he was no longer sleeping in the same bed with me (no reason given) and moved into one of the guest rooms. Also at that time he was becoming physically abusive which was escalating and he was heavily into internet porn, denying the charges were his, etc. It was an overall horrible time in my life and a first in our marriage. 2007 was the year from hell.
Yes, it's the disease and I do believe they cannot control it. At least he's willing to go live in a facility, so you won't have that fight to fight. But yes, it is hurtful and makes you question your relationship and marriage but it is the disease and we can really do nothing about it. (((HUGS)))
Thanks! I just don't know how we can put these feeling behind us. It hurts so much. He was always so sweet and attentive and caring, now I just don't know this man in my house. Tonight he is just as sweet as can be, but I wonder what he will come out with next. This here but not here is sure hard on the ticker!!
Jazzy, I feel so sorry you are at this stage. We went through this a year and a half to 2 years ago. He was at a really nasty abusive stage and told me daily that he was going to divorce me. If I did anything or said anything he would hit me in the head or grab my shoulders and shake. He never did tell me where he sas going to go when he divorced me.
Jazzy I am so sorry. I know how this feels. Mine will still say he wAnts a divorce every once in awhile. Usually when he is mad at me. He says no one tells him what to do. He feels that I am the one taking away everything, work, driving, etc. He just said it 3 days ago. I thought he was out in his garage, but when I went out he was gone. I called his phone and he had walked away 1 1/2 miles from the house. He did not know his way back. I went And got him. He really knows he needs me. But it does hurt so much.
MaryinPA. I hope that he is not physical with you still. I don't know what I would do in that case. He does get so angry it scares me. But usually if I go in another room he is fine when I get back.
ladies I feel so for you all. this part of this hideous disease reaps so much pain and sadness on top of what we already know we will lose. this nasty side and abusiveness talk and actions seem to be a very real symptomology of FTD mainly- and we have discussed in length the nasty side that can manifest out of nowhere. many of our spouses may even suffer overlinking of AD, FTD and or vascular variants of each or some. so we just never know when this side can appear. in time it may go away hopefully. I know in mid stages my DH was a terrible runner and was nasty for a shorter time. with meds I was able to control his behavior til he moved into a new stage which was calmer. its not easy times. please know we are here and willing to listen. take precautions if they get angry. it can escalate in a heartbeat for no apparent reasons.
Our marriage troubles started several years before the DX. He would tell me he did not want anything to do with me because I caused him to much stress. Then a few days later he would tell me I was the best wife in the world. This went on, off and on for a few years. Then the DX and it all fell into place. Did not make the pain go away. Just made it easier for me to understand. At one point he even said no one else would want me. This is a cruel way to live.
Oh Jazzy, I am sending you a big hug. It is incredible what we put up with! A lesser spouse would get the divorce papers signed and head off into the sunset. What a roller coaster - your heart must be breaking. Hopefully things will get better soon.
This time last year I was sleeping in the spare room at night, with the door locked and the phone on the bed beside me. I was SO scared of his irrational behaviour and anger.
MaryinPA I hope things have settled down again for you and your DH.
I do know what you are going though. Mine would say he wanted a "divorce" ...then he moved out of the bedroom like LFL's hubby and was into internet porn. Then...about 6 months ago I found out he was seeing "escorts" for their services several times a week to the tune of thousands of dollars over the course of time. I am still having problems dealing with it. He is no longer (nor has been the man I married for at least 15 years progressively getting more abusive and nasty) . Yes, it's the disease but it still hurts so badly. Scream, cry, and vent...do what ever is necessary because you have a darn good reason for having all these frustrations.
BTW, he'll have a tough time getting any lawyer to represent him in a "legal separation" as he is mentally incompent. He can't make sound decisions and all decisions that are made should be yours and his doctor.
Jazzy, I am hoping and praying that the bed in "The Manor" becomes available sooner rather than later, in the meantime, I am sending you a virtual hug to go along with the real one you got yesterday.
It is so obvious to me, particularly after getting to spend some time with you yesterday, that you are a truly loving and caring person and sensitive to all of those who have needs around you. You can't remember doing anything to make him hate you because you haven't done anything. Everything you are doing is with love and concern for his safety. You haven't changed - he has.
Some time ago my. DH told me he wanted me to help set up a new place for him to live. At times I feel like it.I also know I can't.What a hard life we live.
I was having a difficult time with DH as he was trying to reconsider going to the LTC and I thought he could cancel things that were set up, but his caseworker just called and that will not happen. He is # 10 on the list and that is from 40 last week. She said we will get excited when it is at 4 or 5. I am excited!! I feel so much better. Just to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel helps so much. I truly believe that our relationship will be better with the plans we now have in place.
Jazzy, We all have too many days like that. I am glad that you are seeing some light at the end of the tunnel. Hope his placement comes VERY soon for you sake.
Jazzy, lot of hugs and prayers for you. If he want to go to the home and they accept him, I would be inclined to let him go. Three years ago, I might have said different but this disease is so long and nasty that you need to take any respite breaks you can get.
blue, my hb called me "a fat f**king crippled pig" who would disgust any man so no one would ever want me. He doesn't seem to mind now that this fat pig is supporting him and spending all her money on him.
Today was not a good day. DH became angry with his day a way staff because they left them to go to church alone and then were to busy to go and make sure they all got back safe. Two of them got lost and DH brought them back then proceeded to lecture one of them about the lack of care and staff so the other one came over and both of them proceeded to give DH a dressing down, which just made him worst. They then phoned to tell me about it so they could get their story in before DH told me his side. I have talked with two of the head staff and this is not acceptable. I am going to meet with the a director of the facility . I am just so upset that these tow people who are so called trained staff would argue with a patient with dementia and not just distract him and change the subject. All they had to do was say yes we know what happened and we will see that it never happens again and leave it. Now I have to go and make sure he is not retaliated against on Tuesday. These ladies have not idea how to care for a bv FTD and that is now obvious. I am now beginning to think that all the stories that he comes home with that they say never happened Amy be true. Next week is going to be a stressful one. RULE ONE: never argue with a person with dementia. RULE TWO: distract
Is that so hard for a caregiver at these places to learn??