This sounds really bad, but does anyone else ever feel repulsed by their loved one with AD? When he doesn't take care of his hygiene like he should, when he doesn't shave, when he won't get a haircut, I can hardly stand to be near him. When he looks at me with that dull expression (mouth hanging open, screwing up his face), God help me, I could just slap him! Don't worry, I haven't, but I'm tempted! He also has developed bad breath - he brushes his teeth (at night only) & he had his teeth cleaned in January, so I'm trying to keep up with that, but sometimes, I have to turn my face away. Maybe it's just me. He used to be a very nice looking man - it's difficult to see him looking this way. When he does clean up, he still looks good for a man 78. He has aged well - until now! Just have to know if it's me, or if others feel this way - it's an embarrassing thing to admit.
Mim, before dh was dx'd, he was like your husband....wouldn't shower, wore the same clothes (even filthy) grew a mustash he didn't keep trimmed and most of all refused to get a haircut. He looked like a dirty old man at 57! I was more angry than repulsed because he lost all sense of personal care and hygiene. My husband now has "dog breath" in the am and it is due to the meds he's on. His oral care is good.
I totally understand the repulsion but for different reasons. My hubby has been very verbally and physically aggressive. Though intellectually I understand it is the disease....I am no mans punching bag, you keep your damn hands to yourself! There is no loven feelings left, I do this out of duty and loyalty. And when the time comes he passes or is placed the feeling I will be sorry for someone who is leaving this life in such an undignified way. They call it "emotional divorice" for a reason.
Yep, not brushing teeth and not allowing a timely shower leaves DW stinky at times. Add to that messes of feces and urine and it's become quite a repugnant scene. It adds to all the other indignities of this **** illness. It's quite a change from the past when a hint of a scent of Chanel No.5 in the room let me know she'd been here. Chewing on a crisp apple seems to sweeten her breath somewhat.
I brought up two older topics on hygiene issues. maybe there are some hints. and yes we can get quite repulsed without proper hygiene. its difficult and takes a heap of patience to get them to accommodate cleanliness.
I won't take my DH out in public any more. I take him to the doctors and dentist but that is all. He is totally incontinent and even when I get him showered and clean he still smells of urine within an hour. I change his clothes during the day but its too much of a struggle to get him in the shower more than once a day. And yes, I find it embarrassing to take him out in public.
Tomorrow he has to go to the nurologist and I dread the struggle to get him ready. As Joan said in her blog I have to scrub him in the shower, shave him, comb the hair, dress him and tie the shoes. Then when he's all ready he has a BM in his Depends and we start over.
I do feel repulsion, more because he looks so impaired and the idea that he only showers twice a week than actual smells. I don't feel embarrassed out in public because it isn't to the point where I feel how he looks is somehow my fault. If anything, I want people like doctors to see how hard it is.
Repulsed? never. Embarrassed? yes, many many times. Not by how he looked, but how he behaved. I am sorry you are feeling these strong emotions Mim, perhaps it is time to bring in extra help to get his hygiene under control? ((hugs))
i've read the posts about hygiene issues. I think I'm just happy that he showers once a week, & I make sure his dirty duds find their way to the hamper, but mostly it's just a battle if I even mention his "issues". I'm learning that many things just aren't worth the aggravation, but matters of cleanliness are! I've thought about getting a professional to come in to take care of these things, but there again, is it worth the trouble it would cause, plus there's no money for that at this time. (I'm kind of dragging my heels about investigating sources for help - I know, I know- get to it!) Today I offered to drop him at the barbershop for a haircut, while I run a couple of errands. No way, didn't feel like it! I just simply won't take him out with me till he agrees - he looks like a deranged escapee from an asylum!! This is the place to be honest & truthful, isn't it? :) :)
Yes, I came to feel embarrassed, resentful and repulsed and then felt terrible for having those feelings. The hygiene and rage issues were the most difficult for me so it was that combination of appearance and behavior that was so upsetting. Because of these things going out in public just stopped. More than once I overheard speculation that he was under the influence.
Husband had needed to dress for his work and he enjoyed it. He loved everything "Polo" and just walking by his bathroom smelled good. His work environment was formal and good behavior was a must.
As he lost interest and ability in those areas he wanted to just stay at home more and more. I think he knew for a time and then transitioned to a place where he did not know and/or he felt apathetic to everyone and everything. I think he became afraid of water and did not realize he was looking at himself in a mirror.
This issue of cleanliness is common and one of the most frustrating. They don't care how they look or smell...their reasoning is " well I don't do anything to get dirty". They don't realize how bad dirty hair smells, week old sweaters we fight to get them out of so we can get them cleaned, slacks that have spots on them, how icky their teeth look when they don't brush or how disgusting they look when they don't or won't let their hair be combed or beards be trimmed..I know I can't wait to have the chance to throw open the windows and get fresh air,
Only sneaking the clothes away, at least the outer clothes, is the only way to insure we get clean clothes on them. There is no easy answer.
