My wife was diagnosed with AD definitively about 5 years ago. She had been on a behavioral plateau until last autumn when she decided that she didn't want to go out in the evening any more. Now, she won't even go outside during the day except to go to the mailbox. She lays on our bed for about 20 hours per day, most of the time just staring straight ahead. We've only been married for 7 1/2 years but we've traveled in Europe at least 3-5 weeks each summer, have taken winter vacations for about 10 days to La Quinta, CA, had season tickets to concerts, speakers. etc. Now that's all gone. She has aphasia and many times I have little idea as to what she's talking about. Net, She's no longer the companion that I thought I had in the beginning of our relationship. We're both seniors by definition, and have no offspring living with us. Occasionally, the old spark, comes alive and we can have a good laugh, but this is a rare circumstance. I have not been too interested in her sexually for some time, nor has she given me any indication that she misses it.
I would like to date other women for the companionship if nothing else. This issue came up for 1 years when my first wife died suddenly after an operation. So, to some extent, I've dealt with the bereavement issue once. My 1st marriage lasted 22 years. But frankly, with respect to dating, I don't know where to find prospective companions. The online dating services will not allow married members regardless of the circumstance. Any suggestions ??
Hi watchful7, welcome! I am sorry to hear of all you have lost....... As for dating I have no suggestions but if you go to the 'search' tab at the top of the page you will find a wealth of information.
Hello Watchful7 - I too am sorry you have this horrible disease invade your home. Lots of different thoughts on the dating topic. Bottom line, you do what you are comfortable with. I thought there was a dating site for people whose spouses where ill or however you want to discribe it.
How sad you lost your first wife of 22 yrs following surgery and now you wife is in the state of ALZ where there is no communication of merit now. This topic has been discussed several times on these boards so I am sure you will hear may different views and suggestions. One thing you can be assured of and that is no one will judge you on this issue. As was said, you have to do what is comfortable for you.
Watchful7, The problem in AD revolves around the definition of exactly when you become a 'widow'. In your first marriage the 'death' was obvious and all of society agreed that the marriage was over. Unfortunately AD puts you into a limbo that is not well defined or accepted by much of society.
There are AD spouses who have decided that their marriage was 'over' and have viewed themselves as 'widows' even though their spouse still had a heartbeat. They have gone out into the world and secured (intimate) relationships with others. These people all remain faithful to PROVIDING CARE to their AD spouse. (generally the AD spouse is in a facility) I know of no one who has abandoned their care responsibilities.
Others define their commitment to fidelity as being based on a physical existence and would never seek another relationship as long as their AD spouse was breathing.
This is the most personal decision any AD spouse can make!! It is an important topic on this board and as a newcomer you should know that nobody will judge you here whatever your decision.
Basic ethics say that you should not lie to a new partner about having an AD spouse and you should not abandon the care of your AD spouse. But other than this you will make the choice that YOU are comfortable with.
To learn more google "Jan's Story". There is a book and a news segment that covers the situation.
Wow, m-mman, You speak so beautifully...especially since all that you have been through. I'am not in this situation...although, I have to admit...after reading Emily's story...there is a tad bit of envy. Life does somehow progress...and we must find a way.
m-mman, you summarized that clearly and concisely. I would just say that I don't view myself as a widow, but I did start feeling like a functionally single person. Semantics. This is such a non-comparable life situation. We all just have to examine our own feelings. That the care of the ill spouse remains paramount is the indisputable point.
A few days ago I was in bed talking with my stage 7 wife. She said: "What you need is a girlfriend." I haven't and I probably won't, but it was ineresting to hear her words.
And while I can be sure I haven't. What I will do is yet to be determined. She will be in a home soon and I will move back to our home 4 hours away. I'll see her frequently but not daily. What happens in this new life is unknown and uncharted.
