Last weekend was 52 weeks since my 14 plus hour vigil at my husband's bedside. Yeah, I walk around the grounds; vodka in hand.
I remember that a poster here said she and her H had talked about a sign. So did we,and after a year he has never sent me that sign. I believe he died hating me and please, if there is anyone out there who knows otherwise, please tell me the difference.
Later this month is the 10 year anniversary of my best friends's death. At least I know there was no hate there.
Hi Abby. I hope you're making a little progress in forgiving yourself. You were a great caregiver, but the disease was so cruel. I know that your situation was horrible and there are deep wounds, but the hate you speak of was the result of organic brain disease, not from his heart. You may think "that's easy for her to say" because Steve still shows me love, but I think it's the only thing you can tell yourself. Please try to dredge up images of your husband from an earlier time, when he showed you his love. Do you look at old photos? I think that may help. Hugs, Marilyn
P. S. I heartily recommend reading the new soap opera thread. I lost a dear friend last week and yesterday, the thread had me laughing out loud and helped get me out of a funk. Thanks to our resident humorist, Mary75*, for starting it! I think some of Eric's comedic talent rubbed off on you. I brought the old one ttt too. It really helps to be silly sometimes. I have a new friend and I really appreciate his playfulness and silliness.
Oh my dear sweet Abby, I am so sorry for your pain. I have no words that can heal your heart. Only able to offer my (((hugs))) to you. Please don't let this take you over. You were on the receiving end of a very cruel disease. You did a very brave job with your husband. You need to remember the good times and let go the bad.
Abby, my heart breaks for you. I don't have to reach too far back in my mind to dredge up the intense pain from that period of time when the "Alzheimer's devil" took over my Lynn. He treated me like I was his mortal enemy. Of all we must face with this damn disease, I think that is the cruelest part. It is tragic enough to lose the love of your life, to have them turn on you so drastically, it hurts beyond measure.
I have shared with you before Abby that once placed the love and kindness returned to Lynn. We beat the "Alzheimer's devil", we won that battle in this war. I have had over 4 years of gentleness, words of love, tender moments, to help me heal from the trauma and abuse this damn disease inflicted.
But I say this as honestly as I can, If God had taken Lynn before placement, when he treated me as his mortal enemy, I would be feeling much the same as you are right now.
I know that you do realize it was the disease that made him act the way he did. I also know that I was well aware of it too, but at the time it didn't do one damn thing to help ease the pain. Most of us who have had to deal with the aggression and rages were able to see our spouses through that "stage" and were rewarded by getting our gentle spouse back.
That didn't happen for you Abby and you are understandably stuck in the depths of the intense pain. You had one crisis after another, there was no peace, no comfort, no gentleness to help you through your grieving process. I can't offer you the proof you desire, but Abby, he didn't hate you. I pray you can come to truly know this in your heart.
I like Marilyn's idea of looking through old pictures of the happier times before Alzheimer's ripped your world apart. It will be painful, of this I have no doubt. But it can't be as painful as being trapped where you are right now. Alzheimer's has taken so much from you dear Abby, please fight to reclaim your happier memories of the love you shared.
Dear Abby*, my heart and soul grieve for you and the terrible journey with the Alzheimer's devil you had to endure. Many of us can relate to the aggression, hate and physical/emotional abuse and as Nikki so wisely says, you were not able to come out the other side where tenderness, love and gentleness replaced the horrors of the disease. Like Nikki and Marilyn, I too believe your husband didn't hate you or want to harm you, but it was his disease. But I also know that your husband's decline and death happened so quickly there was never time for "reconcillation" meaning his disease was still ravaging his brain when his life was cut short. Yes, it will take time to emerge from the intense pain and make sense out it. Perhaps you will never be able to fully make sense out of it. But there were good times before this dreaded illness and try to remember why you fell in love and married your husband.
