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    • CommentAuthoramicrazy
    • CommentTimeJun 12th 2013
     
    However I talk about this it is going to come across as insensitive to some people and for that I am sorry. For nine months I have been dating a wonderful man whose wife is in an advanced stage of early onset Alzheimers in her early 50s. He is taking care of his wife at home and they have young children. I knew right away about the situation and he has always been upfront, truthful and he answers any questions that I ask. I have read tons about Alzheimers over this time frame. I want to know why hasnt anyone written a book about being me? I have looked and I have tried to find something to give me some perspective on how this is changing my life. How I struggle with the thought about what I am doing and how I might end up hurting his relationship with his children. Many things weigh heavily on my mind but I cant see myself anywhere else than beside him in his journey down the Alzheimers road. I am the third person in an increasing complex Alzheimers relationship. My search has made me think about writing a book about my feelings and thoughts about the situation. I am wondering if there are others out on this website that are like me and I wonder what there thoughts and struggles are.
    • CommentAuthorlulliebird
    • CommentTimeJun 12th 2013 edited
     
    Amicrazy,

    What I am going to say you may not like, but because you asked I will address it.

    1. I believe that you are questioning if what you are doing is correct by your verbage " insensitive to some people"

    2. The in your own words "I struggle with the thought about what I am doing"

    3. Your own words " I might end up hurting his relationship with his children"

    Because many of things are "weighing on your mind" I believe that you want approval for this relationship. . With these serious doubts do not continue in this relationship. Yes, his wife is in the advanced stages of Alzheimers however, many people in this relationship will be hurt beyond repair. Move on.....and your conscience will rest at night.

    Sorry Amicrazy, but you don't get my approval.
    • CommentAuthoramicrazy
    • CommentTimeJun 12th 2013
     
    I dont want an argument and I am sorry BUT I dont Want or Need anyone's approval for what I am doing. When I said I cant see myself anywhere except beside him its a sign that I am not looking for approval and that my decision was made a long time ago or I would not have continued in the relationship. As an ALZ caregiver people struggle with the choices they make and the things they do on a daily basis and there are many things written about these choices. I have not just sat back and watched the situation unfold, I am someone that has taken an active role in this family situation and I am jsut wondering why no one has ever written a book from my perspective or if anyone knew of any out there.
    •  
      CommentAuthormary75*
    • CommentTimeJun 12th 2013
     
    I think that a good librarian - either a public library or, more likely, a university library - could answer this question for you.
    I don't know of any book written from this viewpoint. Have you tried Google, the most advanced search one that many university students use? Just type in the question as you've asked us.
    • CommentAuthorWolf
    • CommentTimeJun 12th 2013
     
    I don't know of any such book. I do remember a famous broadcaster whose wife was also a broadcaster who got EOAD. He entered into another relationship and the television piece was about their situation which included them visiting his wife. His wife was functioning to some degree but obviously unable to connect or interact with what was happening. They explored this topic from the 'third' perspective.

    There is also a thread below about dating again which touches on some of these issues in what would be from his perspective.

    Not all the readers here think being willing to help him care for her and raise young children to be with him says anything negative.

    Most of the discussions here center around coping with alzheimer's and other dementias including specific issues and personal support from the point of view of spouses. It's quite unique to have someone willingly enter this world and I can't recall that specifically coming up on this board in the time I've been here.
    •  
      CommentAuthorNikki
    • CommentTimeJun 12th 2013 edited
     
    Please know I mean no disrespect, I imagine the reason there isn't such a book (at least that I am aware of) is because a book would need to grab a fairly large audience for a publisher to want to put money behind it and because society does not seem to look too highly on 'extramarital affairs'.

    Please know I am not judging you in any way. We have discussed here many times the want and need for companionship. We are supportive to our members who do seek out a relationship, therefore (at least to my thinking) it would be grossly unfair to judge the person they are in a relationship with.

