I wondered if any of you have registered your spouse with your local police department. I did so last week for my DH's own protection. Not for wandering, but to protect him from allegations of being a possible child molester.
My DH takes frequent walks throughout the day. He follows the same route for the most part, but now that the weather is better he occasionally walks over to a park close to our home and likes to watch the children at the playground. Evidently our park district has been receiving calls that he is a person of a "suspicious nature". I found this out through my stepson, who is a bartender at a local bar in our town. One of the park district policemen, who is a neighbor, mentioned these incidents to my stepson at the bar. The neighbor didn't know my DH had dementia. I then registered DH with the police department and spoke with a very kind community relations officer. She was very understanding and mentioned that the department is becoming more involved with doing "mental health on the street". She said due to budget cuts for mental health services there are more individuals with various mental health issues living in the community and of course, dementia is also one of the issues.
Yesterday in the late afternoon, a police officer came to our home and checked if my DH had just been out for a walk. This time he was a block or two away from our home, not at the park, and just stopped and looked at a couple of kids playing in their yard and the mother freaked out. Again the police officer was very kind.
Of course, this makes me very sad. DH loves kids and enjoys just watching them play. He always comments that it's "good to see the little ones having fun." I have also noticed that DH is talking more to others in our neighborhood, just chatting and being friendly. I think the social filter is disintegrating more.
He probably needs more activities and structure, but I can't afford more day care. He attends one day per week @ $115 per day. And of course, we have too much money for any type of assistance, but not enough to meet all of our financial obligations.
oh dear Elaine. so sorry to hear this new development. we talk about filters off and how they can get themselves in a mess so quickly. and anything to do with kids is off limits because we know the legal consequences. its a shame but yes you will probably have to go with him now or have someone else walk with him to keep him out of trouble. even if hes mild tempered and smiley, that wont mean much if he approaches a child while alone on the streets. supervision is needed at all times in these cases. I hope you find some solutions. divvi
What a great idea! It is excellent that your local law enforcement agency has a process for this. I am in Los Angeles county and I dont think there is any mechanism for doing this type of thing in this big town.
I registered my husband with the police, the fire department, and the paramedics. After a few years, I thought I'd check and see that they had our current information on file—and they didn't. They had no record of him at all. So now at least once a year I call and make sure they have everything on file and up to date.
Very good idea that you registered your dh with the police, fire dept., etc. Keep checking that they have the info filed.
I well understand the costs involved with all this. Is there a high school boy in the area who could go on walks with your dh? Perhaps he wouldn't charge much and he could keep your dh occupied talking or whatever like tossing a ball in the park.
So sorry you have this additional worry. The suggestions made are good ones. I hope that he can continue to enjoy watching small children, but under supervision. I know what pleasure it must be for him to see them play.
Isn't it tragic the state of this world that we can't enjoy the simple wonderment of watching children at play without someone thinking we are a pervert. Sad and discouraging indeed Elaine :(
Yes, I have registered my husband with the local police department and the sheriff's department. Because he is participating in the Project Lifesaver program thru their department, there is a current picture, bio, etc with the 911 center and they have also given the same info to local police.
Unfortunately Elaine, I've been told that if hb touches anyone and they complain, they will have to arrest him even though he has dementia. The suggestion to have a high school kid walk with him is a good idea.
Elaine, you might check with the guidance counselor at the High School or Youth Group Leader at a nearby church. they may be able to give you some names of kids who would be a companion to your husband for a walk to the park, playing catch or basketball. My husband would have loved that, but he was stuck with me!
Yes, I have talked with the local police in my community. They are aware in the event I should call he has Alzheimers/FTD and that if there is any "domestic violence" etc. they are alerted it's a medical condition and hopefully he will go to the hospital rather than jail. This was all entered into their computer so I feel pretty comfortable that this will be case.
We are all in a pickle. We register them with the local law but what about the irate parents that think that he is watching their children. We cannot register them against the physical and verbal abuse that they can suffer at the hands of people who just do not know. I am so afraid that some one will end up shooting or tackling my DH if he wanders off. I know of some AD folks locally who have been arrested and booked for shoplifting b/c they picked up candy or gum and put in their pockets. Sheese, such a cruel world to live in with such a cruel disease.
Thanks to all for your input. My DH has always been a rather solitary soul, so going for these walks alone is not entirely out of character for him. During his working days he did a lot of walking to the local train station to commute and then from the train to his office. He also preferred to walk to client meetings as opposed to taking cabs or public transportation.
I've noticed that DH isn't just talking to kids -- he talks to anyone he sees -- people walking dogs, nursing personnel walking out of the nursing home around the corner from our home, etc. Ironically when he goes to daycare once a week, he doesn't converse with people there. I think he senses that they're probably worse off than he is so he doesn't bother. (I think he's currently one of the youngest ones there.)
As far as the suggestion to get someone to accompany him on walks, I doubt that would work. Also, DH is not a sports enthusiast at all, never played any American sports, very disdainful of them since he grew up in Europe playing soccer (but just as a kid). I tried to walk with him yesterday, but that didn't work either. He's a fast walker, refuses to adjust his speed for me (never did even when I was pregnant), plus I'm 100 lbs overweight and have major issues with my feet.