Yes, we are in uncharted waters with the tides of life always changing. The boat gets tossed and turned in the midst of the storms as we sail into the unknown waters always prepared knowing that a big wave is trying to shallow us out to sea. It's hard to stay focused and anchored, but one day we will land on solid ground. We do what is right morally for them, but we must continue on with our lives too. God I hate this disease.
I've had some limited success looking for female companions.
I met a woman at a local concert. She mentioned her address so I mailed her an "out of the blue" card and she responded with an EMail. We got together for a short walk last week. It was OK- she seemed to babble on and on./ She mentioned that she might even go back to her husband- I was NOT clear as why they had separated. When I 1st met her, I told her about my wife's AD so she know what she was getting into. Maybe, we'll walk again soon. No big rush on my part, nor hers it seems.
I did caregiver training given by AA; it was 2 hrs a night for 6 weeks; it was helpful; they had a 3 mottos- 1. You're in charge, 2) so what (that the victim Behaved in some new unexpected way and 3) don't just do something, stand there- which meant that the caregiver shouldn't just react to the AD person but try to figure out what they mean. I remind myself of these quite often- they are useful.
Back to dating??? At the end of the class, the psychologist running the training provided everyone with all of the phone numbers and Emails. There were 2 caregivers, somewhat attractive women, in the class and I sent Emails to each indicating that i'd like to have coffee sometime. I turned me down (have a nice summer) and the 2nd never responded so I wrote a 2nd one, and she finally answered to the affirmative with limited enthusiasm.
I got on to this website "seniorsmeet.com. They screen for any mention if you're still married and wouldn't give a profile so I put down "widowed" just to get in and then if someone seemed interested, I would start of by describing the situation with my wife, and asking if they would still like to continue. Some indicated they would continue; others were scared off by the prospect of a relationship with no likely quick resolution. I can't blame them. I had another walk with an Asian woman I met through the online service. She was all by herself as her daughter's husband just got a job in Hong Kong and they were leaving the US. I really don't plan to see her again. I was impressed by her very literate "resume", but in person, she struggled a bit with the language. It was a "turn off".
I've been to one new support group in my area for spouses; I was one of 2 men (the other guy was in his late eighties) and there were about 12 women of various age ranges there. I was impressed as to how devoted some of the women were. I try to do the best I can for my wife, but not to the extent that it would damage me. I found some of the women attractive. They mostly had husbands in care homes. I would not approach them as dating candidates. But, I would feel somewhat embarrassed at bringing up my interest in other women, in that group. or likely, in any group except this medium.
I have a vague feeling of guilt doing what i'm doing. But, it excites me and relieves me of the feeling being trapped by my wife's illness.
watchful7, If you don't mind my saying. It almost sounds like you are not ready for one on one dating. Just going by what you posted and reading between the lines. Is there a group you could go out with?? A church group, or social group? I know that our bank has a over 50's club that does group things. I often have thought of doing some thing with them in the future.
Maybe try more of a getting your toes wet before you jump into a pool.
Do you belong to a local seniors group/center? That might be a good way to be with people you have something in common with and then build friendships from there. Just a thought.
I've had some more success setting up coffee dates; so far 3 this coming week and 1 next week, and a few additional prospects. I contacted them or vice versa through a couple of online services. The one I plan to see tomorrow actually manages an assisted living facility- maybe she's going to give a sales pitch- I hope not. I don't know about wet feet and swimming or sinking in a pool. but I'm more comfortable going 1 on 1 than in a group setting. I don't need to get involved in a lot of group activities, the majority of which I probably won't care for. I can't call what I'm doing dating per se, because I limit myself to daytime iiasons and also I'm limited on time. As an aside, I still don't have a caregiver for my wife, although I found a prospect that my wife seems to like, but doesn't yet trust. It's a slow process- that part. I'm surprised that only about 1/2 of the women I've contacted online and told about my wife's condition, bailed out on me- I thought that would bother people a lot. Another factor is that I really want to limit the geographic location of my "dates". I'll try to tell you the results in a few weeks from now. One women actually addressed me as "Dear ........". I haven't heard anyone address me that way in a long time. It felt very good and warm. I felt like giving her a big hug. I think she just wants to write and not meet for awhile at least............
