an experience last month that had an impact on me, still very much in the forefront of my mind. It's a testament to the loss we spouses incur as our LO's gradually slip away.
DH used to be THE GARDEN EXPERT of the neighborhood at our old home. We had the prettiest yard. When neighbors walked by they'd stop to tell us how nice it was. We moved to a rural area on a couple acres that was "wild." Our first excitement was when the snow melted, the rains decreased, and we could run out to "tame" the property. That first spring/summer here we turned this entire acreage into a park-like setting. Neighbors who adjoin our lot all remarked about how our doing these improvements was such a joy to them, and many actually had improved river views from their homes. This is our eighth spring/summer season, and the last 3-4 DH has gone from doing "some" to doing "very little," to doing "NONE" of the outdoor work now. It is truly sad as he used to get so much joy from it. And it was something we could do together. Gradually, he'd tire too quickly, then he had issues with his equipment (putting wrong fuel in the yard machines, losing ability to work them, to now just being completely flustered that he won't even try anymore.). Due to fire dangers and living rural we have a tremendous responsibility to keep the brush cleared, particularly around the house itself. Also, people shoot lots of fireworks, so most open fields are cut low right before the 4th of July. Ours wasn't done and I was getting worried.
{{A neighbor just learned Paul has AD and asked her husband to bring his tractor to mow our lower 1.5 acres. I mentioned that due to Paul's illness I was doing the yard myself, a little at a time. We have a brush mower (walk along style with a 30 inch deck). The rest of our lot is bank and has to be done with a weed whacker. Very time consuming. The neighbors big tractor pulls a mower attachment about 6 ft wide. Had our lower field done in no time. I am eternally grateful for their act of genuine kindness.}}
Anyway, about a week prior to the neighbor's kindness I had been outside using the brush mower. DH would come out often to ask me if it was time to eat. I'd have to stop and get him something to eat because he said he didn't feel well. Then he'd come out again to tell me he was bored and wondered if there was a ball game on. I'd stop, go in and find a game on, or put them on a timer. Then DH would come out to tell me he was bored with the games and needs me to put on a movie for him. He's lost ability to use the remote, and to work the DVD player too. Next thing I know he is out there again telling me how lonely he is and wants me to come in. He said this several times, and in frustration I said I'd finish one little section near the shed and come in. I began to rush because of frustration and forgot a cardinal rule. Reverse gear is only to be used briefly to back the mower out of a decline, or out of a divet. Also, one should never walk backward with the mower. All safety rules. Well, sometimes that dang thing is so hard to move and steer that I thought I'd save time and my strength on a small bank by letting the mower roll back between passes. Well, I found myself with the mower in a divet and put it in reverse to get it out. In my rush I forgot it was in reverse and I continue letting it roll back. Normally, I would keep it in a forward gear so if it got going too fast I could hit the gas and it would stop rolling and resume going forward. I bumped into something while walking backward and was stunned as my arm stopped and the mower kept going. So I hit the gas....forgetting it is in reverse. The result? I further bent and crushed my forearm between the mower and the post I had backed into. I maintained composure in that I was going to try to figure my way out. I needed to get the gear from reverse into 1st gear. The shift lever was embedded in my forearm. This mower is hundreds of pounds, and I couldn't push it forward to get the lever free. Finally, somehow I wiggled my arm in such a way to get to the lever. I hit the gas and got my arm free. I saw DH on the patio and called for him. He came over and I tried to explain what happened. He couldn't grasp there was a problem. He just saw that the mower needed to be put away. I react to pain with faintness and nausea, and as I looked down to see my crushed skin and mild bleeding I just had to sit down and gag for a few minutes. I eventually made it to my feet and began walking to the house. I was perhaps a bit in shock, but just wanted to start bawling. Not from physical pain, but from the emotional pain. I'd lost the empathy, care, and concern of my husband. He could NOT realize the magnitude of the situation. And it confirmed for me that from here on out, it just ME, MYSELF AGAINST THE WORLD. My arm is OK, my feelings aren't.
Andrea and I loved to travel. We had plans for travels all over the world and we retired early to travel. We went back to my homeland in Germany a few years ago, before the Dx but after I had nagging fears about something being wrong.
Every night in Germany, she cried and wanted to go home. I was sick with worry, it was so out of character. I was frustrated, this wasn't how I was picturing our travels. I was mad, why couldn't she just STOP IT?
