I just received an email from the Alz Assoc. with "news" that AD patients mimic the emotions of those around them. If we're calm, they will be calm, if we're angry, they will be angry, etc. Do we believe this?
There could be something to this to some extent. I know my kitties are sensitive to my moods or if I am under stress..They actually try to make things better...they become little mothers. So I suppose that if we are uptight, irritated, etc. our LO can well pick up on that and it could make them anxious for reasons they can no longer understand.
I got the same email and was thinking about it too. On one hand, I think I do believe it. Overall my DH is in a relatively good mood most of the time and I attribute it to my attempts to always be upbeat and make his life as stress-free as possible. But if I open up any type of discussion on any complex matter such as finances, he always gets that "deer in the headlights" look and the discussion goes nowhere. And I'm frustrated and angry as hell then.
On the other hand, sometimes I think his flat emotional effect is rubbing off on me. Some days I just don't care what happens in the future -- for me it's depression, for him it's la-la land. What a mess!
I found early on with my DH if I stayed upbeat, DH was happy. If I became upset he became out of sorts. Same if I and DD had a fight. So we work very hard not to fight. For us I believe it. But like we know not all Alz patients are alike.
I think there is some truth to this, based on my experience with my DH so far. If I stay upbeat and calm, then he doesn't seem to get upset (although he might still get frustrated at himself). When I am tired and irritable, and I am "short" with him, then it seems he over reacts to things and either starts to sulk or pout, or raises his voice. Or maybe when I am tired and irritable I notice his over reactions and child like behavior more, and this makes me more tired and more irritable, and so the cycle continues. I work very hard to stay calm, and I am generally an optimist by nature, but I am also human and can get angry, tired, and depressed.
I remember Divvi talking about this several times over the years. I definitely know that how I act and react towards Lynn plays a large role in how he responds to me.
I think one of the harder things for me to accept was that Jim's happiness was completely dependent on my happiness. I couldn't believe that I was losing everything, our future, my career, personal freedom, our financial security, and most painfully, my dearest love and partner, while taking on every aspect of his care as well as the finances and the house and the food preparation and the chores and the driving...and, and, and...BUT most importantly, I had to be HAPPY while doing it all?!?!?
I've been through so many stages of acceptance with AD. My own rage and fury at the unfairness of it all, exhaustion from all the responsibility and work, the battle with dark depression, oceans of tears of grief and sadness. I tried pretending to be happy, but no one can sustain that every moment of the day. So I realized that I had to find a way, some way, to actually BE happy in the midst of this devastation so that Jim could have a happy life, too.
The first step was accepting that Jim was on his own path and that I, as his love and partner, could choose whether or not to travel this path with him. Recognizing that I was still a free person with a choice and that I was choosing to stay and take care of him, eliminated much of the anger and my feelings of powerlessness. The next step was to decide what kind of care I wanted to provide. I chose to make it my top priority, accepting that doing so would also require me to take better care of myself than ever before.
Choosing to travel with Jim doesn't mean my life is over. There is dignity in this role, as I believe that one of the highest callings we have as humans is the care of innocents. It is a sacred and awesome responsibility and I'm proud of myself for accepting this challenge. However.
I can see that AD brutally and irreparably damages caretakers. I can see that it is changing me, too. I feel the edge of bitterness and disappointment sharpening itself on my weariness and grief. Hopelessness lingers in the air. Despair sits heavy on my shoulder. And fear. Fear of what I read on these boards every day. Fear of what is most likely coming. Fear that I will break long before we reach the end of the road.
This then, is my challenge. To fight those demons, to learn to what I need to be truly happy, to take pride in accepting this responsibility, to choose life, to keep breathing, to claim what is mine as a free person in whatever circumstance life gives me.
I don't believe that things "happen for a reason." I believe we give reason to things that happen. Just as Jim's brain slowly, drip by drip, becomes more tangled and dies, I have been given the opportunity to slowly, drip by drip, become a better person. So every night, I thank Jim for giving my life purpose and meaning. And I really mean it.
Bunny'sLamb, so very beautiful , thank you for that awesome post. I too believe we will never be the same, it is like the torn garment Nikki mentioned. Sewn back together, but different. Also though I know that most of us here will be better people, and so proud of ourselves and grateful for the opportunity to serve our fellow human beings, alas , I feel that not all will grow with it. For those that cannot bear, how I wish there was a way to help them.
