Forgive my self-pity, I just need to vent a little. I try so hard, and am usually pretty successful at accepting this disease and its quirks but mostly at being able to stay grateful for so many things, the least of which is that DH is much better right now than he was a year ago. But I have a cold. And one of the things that has changed in DH's personality is that he doesn't like it when I'm weak, tired, overwhelmed, sad, sick, etc., etc., any kind of weakness on my part upsets him. Which puts quite a bit of pressure on me, needless to say. And this weekend, I am sick. In the old days my husband was so supportive of me and kind to me when I was sick. But boy have things changed!! I don't know if he is "mirroring" my emotions, or if he is scared I won't be able to take care of him - really I don't care what he's thinking - I do know it's part of his illness but right now I'd like to just go away alone and crawl into a hole until I feel better and to hell with him. Luckily it's just a cold and it probably won't hang on much longer. But I do worry sometimes what will happen if I ever become seriously ill?
Vent away, ring! We are here for you. Same thing happens here when I am sick or don't feel good. I do know he worries that I won't be able to take care of him - and I worry about that too! Toooooo much worry on all fronts!
Hope your cold goes away quickly - 2 wks. they say. Hugs
I too have had a cold this week, running a low grade temp for days so I really felt lousy. My poor dh can't do much for himself anymore so I was dragging my arches fixing his three squares every day. In spite of all that, dh said he hasn't seen my "operating" like this in a long time.
I realized that I am very alone in all this. My 3 sons are out-of-state, 2 girls in this state but have heavy workloads of their own.
DH takes me for granted like all AD victims are apt to do. Their reasoning is gone.We are all entitled to self-pity, need to vent. This is a thankless job we have. Love is the glue that holds us together.
Sorry to hear you have a cold. It's frustrating when you are physically weak, then the emotions kick in and we as caregivers get so darn frustrated with everything being on our shoulders. Sometimes we feel so isolated from civilization. Seems our family and friends clueless what we are going though (at least in my case ---maybe not yours) Please try to get some rest (if possible) and don't be hard on yourself! Whine away....we are hear, to vent, to listen, and to lift each other up when depression strikes.
Ring, I hope you feel better soon. Feeling bad physically just makes the emotional strain we endure that much worse - shorter temper, sadder outlook, etc etc etc. Its so difficult to stay calm and upbeat when our heads hurt, and we can't breathe properly. We still have to "function" as if there was nothing wrong, because our LO depends on us for their well being. I also worry about what will happen if I get ill - I guess my DH would survive on peanut butter and jam sandwiches (his favorite) until I was able to get back into the kitchen. So, {{{hugs}}} for you, and I would like some extra old cheddar with my whine!!! :-)
This happened with me and my husband too. Generally, it seemed to start on his part when I was sad about something and then it expanded to whenever I complained about something. However, when he complained about something it bode well for me to echo his complaints.
As time went on I realized whatever I put in front of him- food wise- it didn't matter if it was a full course meal, or a snack or a dish of ice cream, he always exclaimed "delicious!"
I'm so glad I can come here and whine..I too had a bad cold for over 3 weeks and have just been diagnosed with Leukemia. My DH just nods his head when I tell him about it and then goes back to the TV. I worry about who will take care of him if I'm not able to. He can still do lots of things for himself as long as I put out his clothes and then help him get them on right and I know I don't have it near as hard as some of you on this board but today I'm feeling sorry for myself so I decided to come here and whine and was glad to see this thread.
Well...I will whine also. I am so thrilled at the new place I will be moving into next week and have had such a good time picking out my flooring, paint colors, etc. I know I will love it....BUT, looking around my present home with all the boxes packed and taped I am so sad I will be leaving the place I did my best for my dh husband and saw him die in this home. It is like I am now throwing his life away and leaving him instead of him leaving me. I'm back to my crying in the afternoon as I get tired and thinking more about him and how I am moving on and he won't get to go with me. I am hurting so much yet I knew I couldn't stay here. I guess this too shall pass.
It doesn't seem to make any difference whether it is a cold, other illness, or decisions large and small we must make it on our own...we really have to just put on our big girl panties and do the best we can. Whether they are still living or passed on it makes no difference...most of us are just ONE now...no longer TWO.
ro192, I am so sorry to hear of your diagnosis of Leukemia! {{{Hugs}}}. You need to do what you can to look after yourself.
JudithKB*, I have read a lot of your advice to others who are grieving, as you are today. You are a very caring compassionate person. Yes, you are sad because you are leaving the house you loved, and where you spent the last years of your TWO lives together. Moving out of any home that we love is difficult, more so for you because your LO won't be physically moving with you. But you will always have your DH in your heart, and no one can take that away from you. {{{Hugs}}} for you too!
My heart breaks for you dear people and I wish there was something I could do to lighten your burden, but, like you say, this journey is so lonesome. I am sending you my very best wishes for a better day tomorrow.
JudithKB*: I really really know how you feel except my DW was already in a facility when I had to move from our home. I will never forget having to do that and I wouldn't wish that experience on anybody.