I am going to say something that might make you (and others on this board) angry at me...at least god was merciful and took him quickly so you didn't have to endure the abuse for many more years. I'm officially into year 5 now and it is only marginally better. I am tired of this and want it to end. I don't deserve this (neither did you) and I know when DH dies he will never have moved on to the gentleness and peace that Nikki's husband Lynn has attained. We get who we get. ((((HUGS))))
((LFL)) Sharing your true feelings could never anger me. I am however deeply saddened for you. I pray you are wrong and that the later stages do bring more kinder and gentle moments for you. ((hugs))
Our dear, dear Nikki, such inspiration. Your words always touch my heart and I am grateful that you continue to share your wisdom and experiences. I too hope that Rich will become kinder and gentler but no matter what I do, no matter what drugs he's on, no matter who cares for him, etc., etc., etc., he's still mean, aggressive, trying to escape, etc. I do know it's the FTD but it doesn't make it any easier to live with. I yearn for "the happy dementia guy". He's in mid-late stage 6 now and has not yet mellowed. A respected geriatrician told me that his behaviors will only get worse until he's bedbound, but not before because of his FTD. I smugly said to myself "What does he know?. Easier days are ahead". But guess what? That was almost 9 months ago and yes he was right.
I think Abby's* husband was like mine but on a faster track of declining. Given more years of aggression or a faster decline, I would choose the faster decline. Right now, it would be a godsend for both of us if he died.
I can truly understand how you feel. I am repeatedly told "it's the disease and he has no control over it" But the bottom line is our memories have been shattered by cruelty regardless --disease or not. I am carrying a lot of anger around (not something I am very proud of), and he has hurt me beyond belief. I will care for him (it's my moral obligation), but the disease has destroyed my respect and love for him. I will (like you, try to move forward, but the pain they have caused is deep) I wish you the very best Abby.
LFL, I can and do understand exactly how you feel. I feel the same way. My husband is declining quickly ...very much so when I think that less than a year ago he was driving, paying the bills, and functioning fairly well (he had many people fooled that he wasn't the person he really was). Now he can has trouble getting up from a sitting position and shuffles as he slowly walks. I do feel sorry for him, but love him no longer (I believe you can understand as we both are dealing with similar issues ---as I believe Abby was also) FTD is a monster...and coupled with alzheimers we have a double dose. I respect your honestly and say it uncompromised! Take care and LFL thanks for all the help and support you have provided me. You 're are a sweet lady.
LFL, I can understand your feelings. I remember too well the devastation the violence brought. How my heart aches for you, Lullie, for all of you who must face this horrific part of dementia. I had heard it said that FTD is like Alzheimer's on steroids, truly I am so sorry ((hugs))
If it brings you any hope at all, Lynn didn't become gentle again until stage 7. I remember everyone telling me he would settle down in the later stages and here we were late stage 6 and I was wondering when the hell it would ever happen, IF it would ever happen. I thank God it did!!
I have given it some thought, and though I have no proof, I can't help but wonder if the aggression happens because of where the disease is attacking/destroying the brain. And does it suddenly end because the disease has taken all it can from that area?
It breaks my heart to think of our poor Abby being stuck in the torment of the aggression and rages. I honestly didn't think I could survive it. But it does bring me great comfort to know it truly was the disease, that the real Lynn was still in there, held an unwilling hostage. That helped the forgiveness and the healing. That he was able to resurface so gentle and kind as he always was, well, that is how I have managed as long as I have. The love did return and I am so very grateful! That you were robbed of this Abby, I could cry just thinking of the injustice of it all.
Nikki, your posts always help me, even when you may have some difficult to hear advice.
Abby*, it also breaks my heart that you are stuck in the torment of aggression and rages. You did nothing to deserve it, in fact you did everything you could. I don't know how to help take away your pain, but I certainly would if I could.
Lullie, I will always be here to help you or anyone who needs it...unfortunately not always in the way you need, but following Nikki's example I am working on offering more generous and kind advice. Always a work in progress!
LFL, I think you quite amazing! It is something to see the changes in you over the years. You were always so sweet and kind, but your new strengths come shinning through in your posts ♥
Abby, still thinking of you...... we are here for you ((hugs))
LFL, Thanks for your generosity. I hope that things are easing up for you. ((hugs))
Abby, I am so sorry you had to suffer with the demenia. I hope the very best for you as I can identify with your hurts and sufferings.
Nikki, You're an amazing asset to this sight. Kind, gentle, and caring...you always have the right encouragement at the precise moment.
Others: what an amazing group of caregivers! We all come from such diverse backgrounds, but we all have one thing in common which makes us unique in that the general population has no clue just exactly how demanding our lives are. I wish we didn't have to be members of the exclusive club, but here we are making the best of our situation by learning, growing, supporting, and sharing our innermost thoughts with one another.