Today I got told that I've taken over DH's entire life. I'm trying to curtail his driving. I make all appointments. Write all the bills, reconcile the bank account....You name it. I've taken over.
Well, yes. You are correct. What else am I suppose to do? How is that his memory is good enough to recognize that I've taken over and bad enough that he can no longer do these things. Yet, I'm the 'bad guy' for doing it. If I didn't do these things, I would be deemed neglegent!
Mawzy..I'm right there with you. I have taken over all that I can think of right now, and WOW huge resentment. I can't blame him, but our finances were so screwed for the last couple of years (because I didn't know and pay attention..Mea Culpa) that I am just getting out from beneath all the bloody $$$ stuff. I was leaving for my ONE thing I do..Pilates..and was hit with "I need to know all about all of our finances and bank information NOW!' *#*!* I just said LATER and left. There are a couple of things I need to cover, but he has gone along with everything until just now ???? My mind isn't handling the roller coaster thing very well yet...he still has a debit card, but at this point I think that is okay..hope I am not wrong. Most people would think he was fine, but those who know him see the difference immediately. Watched our g-kids today to help out and he called three times in 15 minutes under stress for no real reason. Loluck! I hate not being there for our kids..my wee guy said he was sad because "I don't come to his house anymore"..just kills me. Another day, I guess.
Yeah! Roller-Coaster. That's the word I was looking for. An emotional roller-coaster.
I made the mistake of saying I was going to look into SS disability for him. He went straight through the roof. "I'm not disabled. What are you trying to do? Ruin my life?"
He doesn't qualify anyway. So, there's nothing to look into. But just the fact of the outburst.
Can you send little cards or e-mails or some little trinket to your wee-guy? Maybe make a pen-pal out of him until things settle down? How old is he? My youngest gchild is 10 and he just asks if Gransfather is feeling better today. Makes me have a lump in my throat when I tell him to just play quietly around him and be extra sweet. That's really too much for a little guy but he's really good about it.
Have a wonderful weekend and thanks, for your note!
I think of my life on the boing-boings! Those little sit on toys at kiddie playgrounds. 'They are usually a cosmic animal that sits atop a heavy duty coil spring. You can bounce them up and down, forward and backward, and even sway side to side. You can be riding the boing boing forward or back, or up and down. But all it takes is for someone to push from the side and there ya go. Boing-ing side to side. That is what I feel like when I go through the stresses and strains of trying to pick up every detail, every task, every chore he used to do- along with all my own "lady of the house" duties. I'm going along just fine, and out of the blue he comes at me from the side and "boing-boing" I go. He starts yelling that I don't tell him anything I'm doing. I took everything from him, and he doesn't like it. And he goes on about all the things he always did with no help. If I offer to give him a responsibility back suddenly he gets defensive. Then he starts talking about how I'm doing such a good job. Or he'll say, "No, you seem to really like doing that. I don't want to take that away from you. You keep doing it."
kathi37 - Maria Schriver (Arnold's wife) wrote a book "What's Happening to Grandpa" for kids. I looked at it and thought it might be helpful in some cases - a little simplistic is my recall, but you might check it out. I heard sometime in my life that a 'benevolent despot is the most efficient form of government'. Now I see myself in that roll - I am the 'benevolent despot' in that I make all the decisions but I try to do it thinking about what my DH would prefer. The advantage to this is I only have to have a discussion with myself!
Well, if the discussion is with yourself, and you ask questions, you probably get a clear answer--unless you second guess yourself. I've been known to do that. I weigh the options, make a decision, act on it and THEN after the fact, I wonder if I did the right thing. I can drive myself nuts all by myself--don't need any help.
Thanks for the kind words..our youngest GC is nearly four, so doesn't relate very well to what is happening. My DH hasn't spent the time with the GC in the last few years, so he isn't a large presence in their life. My daughter and her husband both work for Nike, and this has been the travel summer...she is in Beijing right now so I am trying to help my busy SIL, but it is hard when I don't feel comfortable leaving my husband home alone. We'll survive, but this will be a tough couple of weeks.
Mawzy- As a newcomer to the site but a 17 year veteran (and ongoing) of struggling with aAD spouse, my words of comfort are-you do what you have to do at the time knowing that in that particular moment you are also doing the best you can at the time-for both of you. Believe me-things will get better-this too will pass. Peace to you. Sandy
Yesterday I was running his life (and yes, Mawzy, like you, I was). Today I'm not me, I'm someone else who seems to follow his instructions very well. But not his wife. It's actually a great relief!