I realized then, as New Realm did with the mower, that our traveling life was over. That was a huge chunk out of my plans for our future. NO travel? I couldn't even begin to get my head around it.
New Realm - I can relate to your beautiful yard and all the work - and then AD which means no help and no sympathy. It is scary how easily you could have seriously injured yourself. I admire you for still trying to keep all of that up and try to meet the needs of your DH. My last yard was right above the Columbia River. It was full of flowers and color for all seasons, with 188 different species in just a normal city lot. I was in the Garden Tour one year, but soon after I asked my DH to pick some cherry tomatoes and he had picked all the high bush cranberries (they were for the birds!). That seemed like the last straw for me - we sold our place soon after. I didn't think I had the energy for doing the yard alone and also try to care for my husband. There are times I still miss that yard and even miss those zucchini that can become boats overnight!
Oh Frand-how can anybody miss zucchini. When I lived in New England I had to be careful stepping out the front door because some dear soul would always put a basket of the stuff on the sill. We got quite creative finding ways to retaliate.
Dear New Realm--I'm so sorry. Did you need medical treatment for your arm? I felt kind of queazy just reading it. We have a rather large lot with a large back yard. I have 27 rose bushes and 8-10 foot gardens on three sides. I've been trying my best all spring/summer to get it all cleaned up. Today I was deadheading the roses and cleaning up the rose beds. DH came outside and just looked sad. I asked him if there was anything wrong. (I never seem to learn.) Of course, he wanted to know why I asked and I admit, I did engage in that conversation. Before I knew it he was accusing me of trying to limit his driving. He said he could drive better than I do (I have macular degeneration and haven't driven the car since February). He said he was over 82 years old and had a lot of memories to go through and sometimes couldn't remember everything. On and on and on he went. What brought that on, I don't know. He does need to stop driving. He's a terrible driver.
Of course, I had to add fuel to the fire and told him about a 70 year old man in Texas that was responsible for a 10 car pileup and people died. He just walked away.
Our traveling is over, our togetherness is over, our conversation is over. I need an outlet. Any suggestions?
trisinger, where in Germany are you from? I lived in Berlin for 6 years. Bamberg for 1.
New Realm, I can relate. I saw my husband through cancer, went to all of his appointments with him. Then later (probably he already had the dementia, I just wasn't aware) I developed a severe staff infection, my arm was oozing & dripping liquid. I asked him to drive me to the hospital, but he was "too busy" with his stock trading. What? It's only in looking back do I attribute these things to his mind. At the time I thought how cold hearted. But in retrospect, he just didn't get it. The man I married would have dropped everything.
Last year I bought a few perennials for our mulch. We are allowed to plant in the mulch without permission. Anything else requires a signed permission slip and I haven't bothered. As soon as the plants stopped flowering, my husband pulled them up. This year, except for the bulbs my daughter planted in November, I don't have flowers. I can't get down to the ground, so I can't plant myself. And if he is going to pull everything up (he did get a few of the bulbs this year, but not all of them) why bother.
I was always the gardener. Didn't do all that much, but always had some annuals and a few perennials every place we lived until I couldn't do the planting anymore. I miss the pretty flowers.
Oh, and as for medical emergencies: I've had the paramedics for me three times. I had to call them all three times. One of the reasons I think there was at least some dementia even before my husband's EVENT is that he didn't understand that I needed him home right now and needed the paramedics right now two weeks after that event. He wouldn't pick up that phone and dial 911. I had to have him give me the phone because I couldn't get up and get it.
New Realm Your story brings a tear to my eyes. You described so well your sense of loss. It is the letting go of dreams and illusions. Even after my husbands diagnosis I held on the belief that some how our love, concern for each other would transcend this illness.Oh yes , I thought he would lose memories, but surely our love for each other would last....After all , we have made it through very tough times..
But I have watched as he has slipped more and more into his own world. I may not have experienced what you have, but again I am thankful for what is shared.
Starling, I can't imagine having my own medical emergencies and having to deal with my husbands as well.
I think this site has helped me more than anything else to really understand that I must take care of myself.. that I must think about myself , and I must plan for myself.
I just finished a week's graduate course. It was intense and wonderful and helped me to put my mind somewhere else for a while, rather than dealing with the devastation of AD around the clock. It was a relief.
Now I am sitting reading some of my brother's and sister's experiences in living with their wife or husband. It is something we share and bemoan any others who will join this unintended family by experiencing the same losses.