    This board was created for spouses, the perspective here then is ours. Maybe you would have better luck in trying to find your answer if you could find a group of people who are experiencing what you are. If there is no such group, maybe you could create one, as Joan did here for us. I wish you luck and happiness.
    • CommentAuthorAmber
    • CommentTimeJun 12th 2013
     
    Write the book....the more information out there about this horrible disease from whatever angle is good.

    Good luck with your realtionship....you are on a tough road.
  1.  
    I think it would be helpful if you joined an Alzheimer's Support Group in your area where your concerns can be discussed rather than on this forum which is for the spouses of Alz victims. There is a gentleman in our group who is reunited with a lady, sad to say, that has Alz. It is an interesting situation in which he and his wife, who is now deceased, and this lady and her husband ,who is now deceased, and their kids were once upon a happier time all friends...happier when all were healthy and could enjoy one another in the social settings of two warm friendly families ,now both touched by losses. This gent helps her son and his son helps too, taking care of this lady. The widower will cook and stay at night in the home with her, there are hired caregivers in the day and the boys all look in and her help too..That is a rare situation.

    As said earlier, the topic of the caregiver spouse wondering about seeing someone outside of the caregiving work when our LO no longer knows us causes some to have to really dig deep in soul searching. The conflicts we have are potentially hurting our spouse in some way. We don't know what they do think, but we do know we can run into some horrific responses depending upon what kind of mood their mind might be in at any given moment. Alzhimer's is a very unpredictable disease.

    While it may be admirable that you feel you are helping in some way, the fact that you have some concerns about others being hurt by your presence suggests some unrest within your own mind. I don't mean to be unkind but I agree that you should consider some distance from this family.

    Why hasn't anyone written a book about YOUR experience? None of US would be qualified because we are in the throws of this disease, we are the ones making all the decisions, finding ways to pay for help, wondering how we are going to make it when this is all over. So asking your question on these boards really is addressing the wrong group with this question. I really think you might find more input from an Alzheimer's Group where caregivers are not always the spouse, though from our group it is mostly the spouse..some are kids caring for a parent or a sibling caring for another...
  2.  
    Nikki, I sure do hope you polish your halo and dust off your angel wings once in a while. I love you, girlie, and you are just too good for me.
    Amicrazy, if you want to know what the kids think...ask 'em.
    Also, you are where you are by choice. I personally would have rather been able to choose to care for my dear departed darling than to leave a doctor's office with a death sentence hanging over my head and not know how long it was going to take.
    My husband passed away February of this year. He knew who I was up to the last 5 days of his life. He had moments of clarity even then. And he KNEW that I loved him and that I and I alone would be right there by his side right up to the end. During our relationship, I never loved anyone but him and I don't love anyone but him right now.
    Enough said. (Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand across my mouth...........again!)
    •  
      CommentAuthormoorsb*
    • CommentTimeJun 13th 2013
     
    The road less traveled. I guess it the situation is rather unusual, from that standpoint someone may write a book about this type of situation. I do not think anyone would put themself into this situation willing, you have just proven me wrong. I would say if the family does not want you involved then you should honor the request and be a friend from a far. Having been in his shoes I did not get much support from family so I was looking for what ever help I could get to cope with what life had dealt me. He is in a very difficult situation and support is what he needs, but the cost of the support you are offering may be at a high cost to his family situation.

    If his family is not helping him, I would not care what they thought if you are his only support.
  3.  
    amicrazy--I think such a book probably doesn't exist because there are relatively few people in your situation, for a number of reasons. I'm not sure if I remember the stats correctly, but I think there are about 5 million in the U. S. with AD. The EOAD piece would be about 5 or 10 percent of that. Unless someone with a younger-onset dementia is dx in their 40's or 50's, they probably don't have children living at home. If they do, in addition to the responsibility of the children and taking care of the person with dementia, the caregiving spouse is probably still in the workforce. It's logistics--I don't think most people in that position have the time or energy left to be in a new relationship. Even with no children and being retired, there was no way I could think about dating while my husband was living at home.

