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      CommentAuthorm-mman*
    • CommentTimeMay 1st 2013
     
    Wow, whatta ending . . . . Short version, I guess I get to add my star *, long story who woudda known??
    So many people on this board have let us into the most intimate moments of the death of their Alzheimer’s Spouse. Perhaps they do that for a release on their part but they should also know that there are a lot of us watching who are learning about what the end will likely be like. I have learned more about hospice here than from anywhere else. I want to thank all the widows & widowers for helping us on our pathway.

    My 80 year old mother has intractable pain from inoperable hip, back and knee degeneration. Her joints are bone on bone. Her pain is barely controlled by continuous morphine. She uses a power chair to get around she can stand only for transfers.

    My 84 year old Dad has undiagnosed early stage AD. In any other situation another family might be very concerned, but since my wife is so deep into it, It barely showed up in this family as an annoyance. He could still drive but his memory had lapses and his judgment was flawed. While I have to explain it to others, in this place you all understand.

    Somewhere down in our archives there is a posting (or postings) titled ‘An Alzheimer’s tragedy ‘. The postings relate the second most common death scenario for an Alzheimer’s couple, that being murder suicide. Well it just happened to me BUT I remain alive to tell the tale.

    My day started as usual with the alarm going off at 6 AM. I feed the cats, then shower and dress my wife Rita. Unlike yesterday today she was cooperative for which I was grateful. Since I still work, I take her over to my parents’ house where they give her breakfast before my father brings her back to our house to watch TV until 1PM when the caregivers arrive. The caregivers watch her until I get home at 6:30 -7PM. A regular routine.

    Well today a coworker came back to the office and said he heard on the radio a report of three elderly people involved in a murder-suicide in my community. The news pictures online looked like mom & dad’s house, so I dash up there (just a 30 min drive) and sure enough it is true. Seems dad killed my mother and my wife before killing himself. . . . . Wow what an Alzheimer’s ending!

    Now, how do I feel . . . . ? Overwhelmed thinking about all the business matters that lay ahead (estates etc.) but as one Alzheimer’s spouse to another . . . yes, I am relieved. My Alzheimer’s and elder issues are over. Poof! Suddenly! Unlike the long vigils that others have written about this one sure had a different ending.
  1.  
    Jim, I don't know what to say. My thoughts are with you for the days ahead and I pray for strength to help you get through this.
  2.  
    Jim..

    This is the most tragic story I've read on this most heartwrenching site.
    I can't think of any words to express my feelings. On top of all you have
    been through, you now have to cope with loosing the three most cherrished
    ones in your life.

    I hope you have family and friends to be with right now and I wish you the
    strength to pull you through..........
  3.  
    Wow! That's one that is hard to digest. I guess the next few days will seem to be a dream. My thoughts will be with you.

    Mary
    • CommentAuthorJanet
    • CommentTimeMay 1st 2013
     
    Jim, I cannot imagine what you are experiencing. How tragic, and yet I understand the feeling of relief. I am so sorry.
    • CommentAuthorjoyce*
    • CommentTimeMay 1st 2013
     
    m-mman, this is so horrible for you. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you reach out for counseling, as this is too tragic
    to come to terms with without outside help. Again, I am so sorry you are dealing with such a tragedy. Hugs and prayers for you.
  4.  
    Possibly this is one of the few times that I am at a loss for words. I found myself waiting to hear that this really did not happen. That possibly there was going to be a 'punch line'. Sadly, life provided it's own punch line. I'm so sorry.

    Nancy B*
    • CommentAuthordivvi*
    • CommentTimeMay 1st 2013
     
    jim, I am devastasted reading your post. so sorry for your losses. undiagnosed dementia can be so unpredicatable and dangerous. I am at a loss for words.
    divvi
  5.  
    I am dumbstruck. Please take care of yourself.
    • CommentAuthorMim
    • CommentTimeMay 1st 2013
     
    I"m speechless- there are no words that are adequate.
    • CommentAuthorsusanhere
    • CommentTimeMay 1st 2013
     
    Oh my, Jim! What a shock this all has to be... so sorry to hear such news, you have a lot to sort out. I have been a member here for a long time but have not posted for quite a while. Hope you will find peace with what has happened.
  6.  
    I am so sorry for what has happened. I can understand relief and also the grief that you must feel. I hope that you have some family to help you deal with all this.
  7.  
    Jim, where do you live?... I hope you have other family to be with you and help you through this. I'm afraid you are in a state of shock right now. Who wouldn't be???? I only pray you have support around you. You will certainly need all you can get.
  8.  
    Prayers to you-------------
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      CommentAuthorjanny*
    • CommentTimeMay 1st 2013
     