So for now, he will continue to walk until somebody really complains. Maybe someone will take him away from me for a while -- I've had no respite since his diagnosis three years ago. Kids are all too busy living their own lives and feel since I married him, it's my responsibility.
Oh Elaine, how horrible that you have not had any respite for 3 years, except for the one day a week that your husband is at day care! And lets hope that the respite does not come as a result of him being arrested for looking at or talking to a child! What a sad state we all live in! Hugs to you!
Just had to post an update on my situation with DH. I had continued to allow him to walk unaccompanied in our neighborhood, but sadly that can no longer be the case. Early yesterday evening a policeman stopped by to verify that my DH had just been out. Evidently DH walked into a home around the corner from our house, totally uninvited. He saw a child inside and commented on how pretty she was. I found out he has been at that house before, walking up their driveway to see the kids playing. Sadly too, the kids run inside when they see him coming.
So from now on he will no longer walk without me or someone else in our family. I talked to the nurse at his day program and she feels he is on the brink of needing the next level of care. He is still totally independent with his ADL's and I had never thought I would place him unless I couldn't care for his physical needs. But now I have to think about his protection and the protection of those in our neighborhood. I'll be taking him to his neuro next week to talk about meds that might help to curb some of this behavior. I'll have to rework the budget to see if I can add another day or two of daycare. Thankfully he's still compliant in that setting.
I don't think I'm quite ready to deal with this but somehow I will have to. It doesn't get any easier.
Elaine, how heartbreaking. I have this gut feeling that he means no harm, but I can certainly understand the concern. If it were my kids, I would freak out at a strange man coming into our house. Such a tragically sad situation. So much added weight to your already weary shoulders. I am so sorry ((Elaine))
It is a great plan you have in place that he no longer walk without family. I have to ask, have you already figured out how to keep him from wandering?
If he is walking into people's homes this is a major problem. The husband of a person I know has done this more than once, no one knows why and he can barely speak. The wife next door says it is a good thing her husband wasn't home because that husband believes shoot first, ask questions later. Hey, if you are going to have a gun for self protection, can't you at least lock the frigging door.
Turns out physical needs are only one reason to place a spouse in LTC.
Hopefully someone will have an idea for some meds to try. Your plans should get you through until you have to decide on a more permanent solution. If meds work they only have to get him through this phase.
so sorry it comes to this Elaine. but at least you get a chance to rectify and oversee this issue before something worse happens. I have to agree with paulc if he walked into a home where an adult male was it could have been a disaster. some of us have had to deadboltwith keyed entries our doors -to keep him inside unless you chose to let him walk. unfortunately this disease makes prisioners of us and them sometimes in consideration of the safety factors.
Elaine, I too am sorry you're experiencing this and know from personal experience how stressful and potentially dangerous it is. My hb has bvFTD and is on a lot of meds to control behavior (including wandering). BUT just the other night while his 24/7 aide and I had fallen asleep for no more than a 1/2 hr (due to exhaustion that dh is up all night) he escaped through the door to the dog run, which wasn't double locked or alarmed since it was about 9 pm. Fortunately a neighbor who knows his situation called us to come get him but not before that neighbor and another called the police. Luckily we got there before the police and brought him home. We were lucky because he was pounding on the neighbors doors after dark and god forbid someone would have shot him thinking the house was under attack.
Now I am VERY careful about him wandering - every door and window has a double lock and/or alarm on it, I have 2 motion sensors (mostly upstairs) to alert us when he leaves his bed and comes down stairs, I have locks and wood in the tracks of the sliding doors. We live in a jail, yet in a moment he got out. He has safe return tags on him and he is enrolled in the sheriff's dept project lifesaver program which can track them with gps.
I mentioned it to his geri-psych during his recent visit that he got away but was found relatively quickly. She told me that elopement is very serious (duh) and if I couldn't keep him safely at home she would need to report that he was in danger and have him put into a facility. I told her all that I have done to keep him safe which is much, much more than most people do. I also told her that when he was in a facility he "eloped" from the facility and no one knew it and given that he's safer home with me. Be very careful---someone may make the decision for you to put him in a facility if they think you can't keep him safe.
Thanks for all your kind words and support. Right now I'm really tired since I'm going on about 4 hours of sleep -- woke up during the night and began to think about this situation and couldn't fall back asleep. DH was at day program for 6 hours today, we've been home for about 1-1/2 hours and I've gone on two walks with him so far and I let him walk alone the third time. I was just too tired to do the last one with him. I hate to say this but if the police pick him up, so be it. He's been difficult to deal with since 2005 and I think I've reached my limit. I think I'd be a better care manager than caregiver. He does more walking from 3:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. than any other time of the day, so I think it might be sundowning.
Maybe I've just been fooling myself for the last three years thinking he wasn't so bad, just so I could try to cope. I really want to lay down and take a nap, but that will be his signal to take a walk. Maybe I do have to lock him inside although I'm afraid he could become very angry if I try that. The last time he was hospitalized 2-1/2 years ago after he passed out, I left the hospital to come home and he tried to leave and went ballistic when told he had to stay. They had to use restraints on him. To say he is uncooperative is an understatement.
Sorry I'm rambling -- I'm just really tired. Only three more hours of this and then he'll settle down (I hope).