    I think Mimi's suggestion about attending a support group would be beneficial. I actually see how your presence could be a plus to all concerned if it is handled sensitively. Based on your post you sound like you feel this man is worth it, even with his complicated family situation. Good luck.
  4.  
    Amicrazy--my best advice is to get an honest assessment from your man as to HIS feelings about being in a relationship right now, and gauge the appropriateness following his lead. It's hard for you to make that call.
    As for his relationship with his children, etc...that's up to him, honesty, them...all you can do is be there and be open.

    I'm speaking from my point of view as a spouse of a husband in late-stage Alzheimer's, and I have another man in my life. I decided, recently, to be up-front about this because the decision came after years of caregiving and much consideration of the needs of all parties involved. I know I am not alone as a spouse in this situation, and I think it SHOULD be open for discussion so pretending it is not true by omission seems silly to me.

    I will say that opinions WILL run gamut among members of this forum...some find this shamefully inappropriate, and some are 100% supportive.
    What has mattered the most to me is the opinions of our children, my husband's family, our friends and community...AS WELL AS a honest, thorough, holistic look at what is best for me as an organism, and whether I can truly meet my husband's needs under these circumstances.

    That is why I believe you have to feel your way based on his assessment. You need to be aware that care for his spouse is paramount and he very likely will have to intervene in emergency situations, attend to her frequently, and remain somewhat divided in his attentions for now.

    I am concerned that you're worried you might hurt his relationship with his children. That says to me (don't know if I'm right) that maybe he doesn't have their approval, and this certainly would complicate any relationship. But that is really his issue to iron out, and how your relationship proceeds is going to be affected by his open communication with his children and whether they are of an understanding frame of mind, or whether this is something they're having trouble dealing with.

    Having the questions you have is natural, and doesn't necessarily point to the relationship being a wrong choice. Are you enhancing his life and well-being without bringing pain to anyone else? He's going to have to help answer that.
    •  
      CommentAuthorm-mman*
    • CommentTimeJun 13th 2013 edited
     
    The book and information you seek is "Jan's Story". Links below:

    http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-3445_162-6600364/jans-story-love-and-early-onset-alzheimers/

    http://books.google.com/books/about/Jan_s_Story.html?id=hmGXySgjhIgC


    Personally I see the situation (that we are all struggling with) as being; exactly when is somebody "gone"? In the Alzheimer's world this is not always so clear.

    If his wife had died in a car crash he would 100% be a widow and therefore available for a relationship. If you stepped in after her physical death and aided in childcare and had a good second mother relationship with them you would be seen as a wonderful savior.

    The problem is (and in the AD world will always remain) exactly when is somebody; gone, dead, left, abandoned or made single by the disease. And THIS is what we and you seem to be struggling with. There is no one correct answer.

    If you and him and the kids and the (old and new) in-laws and the community at large can all agree in your hearts, that she is "gone" and exists only in a physical presence then perhaps everyone can accept you as the second relationship of a widower. I didn't see how old the children were, but whether widowed or divorced, the relationship of a second mother is always difficult.

    If however you, or anyone else holds to the idea that she is 'still alive' and the original relationship and vows are still in effect, then you are (and will always be) nothing more than "the other woman".

    I certainly agree that a frank and open discussion needs to be held with ALL involved! (kids, in-laws, church, neighbors, etc.) and be very open and get honest feedback. (As was done in Jan's Story). There will never be 100% approval from all the outsiders but the immediate family MUST be in agreement for your relationship to go forward.
    Good luck
    • CommentAuthorOcallie36
    • CommentTimeJun 13th 2013
     
    I see two people seeking comfort. Maybe a telephone relationship would work for awhile. It is a tough road for you no matter what you do. Life is a heartache sometimes.
    • CommentAuthorlulliebird
    • CommentTimeJun 13th 2013
     
    When I posted my comment about this relationship my concern was for the children. The children (ages were not given) emotional needs should ALWAYS be the first and foremost above and beyond ANYTHING else.
    • CommentAuthorAdmin
    • CommentTimeJun 13th 2013
     
    amicrazy,

    I have encouraged discussion of this subject on this site, and have written blogs about it. Generally, our members are non-judgmental toward the Alzheimer spouse who is seeking companionship when their husband/wife is in advanced stages of Alzheimer's Disease. It is interesting to read that the responses are not quite as supportive for your situation. I agree with Nikki, in that if we are supportive of the Alzheimer Spouse, how can we feel differently about the person with whom the Alzheimer Spouse is involved?

