The idea for this thread came from the ever upbeat Nikki. No matter how much Alzheimer's Disease and her own health issues beat her down, she manages to find the positive side in all things. She is always there for us, encouraging us, advising us, helping us cope. She said that buried within all the threads of despair, there are messages of a positive nature, but they are difficult to find. For that reason, she suggested a "sticky" where we can write of something positive or encouraging that has helped us get through the Alzheimer journey.
So here it is - a thread for positive thoughts and expressions.
I was going to start by writing mine, but I want this to be yours, uninfluenced by what I might say.
Oh Joan how sweet you are! You did share a positive expression first, just by starting this thread. With ALL you are going through right now, you took the time out of your hectic schedule to bring us yet one more outlet on your amazing site. Thank you!!! For all you do for us ♥
I would like to contribute something I shared in another thread recently:
When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful.” ~ Barbara Bloom
The process is called kintsukuroi and it has been said that "it is a difficult and intensive process requiring no small amount of skill, but when the broken item is fixed, it is adorned with veins of precious metal and is thus made even more beautiful than it was originally."
This is how I choose to look upon my pain, scars and heartache. I believe the most truly beautiful people in this world are the ones who have suffered great loss. Just like kintsukuroi, it is a painstaking process towards healing, but we will be more beautiful "after".
I have this quote as a screensaver....
Grief changes us The pain sculpts us Into someone who Understands more deeply Hurts more often Appreciates more quickly Cries more easily Hopes more desperately Loves more openly.
Joan, this is a wonderful idea! I am looking forward to reading your thoughts. For some months now, I have been keeping a document on my computer desktop which I call bqd's inspirations. Whenever I come across anything that is positive and inspiring, I add it to the document so that I can refer to it when I'm up to my a** in alligators.
This is my contribution for this thread: "Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain." Vivian Greene
In no particular order, some of the gems that have stuck with me from our amazing members. I will post more as I try to find them ....
"It takes no more effort to expect the best, than to expect the worst .. " Phranque*
"let your heart be your guide." bluedaze*
"I honestly believe our LOs are still "in there". The Dementias wreck the communications lines and eventually shut them down, entrapping our LOs, but they still know us, and respond to us. How else to explain the brief flashes of them we've seen reported so many times, even at the very end? You've seen this yourself, with Lynn. Nikki, Lynn is not, nor will he ever LEAVE you. He is and will always live in your heart. You will make it through this. You told us yourself. Your love will see to it. Love remains." carosi*
"Nikki--years ago (I wish I could remember where) I read or heard of a study with end-stage Alzheimer's patients. The purpose was to see if these people, who could no longer speak, recognized their loved ones when they came to visit. The results were that the patients' blood pressure rose when someone they loved walked into their room. So from that finding, the conclusion was that yes, even at the very end these people knew there was a different connection with their loved ones than other people. I found it comforting to read that and hope it will help me deal with what is eventually going to happen." marilyninMD
I have posted this before, but I thought perhaps this would be a good place to share it again. It read it at a particularly difficult time in my life and it resonates still in my heart….
"When speaking publicly about suicide, I like to tell the story of the tree and the tree house. It's a true story. There is, in fact, a tree, and are remnants of the tree house. Both are in my backyard.
The tree is sturdy, large and leafy, taller than my two-story house, and mature, its trunk nearly three-feet thick. For children from a bygone era it was nature's version of playground equipment. More than just for climbing, the tree's hand-shaped branches held a tree house built many years ago by a farmer for his children.
As the years passed, the tree house fell away until nothing was left but a two-by-four attached to the trunk. As the tree grew taller and thicker, the board climbed higher and sank deeper into the trunk. Obviously, a board with rusty nails embedded in a tree is not natural to the tree, but the tree continued to grow so that today the trunk, bark and board are one.
