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      CommentAuthorFerggie
    • CommentTimeApr 5th 2013 edited
     
    I haven't posted for awhile.....I think the last time I was talking about my husband's addiction to "porn". Well, that hasn't changed....I did take the ink out of the printer so he can't print pics out.....
    On Feb 26th I took him to the University of Maryland Medical Center for a Neurological Evaluation.........almost 6 weeks ago.............still no results!!!!! When we left the facility, I was told that it would be 2 weeks before the results would be sent to my DH's doctor......I let it go for three.......called.....and they said.....there was a 3 wk turn-a-round and the doc had been out sick for a week..............so, last week I called my DH's doc..to see if they could help......NOT!! They received the same run-a-round that I did.
    Meanwhile, back at the ranch......I have noticed a decline in my DH's mental status. Right before the testing, his doc took him off his AZ medications........good idea??? I don't know.
    He has screwed up the lawnmower, broke the glass in the garage door, and just doesn't have a clue about anything! He has had a lot of dental work lately.....blessed with dental ins but still owe $872!!! He is still smoking.......
    I am OK most days but there are more days now that I just start crying out of the blue....... I work FT for our local Health System..pretty stressful job so that doesn't help. No help from family - mine or his..........is is just so overwhelming! I feel so lost, abandoned, lost in the shuffle, ignored..I can only do so much....I freaked out on him this morning.............I told him that I didn't like him.........UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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      CommentAuthorBama* 2/12
    • CommentTimeApr 5th 2013
     
    It's okay Ferggie. Halos slip and you just straighten it up and do the best you can and that is good enough. You will come out of this stronger and more compassionate to people who are hurting. For now learn to forgive yourself and forget the freaking out this morning. Sending hugs your way.
  1.  
    Oh Fergie, I am going though exactly the same situation you are. My husband has a terrible addicition to porn and it wasn't (until he lost his driver's license) visiting "escorts" several times a week. I really feel for you as it's a betrayal that I am struggling with ( I only discovered this a few months ago). Please stick to your guns and don't allow him any access to his addiction. Would you give a diabetic chocolate? It will only make this addiction worse.

    As far as meds---we are struggling in this area also. He is being seen by two phys./ a neuro/ and a PCP...none of them have prescribed a medicine to control his anxiety or temper...or addiction. I have changed one doctor and I can't have my spouse hopping around from doctor to doctor either.

    Family....this is a second marriage for both. We both have adult children from prior marriages. None of them...as any interest him his disease nor my struggles. If I bring up something regarding him...I am cut off immediately and they "have to go". They have not been there for me during any holidays or even my birthday!

    I really really can idenify with your depression and frustration. I hate FTD. I hate what it has done to our marriage. And frankly I am very disappointed, to say the least, in my family and his. I think of all the pain the worst is the lack of interest that the family takes. So hurtful...words can't express. It's almost a desertation.

    Ferrggie, I understand and don't feel guilty about your thoughts ...you are human. Come visit this message board more regularly. We care. We are all dealing with more than any human should have to. May tomorrow bring you a better day.

    ((hugs)) Lullie
    • CommentAuthorWolf
    • CommentTimeApr 5th 2013
     
    I freaked out too.
  2.  
    Call the administration at the university or the medical center, ask for the CEO or some administrator dealing with clinics and tell them your problem. Be sure that you have a time line made out with the exact dates and promises made. Tell them that your primary care physician could not get answers either. Be sure to ask who you are speaking with as in "I am trying to keep all of this information straight, so what is your name and position. OK, thank you, now if the next person you are connecting me with cannot help, what is your phone number so we can regroup?"

    The university system relies on referrals and they do not want disgruntled patients and referring doctors who might be bad press in an outlying community. The secretary in the neurology department might not care about this, but the CEO sure does. The neurology department might be booked up for months, but the powers to be do not want bad karma surrounding any clinic.

    And here is the part that is hardest for me, and that is staying calm and business-like, sweet but determined. Take deep breaths. You do not need to divulge any diagnosis or reason why you need the information to the administration. Just keep thinking "Here is the problem (communication) and how are we going to solve it?"
    And ask them that. As many times as necessary. And when you finally get through to someone who can lay hands on the information, be sure that they send it or contact the primary care physician ASAP.