    In any case, this is something you have to work out with your companion. It does help to have the support of his children, friends, and family, but ultimately, the decision is for the two of you to make.

    As well as looking into "Jan's Story" by Barry Peterson that m-mann* recommended, you may want to read an old blog I wrote about someone in your position. This is the link to copy and paste - http://www.thealzheimerspouse.com/tomandmarycompanions.htm

    As to finding people who are in a similar situation as you, I would suggest checking some elder dating sites and asking if anyone is in your position and would they be willing to discuss their experiences with you. I am aware of many Alzheimer Spouses who use dating sites for simple non face to face companionship, and others who use them looking for in person companionship. In almost all cases, they are up front and honest about their situation, so you may find someone in a situation similar to yours who is willing to talk with or write to you about it.

    joang
    • CommentAuthorWolf
    • CommentTimeJun 13th 2013
     
    Thank you m-mman*.
  5.  
    I was thinking along the lines of what Joan mentioned, that if we support that "us guys", the spousal caregivers, to have a relationship, (depending in some ways on how advanced our mates are), then why would we not support the one who is the love interest, the "outsider" so to speak.

    AmIcrazy, in your situation it sounds a bit shaky, and I hope it can all be ironed out. Some members here have had blessings of friends and family, and that is ideal. I, as a spouse that loves my guy so so much, (he is now in a facility in late stage 6), support anyone who is in this situation, if their hearts are in the right place.

    Something sort of clicked when reading your desire to write about your position. You know I am I think anyway, very open minded to these things if done with honesty and love. However, though this may not be "right" , I found myself bristling a bit, as I being on the other side, where it is REALLY REALLY tough and painful, have a bit of a hard time feeling a lot of empathy, or even interest in that subject, if that is rude I am sorry. Maybe I would find it much more interesting if it was written with the two, (three), people involved, with all perspectives and of course the victim cannot write.

    Either way, I wish you all the best, we are all deserving human beings in this huge pool of life.
    • CommentAuthoramicrazy
    • CommentTimeJul 9th 2013 edited
     
    I have read Jans story a long time ago as suggested but that book is from his perspective not the womans perspective he was dating. Also his children were older and they were his from a previous marriage.

    We have a very open, honest relationship. I went into this relationship willingly and with my eyes completely open and I know that is hard from some to believe. She was diagnosed 8 year ago and both children are under the age of 11 (I am in my early 40's). Imagine if you had to take care of your ALZ spouse and raise young children that have not had a normal childhood as they have had to grow up very quickly. They have not known a mother as you have known a mother. Children that have to take their mother to the restroom in public, or hold her hand and guide her so she wont walk away or by telling her that its ok just to name a few. I have always told him that his family comes first. His family has not taken an active role in helping with his wife or the children. I continue to take a more active role all the time. I have taken the children and their mother out in public without his assistance and I will continue to help as much as needed by doing such things as being at the house one night a week while he has work obligations or whatever comes up. He is not alone as I feel like I am in this with him and its our journey together to care for her and the children and work through things. I have met his family and he has met mine and all are supportive of our relationship.

    As for the book...We have talked about doing one together- He really wants to write one regarding his experiences with ALZ, partly because he is so young and there are young children involved. Unfortunately the younger that people become diagnosed with this horrible disease the more our situation will not be a minority.