The only way we were able to get patients clean who had this behaviour is to unfortuantly chemically restrain them. I hated having to do this but we have to think of the whole group and not just one. Of course this was the last resort....we tried a whole bunch of different things before we did that.
Mim, another old thread that might be of help.... http://thealzheimerspouse.com/vanillaforum/comments.php?DiscussionID=1306&page=1
Aside from the aggression, bathing was one of our biggest battle. I do believe that Lynn was very much afraid of the water. The whole shower experience was just too overwhelming for him. What I did was use a bucket of soapy water. He would wash this way without too much argument. I hope you find some hints that will help you ((hugs))
I imagine they get cold too! I know Lynn did. At the nursing home he did at first fight the showering but their bathroom was much better equipped for him than ours at home was. For starters the shower and bathing areas are much warmer to accommodate their lack of clothing. They had a comfy chair for him to sit on. And the big difference I think was they had to detachable shower heads, nothing was spraying down directly, and forcibly on him. They gave one to Lynn so he could use the gentle spray to keep the areas he was cold warm. And they use the other one to wash him, again not a harsh spray.
He gets only one shower a week and really it is enough. This is how he grew up as well, baths on Saturday night to be clean for Sunday service. The difference is his environment is well structured and there is nothing he can get into to cause him to get dirty. He does of course get daily sponge baths.
Mim, Repulsive is the adjective I have used to describe my feelings for my spouse. When I read your initial post I would have thought I had written it. The grooming pardon the pun "stinks". His attitude about not showering, shaving, combing hair, or changing his clothes is "who cares". It grates on me daily in addition to the nasty behavior.
I am embarrassed to be seen with him? Hell yeah!
The lack of cooperation can really grate on me. Wish the pharmaceutical companies could invent a pill to fix ass--oles!
Well, lulliebird, you put it right on the line! :) :) Made me chuckle.. The "I don't do anything to get dirty" is hubbys theme song. I grant you, he really doesn't do anything, I mean NOTHING, but it's still just the idea of being unclean - ugh! He isn't aggressive (so far), but gets nasty & sometimes childish when I "suggest" he needs sprucing up. I appreciate all of your comments - I hope there will be more to come. Thanks also, for any helpful websites, links, etc. - need all I can get.
Min, Mine does NOTHING either....unless you consider:
1. Sitting on the couch all day watching t-v-
2. Going to the refrigeration 3 times a day to scoop out a big bowl of ice cream and cookies and then blames me for his almost 15+ weight gain in 9 months!
3. Bitching about how bored he is each and everyday... and how he has NOTHING to do...(well, for starters how about carrying your frickin' ice cream bowl back from the t-v- room to the kitchen sink. Thank you very much Mr. Charming!
What I am his social director on the cruise ship the "Good Ship Lollypop"????
I can so relate to the word repulse. His appearance is ok but he would wear his clothes for a month including underwear if I did not say it is time for a shower. I am repulsed by the whole ----- disease and everything associated with it. I am embarrassed in public because he asks stupid questions. Last night he asked me for the millionth time what channel jeopardy is on and I started sobbing something I have never done. I must have cried for a good 15 minutes. Of course he had no clue about what was wrong. I think I had just reached my limit. He still goes to the senior center and don't know what I will do when he cannot go anymore. Otherwise he sits on the couch and watches tv. I am putting him in respite for a week in July and taking a vacation.
Co2, Sorry to hear that your having a bad day. Lucky you for a respite week... and a vacation. Sweet.
I am just starting to investigate adult day care. I do hope that I can get some relief however, driving him and picking him up is a good 1 hour round trip in heavy traffic with Mr. Smarty Pants telling me how to drive...when to turn...and how to go. Excuse me, but if I listened to him yesterday I would've run over a pedestrian in the crosswalk!
Just a little aside - yesterday I needed to go to Sears for a new car battery. I said to D. (short for Dan) "how about I drop you at the barbershop, run to the drugstore for my prescription, then pick you up & we can both go to Sears". Well, the saints be praised, his shoes were put on, and he was out the door before I knew it! No accounting for drastic changes in behavior. This morning he had on a clean shirt (thanks to me, of course!) - I was actually able to give him a little hug, told him how nice he looked all shaved, showered, hair cut & clean clothes. He smiled & thanked me. I know he won't remember it, but it was sure a better start to the day. lulliebird, you crack me up! I don't know that's it's meant that way, but your comment make me chuckle many times. A direct lady ;)
This disease can really get on our last nerve, but sometimes at the end of the day I will find myself howling at the escapades we, as caretakers, endure. Yes, it's meant to bring a smile, but sadly it's all true. As Reader's Digest "Laughter is the Best Medicine" says...so very true.
Mim Yes I do get embarrassed and it really does repulse me that is so nasty and smelly and his attitude is so wrong. But then I stop and think, "that COULD be me. There but by the grace of God go I" and I might one day have this disease and I might be the smelly nasty one. At that time I take a deep breath and just do what I have to do. This is a horrible stinky disease literally. You do not need to feel quilty about how you feel nor do you need feel that it is just you.