We have lived through almost 8 years of my husband's AD, though as I have said before, we only have had a correct diagnosis for less than 2. The diagnosis was a turning point because I could then distance myself from the things that were going wrong. I stopped trying to "fix it," and step back to decide what I needed to do to make our lives livable and sane.
I have a difficult time looking at the photographs of our travels. Travel was a passion we both shared. We loved the exposure to different languages, cultures and foods. It refreshed us and renewed our outlook on the world and life in general. I will look at the photos sometime, but not now. It will be the same as going to Philadelphia without him for the first time. I walked the streets and galleries that we had last walked together. I couldn't bring him with me in spirit as I do my grandmother, because she is gone from this physical world, he is not. He is physically trapped in a body that has turned on him, on us.
I am running the show on my own. I live with a person that is a shadow of himself. God, I miss who we were. And I have to find ways, as you do, to live each day. Some times it is a minute at a time, sometimes hours, and if the Universe allows, a few days at a time. Treasure what you have, knowing that you must let go of it. I treasure the man I am married to and any moment of the day that we can connect as ourselves is a gift. Sometimes it is just the touch of our hands when a passionate embrace is longed for, but today, it will do. It might not happen again for us.
As with Trisinger and metamorphosis, DW and I loved to travel. Over the years we have been to every continent, including Antarctica. Our last trip, to northern Italy, was just 2 years ago. It's hard to believe that she has changed so much in only 2 years. We have planned a bus trip to Quebec for Sept., but I am wondering if she will be able to do it.
Regarding the gardening, I have never been a gardener, but DW always had a large vegetable garden (including plenty of zucchini!!!!). The last time she did one was 2 summers ago, and then she mixed up the planting, putting different seeds in the same row. Last summer I took down the deer fencing and let the garden grow up in weeds, etc. She doesn't even mention it now.
DW and I still have embraces. Often when we are in the elevator she will give me a kiss. But I sure miss the companionship, conversations, etc. We are heading over to our "camp" where daughter #1 will take me for a sail while daughter #2 watches DW. We gave up our sail boat last year since DW and I could no longer handle it. She couldn't do her part of the work.
My husband's vegs. garden is also grown over w/weeds. It has been that way for about 3 years now. Our yard was never a showcase, but now I have to wait for my son in law to mow. I can't afford hired help so the weeding doesn't get done. Because the outside was always his domain, I have no desire to do it myself. I am trying to remain positive, but have really been down lately.
Mya-I hate weeding. Somehow when I am really upset I find weeding helps. It is mindless work but as the pile grows so does my feeling of accomplishment.
Well i never had a green thumb or did any gardening. i tried to grow a simple indoor plant, basil..it died 3times. i have been told give it up if you cant grow basil!:) i have managed to keep the flowering pots my SIL did for me in may blooming just by watering and some fertilizer. since we no longer travel i have time to water. sniff, sniff.-would rather be traveling- i have a lawnperson who comes once yr to mulch and weed the beds. instead of weeding and gardening i feed the wildlife off my balcony and clean 5500 sq ft of house..UGH!!!!!!! by the time i finish mopping 4floors its time to do it again. i used to love this house, now its just a white elephant. we never use more than the top floor and thats too much. i cant even consider keeping up with all the windows. thats a whole nuther subject. divvi
bluedaze, I'll trade you ... the lemons everyone pawns off here for the zucchini there. I mean, how many things can you do with a huge sack full of lemons?
divvi, I have a trial by fire for new plants. If they can survive with the occasional watering, they can stay. Otherwise, out, and I don't even bother with a funeral.
Sunshyne - I lived in Bonita on an old lemon orchard. I actually never tired of them - and hate to pay a dollar for one now. But, I'm the one who didn't mind the zucchini boats - so guess there is something wrong with me... By the way, do you know where Deerhorn Valley is? (Jamul zip code). We built an adobe home out therein the 70's - one of the ones that survived the Harris Fire.
Your arm, which I hope is okay, will heal. But the emotional pain is worse, and so much harder to heal. I could feel that very deeply in your writing. I am so sorry. My husband still feels empathy for me when he is not in the grip of one of his irrational rants or rages. During those times, there is no one else in the world but him, and there is no understanding of anyone else's feelings. It is frightening and and painful to watch. It does hurt so much.
I feel your pain. It's always such a shock when one more thing is taken away. It's like they can't see anything but themselves and even that picture is blurry and distorted. I am so sorry you had to go thru that. So much is asked of us. I admire your strength.