    Finally- I want to say God Bless all of you and I hope that you find strength and peace on your journeys.
  6.  
    Book...no. Journal...maybe. Call me a bitch but I sure do hope you are not looking to cash in on this unfortunate situation. Ok, guys, you know that I sometimes just blurt out what other people are thinking. I'm sorry and you are welcome.
  7.  
    I guess it's just hard for me to believe that there is someone out there like you who willingly puts herself in this situation with the purest of motives. Just look at the world around us.
    • CommentAuthorJazzy
    • CommentTimeJul 10th 2013
     
    I have a hard time watching my DH change so much and can 't imagine having someone else in my life except a trained caregiver to give me breaks.
    My concern for this lady is that once his DW has passed will he want to or be able to build a good solid relationship with the amicrazy or will there be just to many memories for him to deal with. What will amicrazy do then? I'm concerned that he's still so committed to his DW, then how can he commit to amicrazy?
    I don't think I would, knowing what I know now about the disease progression, want to bring someone into a relationship with me. I just couldn't commit my all to anyone but DH until he is gone and maybe not even then.
    • CommentAuthorJazzy
    • CommentTimeJul 10th 2013
     
    One more thing that is concerning me is that you have not said anything about how advanced the DW is and how do you or her DH know how this relationship with her husband and her children is affecting her.? We have no idea how much dementia patients comprehend. Is this maybe hurting her very deeply? How do you know if this is causing her deep pain?
    I am not judging you but living with a person with the disease, I know that many thing we do can cause them deep hurt and we have to be careful because we don't know how much they understand even right to the end.
    • CommentAuthorWolf
    • CommentTimeJul 10th 2013 edited
     
    Two things Linda.

    First one. You've explained your opinion and why. That's all any of us can do.

    Second. We're all under strain and you have already fought the war amicrazy is considering voluntarily entering.

    I'll call you a bitch if you really want me to; but, you didn't do anything wrong.

    Amicrazy is willing to help this "wonderful man" take care of his wife and help him raise young children to be with him. What would be crazy would be for anyone to do such things to their own life just to write a book. Amicrazy isn't doing that. She's thinking that her situation is so unusual it might be good to write about it for others.

    No author writes strictly for others. Every author writes because they want to. And the idea of the book here is shared with the husband at the beginning. Both families are supportive. Everything here is out in the open.

    Amicrazy: You might consider in understanding what's all going on here that every last person here understands exactly what the husband here is feeling. We're not guessing. We know. And one of the horrors of this experience we all share with the husband but not you is that we only had duty - never choice. You are the interloper. I agree it gives you a unique 'eye'. All these comments are made in reference to the disease - not in reference to free choices among individuals. If you want a suggestion have one silo of thought strictly from the viewpoint of the children. And there springs the question of what is the experiment and what is the scientist and what is natural without regard to the existence of either.

    I'm not thinking I'm pointing these things [out] for you. I understand the work you seem willing to do to be with him and help him and I wish you all well. I'm very good at spotting the smallest inconsistencies and even with a magnifying glass, I see none here.
    • CommentAuthorxox
    • CommentTimeJul 10th 2013
     
    "Call me a bitch but I sure do hope you are not looking to cash in on this unfortunate situation"

    One of the worst ways to cash in on a situation is to write a book. Most authors get very little for their efforts.
    • CommentAuthoramicrazy
    • CommentTimeJul 10th 2013
     
    Again some background. His wife is in a very advanced stage of ALZ most of his married life he knew something was wrong long before the diagnosis came. Im sure he thought it was post partum or depression for a very long time. His wife is happy when I am with her and I can tell in her own way that she appreciates my kindness.

