I hired a plumber to help me restore an old farmhouse, and after he had just finished a rough first day on the job: a flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric drill quit and his ancient one ton truck refused to start. While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands. When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation.. His face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss. Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.
'Oh, that's my trouble tree,' he replied 'I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, those troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children.. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home, and ask God to take care of them. Then in the morning I pick them up again.
Funny thing is, he Smiled,' when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before.
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.
Just a lovely thought, though I have to admit, I don't feel this way much of the time!
"As long as I can I will look at this world for both of us. As long as I can I will laugh with the birds, I will sing with the flowers, I will pray to the stars, for both of us".
Mim, that surely is a lovely thought. I think once you reach the later stages there comes a gentling of your heart, at least that is what happened for me. I feel that way, and it is such a peaceful place to be. Thank you for sharing it with us ((hugs))
I found another thought, which is absolutely for ME!!
"When you try to control everything, you enjoy nothing. Sometimes you just need to relax, breathe, let go & just live in the moment".
I'm learning (I hope) to pull back a little, to stop micro-managing every little thing, to let go (up to a certain point) & not project too far into the future.
Not the first word that comes to mind when the subject is Positive Thoughts and Expressions.
Boy's and men think about this word. There is a material chance that in each lifetime men might be faced with real battle. What each boy learns that gets into a physical fight is that you don't die because you get beaten up.
Not everyone that survives battles realizes what has happened, especially women who generally are more sensible about the need for battle to resolve issues. Sometimes everyone agrees we have no choice but to fight even in a war we cannot win.
And when you fight such a hopeless but necessary war you are changed because you are now a proven warrior.
Now you may not think that's an important point. I couldn't disagree more. In the face of the other battles that lie ahead which may be more for ourselves, the thing I would want to know is that I've already shown I have a lot of chutzpah.
Nobody cares that you dropped the rifle or threw up in your helmet. You've shown your nerve under fire with your comrades in arms. You already are a warrior seasoned in battle.
I wanted to put this story in this thread,,,as it is so positive and uplifting......
I just got back from taking Dado to the dentist, no easy task. It is in an old building and they lifted him in his wheelchair up the 4 steps. The doctor remembers him of course and has seen him go from that really nice guy that worked at Ace Hardware next door, to now.
They had to extract yet two more teeth, and doctor cleaned his remaining teeth as best as he could. I sat and held his hand, he did real well and I cried like a baby...just could not help it. Sometimes the whole picture for me, changes from the strong lady that does not cry much anymore, to the overwhelming REALITY of my beloved fading.
Anyway, we got him back in the wheelchair, and I said I will take him to the car and come back to pay the bill. (thinking 2 extractions and a quick cleaning would run close to $300.) WELL THE DOCTOR SAID, NO, THERE IS NO CHARGE. YOU ARE DOING A WONDERFUL JOB FOR HIM AND YOU DESERVE A BREAK!!
I hugged the doc and ran out of there sobbing, in a good way.
Today I took my dh to the barber for a hair cut, I wait in the car. When my dh came out, the barber came up to my window, said he had given Bill his card and put his phone # on the back. He said if he gets where he can't come in, just call and I'll come to him. I thought that was so sweet. It certainly made my day.
I told my dh today I think we should move to OK. My children, grandchildren, & great grand ( one is due today)are there and would help me. Here it is me and 911. Our friends are old and really don't understand. I look at it as something positive. It will be hardest on him. Of course he said I'll get my lic. back. Does this sound like a good idea or am I dreaming? I haven't told anyone besides my dh yet. Bonnie
bjblyghtnin sorry i hit tab and it went on site. i think your idea is good but be sure your children are on board with a move or it could be disappointing for you. i think it was lullie who moved and didn't get any support from her children. sorry you have to be here but it is a good site for all of us in this journey. Dorie
Thanks to both of you. I called both of my kids, they were all for it. My dh was trying to put it off till next fall, I said no we need to do it while we are able. He said do you think we could get a cat or a dog? LOL, just like a kid. I'm going for it, even though I dread it. Bonnie
Dorie is correct it was me who moved from the "heartland" to the southwest. The kids were all very encouraging and pushing hard for me to move. They said they would be here to help out and emotionally support me during this time. Prior to moving, I visited with them regularly, about 3 times a year or more, and they even went so far as to house hunt for me. After about 6 months of living here and after they saw the snowball decline they ran for the hills. High ..high...to the hills they ran.
To date, I rarely see or talk with them. I even mentioned to my son that before I moved we had more contact and visits than prior to the move. I truly hope that your situation will not work as mine did, but remember this is an ugly disease and many friends and family hit the high road. There are others on this site who are experiencing the same. How truly bless some are that have their families support,
I don't know where I got this, maybe from one of you Those we love don't go away, they walk beside us everyday. Unseen, unheard, but always near. Still loved, still missed and very dear. I think this describes our lo's. Also, we have a brand new great grand baby, healthy and beautiful, he has been named after my late husband, and father of my children. The world is beautiful today. Bonnie
I love your posting ! What a positive thought to focus on as sometimes our world, the world of an caretaker/spouse, seems to be collapsing and closing in on us. A world where sometimes we do truly feel so very lonely and forgotten by friends and family. Thanks for sharing this beautiful passage.
We don't need to face Alzheimer's to know adversity and it does us good to see those who refuse to let hardship slow them down and instead triumph - whatever that means to each person.
Wolf, my Mom shared this video with my family the other day, very touching!
I think that is such an important point to make "We don't need to face Alzheimer's to know adversity"... I think people often get stuck in their own pity party thinking nobody has it worse than they do. (when in fact so so many do!) There is plenty of pain and heartache to go around......