That is SO cool. I miss the outdoor cafes, having coffee & cake in the afternoon. You could always find someone to meet for coffee. I lived on Harzerstasse, near the wall. Not a great neighborhood, but I've never had a pizza so good as the ones in my neighborhood. My son now travels to Berlin (among other places) on business, and he still goes to the old neighborhood for pizza. He went to the John F. Kennedy School. Took half his classes in German, half in English. The kids used to speak "Germish" & I don't think they even realized that half their sentences were in English, the other half in German.
I loved KaDeWe, think it is the largest department store in Europe, better than Harrods! Berlin has more bridges than any other European city, and BEACHES. (Nude, I might add, but not for me.) I loved the peacock island. Just go out & walk among the peacocks.
The Turkish bakeries, oh, so many memories. Ich habe mein Deutch forgessen!
Being a naive American, when I first got there (I always used public transportation & knew the city like the back of my hand) I couldn't understand why I was always the last one to get on the bus. No que. So I became a real Berliner & learned how to push & shove my way into the middle like the rest of them.
Oh, I might add, sometimes I would fly to London just to be able to speak English. Now I'm with someone who speaks English, & he doesn't understand what I am saying a lot of the times. The irony, that's my loss.
My arm is fine. Has a permanent divit and discoloration in the tissue, but is otherwise just fine.
Today I'm particularly stressed, and feeling blue because though we realize our losses every day, some just come through at certain times as more poignant than others.
I have a first and only granddaughter who will be arriving here with her parents (my son and dil). They are military, and are being transfered from east coast to west. Since Natalie was born on the east coast I've only seen her for two visits. When she was born, and last summer when she turned one year old. She will be arriving later this week, and her second birthday is August 5. My DH and son are not close (never were), and DH forgets all the time that there is a grandchild.
I want to be able to clean, and prepare the basement living quarters for them. I want to be able to go to the store to buy a replacement bed for the bedroom down there. I want to be able to plan happy times, especially for my granddaughters second birthday party. But I can't. I'm sparring with DH over the fact that he doesn't have to go see his mother, he doesn't have to go home............And dang it. He doesn't have to shadow me all the time. That's why I live my life on the couch..... just sitting and stewing.
DH has been so confused, so difficult, and so restraining of me these past few days that I am nearly to tears right now and full of anger and hate for this life of AD. I'm a grandma and don't even get to enjoy it ----- at all.
New Realm, is it possible for you to get someone to sit with him while you get these things done? or hire someone? i know what you mean about grandchildren and not getting quality time with them due to caregiving. you shouldnt be denied that joy regardless - and plan a great 2nd bday party...maybe a friend or neighbor could take your DH out during the party time...i hope you can make some arrangments to it can happen. divvi
New Realm-my heart breaks because my husband has no inkling that he has the most beautiful, brilliant grand daughter in the whole world. I am heartbroken that she lives too far away for me to make the trip.
New Realm, We are not into shadowing (yet), but we do have our first grandchild on the way in Nov. and already I can see the AD restricting my trips, both now and in the future. My DS and DIL are moving cross country and other times, I went along to help. Now, DH would be in the way if he went along, and I wouldn’t leave him here.
Can you get a little time to order a bed over the phone? Do some online shopping? I know it’s not the same.
Maybe we need a topic about our kids and grandchildren
After my second trip to see Natalie for one week last year (her first birthday) it became clear that it would be the last time I could do that trip. Both my teens were home with DH, keeping things as normal as possible for him. He called me continuously. And when I arrived home there was behavior and personality changes in just that short time (one week). It did nothing but get worse and worse until finally, over the holidays we started him on Risperdal. The same anxiety level, and agitation is happening again, but thank God the delusions haven't restarted---yet---knock on wood.
Doc just had me take him in for blood work and to check for a UTI on Friday. We've temporarily (pending lab results) increased his risperdal. But so far this weekend things haven't improved. His neuro told me that when he gets so dang clingy and I just have to get a break to give him an extra half risperdal and/or just go. If he's mad, too bad. He'll forget why he was mad and just be glad to have me back home.
Well, as daughter points out, I don't even take his docs advice because I'm always worrying about the "what ifs." What if he really freaks? What if he goes bothering and upsets others? What if he wanders? What if....? What if....?
Sigh................. I'm a little less upset than I was at last posting, but as we all know.........that is subject to change.
