Well, this is my first discussion topic since joining the forum. I have been responding to other's topics, but now I am in need of a shoulder to cry on. My DW has slowly been declining over the last two years. She has had virtually no short-term memory at all, in fact she will forget things within a few seconds. She has lost the ability to use any of the appliances, telephone, TV remote, ect. But the one thing she retained has been things from the past. Last night she was looking at an anniversary ring I gave her for our 10th wedding anniversary. It was a big deal, since 3 years prior she continually reminded me of exactly what she wanted. When I gave it to her, the family made a big deal out of it so she would be surprised, even though she knew what it was. But last night she looked at it and told me she thought it was pretty. I asked her if she knew where it came from and she said "No", She didn't recall why she had it, or who gave it to her. No recollection of the events leading up to it.
I asked her a few other questions about our past, and she could not recall. Another arrow through the heart! I have read that while the short-term memory is often the first to go, that many retain long-term memories even up to the late stages. It seems to me that her loss of memory seems to be declining faster than I expected. I didn't see this coming and don't know what to expect now.
Cheval, We are familiar with your heartache, I am so sorry. One thing you will see over and over here is the saying "If you've seen one Alzheimer's patient, you've seen one Alzheimer's patient", meaning each person is unique and there is no set rules. I think it is normal to want to know what to expect next, we want to brace ourselves for the next blow. But there isn't any way we can know what will happen or when. Eventually we come to realize what might happen next, isn't as important as trying to live in the moment.
The "firsts" hurt deeply. The first time they forget important life events, their children's name, our names, etc. etc. It is something I never was able to brace for, though I did try. I am convinced that something's you just can't be prepared for. It absolutely sucks! It is horrendous all that we must face. But truly, we can't know what to expect next.
I came to the realization, and shared it here years ago, that where are spouse is, right here, right now, is the best it is ever going to be. Though I do know how difficult it is, we must try to live in today. We waste so much time with our spouses dwelling on what they can't do. I was able to eventually turn my thought process around to where I was able to not be consumed in all that was lost and instead truly treasure what Lynn was still able to do.
It hurts greatly and I believe it is vital to mourn each loss, each blow, each "arrow to our hearts". But do try to not let the grief consume you. There is so much that your DW can still do. Make it quality time, these are the memories that will help you through the later stages.
Nikki, Oh how your ((hugs)) are so welcome! I have been going through the grieving process for two years now and just when you think you are pulling yourself up, you get knocked down again by this disease. You are so right, each case is different and unique. It seems that no matter how much you read and try to prepare, you do get taken aback as things happen unexpectedly. I was able to speak to my daughter this morning about this issue and she is gaining an understanding of AD that I wasn't sure she would have yet. That made me feel better knowing that no matter what comes next, we will be ok, the kids will be ok. You are right about staying in the moment. That is much better to be with her now and not dwell on what is lost in the past. She remains happy, because we don't focus on what she can't do and that she has people around her that she knows love her. I know the time is coming when she will no longer remember who I am, as much as that will hurt, I will be ok. The focus will be in caring for her. Thank you so much.
Cheval, you are an amazing caregiver! Your love shines through in all you share. That she remains happy, that is such a gift, one I can tell you treasure. You have a good outlook and that will see you far. I am glad your daughter is able to grasp what is happening, so many seem to be in denial. How wonderful that you are able to talk openly and honestly.
You have probably figured out by now that I firmly believe even in late stage, our loved ones do still remember us. They may not be able to say our name when asked, but that does not mean we are forgotten. If you nurture it, there will be glimmers of your shared love. Hold on tightly to that ♥
I am so glad to see you sharing your thoughts and heartache. It helps so much to be among our friends here, the only people who truly know the pain in our hearts. (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
yes nikki is right, those 'firsts' insights that there are progressive profound losses suck the wind right out of us. once you can grieve then release it will be a great start to allowing the process to develop. these sufferings take a long time to overcome but if its any good news they do become weaker and we tend to be able to compensate and override the eternal loss as they move forward. when they get to where nikkis and my spouse are we have almost gone thru every turmoil and emotion possible and have drawn a tight wall that has been able to protect us as much as possible. there are threads a bout the 'emotional wall' we must make for ourselves. not easy but helpful in the longrun as many will attest to here. a special gift that loses its shine is especially painful, so sorry you have to go thru it. divvi
HI Cheval, your love for your mate just shines through. I too know about that sucking out the air our of your chest pain. Not lately though, now it simmers and calms down.
Cheval, the first time I really got upset, really bad, is about a year or so ago when my husband started crying because he could not figure out how to change stations on the Dish network, as this was his main pleasure at the time, watching his cowboy movies. No matter what I did, put red marks on the right buttons etc. , he just kept throwing off the satellite. Then he threw down the remote, turned over on his bed, and sobbed.
I ran outside and called my sister on the mainland, and I was hysterical, oh I can't take this oh it hurts too much to see him cry. Oh how will I handle it when he does not know me and it gets worse? I was really shook up.
Fast forward a year, he is in a local facility, he cannot walk, barely talk, cannot feed himself, and does not call me by name. And you know what, oh yes, yes yes it is sad and awful, but, I do not cry and hurt as much anymore. I think that early grieving over and over can be a GOOD thing, you have to feel it. However the sadness is one thing, the lack of sleep and support is something else, please watch out for that as you can get really sick. (I did)
I also send you a million hugs and friendship and sweet Hawaii fragrance all over the "rainbow bridge" . It is so good you can talk to us here.
Oh, yes it is so good to talk to you wonderful and caring people. I knew that I could turn to you all and you would help me ease the pain. And you have helped me more than I could put into words. Two years ago, I had to pull myself through the day at work and would cry if I had a moment to myself. Now while the pain is still there, but having gone through the grieving process, I feel like I am getting stronger and will be better able to prepare for what is to come.
Oh Cheval, It does hurt, doesn’t it? I can remember exactly where I was and the entire scene around me the first time my husband “lost” a significant period of our family history. My teenage son was there, too, and seeing the shock and pain on his face when his dad could not remember was especially heartbreaking. It took some time to process it - that this period of our lives together was no longer part of my husband’s history. But how could that be? He was there – it lasted months – we’ve had running jokes about it with our children for years!
The next time it happened I was not shocked, as the others have said, we adjust.
(((HUGS))) to you and prayers for both you and your wife.
I think I try not to test his memory. I know he is forgetting further back. Our 7 year old grandson who he has not seen in 6 years except for pictures, is still that baby that left here 6 years ago. I take each day as it is trying not to be too aware of what has lost or is loosing. I read on these boards what will come and that is enough. Today the wind started so the awning needed to come in (we live in an RV). He forgot how to do it. He eventually figured it out but was sad cause something he has been doing for years it going. Same with emptying the black and gray water tanks, same with trouble he is having finding the words he wants.
It is sad and we all need the hugs and understanding we get here.