    I have had substantial heartache of my own as I was married for 20 years and my ex woke up one day and was completely psychotic and depressed (he literally changed overnight), to the point where I didn't know this man at all and we got a divorce not because I wouldn't stand by him but because he knew there was something wrong and knew it wasn't fair to me, it was not something I wanted. My husband changed overnight while the man that I am seeing has had to watch his wife change over such a long period of time. I don't think I could even have a glimpse of understanding of his life in the beginning if I hadn't gone through what I had gone through. Now I completely understand that I will never truly understand what he goes through on a daily basis like you and by no means is my experience anything like his or yours. I only tell you this because I only do have only the purest thoughts and intentions as far as my relationship goes and everyone that has met me or him knows this to be true because of the way that we communicate and talk about each other. I also agree that most would be skeptical of me and this situation because yes this world is a tainted place. In the beginning, he in fact was skeptical that I could handle this situation because even his own family cant handle it. Is it really that unusual to find a good open kind person in the world today?

    Wolf is exactly right with the statement I think this situation is unusual and that's why we would write about it. Unusual because everyone is so young and because the situation is unique but yet it seems to work for us. I would not be anywhere else than beside him
  8.  
    That's the key - "the situation is unique but yet it seems to work for us". If everyone is on the same page and his DW is being taken care of properly, who are we to judge? Life is short, how well I know, if everyone involved is happy with the arrangement, it's yours and his decision! I wish you only good things.
    •  
      CommentAuthorBama* 2/12
    • CommentTimeJul 10th 2013
     
    amicrazy????? yes....But, I am sending you a hug and best wishes. It looks like you are helping this family to survive.
    • CommentAuthorWolf
    • CommentTimeJul 10th 2013
     
    IT'S ALIVE!!!!!

    (hi Bama good to see you're out and about)
    •  
      CommentAuthorCarolyn*
    • CommentTimeJul 10th 2013
     
    If I had AD, I would hate to think my husband was doing that. Sorry.
    • CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeJul 10th 2013
     
    I agree with what Vickie said - if all are on board, OK with it, then do it. The children probably are benefiting the most which is important right now.
    • CommentAuthorAmber
    • CommentTimeJul 10th 2013
     
    Carolyn - isn't it interesting that I think the opposite of you. If I had this disease I would want my hubby to do what ever he needed to do to get himself through this....even if it meant he divorced me. I'm disappearing and he is still here and I want him to live his life to the fullest and I know he would make sure I was well taken care of, just as I will make sure he is always well taken care of. I just will not be doing the care myself soon.

    Would be interesting to know if this is a age thing...I'm not sure how old you are but my generation, I'm 55, we are more open to different life styles. As long as the motives are pure and honest and it works for them then go for it.

    amicrazy - you must have a very big heart to take this on...knowing the mental, emotional, physical and financial burden it entails. I agree the children need a good female role model and from your posts I think you are that to them.
  9.  
    Amber, I'm with you. It's something I feel strongly about. I would never wish a life of loneliness on Jeff if I were incapacitated with dementia. The thought that he must attend to me, and only me, single-mindedly until the end...wow, no. Especially knowing, intimately, what I know about the effect of Alzheimer spousing on a person's mental health. I mean, seriously...how about those anti-depressant threads on this board? Could my wish for my beloved spouse be that he would immerse himself so relentlessly in Alzheimer's caregiving that Lexapro becomes a necessity?

    No, I love the guy. He loved me, and if there's something left capable of doing so, he loves me still, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he would not wish such a thing on me either.

    In fact, when I imagine the scenario I actually have a girlfriend or two in mind whom I'd recommend! Anyway, it's moot--they're married, and he's the one with AD.
    • CommentAuthorxox
    • CommentTimeJul 10th 2013
     
    Emily, reminds me of a true story where a woman was dying of cancer and she arranged for her husband to marry a friend of her after she died. OK, they didn't have to get married but she thought they would be happy together so she set them up and they got married.
  10.  
    I think a lot of how we feel may depend on our age. I am now 54 and DH is 62. I was 50 when he was dx. I am not thinking about anyone right now. It sure would help to have a man around. I have so many things that need fixing. But the thought of being alone for the next 30 years is sad. My mom is 80 so it could happen.