I'm trying to imagine ways to have DH safe, and supervised so that I can have somewhat of a normal life with chances to spend quality time with my family. Granddaughter will be with us a couple weeks, then they'll be finding housing near base. They'll be a 3 hour drive instead of 3000+ miles away, and I dream of just making that drive alone or with one of my kids, to have fun time with Natalie, and DH at home safe and cared for.
New Realm, I am so sorry for what you went through! I am glad your arm wasn't more seriously injured! My husband has also lost his compassion, understanding, and every other emotion other than confusion and occasionally he gets mad and occasionally he might smile, but mainly he just seems to think only of what he wants to do - watch DVDs, eat, his rounds in the house to see if we've moved anything, so he can put it back where he wants it. If I hurt myself, he wouldn't understand either. This disease is so awful!
Can you get your husband out for a full day somewhere and have a cleaning service come in and help you and another day for you to shop and get the bed and anything else you want? I hope you are able to enjoy the visit to the fullest! My husband doesn't understand the "great-grandchildren relationship" any more, but he just naturally loves kids, and if they asked him yes or no questions, he answered. Otherwise, he would smile, I would answer and he would nod. But he can't really enjoy visiting with them, but I can and did!! :)
Your neuro gave you sound advice. Hopefully more meds will help you!
Diana, I hope you can find help to care for your husband so you can have some fun times with your granddaughter! I am just starting the process, the nurse comes out to evaluate him Tuesday. I haven't had one break in four years except for 3 days I was in the hospital with the TIA stroke. Time for that to change. I am very nervous! But I am going to at least give it a try. I hope you can do the same, take some breaks, enjoy your family.
Lynn has lost SOOOO much, but the one thing he HAS held onto is his empathy. No matter what he is doing, or how irrational he is, If my head pain becomes so bad I start to cry or vomit.. he is RIGHT there. Full of love and compassion. Too bad it takes THAT to bring it out though LOL
I listened to Joan's radio interview and I found myself nodding in agreement to the whole thing. I had heard of AD of course, but I had NO IDEA what hell it was. After he was diagnosed I thought OK, I better start the driving and I will make photo albums of our life together in the hope he would forget slower……….. I had NO frigging idea that AD was NOT simply memory loss. I didn't know it would effect every aspect of his being….his thinking, his emotions, his reactions, his personality.. I NEVER DREAMED he would change as dramatically as he has. Since the Seroquel more of his pleasant personality is shining through, I am very grateful to have at least that "back"
Today while cleaning out some old drawers I found some old cards from Lynn. I read just one before I found myself in a weeping crumpled pile on the floor, crying for what once was, for what will never be again.
I had no idea that I would have to watch him closer than a two year old! It is worse than when our children were two because he can't be picked up and put in a corner, or spanked, or told "no" and tap his hand, nor put him to bed when I have had all I can take! All I can do is put in a DVD he likes and hope he is willing to watch while I go into another room and get myself back together, or get on this website and find out that several of you had it worse than me and I am grateful that I didn't have YOUR day, at the same time I feel so sorry that you had such a rough day or that your situation is so much worse than mine!
I wish we could all get together face-to-face for a group hug!
Last Saturday DH asked me to get us a ride to church on Sunday morning. So, I did that. A few minutes after all of that, he said he didn't need anyone to drive him anyplace. He was perfectly capable of driving himself and I shouldn't interfere with him. I called the people back and said he'd rather drive himself, apologized (felt like a nut) and he drove us Sunday.
Wednesday, got a call reminding us of our card game on Thursday and did we need a ride. I said "No. DH likes to drive himself so we'll do that for now. Thank you." I told DH we were to play cards on Thursday. He said he'd go if someone picked us up and took us. I felt like a nut but called her back and she said she'd pick us up at 9:40.
I got so agravated with him I told him to make his own arrangements for a ride from ow on. He said he'd never asked for my help before and didn't plan on doing it now. Arghh!
Can't keep up with all of the decision he keeps changing his mind. Am I suppose to go along with these changes and let him keep as much of himself as possible or do I just make the decision and keep it to myself and tell him that 'so and so is picking us up."
You just make the decision and keep it to yourself and tell him that "so and so is picking you up". Preferable no more than half an hour before you are ready to go.
And yes, it is a crazy maker. Hang in there. I really think that trying to figure out this particular part of the disease, and stay sane while you are doing it is the hardest part of the whole thing. I mean think about it. Once they can't talk and can't walk it is obvious you ought to be making all the decisions. But how do you decide to make all the decisions when sometimes they can and sometimes they can't.