    Jim, I have to repeat what Nancy B* says. You have to be in a state of shock right now, and your losses are just more overwhelming than you realize. I really pray you have many around you to help you through this. Call upon them, and allow help to come in. So much to happen in a day, and in your life. My prayers are with you.
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      CommentAuthorNikki
    • CommentTimeMay 1st 2013 edited
     
    Jim, I read this soon after you posted, and here I sit an hour later still unable to respond in any meaningful way. I believe Nancy is right and that you must be in some state of shock and I too hope you have family and friends surrounding you. I can't imagine losing the three core people in my life so suddenly and violently....... My heart goes out to you Jim. I am so sorry for your devastating loses.
  9.  
    I am so sorry Jim. I agree, you have to be in shock because of the devastation this has made in your life. Please make sure you have family or friends to be with you. Sending prayers.
  10.  
    OMG! I just read the article on your beautiful home. I am so sorry you came home to such a sad ending for everyone dear to you. I am so so sorry...
    Get help for yourself, you will need it. This is terrible news.
    Stay close to all of us here...we will be a support for you in the days ahead...
    Blessings and Peace..
  11.  
    So sorry just doesn't seem to be enough to say. To experience such loss in one day is too much for anyone to process.

    I agree that you will need lots of support in the coming days. Take good care of yourself .

    Your unbelievable ending is just another reminder of how little control any of us have over the outcomes in our lives.

    We truly can only live one day at a time.
    • CommentAuthormary22033
    • CommentTimeMay 1st 2013
     
    Oh Jim! I’m in shock reading this – I cannot imagine what you are dealing with now, and what you will be dealing with in the days and months ahead. You are in my prayers.
    • CommentAuthorbqd*
    • CommentTimeMay 1st 2013
     
    Jim, its hard to express what I am feeling after reading your story. I expect, as others have stated, that you are in a state of shock. Reach out to your friends and family for support. I'll be praying for you.
    • CommentAuthorAmber
    • CommentTimeMay 1st 2013
     
    Holy S**t Jim!!! I'm in shock and I just can't imagine how you must be feeling.

    Big Hug to you, I don't know what else to say right now.
  12.  
    Unbelievable just shocking. How my heart aches for you Jim, and any other family members. This is so unreal.
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      CommentAuthormary75*
    • CommentTimeMay 1st 2013
     
    Jim, I am so sorry. I echo everyone's concern that someone should be there for you. If it were me, I'd go to my doctor and tell him. Your welfare is of prime concern to him, and he needs to know. He's there for you and will see you through. Love and prayers going your way.
    • CommentAuthorcassie*
    • CommentTimeMay 1st 2013
     
    Jim,I am so sorry.
    Like the others I am at a loss as to know what to say but please don't be on your own.
    Hope that you can find the strength that you need to get through the coming days.
    Sending you love and courage.
    • CommentAuthorMoon*
    • CommentTimeMay 1st 2013
     
    Jim, I just read your post, and am really at a loss for words.
    I can't begin to imagine how you will cope with this horrible
    tragedy. I am so sorry. I will pray for you.
  13.  
    I am speechless....please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
  14.  
    Jim, my prayers for you now and in the days ahead. As others have said let those who will, help you now and in the months ahead. Just so sorry for your tremendous loss.
    • CommentAuthorBev*
    • CommentTimeMay 1st 2013
     
    I cannot remember reading such a shocking post. While I was reading it I said to myself: NO, it isn't going to end the way I thing it is. But, then, I remembered Vickie's shocking post several years ago and
    said to myself, yes, it can. I'm so sorry for you.
  15.  
    Jim, I am so very sorry for your loss. It is so difficult to know what to say but please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
    • CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeMay 1st 2013
     
    Jim - my BIL had that: bone on bone. I know he was in horrible pain but my sister insisted one Vicodin a day was enough - she feared he at age 80 would get addicted. When he moved you could hear all his bones grinding against each other. I hurt just hearing it. Even though your dad had early AD symptoms, I am certain he felt her pain. And the pain of your Rita. I can imagine all the pain and loss was too much for him. If he was in the early AD his coping skills no doubt were compromised.

    I agree that you are probably in shock right now and may stay methodical until things have settled down.

    I am so sorry for all the loss you suffered today. But, I am happy Rita nor your mom will have to suffer any more.