Bunny's Lamb--you are such a talented writer and have expressed my feelings to a T. I think you need to post more often!!!
Re the subject of this thread--I have heard that as their cognitive ability lessens, people with dementia become more sensitive to body language, tone of voice, etc. than the rest of us. So, in addition to taking on huge additional responsibilities, dealing with the loss of our partners, and a million other issues, we are faced with have a spouse who is not only mirroring our moods, but has become extremely sensitive to them. I suppose we could use this to our advantage, if one has the presence of mind, (as well as good acting skills) by constantly faking happiness. Tall order to fill. However, I do remember reading that if you constantly pretend you are happy, you can even fool yourself into believing it!
Bunny's Lamb: Great post. Since I have completed the journey that you are now on, I can personally tell you that your approach to caregiving an altz patient is commendable. I wish I had adopted more of your attitude earlier.
But, my experience is that you cannot go thru this and not be a different person. How? I can only speak for myself. I am much more sensitive to others and when I finally realized that altz patients can't help themselves and would not want to do the things they do and feel the way they do, it helped me be a better person. My DW's personality changed from loving to mean and hateful before I knew what was wrong with her and before we got her meds right, but, she couldn't help it.
Sounds to me like you have it all together. But, you can't go to Hell and back and be the same person you were.
DH definitely studies others to help determine what his reaction (emotion) should be. He also has a hard time controlling his emotions. Our oldest son is moving across the country and he has been crying a lot about that. When I try to talk to him, so I can reassure him about what ever has him so upset, he can't talk - just crys. Breaks my heart that I can't comfort him...
It's true, to a degree, with FTD. The time my wife almost bit off my ear (she did draw blood) was after a phone call and the caller was angry with me. She was very happy prior to the call, then she got angry at me too.
So if we are anxious they are likely to be anxious. If we are calm it helps.
However, it isn't like we can control them my controlling our presentation. Ain't that simple to me.
And I wonder if they are more likely to pick up negative emotions. I need to avoid showing anger.
In my case my wife's empathy is poor and she has problems picking up how other people feel, from either their facial expressions or language.
As for AD people mimicking the caregiver behavior I compared it to one of those Chinese finger traps. You put two fingers in and the harder you try to pull out the tighter it gets. Only when one side gives in can it be released.
Many times when trying to get my wife to dress or bathe or eat I would start to get angry and I quickly saw that the more I yelled at her to do something the less she wanted to do it. Only when I gave in and took the attitude and voice inflection that I was happy (not true) and it was a game (it wasn't) and that nothing mattered (it did) would she become cooperative. When she became cooperative then everything was easier.
I have been thinking about this since it was posted yesterday. Yes, I think it is true. It might be hard to tell if they are in a very agitated, aggressive period. Now that my DH has been on his new meds and has calmed down I see that when I am trying to hurry him because we have to be somewhere he gets upset. or when I get upset because he asked me to tie his shoes for the 20th time. When I get aggravated is when he is the least cooperative.
My DH has always been pleasant and agreeable, never combative or uncooperative so when I read this report, I wanted to think he was this way because I was such a good, calm and loving caregiver but then thought about all the loving caregivers here who have had terrible times with their LO's behavior and I don't believe it was a mirror of the caregiver's attitude. In fact, some of the caregivers were afraid of their spouse but continued to take care of them anyway. I greatly admire them.
You certainly have a great attitude and express it very well. You have searched and found the elusive bright side of all this misery. You have accepted the situation which cannot be changed and have done the next best thing, You changed your attitude.
You see your role as caregiver as a challenge and are proud of how you are handling it. And you are happy that you can make Jim happy.
Many great thinkers, down through the ages say that what makes all of us happy, is making someone else happy. It sure works with me. ..........................................I really like your post....GeorgieBoy
Thank you all so much for reading and commenting on my post. I'm terribly grateful to everyone for sharing your lives. Every post I've read, every single one of them, has been beneficial to me in some way and has helped me wrap my head around this unwanted and horrible situation. I am humbled by the courage, honesty, tenacity and boldness I witness every day on this site. You all shine so brilliantly.