The lesson that perhaps can be taken from the tree and the tree house is that when a tragedy becomes attached to our hearts, then we must find a way to grow with it, grow around it and allow it to be with us, but of course not become us. That is growth. And growth takes courage."
Nikki, I have said it before that you are an inspiration, your wisdom and strength while dealing with your own health issues...your my hero! bgd..that's my DD favourite saying
Having a couple of fallouts with friends and holding a grudge towards them made me a prisoner of that grudge, I had to let it go or it would take me down...so can it be said in the same sense, to hold that grudge,( if I can call it that) against Alz and what it does to us, makes us also a prisoner to the disease and will take us down. " Let go of the Alz grudge, and free yourself "
I am a firm believer in positive thoughts and surrounding yourself with people who are positive people. Being around negative people is a downer for me. Julia I know exactly what you mean about "holding a grudge". I can't say that I do but I have friends who do and they are absolutely harming themselves more than anyone else. Harboring bad feelings about anyone or anything takes more energy out of you than accepting what is and "let it pass".
This is a terrible disease for the whole family and it is hard to see "positive" in it, but you don't have to look far to see others with a bigger cross to bear then we have. So, keep up the positive thoughts for your own sake and your own future.
Imohr*, I held a grudge for nearly 2 years, she was in the wrong. It dragged me down so much. In the end I swallowed my pride and approached the person, "got the whole issue out in the open" and let it go. Yes, there are others with bigger crosses to bear, and we should remember and respect that too. Positive thoughts from now on..
"Second star to the right and straight on till morning!" - Peter Pan
"If you look for the bad in people you will surely find it. And if you look for the good in people you will surely find it." - Pollyanna
"These are not the droids you're looking for." - Obi Wan Kinobi
"Life goes by pretty fast. If you don't look around once in a while, you could miss it" - Ferris Bueller
"Really? How many men have you slept with? Well there was Abraham, Adam, Andrew, Arnold...wait! I'm still in the A's." - Dianne Keaton in Love and Death
"Why can't I have a normal boyfriend?!?" - Helen Hunt in As Good As It Gets
Life is a rich, poignant cachophony full of moments so beautiful they make us cry and so mournful they wrench our hearts and so funny they make us laugh. Time is tapestry so rich every soul who every was or ever will be would give a lot to feel one single heartfelt smile right now. Those that are here now are rich beyond dreams watching life unfold - being here riding along in time together. One more flower. One more tear for love. One more smile.
"Please sir. Can I have more?" - Oliver Twist
"Your only task is to decide what to do with the time that is given to you." - Gandalf
I am already benefit so much from this thread. Thank you all for sharing with us ((hugs)) With my daily efforts to practice my "attitude of gratitude" having these gems will help keep me line :D
A hard as it is, as much as it hurts, and knowing, that it is going to get harder, I do have some good things to say about all of this.
The main one for me, no sadly not for Dado, is that I used to get really down on myself, thought I was a selfish and self centered person. Now, I can see that it is TRULY BETTER TO GIVE THAN RECEIVE. Doing ALL of this, SO SO MUCH work and sacrifice, and love, has rewarded my heart so much. I am proud to have the gumption and strength to carry on. I thank the angels that must be helping because I just could not come up with the fortitude myself.
So that is one big one for me. I hardly cut myself down anymore, and I do not let people get to me as much as they used to. I know what it is to be alive, and to care, and to see more and more what life's purpose is. And it is, to help and care for others, as much as I can.
"Some of it's tragic, some of it's magic, but I have had a good life all the way." Jimmy Buffet
My husband and I both liked this long before his memory became "broken". We were both widowed when we met. He was my magic and I was his. I guess he still is.
Nikki/Joan...thank you for a wonderful idea and thread. I love reading these. Here's one. "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." Dr. Seuss ( I have this taped to my computer) Love to you all, Leigh aka Brady
Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy. -Eskimo Proverb
Another pearl of wisdom I came across in trying to heal from my Dad's suicide....
