Hi my hubby has, bvVarient FTD,Vascular dementia and Alzheimer's. we have Ben trying to get a diagnosis for eight years and finally it is official as of last July. He is very difficult and in out from a nasty person to a cuddled child. He has decided that I don't need to we're my wedding ring anymore and has brought this up three time this week. Has anyone else had this happen? I am just lost with this one. He says it is just a piece of metal and only a symbol. Should I remove my ring to satisfy him or just put up with his pushing.
Jazzy, I am glad you found your way here, welcome to the family. I am sorry to hear of your husband's diagnoses, one is hard enough..... I have never had this particular problem, but it isn't unusual for our loved ones to fixate on something that makes no sense to us. My own opinion would be that it depends on how important wearing the ring is to you. If it is something you can take off without causing you emotional upset until he is over this fixation, then I would take it off. If it would upset you to take it off, keep it on. Try distracting him with something else when he brings it up. In time he will stop dwelling on this and move onto something else.
Thanks! I know your advise is the right way but it is so difficult when he, because of the disease, can't recognize our marriage anymore. Just a new loss for both of us. I'm glad I found you as well. i am finding that family and friends around us just don't want to talk about our losses and hurts as caregivers. Maybe they just don't know how to respond.
My husband was diagnosed w/AD 8/2009. My mom has had it for 7-8 years. I cannot convince my parents age 87 to move near me. It is now getting more difficult to be in 2 places.
I can't imagine being in that situation. I had to move across country with my hubby to get a diagnosis and that was hard, but you have a big problem. If they don't want to move then that is that. It will likely be very hard on them to move at their age. Would it be possible for you to move?
Welcome Jazzy and EKL. As the others have said this is a wonderful place for support, information and yes, a place to whine and vent when necessary. Nikki's advice is always the best. I have another suggestion Jazzy, perhaps he wouldn't notice if you put your ring on your right (or left depending on your custom) hand? Just a thought.
Thanks for the hugs and welcomes. I have searched the web for months for something like this group and I am so happy to have found you. He is so up and down going from nasty to nice in hours or sometimes minutes. He attends,as he calls it, Day Care , three times a week and I have care givers come in every Sunday. I was told by a long time caregiver of AD, that bingo is the best activity to take your mind off your caregiving . So away I went and guess what? It works. I go every Sunday evening, if I wish, and buy minimum cards and just relax. Works great!,, he likes his caregivers now, fired all if them before, now he has no choice as he has no sense of danger, so I can't leave him alone. If you met him you would think there is nothing wrong with him. He's, as his Dr. Says, a good actor. But be with him 24/7 and you soon learn differently.
Jazzy, thanks for the tip-I had no idea bingo would be a great way to get my mind off caregiving. You learn something new everyday! Ah, the early stages-they fool everyone including us sometimes. I think it's because they've learned to cope and hide the changes long before they become apparent so they've become quite skilled at it.
welcome EKL and Jazzy! new members join every day it seems now. its good to see you have found joans, and can get the help and support we all need while caregiving for AD. lots of handson tried and true workable ideas here as you move thru the stages. divvi
Welcome Jazzy. Don't forget he may not be able to access his feelings on some of these things and perhaps the wedding band reminds him of that or at least demonstrates that something is wrong and making the band a piece of metal is a solution. They have pieces and are missing pieces and have no choice but to try to make sense of what is presently available to them.
EKL and Jazzy welcome to our group, and I agree, Nikki rocks for the most loving and great advice. She is like an angel, and has had to endure more than imaginable.
I found this website in a strange way! I was researching coconut oil cures, and there was a link on the side to here!
I read a great book for are givers just recently " Loving someone who has Dementia" author Pauline Boss. She talks about "Ambiguous Loss" I wonder which is harder for us, living with some one who is, here but not here, or totally gone. Memories are so lovely.
Welcome Jazzy: Since I have done both lived being a caregiver and having my dh die last Aug. For me they are both terrible, but different. The caregiving takes more out of you physically I think then the grieving after they are gone. One of the worse things about caregiving is can't see the end of the condition and the thoughts of years of care for your spouse makes for lots of sorrow. Then when they die you feel like life might not be worth living, but slowly as time goes on you know life is worth living. I am still in the early stages of grief, but with the help of others on here I know that I must move on and learn how to do the rest of my life with family and friends but most likely without a partner. I will learn how to do this just like I learned how to be a caregiver.
JudithKB*, I love your spirit. You're right-what a profound statement-you'll learn to move on after your DH"s passing just like you learned how to be a caregiver. You and others are my inspiration. Blessings.
Welcome EKL, I can't imagine trying to be the caregiver for two people, just the thought overwhelms me! I hope you can find a solution that will cause you less stress ((hugs))
Awwww Jazzy, it is so difficult, heartbreaking isn't it.... Each new loss hurts so much. I am glad you have found an outlet in bingo, may you win big! :)
Coco, you are too too kind ♥♥
JudithKB* I agree with LFL, I will squirrel that gem away for when I need it later. I appreciate so much that you and other members who have lost their spouse still post here to help us. We learn so much from those who have crossed this path before us. Thank you ♥
Three months ago my DH decided that there was no reason for me to wear my wedding ring. Well I took it off and wore my family ring in it's place and he either didn't notice or didn't care. Yesterday I removed my family ring and replaced my wedding ring and so far he hasn't said anything Maybe it is because his mind is now on preparing for his move to the residence. At least it is much quieter around here.
Jazzy, Pauline Boss also wrote a book "Ambiguous Loss" which covers both when the person is missing but there is no body (think Vietnam MIAs), or when we have a body but the mind is gone (dementia). I recommend both.
At her psychiatrist's office on Friday we made it plane that she needs to move into AL. At one point on Saturday she tried to give me her house key and suggested giving me back both rings (engagement and wedding). Fortunately she calmed down on Sunday but it will be a rocky ride for the next 2 months until she moves (it might be earlier).