Good for you. We each must do what we need to do for ourselves to remain healthy. I am taking a vacation with a male travel buddy next week. I trust him but at first I thought maybe it was not right. But it has helped me inso many different ways and he is fully aware of the situation and supports me.
The loneliness is the hardest thing for me. I found a website that helps match people with similar interests for friendship, trail riding and of course romance. I decided to give it a try. I posted on my profile my exact situation regarding my DW, Alzheimers and my plan to be there to care for her. I then did not actively search for anyone, just let the chips fall as they may. I have been pleasantly surprised at the messages of support and encouragement. Of course there were a couple who didn't feel comfortable corresponding with a "married" man, but they had other interests in mind perhaps.
It has been a positive experience for me, to have email correspondence with a couple of women. There is no pressure to build anything more than a friendship, or to meet face to face. That is the best part for me, respecting each other's space and not making it out to be more than it is. If something more developers down the road, that would be fine when it is appropriate and proper. If not, one can never have too many friends. Being able to connect with someone of the opposite sex to talk about common interests has been a nice experience during this dark time for me.
I will say this--In my community, I have gotten an amazing amount of support and encouragement from people who knew my husband well, know that I've cared for him for many many years, know that I continue to oversee his care, and know that I'm involved with another lovely local man. I've been grateful.
It would be nice to have a man friend. I have several girl friends. A man would come in handy for heavy lifting. Or when looking at cars. I live in a small town and the car buying is still a bit tilted towards men. Also I could use a man's opinion from time to time.
Of course when it comes to cars (and I'm not sexist about this, it's just not an area of specialty for me,) I have often gotten help from brothers-in-law.
Emily - I'm so glad you have a lovely man in your life. This life is so difficult and that you have found someone to support you in how ever you are comfortable with is wonderful.
cheval - I totally understand the loneliness, the more friends the better during this time of your life. You aren't the one fading and you/we need to come out on the other side with some kind life.
It took me over 2 1/2 years to realize that. I now know that I can't allow this nasty disease to drag me down too, but it will be a while before I am really ready to build a new life for myself. But just making a connection has given me hope for the future.
Cheval - hubby has gone into resprite for the first time and I was dragging my butt but this morning I woke up early feeling really good....hey I did have a strong stiff drink last night....but it told me how depressed and beat down I am. I did only what I wanted today, ate what and when I want, nice long nap, puttered around the cabin, wandered down to the lake and just enjoyed the view (beautiful day here today). Makes me wonder how I will be feeling 8 days from now. I'm in my fifties and I want a life at the end of this and like you I can't allow this disease to drag me down too. Make lots of friends! and feed your bubba a carrot for me, I grew up with horses and they are great to talk to also.
I completely understand this part of the disease - I started all of this at the age of 48 - I just would like to meet someone who "gets it" - just for some companionship - I am only 54 - I feel like I am married to a child who needs my care 24 hours a day - sometime with someone to talk to would be great - very hard to find someone who would understand that I am married but "not really."
Katie, I'm 65 going on 35, and I know exactly how you feel. I just posted almost your exact comments on another thread. We're not alone, but in so many ways we are.
Wachful 7, Your story sounds similar to mine in that we were only married about 6 years before the disease was diagnosed and we were very active - traveled, hiked, biked etc. I waited until I was 35 to get married and am now a widow at 47. I'm not in the "dating mode" yet, but at some point I hope to be. I would suggest attending activities or groups that have people who do things you like to do... it seems if you Google "hiking groups Dallas" or wherever you live there will be tons of stuff that pops up. That way you can meet people who at least like some of the same activities you do. If you go to Meetup.com there are also lots of different groups for different activities. Newcomers Clubs are also good... they are not just for people who are newcomers to an area... they are usually for people who are just looking for persons to go places with.