"There's an interesting discussion in the Talmud, an ancient Jewish writing. Those Jews had the custom of rending their garments - literally tearing their clothes - to symbolize the ripping apart that death brings. But the question was raised, after the period of mourning, could you sew the garment up and use it again? The teachers answered yes, but when you mended it, you should not tuck the edges under so it would look as if it had never been torn.
This symbolized the fact that life after grief is not the same as before. The rend will show. The next question was can you sell the garment? The teachers answered no. The rending and mending of our life is ours and others cannot wear it.
No, we don't get over it. We change and grow. Our life has a difference which is ours alone. We can't "get over it" because that would mean that we were not changed by the experience."
Dennis Klass, PhD. Webster University, St. Louis, MO
I lost my Dad in 2008, smack in the middle of some of my deepest grief over the daily losses of Lynn. I was full of rage. I took a shirt of each of theirs and ripped it to shreds!!! I would only work on repairing the shirts when I had feelings of love, forgiveness and healing in my heart.......It took me a very long time to sew them back together again. I have to say, it was profound and healing. Lynn's shirt I have since turned into a pillow, to symbolize the peace and comfort we have both now found. Quirky perhaps, but you do what you have to do......
Nikki, I understand how you feel with the pillow. When my mother passed away a few years ago, I took her old cotton skirts and blouses and made a quilt for my sister. Every piece of fabric reminded me of my mother and I could picture her wearing each item of clothing. It was a healing process for me to put the quilt together, and it was healing for my sister to receive it. Peace and comfort for both of us.
Got this one in an email today: "When you try to to control everything, you enjoy nothing. Sometimes you just need to relax, breathe, let go, and just live in the moment." Lessons Learned in Life.
bqd, what a beautiful thing you did for your sister! I never did take to sewing, the machines always frustrated me. I like to sew by hand. I have never taken on a quilt, nor do I intend to. But I understand what you are saying about how healing it was putting the quilt together. With each stich I made on the shirts, there was healing.
One of my favorite quotes by one of my favorite poets, Kahlil Gibran
"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”
MarilynMD - I really like that quote. My sorrow comes from the loss of a great and true love - but I had a great and true love to sorrow over - how fortunate was I!
Re: Rending garments. I have two questions about this custom.. a. Can I do the rendering on someone else??? b. Is it OK if they are still in their clothes?? If the answers to both are yes, how do I become Jewish by taking lessons in rendering???
I know Joan does not want us to discuss religious themes, but the rendering of garments just is too much for me to imagine.....cannot wait to be on the beach, and tell people that I want to become Jewish....
Phranque* there wouldn't be much need to rend garments on a beach would there? Wouldn't you need to go somewhere where people are actually fully clothed to make your proclamation of Jewishness and rending of clothes worthwhile? :-)
On another note, I was reading some old posts tonight and found this: Accentuate the positive, Eliminate the negative, Latch on to the affirmative, and don't mess with Mr. In-Between.
I haven't stopped humming the tune since I read it! :-)
The way she wears her hat The way she sips her tea The memory of all that No, no, they can't take that away from me
The way her smile just beams, The way she sings off key, The way she haunts my dreams, No, no, they can't take that away from me
We may never, never meet again On that bumpy road to love Still I'll always, always keep the memory of
The way she holds her knife The way we danced till three The way she changed my life No, no, they can't take that away from me! No, they can't take that away from me!
We may never, never meet again On that bumpy road to love Still I'll always, always keep the memory of
The way she holds her knife The way we danced till three The way she changed my life No, no, they can't take that away from me! No, they can't take that away from me!
(Taken from a section of Dr. Suess writing, "Oh the places you'll go!)
And when you're alone, there's a very good chance you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants There are some, down the road between hither and yon that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.
But on you will go though the weather be foul On you will go though your enemies prowl On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak.
On and on you will hike and I know you'll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.
You'll get mixed up of course, as you already know. You'll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go.