    ((((hugs))) Jim
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      CommentAuthorm-mman*
    • CommentTimeMay 1st 2013
     
    Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers.
    Several friends from work have come by and we went to dinner together (something I have not been able to do for a year due to the wife's behavior)
    One friend will be staying the night, but have no fears I will not be doing anything dumb.

    As I reflect on it (and get more details) I see it more and more as a loving act given to me by my father trying to spare me additional pain. Caring for 3 debilitated elders. Strange perhaps but it really is for the best.

    I have mentioned how I do a lot of public speaking and teaching on various EMS and disaster topics. I also teach AD whenever I get the chance. Well today I got a chance. Story below:

    http://ktla.com/2013/05/01/3-elderly-people-dead-in-hacienda-heights-shooting/#axzz2S6keWp7G
  16.  
    Jim....this is so tragic, I just don't know what to say, except, I am so sorry for your losses.
    Hugs sent your way.
  17.  
    Jim,

    You are in my prayers. I am so very sorry to hear this tragic loss. I have no words of comfort, but I am praying for your health and well being. Please Jim seek medical help. You as an RN know the value of medical care and support. Contact your doctor as that he/she can get you the care and support you need.

    I am so very sorry for you losses today. Hugs Lullie
  18.  
    Jim--so sorry to read this thread. Perhaps after things settle down you will consider attending a grief support group--you certainly have more than your share of losses.
    • CommentAuthordog
    • CommentTimeMay 2nd 2013
     
    I am so sorry for your loss. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

    Wishing you peace.
    • CommentAuthorSherizeee
    • CommentTimeMay 2nd 2013
     
    Jim- I wish you peace and comfort in the coming days. There is no more I can say, my heart is racing just thinking about it. Tragic and relief rolled into one.Take care.
    • CommentAuthoryhouniey
    • CommentTimeMay 2nd 2013
     
    What a horrible tragedy,but yes, I can see it as a final gift your father gave to you,he must have loved you very much.May you find peace in the future.
  19.  
    Yes, you don't even know how you feel yet. What a shock.
    • CommentAuthorAdmin
    • CommentTimeMay 2nd 2013
     
    m-mann*,

    My message board monitor alerted me about your post late last night. I have to confess that when I read it, I was so shocked that, I too was speechless.

    An uspeakable tragedy for you to lose 3 people you loved. I am so sorry. But all of us here do understand the relief that your father gave you.

    joang
    • CommentAuthorxox
    • CommentTimeMay 2nd 2013
     
    Jim, this is quite a shock. I understand the relief and perhaps it was meant as a present for you, and I am grateful that you see it that way. I agree with others that you may be in a state of shock yourself and it can take some time for what happened to sink it. I hope that seeing it as a gift from your father will be a comfort in the coming months.
    • CommentAuthorWolf
    • CommentTimeMay 2nd 2013
     
    Jim, this is a very serious shock and you worry me that you sound so detached from it. That I think is why we're all concerned about what it is doing to you as much as expressing our sorrow for this event happening to you.

    Can the police provide some qualified help? They do it at such school tragedies.

    I'm very sorry and I agree with the posters who say it may be that your father meant to end the suffering for all three and thought of your own future. The argument heard in the morning is possibly his own conflict at doing such a horribly conflicted thing.

    Please continue posting here about whatever crosses your mind in the coming days and months you want to talk about because this is a horrific event for you.

    I believe it is an individual's right to end their own existence and not the state's. I'm sorry for the passing of your wife Rita, your mother, and your father.
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      CommentAuthorCarolyn*
    • CommentTimeMay 2nd 2013
     
    Wolf, Very well said.
    • CommentAuthorandy*
    • CommentTimeMay 2nd 2013
     
    This is so difficult.......I am so sorry.
  20.  
    Jim, your are in my prayers. I know that you are a professional, but I plead with you to consider some grief counseling. This is alot to digest at one time andas you complete the necessary tasks at hand, you might find that having a counselor to lean on is a blessing. I know that this is little but I am so sorry that you had to experience this.
    • CommentAuthorOcallie36
    • CommentTimeMay 2nd 2013
     
    There are no words. God bless you.
  21.  
    Jim, I'm so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
  22.  
    Jim: There are no words that are adequate or possessing of any meaning when you've received a blow and shock to your very being such as you have. I believe Wolf expressed all of our thoughts and concerns very succinctly.
    My thoughts and prayers are with you
    Marty
  23.  
    Jim, I am shocked by this turn of events. Please, please take care of yourself. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
  24.  
    Jim, I have no words. My heart is so sad for you. I just want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. And I am glad you have friends who are looking out for you.