    Good luck and keep us posted. It sounds like you are doing the work of three people. Don't beat yourself up for losing your cool. It happens. You are only one person in a very difficult situation. Forgive yourself; tomorrow is a new day.
  3.  
    Apart from all the good advice above, see your own doctor about your stress and crying sessioins etc. If nothing else, (s)he could give you some suggestions on how to help yourself..

    I have not had the same level of frustration you are enduring now but my doctor recognized symptoms in me of an inability to cope, anxiety and depression. I was first put on Lexapro which did not work, then valium but when my husband's neurologist learned from we what I was taking he had me see him about my anxiety and migraines I began having. He put me on Zoloft and it has made a world of difference...and I am off the valium...as I only took 1mg I was able to just quit and have had no side effects of it.

    Also maybe you can get some in home help for you...I have it now. mostly for me though in the beginning it was for DH. They do a few things for him but mostly for me....it has helped me a lot..little things like running an errand or light household help, cleaning a bathroom and best of all they cook! I now have meals put up that are healthy.

    And last I found a therapist to help me learn how to relax and take some time for me...not too good at that part yet but I am doing so much better.

    I hope you get those answer soon...It is sounding more like you may have to face the issue of placement if you can't get your DH under better control.
    Best wishes for answers.
  4.  
    Fergie, Also I hope you have a DPOA forr medical due to hippa laws in your state. If not you really need to see an elder law attorney.
    • CommentAuthorLFL
    • CommentTimeApr 6th 2013 edited
     
    Ferggie, I had a similar experience right after hb was dxd and involuntarily admitted to a psych hospital (different type of hospital but similar problems). I visited every time I could and took notes, got names, etc. When the head nurse refused to talk to me a bout a "choking" incident dh had at lunch I decided it was time to complain about his care and supervision. I called the hospital CEO who delegated my call to the "patient advocate". When I didn't get results, I wrote and faxed a letter to the CEO, threatened to report the mismanagement of my spouse to the state authorities which oversee hospitals unless I heard from the CEO personally within 3 days. Guess what? I got the call and spent a hour on the phone with the CEO. Only some of the problems were resolved but at least I got some action.

    Most facilities have a "complaint" protocol and force you to go through each step before the CEO will make contact. I'd start with the CEO and have them tell you you have to go through the process before he/she will respond. You might get lucky and they will respond directly. Good luck. I know this is stressful.
  5.  
    Ferggie--I looked at your old posts and saw you live in Easton. Have you attended a support group from the Alz Assn? I conduct one in Timonium, but there are 3 shown on the website in Talbot County, all in Easton. One is for Early Stage Memory Loss and is for both care partners and the person with dementia. Here's the info:

    Early Stage Memory Loss Group
    1-800-272-3900
    5:00 to 6:30, 2nd Monday
    Pre screening is required (LOOKS LIKE NEXT MEETING IS THIS MONDAY--4/8--you should call before then if you're interested).

    The Pines
    Susan Wolfberg, 410-822-4000 x 109
    4th Monday 6:30 - 7:30

    William Hill Manor
    Addie Eckhardt, 410-228-8048 or 410-310-7003
    Amy Moore Renshaw, 410-820-5177
    Last Saturday 10 a.m.

    I don't know whether your husband would agree to attend the first group, but that's they type of group we attended when my husband was in the Early Stage. We both found it to be beneficial. From your posts, it sounds to me like you'd really get a lot from attending.
  6.  
    Also, Fergie.....remember there are osbudman in your area who will advocate for you and your spouse.

    Be sure and document....names, dates, and occurance. Also, email is great source of documentation as it date stamps and time.

    We are all supporting you. This is so stressful and I wish you the very best.

    Please keep us posted.
  7.  
    I freaked out too Fergie. My halo ended up around my ankles a lot of days.
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      CommentAuthorFerggie
    • CommentTimeApr 7th 2013 edited
     
    Thank you all for positive and supportive comments & suggestions. I have a lot of work to do!!! Thanks again! I will keep you posted!!