As I look back on the the dementia journey that my Dear Helen and I went through, I sometimes ask myself this question, If I could choose between being the caregiver for my Dear Helen or being the one with the dementia, and having her as my caregiver, which would I choose ? I really don't know what it was like for her during that journey but I'll never forget what I went through as caregiver. So for me, there is no doubt about my choice. I loved her so much, I would never have wanted her to go through what I went through. I would a thousand times rather be the caregiver....And I was....So can I be happy about that ?... Yes...At least one reason to be happy.
My choice, if given, I'd have the dementia and he would be the caregiver. He would have been much more patient than I. He was mild mannered and kind. He would now be taking care of all the finances and the yard and handyman work that I must pay someone if I can find them. Oh yes, it should have been me. He would be doing much better now than I.
When thinking about it, I think like George. Of the 2 of us, even with my slowly progressive neuromuscular disease, I was the better equiped to deal with his dementia. DH would have tried, and would have wanted to do it, had the situation been reversed, but his mutiple learning disabilities and Mental Illness would have made it impossible for him to do. That would have been horrible for him to have had to face. I think it's remarkable how we've been paired. When all gets said and done, we all do the best we can, and we are getting the job done well. When our LOs pass, it is with dignity wrapped in our love. And...we are surviving. What's more, we are buiding new lives for ourselves. We are not forgetting, but rather using the new strengths we have developed to be the stronger, better person this experience has made us. Our LOs are, or will be safe and at peace, and w are more than surviving; we'rethiving. That's a WIN in my book.
If nothing else, I have learned not to ask "what if?". Things happen as they do for a reason. Lloyd's cousin once told me (actually more times than that) that God sent Lloyd to me for the simple reason that He knew I would love him and take care of him. I don't know if I was the stronger of the two of us, but obviously, I was strong enough. Carol, I am surviving, but not admirably. Most days I miss him so much that I would rather be with him than here. Life just doesn't seem to be worth much without him. However, our first great grandchild will be here tomorrow at the latest and Lloyd would have been so happy. He loved the babies (because they are not willful). He was partial to the girls, but was especially fond of my son's oldest, Evan (Grandpa called him Spike) because he spent so much time with us and was very obedient at the age of 2. (lol)
Linda, it will get better. Just as you came through the Caregiving jouney in stages, you'll find your grieving and suvival will happen in stages. Be patient; give yorself time to get there.
I have no regrets about my decision to be her primary caregiver. The time we spent early on while she was still here, more than made up for the time and sacrifce I made when I was caring for her body that she was trapped in.
I am so sorry for your recent loss (yes, recent as February is still so very fresh). Please allow yourself time to heal....I loss my prior husband to a close head injury (auto accident) in my early 40's. He was the love of my life and he was my soul-mate. I did move on, but still miss him so very much even today. There is not a day that doesn't go by that I don't think about him....about us...and how our lives were cut and shattered so very quickly. Yes, time helps heal the wounds and it does get easier, but cherish those dear memories. Tuck them away in your heart and remember how blessed you were to have him even if only for a short time.