My wife and I spent the whole weekend sitting in the house. It was such a beautiful weekend My wife is at the stage of alz.(I think she also had a small stroke) to where it is difficult for her to walk and function very well. I want to do so much for her but I can't, or DON"T. I feel broken, lost, cheated, alone, angry, hurt, empty. My heart hurts, I want to do more for her. In so many ways, I am blessed but who can appreciate the blessings when they hurt so bad?
That's the difficult path we walk as spouses. It is very hard.
My wife also had a small early stroke. Nothing was visible but it had it's effects I'm sure.
I was invited to my friend's thanksgiving last year. The whole family sat around and it was a feast. When it was over someone talked about how thankful they were about something. Then the next person spoke up and I realized what was happening and I felt so trapped I was visibly squirming, I suddenly stood up and rudely interrupted asking if anyone minded terribly that I had a cigarette. I hadn't realized until that moment how much I was aware I was blessed - but no one was going to make me say that I was grateful.
They felt terrible about it and so did I when I came back to the table and it led to a lot of talking and understanding. You never know when life will show you a kindness as our Joan I think recently experienced.
You have the right to all those feelings. They are all the truth. You may have left out courage. I had to learn courage.
What blessings??!!! I remember these feelings and worked so hard to find some blessings, something positive in this awful existence with the Alzheimer's devil. I understand everything you are feeling right now, as I have been through it too. Ok, maybe I sound too negative, and I AM sorry for that ronnyd, after all we are supposed to encourage one another. But I just wanted you to know that it's ok to feel this way...it is so horrible to watch our loved ones go through this; and so horrible for us as caregivers to feel ourselves losing them a little each day. You will find some positive happy moments at times, and I do mean moments...treasure these if you can. And treasure YOUR memories if your life together. One more word of advice: keep visiting and posting on this board, because the people you meet and chat with will get you through the toughest times...they each have their own stories to tell along with endless amounts of encouragement and support. My DH passed away a little over a year ago and I don't know how I would've made it through the Alzheimer's journey without them.
Thanks for the kind words and understanding Wolf and Bella. I feel so ashamed when I feel sorry for myself, when my DW is going through this hell!! She knows she has this terrible disease and is fighting it with all of her heart. I wish I had half the courage that she does.
ronny, I dare say we have all felt these feelings at some point in this war we are battling. I know they are all familiar to me and it was damn near impossible to be able to even detect a blessing when in the trenches of hell. If it brings you any comfort at all, now after 4 years in placement, mostly all I feel is happiness and deep gratitude for every little glimmer of my husband I am blessed with. Of course there is always the sharp sting of sadness, but it isn't all consuming grief any more. I served my time in hell and I remember feeling exactly as you described. ((hugs of understanding))
Ron, Don't feel guilty...it comes with the territory of living this disease day in day out. Some days I find myself coping fairly well and others days...bam ....a knock me down slug in the gut moment. What you are experiencing is what each one of us here has felt. The pit of hell...the abyss of loneliness ...just trying to survive another day. The pain, heartache, and helplessness can never expressed to anyone other than someone who has travelled this journey. I feel your pain as others do here. My wishes are that tomorrow may offer you a ray of sunshine and hope. Take care and prayers to you with cyber ((hugs))
Like Lou Gehrig said "I feel like I am the luckiest man in the world."
My AD and elder care has ended. I know I am blessed BUT I am also beginning an empty, lonely period in my life. Yes, hollow and guilty.
I feel 'cheated' at times because I did not 'get to' walk the last mile mile with my wife. I planned for it and was expecting to do it. I wanted to do more for her.
Ending my burden early was also the greatest blessing a person can receive. Who would ever want the torture to continue?
After the AD hit, I had ended my normal life and reinvented myself as an AD caregiver. My goals and aspirations all revolved around AD. I was coping. Now my goal is to reinvent myself as 'normal'. Re establish the broken relationships and find new ones. Create a new purpose in life. This is harder than I thought it would be.
It seems so sad - Lonely or fulfilled? Blessed or cursed? It aint fun on either side. It aint so easy recognizing what is good or right. Things we want? or things we need?
Do however TRY to accept your AD role as much as possible into a normal routine. NEVER, NEVER feel guilty about what you could not do for her! You cannot fix AD.
Then after it is all over you will be able to take joy from all the little things that you DID DO to help her through the day. These then become the memories that you can cherish.
Very eloquently said, m-mann. I am in that in between stage, my DH is in the Veterans Home & I am here alone. I go & visit him almost everyday (I am fortunate that he is only 10 minutes away), but still.....I am here alone. I think that when he passes (IF he goes before I do......no guarantees there) the transition of being alone will be a bit easier for me because..........I am alone now. That doesn’t mean I won't grieve for him when he's gone, it just means that I won't all of a sudden wake up one morning to an empty house, because it's empty now.
My very thoughts today myself. from my post "Living the Shadow of Alzheimers"
"Sheri is struggling with the loneliness this disease brings an Alzheimer spouse. It is like being in a crowded room, with no one to talk to... but forever and always."
My husband is not in a NH or assisted living...not even day care and I am alone in an empty house each and everyday--- Physically present...mentally disconnected.