Ro192, I am sorry to hear of your diagnosis. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Yes, your attitude is right on...."look after yourself" then you can look after your DH. Please keep us posted on your treatment plan and update to dates. ((hugs))
Judith, I understand your "second" thoughts about moving, but your are doing the right thing! As a former Realtor moving is one of the most stressful life experiences (up there with a death of a spouse and divorcce) and you my dear are dealing with two in a short time span. In your past posts you have stated positive reasons for your move and your temporary "buyers remorse" is just that.... temporary. You will be surrounded with many people your own age who are traveling down your path. Once you are settled in...you will be so grateful for your new digs. ((hugs))
Dean, as always your compassion and concern is truly heart-warming. You add so much encouragement to the members of this board.
JudithKB* I couldn't stop thinking about your move and the tender comments you made about it and your deceased husband. In one respect, you brought back painful memories, but, in another way you got it right about not having any choice but to move on without them alone.
You reminded me how difficult it was for me having to move the things that my DW was so fond of. Like Hummel figurines and many things people had given her over the years. Our house was full of 'her things' and it was a beautiful home (at least to us) and I had to dismantle it and move on alone. I think the fact that she was still living made it even more difficult.
I move into a smaller house by myself, but, I put as much as her things in it as I possible could. It has her piano, her pictures on the wall and her momentos exactly where she would like for them to be. If she came into this house today, she would recognize it and I think she would feel right at home. That was my objective.
But, then one negative that really hurt me. Our daughter said that it looked like I was building a 'shrine'. That was uncalled for and it hurt. It was my wife for our lifetime and my house and my decision.
Oh Well.....What can you do except go on.
As you may know, my DW passed away last month and I miss her terribly.
Wow, you guys are incredible. Thank you for all the kind words and encouragement.
I think it is the feelings of "aloneness" - even with wonderful friends and family support - that is overwhelming. JudithKB thanks for the reminder. Just put on the big girl panties and deal with it. I can whine as much as I want and nothing is going to change. Although every hug and kind comment are commited to heart to help me do that.
ro192, prayers are with you. There was a woman in our support group who was diagnosed with breast cancer, facing surgery and chemo and all her DH had to say was "but you'll still be able to drive me, right?" It is always such a shock to me still to realize that the man I married and loved all these years is not really here any more, just a stranger who looks like him.
And even friends and family who care have no ideas what that's like. I guess really no one can know unless they are doing it.
Dean and Judith it's not my place to comment on this situation because my DH is alive and we are still in our home for now, but my feeling is that you should do whatever it takes to get through the day. And if that means furnishing a "shrine", so be it! It's no one else's business, including our well-meaning but sometimes clueless children.
Dean, Grieving makes nerves raw and it had to have been compounded with your moving to a smaller home. Most likely your daughter didn't mean to hurt your feelings; she is younger and has a different perspective on life. I know that I have probably said (and still say) some regrettable things, more out of ignorance than unkindness. And I do know that my children cannot appreciate what I am going through even though they are kind. Sometimes when I cry out of sadness, frustration, or fear for the future they respond with bewilderment - I can see them wishing they were anywhere but here with one distraught parent and another disabled parent and no way to fix any of it. Consoling parents is counter-intuitive. Parents are supposed to console children.
We here all understand, empathize, and support your position, Dean. Take comfort in that. Children are mostly behind us on the Road of Life, and looking ahead and seeing a big wreck makes them want to take a detour. I know I felt that way about some of the family members who were older than I.
bdq: I hope your leukemia is the chronic condition. My oldest daughter was dx 12 years ago. She is doing really well and only takes medication for her condition. Just wanted to let you know you are in my prayers and take care of yourself...that is so important.
Dean, Your smaller home sounds very lovely! No, it's not a "shrine" to your wife, but rather a home of remembrance. I am sure that your wife would love how you have placed her piano, pictures, and mementos. As long as you and happy and comfortable there please don't be overly concerned with what your daughter feels. ((hugs))
ring You are kidding me! I live an hour west of Low in the small community of Ladysmith, just south of Otter Lake. From Low, head north to Kazabazua, then west on 301 to Otter Lake. We frequently drive through Low on our way to Ottawa. Now I really do expect some extra old cheddar with my whine!!! :-)
Ro192, I'm so sorry about your leukemia. I had a melanoma scare recently--they didn't find any spread so it should be ok. But when I was thinking about worst case scenarios, I imagined asking my husband to go into assisted living for 6 months to a year so I could go through treatment if they did find more cancer. And I couldn't imagine him agreeing to do so. I'm still not over my sadness that he showed no concern when I had the wide excision surgery and made no effort to do anything extra.
Please don't be so critical of your daughter's comment. I'm sure she meant it as a compliment. My Dear Helen left me alone eight months ago, and I have left everything exactly as it was nine years ago when she started her dementia trip. The one difference is; her ashes are on the kitchen sink where she used to spend time looking out the window. To me, a shrine is a hallowed place in memory of someone truly special and I would be happy to call it a shrine for my Dear Helen.