    I see nothing wrong with amicrazy if all are open with what is going on. And all seem happy. I know if it was me I would be glad the kids had someone to look after them.
    • CommentAuthoramicrazy
    • CommentTimeJul 10th 2013 edited
     
    Amber, I agree with you as well and I had that discussion with my previous husband about living life to the fullest if I had ALZ and finding someone else. The mental, emotional and physical toll is starting to affect me as well. I have crying spells when I am alone and its usually because I have had to deal with something unexpected or because I have seen the children take on a task with their mother that seems not so child like. I have stomach issues from nerves and I am usually exhausted after I have spent more than a few hours with them. Again yes this is my choice to be there with them and for them, all of them and I am not complaining nor would I. I do feel like I am a positive role model in the children's lives but right now I am an integral and needed part of their family.

    This is going to sound odd but I love them- all of them including his wife and that is why I wrote my original post. My choice is affecting me and transforming my life but its doing so in many positive ways and I am grateful for that but I have no one that completely understands my perspective. You have each other to talk to, share ideas with and get support from and sometimes you need to talk to someone that is going through similar experiences as you are and unfortunately I have yet to find that person. I do thank you all for your kind words and your perspectives regarding our situation.
    • CommentAuthorAdmin
    • CommentTimeJul 10th 2013
     
    I think this is a good thread to post this accounting of an incident that occurred yesterday. By the time Sid comes home from Day Care, he remembers almost nothing, including what activities he did at Day Care or what he had for lunch. But yesterday, when he came home, he told me about a guy at DC with whom he had become very friendly. According to Sid, the man is young - in his 40's or early 50's. Sid was extremely upset because he said the man (whose name he cannot remember) told him that his wife told him she was seeing another man. Sid's DC buddy was devastated. Apparently, he and Sid talked at length about the situation. Since Sid could not remember he told me, he repeated the story twice more during the evening. He kept saying how terrible it was and how hurt his friend was.

    This bothered Sid so much that he asked me to give him a pen and paper to take to DC tomorrow, so he could write down his friend's phone #. He wants to be able to call him and try to cheer him up. I sensed that he was waiting for me to give my opinion on the subject, but I said nothing. Except I did express surprise that the wife TOLD her AD husband about the affair.

    I bring this up to emphasize that sometimes when we think the ill spouses are oblivious, they are not. This does not seem to be the case in amicrazy's situation, but my point is that you never know.

    joang
  11.  
    The first thought I had about Joan's story is ...Is the guy at daycare recounting an actual event--that his wife admitted to him that she's seeing someone, or is he paranoid and/or confabulating?

    If it is accurate, then that wife did violate what I'd consider to be a cardinal rule. You don't establish relationships when the ill spouse is remotely capable of comprehending.
    •  
      CommentAuthorNikki
    • CommentTimeJul 10th 2013
     
    I will only say that Lynn is late stage, needs total care and has zero recall. But, he does still love me and is able to express that by both physical (asking for a kiss or a hug) and is still able to say "I love you". I have shared on facebook how he does to this day get upset if he thinks someone is 'hitting on me'. (they were not, we were simply talking) He has even said, hey that is MY wife. I never would have guessed he was that aware, but he clearly is.

    Everyone has an opinion on this, (and it's not just "an age thing", I am 46), so here is mine....I see nothing wrong with the well spouse seeking out another relationship IF their spouse is very advanced and I will add, in a nursing home or ALF. From the first time this was brought up on this board I have always said I felt a 'love triangle', with the well spouse home and the affair being in the home was a bad idea. I am sorry, I still feel this way. I just don't think it is kind to have a new love interest in the same home with the ill spouse. We simply do not know what they may be aware of, or if they are being hurt. Most could not express it even if they were.
    • CommentAuthorAmber
    • CommentTimeJul 10th 2013
     
    Emily - and again I think differently. When hubby is in care if...and that's a big if, someone where to come into my life why wouldn't I. I never would never tell hubby but by this time he is a husband by name only. He no longer can do any of the husband/partners things. I would like to....no need to... get on with my life. I will always look after him and make sure he has good care but I will have a life after this. While he is at home....who has the emotional availability, time or energy to get into another relationship. OK some do but for the majority we don't.
    • CommentAuthorAmber
    • CommentTimeJul 10th 2013
     
    Nikki - in this case I would also think of the children and what they are going through with a mom that isn't there. Moms give to their children and with this illness she wouldn't be able to give only take. I think, and no I don't have all the info, with amicrazy that the children have a mother figure that can nurture and care for them. We all know how burnt out and tired we are so I wonder if the dad is feeling the same way and then have 2 young children to look after. Amicrazy must be a godsend to him. Just make sure she isn't being used.