My husband is almost at the point where he can't decide between a piece of cake and an ice cream square. But not quite. Crazy making!
I have found that not telling DW what we are doing seems to work. If I tell her in advance, she forgets, unless she is stewing over it. I just tell her we have to leave in 10 minutes and send her to the bathroom. Then we get in the car and drive off. She usually does not ask where we are going. Sometimes she does and I tell her. No problems. But then women seem to be easier to deal with in this horrible disease. Last night at dinner she couldn't make up her mind what she wanted, so I just ordered for her. She seemed satisfied.
Marsh, I discovered the same thing (both going somewhere and ordering meals). I also don't tell him until it is time for him to bath and dress to leave, otherwise, he'll bathe and dress first thing in the morning and think it is time to go then! and an hour later! and an hour later! and then he'll stand on the carport waiting to get into the car (even though it is several hours until time to go!) - so no more telling him in advance! <grin>
Starling, let him have both the cake AND the ice ream square! <grin>
Mary, boy would my husband like you! When I first met him, he would order dessert first, to make sure he had room for it. I've gotten him used to the idea of eating his veggies first (well, at least part of the time), but it has been a tough road.
Sunshyne, I figure that it is more important now that they eat than WHAT they eat! I give him a Centrum Silver vitamin every morning, so I know he is getting what he needs, and besides, as Bill Cosby pointed out - cake has flour, eggs, milk, etc. and ice cream has milk, so he's getting the good things too! And IF sugar does give kids a high, and our spouses have returned to their childhood, it stands to reason that it will give them more energy! (NOT!) <grin>
I think the whole sweets thing is that they need the extra calories now. And my daughter told me that she noticed that he was eating a lot more sweets than he used to before I even mentioned that it seems to be common.
I give DH his plate plus the dessert all at the same time-at this stage of the game, what holey difference if they get motivated by eating dessert first?:) once hes had a nice sweet hes much easier to get him to eat the rest as well, kind of gets the motor running??? haha...works for me, divvi
Mary, I tried that argument on my dietician. It didn't work. But it sounds reasonable to me. I just fix a nice dinner for him. He eats just about anything I put infront of him. He's not a bit fussy. Thank heaven for that!! Then I bring him his dessert. I don't ask I just fix it.
Thanks, everyone. I'm not going to ask about geting a ride. I'm just going to tell him who's picking us up and have us ready so they don't have to wait. Why didn't I think of that?
It is a good question and it deserves an answer. All of us, but women in particular, are hard wired to ask people what they prefer, especially if it doesn't make any difference to us. So do you want a slice of cake or an ice cream square? Do you want to drive to church, or would you like to join with John and Mary and all of us go together so we can go to lunch afterwards?
It actually takes thought to realize that it is easier to just present whatever you choose as set in stone. Nice adults don't do that. Kind people give other people choices. It goes against everything your mother taught you to do to make other people's choices for them.
I found the no options works best for us. no confusing questions 'either -or" i just make it or buy it he eats it all without fuss. i know what he ate prior to AD and what his likes were, but hallelujah, now he eats everything i give him. even yogurt! he needs it for his stomach and all his meds and does much better now since he has it alot. he would have barffed if i even offered it prior AD-i have always been the bossy type-or so my friends tell me::))so it was easy for me to step into the role as caregiver. my DH is a good 'follower' so life is easy so far. divvi
divvi, it is very hard, but it works best for us too.
The local group that has taken us on as a project are going to come up with fishing and and guys who lunch and who knows what other outings for him so I can have some respite. And I'm going to present that as something that so and so is coming to pick him up for so he can do it.
And that is going to be very hard, but I've got that carrot in front of me. An hour or 2 or 3 of total relief. WOW.
how wonderful Starling, you will see how good it will do you to have him taken care of for a few hrs! and i am sure you will have some new friends and personal relationships sprout from it all. good job, the new mantra is I CAN DO THIS- i know its not always so easy-remember it makes people feel good by helping out another in need, my best in your new project! divvi//keep us posted.
Another aspect of "Personal Loss". This afternoon we were watching the Olympics. I commented to DW about the Roumania beating the Americans in the floor exercise of gymnastics. She said she had no idea what I was talking about. The same thing happened last night after watching the "interviews" with McCain and Obama - she could not discuss anything about it. Fortunately there are people around who know my situation and will join in discussions, but I miss the discussions DW and I used to have on all sorts of topics.