Nikki, I suspect you and I might largely agree on the role that love plays and what we mean by that. Like salve on the real wound I remind myself of the joys and esctacies that life willingly continues to offer and know that for me opening to the love around me is balm for my soul as it heals.
The other aspect as you point out is watching others battle their own adversity, give of themselves without reward, and watch the intensity of love anyone shares learning to feel that all love is a blessing and all loss of it is very hard - but it doesn't tarnish what love is.
I watched the mother. It was the mother I admired. And admiring others is a positive emotion where I'm glad to be able to feel that again for it's own sake.
Nikki, glad to see that you are posting and apparently things are OK. The gentling of the heart never came to me. I loved mim's verse about I will enjoy these things for both of us. I realized that I am doing that now.
Hi Mary, I thought that they meant a gentling of the heart in the later stages of the disease. That is what never came to me. Hugs to you too, Mary. I think you are amazing.
Dearest Jang*, I was going to write you personally but your email isn't in your profile. I hope you don't mind that I reach out to you here....so often I have felt badly for the way your story ended. They will all end the same, with our loved one dying, but some find peace in the later stages that help them through the grieving process. You didn't have any peace and at times I hear from you how you wished things could have been differently, how you wished you could have been more like other caregivers here.... and that just breaks my heart for you Jan.
Please know I say this with love in my heart.... I don't think you will be able to find the peace you are seeking until you allow yourself to stop beating yourself up. You did the absolute best you could at any given moment! I am remembering your story, how there was aggression, how you kept your dear Gord home, how your took respite (which you desperately needed!) and how Gord died soon after....
I can still hear in your posts that you are dealing with (IMHO) misplaced guilt and I wish I could take that from you!!! I will be brutally honest here, I would rather die than to live through the aggression and rages again.
With placement there are different challenges and different heartaches. None of it is easy!! But the biggest thing I am grateful for with placing Lynn is that I was able to become his wife and best friend again. I spend quality time with him daily and every single day he gets the absolute best of me. I am able to make that 4 to 6 hours all about making Lynn as happy as I possibly can. It is all about him, getting him to engage, stimulating him and showering him with love and affection.
He still recognizes me, he still responds to me. He lights up when I am with him. Our time together is so precious! Filled with only love, laughter and kindness. Sure I still change him, I do much of his daily personal care like shaving him etc... but I only do these things for a limited time each day.
Because of this gift of being able to be "just" his wife again, this is when the gentling of the heart happened for me. IF I still had him home, he would not be getting the absolute best of his wife.. he would be getting a worn out, consumed in grief caregiver.
Though we are all suffering the same fate, no two of our stories are the same. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, I think you were an amazing caregiver and wife Jan!! Please dear lady, give yourself permission to let go of the guilt and the could have been .... You did the BEST you could, and it was more than enough ♥ Much love ((Hugs))
Due to the positive replies my Dad's words received in the other thread that I shared this on, I thought I would post it here where I could easily find it again...
"No matter what happens I will always have deep gratitude for these past 3 years with Lynn. The peace of seeing him so content, far outweighs the torture Alzheimer's has inflicted. Every single day there is love and laughter, hugs and kisses. So many tender beautiful moments....I am so thankful for this precious time!
And that leads my mind to remember something my Dad said to me soon after Lynn was diagnosed..... "have you ever thought that God is not being cruel? Did you consider that He knows how much you love Lynn and that maybe this is His way of giving you the time you will need to say goodbye?"
At the time I was full of rage and could not see the kindness he was trying to share with me.... Now mostly healed and feeling blessed, I hear Dad saying those same words to me.... and I smile as I recall the tenderness in his voice, the kindness of his heart, the compassion shining in his eyes.. and I think you know what Dad? I do believe you were right! A love this great requires a long time to say goodbye to. And how damn grateful I am we have been given this time ♥"
I don't know much about your story as Gord passed before I started posting here. But I do know about rage, aggression, and not finding peace at the end. The best I could do, and in fact, Nikki and I corresponded here about this after my husband's death, was find resignation; never acceptance.
As other posters have expressed, my husband was generally much, much more "civil" to others, for lack of a better word. For whatever reason he saved the criticism, the bluntness, etc. for me. He was home (FTD) until a hospitalization took him to rehab, and then to ALF where he died very quickly. It was only during this last course of events that others saw and documented his hostility, and this hostility was despite a heavy load of meds.
To be honest I felt a sense of relief. It was always, so I perceived, behind the scenes, hush, hush, but "what is with her, he is not that bad". So, others finally saw what I had lived for years and I felt relief from that. Yet, I will always wonder if he was still angry with me when he died. And, who can relieve that?
"Yet, I will always wonder if he was still angry with me when he died. And, who can relieve that?"
Only you can Abby, only you ((hugs))
Look into your heart, beyond the heartache and pain, to the place where your love for each other was strong and true...there is where you will find the answer you seek.
Wild Geese You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world goes on. Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers. Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again. Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting over and over announcing your place in the family of things. from Dream Work by Mary Oliver
Thanks Nikki. My beautiful DD sent that to me. Today she sent me this:
"We receive and we lose, and we must try to achieve gratitude; and with that gratitude to embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses." - Andre Dubus II, Broken Vessels
She is currently going through a breakup with her long time boyfriend and it is appropriate for her in that sense. But I think the statement also says a lot about our situation in dealing with our spouses.
How did you get to be so wise and tender and compassionate? You are truly a gem. I have to pray daily to achieve a speck of what you have, I couldn't get through the day without my morning pleas for strength, love, compassion and patience. This journey is tough and never gets any easier.
PEACE It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise,trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still BE CALM IN YOUR HEART.