    $.02
  12.  
    Nicki--I'm pretty much with you on that. Having all in the home seems dicey to me. You're right--we can't be 100% sure what they perceive, even momentarily.
    • CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeJul 10th 2013
     
    I occasionally watch the program about the polygamy families. I do believe there is the ability to love and be committed to more than one. In these polygamy families the mothers all take care of all the children, there is resentment/jealousy sometimes but they remind themselves they made the choice. So it is possible that the wife is aware and also accepting. Despite my hurt, if I had small children I would be happy someone is sharing the load of loving and caring for them when I can't.

    I do not think I could but there are those that can - maybe more than one man: an outside handyman, an inside one to cook, clean and take care of the inside of the house.
    • CommentAuthorJazzy
    • CommentTimeJul 10th 2013
     
    Amicrazy

    One thing that really stands out in one of your threads is where you said he gets no support from the family to take care of her and yet I see where you say you have met his family and they are very supportive of your relationship. Why is this?
    I just can't understand why they will support his relationship with a healthy woman but not help him care for the sick one. This just is totally beyond me.
    I just don't understand your thread or why you brought your story to this site. Were you looking for approval? If so did it help?
    • CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeJul 10th 2013
     
    amicrazy - you might go to Facebook and check the group Memory People. You might find others there in your situation too. Just a thought cause I dont' know.
    • CommentAuthorLFL
    • CommentTimeJul 10th 2013
     
    Jazzy,

    I'm with you...why did amicrazy? decide to bring this issue to this website. Do you consider yourself a spouse or partner? I am not being judgmental, just curious. Hopefully you got what you were looking for.
  13.  
    Is this not possibly a rebound romance? When this man's wife dies, how is he going to feel.
    • CommentAuthorxox
    • CommentTimeJul 10th 2013
     
    Hang. Very good point. I don't know how I will feel after my wife goes into alf in a month, or how I will feel as she declines and dies. Those are points where I could decide to stop a relationship if I was in one.

    Jazzy, I believe amicrazy said the wife's family isn't providing any support. She didn't say that about the husband's family.
  14.  
    When it comes to young children, this is hard. Our DD who is now 17 has been neglected by me so many times. I am very glad to have the families of her friends step up to help out. Taking her shopping, out to dinner, to the movies, etc. I am torn between helping DH and DD, that amicrazy is there to help the children sounds like a good step in helping out the family. This is a very hard way to live and there is not one right way to do this. We all just need to do what is best for us at the time.
    • CommentAuthoramicrazy
    • CommentTimeJul 10th 2013 edited
     
    Jazzy. Realistically he gets no support from his family or hers. He really only has a couple of close friends that currently help. I cant understand why families wouldnt want to show love and support during this time but it seems both of their families have chosen to distance themselves wherever she is involved. They do occasionally help with the children but its not as often as you would think.

    I wasn't looking for approval as I dont need approval. I was looking for someone in a similar situation to mine as some of you have made a very personal choice to date just like I have chosen to be involved.

    Love triangle...I am only there a few times a week when he has work obligations. I do what I can, when I can. Do I feel like I am being used NO. Like I said this works for us and I am doing what I can to help all of them and as i said previously I love them..each of them.

    Rebound for me NO. What will happen when she passes away I dont know. I cant predict the future and no one can. I do feel like I am a partner through this journey. Some of you probably struggle getting through each day and I am trying to help him through each of his days by showing love and support and by being their for the children and his wife when I am needed.