I was wondering if any of you have any suggestions on how to help my DH cope with his mother's death. She passed away yesterday after a long illness. We had tried to prepare him by telling him she was failing, but he was never able to believe or comprehend it. She even came right out and told him she was dying and his response was "hopefully not". Yesterday after she passed at home, we went over to see her before she was taken to the funeral home. He had no emotion, looked a bit concerned but was very disconnected. He is not remembering that she has passed and if I speak about the funeral he keeps asking "whose funeral?" Last night he called his sister to confirm it was true. He doesn't trust that I'm telling the truth.
The funeral is on Monday and I'm trying to figure out what is the best way of handling this situation -- I don't want to keep telling him and hammering it home, but he's just so confused overall that I don't want him to go ballistic, although I don't think he will. He was always very well-controlled emotionally.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
Generally, it's best not to tell them at all that someone passed away. Since you have already told him, and he has already forgotten (as in asking - Whose funeral?), my suggestion would be to drop it. I would find someone to watch him on Monday, you go to the funeral, and don't mention it again. I know this sounds terribly harsh and cruel,but it's the opposite. If he is far enough along not to remember whose funeral you're talking about, he probably will forget all of it. Telling him again and reminding him will only make him feel worse over and over again. If, at a later date, he asks about his mother, you can divert his attention or tell a little "fiblet", such as - she's in the hospital but doing better.
My friend's husband is in a facility, and his sister in a State 1000 miles from here died. My friend stressed herself into a migraine headache about telling him the next day. I, her therapist, and her Pastor advised her not to tell him. She didn't, and he has never asked about his sister.
This probably sounds horrible to you, and I am sorry if it upsets you. It's just that, based upon experience with other members and other friends who have faced the same problem, not telling is usually the best way to handle it. As I said, you've already told him, but he's already forgotten, so I would let it go.
I agree with Joan... When my DH asks questions over, maybe not about a death, and over about someone visiting or who is that out across the street, I'll say I don't know and that ends it. You met your obligation when you told your DH. He confirmed it with his sister, and he does not remember any of this. I see no reason to go over this again either. Get someone to stay with him while you go to the service..It is the kindest thing to do.
Sadly DH father passed away in Jan. I was sick about how to deal with it. He lived on the east coast and us in KY. No way we could travel and really no need to tell DH. He had not asked about his father in a month or more at the time of his passing. We opted to not tell him. And I am glad. Sorry we missed the funeral but it was what we had to do. I'm not sure that DH would fully understand death right now anyways.
I think Mary75* is right let his Monday be an ordinary one. And I am truly sorry for your loss and having to deal with all of this. (((Hugs)))
Thanks everyone for your input. Our situation is different. My husband was very close to his mother and continued to have a weekly ongoing relationship with her despite his memory issues. We also own the home she lived in which is 1/2 block from ours. It is like his second home. When his mother told him she was dying, I know that he did understand on some level. He takes daily walks (at least 10) in our neighborhood and walks past her home every time. After he learned about her declining health, he was stopping there every time he would walk (which he didn't do before) -- to the point where his sister had to disconnect the doorbell. My DH has fluctuating memory issues and in some ways his behaviors and anxiety are more troublesome than his memory. I suspect he is more FTD than AD. So although it will be painful for him, I feel keeping him away will actually do more harm than good. If he didn't remember his mother at all, I wouldn't have him go -- but he does remember her. Besides the entire family will be at the funeral and there is no one to watch him. He needs to be with all of us and we will be there for him.
Again thanks for your suggestions and I will let you know how it goes.
Elaine, I tend to agree with you. He sounds as if he does know she was declining. When my Mother and Son died, I told DH about both; took him to my Mom's funeral and to the Memorial service for my son. He may not have understood everything going on, but he was a part of it and remembered it for some time afterwards. Then....he forgot about both. I feel if they are alert enough to know, they might need some closure too - however, short-lived it might be.
I hope it all goes well for you and him. Blessings on you.
Vickie, thanks so much for responding. I was hoping you would see my post, because I remember all you endured when your son died. I so appreciate your viewpoint -- I do think the level of awareness in our loved ones differs in each one. Thanks for your support!
My last post vanished! One other thing I did/do - and others may not agree but that's ok. He will ask about my Mom and Son periodically, as well as his deceased parents. I always tell him they have died, but are now safe and that seems to satisfies him. When he asks if my son is coming soon, I tell him he is in heaven and watches over us and now he isn't sick anymore. That also satisfies him - until the next time. Knowing DH, if I told him they were on a trip or whatever, he would constantly ask me questions about it. This way, at least for us, I only get asked about them once in awhile and I answer the same way everytime.
We each have to do what is best for our LO. There is no one answer. Just so sad we have to think about such things as this. Sending you many (((Hugs))) Elaine K
You never know how they will react. In 2010 when we flew back to Massachusetts for my FIL's funeral, my husband reacted differently than I would expect. He usually is not emotional - or does not show it. I did not take him to the wake (hate those) but did the funeral. He was quiet but fine through the service but at the graveside is when he lost it. We literally had to pry him away from the casket. He was never close to his dad, so this surprised me. I was having a hard time cause my husband is a junior. The pastor chose to refer to him by his name instead of Sonny that everyone called him. For me, I felt like it was my husband's funeral. I don't know if this affected his behavior or not, I just know it surprised me.
As close as they were, I would let him go. People must be aware of his condition, so be prepared for different reaction or he may have none. He may not remember and when he ask about his mom you will have to tell him, but so what - we have to repeat anyway.
Yesterday was the funeral for DH's mother. He actually did ok throughout, although he wasn't quite sure what was happening. When we arrived at the funeral home, he asked again why we were there and I told him. When we approached the coffin and he saw his mother, he asked me "Who is that?" I have to say that I had the same thought because it really didn't look like my mother-in-law at all. I think it should have been a closed coffin. Fortunately the visitation was only for an hour before the service and DH spent the entire time sitting on a sofa and just looking at the coffin. My daughter asked him how he was feeling and he said "Terrible, I can't believe it." My DH has always kept his sad feelings very private and I've never really seen him cry.
At the cemetery as the coffin was being lowered he asked his sister, "Is that our mother?" and his sister responded truthfully. Since then we haven't really talked much about it. His younger sister came from Europe for the funeral and they are very close so I know he's happy to have her here. However, he keeps mixing her up with our daughter.
In the end, it all worked out all right. I really don't know what the days ahead will bring, but I know I'll try to answer him truthfully and just reassure him if he gets upset.
Elaine, I'm so happy it went as well as it did. He may not remember any of it or that she is gone, as my DH does, but just reassuring him seems to help.