Be sure when you step Step with care and great tact and remember that Life's a GREAT BALANCING ACT. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.
And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.
Mary, it is called " Ac Cent Tchu Ate the Positive" written in 1944, words by Johny Mercer, and music by Harold Arlen. I had also forgotten it until I came across it in a post!
Without a doubt Wolf :) Christian is a favorite of many on this site. I first heard about this story in 2007, I loved it so much I bought the book and video ♥
"In time, we will be able to feel the spray on our face without a fear of drowning, even to savor the taste of the salt on our lips because, in addition to the poignancy of loss comes the rush of love for the one we have lost and perhaps a sense that in the mystery of the universe, we still inhabit that universe together and are tied together in a love that cannot come untied."
"What is essential does not die but clarifies," wrote Thornton Wilder. And again, "The greatest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude." Eventually, we will find our way through this particular "valley of the shadow," and while there may always be a tinge of sadness, there will come a sense of our own inner strength and our ability to rejoice in the life we have shared, and to look toward a future in which the loved one, though not physically present, continues to bless us."
With DH's unrealized but cruel withdrawal from my life, our marriage and choosing to live without me, I really needed to read your last thread. Maybe somewhere in the future we will be a couple again. I sure do hope that this will make me stronger. I will never forget the good life we did have. This disease has snatched both him and our life together away from me and I know there is no getting it back.i just have move on and care for him as I can.
Jazzy, your situation is so different from mine, but the heartache is similar. I hope you will be blessed with the return of love and kindness once he is placed. My heart goes out to you ((hugs))
Nikki - thanks for the quote by Thornton Wilder. It has been almost 10 mos. and I still struggle each day and I'm looking for the time when I will just remember the good life we were allowed to have. 57 really blessed years - who could complain - and the three really bad years I'm told will fade from my memory. My thoughts to all who are still on their journey.
Jazzy- I have been reading your comments on different threads for some time now and I wonder if your husband is still congnizanta enough to think that by doing this he is sparing you from what he is about to go through. Just a thought that's whirling around in my thoughts. It's a very cruel thing to do but in an alzheimer's afflicted person perhaps this is the reasoning. I hope that you can somehow get through this . It may be comparable to some animals going off to die in hiding. I wish you well and hope that this doesn't make you feel worse. (((hugs))).
You may be right, but he has no feeling as the disease has taken all of that way. He has told everyone that he just can't have me be his " boss" . He can't think of me as his care partner as he needs to be in charge of everything. His military training has come back into the picture. He has not been happy with me taking care of him from day one and has fought me on everything. He still tells me that everything is " old age related" I think he is in denial and that is fine. He spends as little time as possible with me now, but brightens up as soon as he is in public or visitors come, but shuts me out. Sometimes he is nice to me but I'm not sure what is up then. Today he was quiet all day and distant. When I asked him what was wrong he just said" I'm bored" I've given up trying to entertain him or anything else and I just make sure he is safe and fed. I just don't know what to do other then leave him do what ever makes him happy. He is very impatient and wants to go to LTC right away. I never expected this as we always told each other that we would look after the other for as long as we could.
Beautiful Nikki, Those words which you just gave to us...were the MOST beautiful I have read. Thank you, wonderful girl. Lots of love to you and all, Leigh
I am glad it brought you some comfort Leigh and flo39*
I found this one while in my deepest grief over losing my Dad, I hope it brings you the peace it did me ((hugs))
Death is Nothing at All
Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away to the next room. I am I and you are you. Whatever we were to each other, That, we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name. Speak to me in the easy way which you always used. Put no difference into your tone. Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without effect. Without the trace of a shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same that it ever was. There is absolute unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you. For an interval. Somewhere. Very near. Just around the corner.
“I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge - myth is more potent than history - dreams are more powerful than facts - hope always triumphs over experience - laughter is the cure for grief - love is stronger than death”