I've finally begun to consider Day Care for my DW. I am still torn about the decision because I am retired and am at home all day anyway and have been taking care of her for several years now. The care is expensive and will all be out of pocket. On the other hand, even her doctor asked me what I was doing to get help and everthing I read says that caregivers tend to burn themselves out and then become sick or die and are not able to provide care anyway. I find that my whole day is concerned about keeping her occupied and that I get very little done. There are really only a few things that we can do together, anyway.
The other fear is that once she begins Day Care, I'll have to get a life of my own for three days a week at least. For three years now, all I've done is hang out with her full time. If I don't find some interest or activity, the money will be a waste. Don't know what I want to do. Just thought I'd share a little bit.
You have just told my story. Can't live with her, can't live without her!
I spent the three years 24/7 with her, getting as much as I could done, skipping things she couldn't do. I couldn't get out to where I needed to, but couldn't conceive of leaving without her. My DD offered to take her for afternoons, and I would drop her off. I knew she was safe and loved, and I still spent every moment trying to get back to her as fast as I could. Then when I was back I was irritated because I had all this stuff I needed to do, but couldn't because I was trying to drag her along. Couldn't win for losing.
And just like you have observed, I got sick. She did end up going to Day Care for a few weeks, and although I felt like a horrible failure, it was for the best. I still sat around for the whole time, but it made me appreciate her and me more later.
Even if you sit on your fanny and do absolutely nothing while she is at DC, the money will NOT be a waste. You are paying for some quality time that you cannot get with her in the house. You will be better off for it, I promise. Do it.
Baltobob, I still work full time, and I know that my DH is going to need either day care or in-house care soon. I've got them lined up for the day I have to start. I was thinking about trying in-house once a week and day care once a week at first to see how he does AFTER each event. Whether he accepts the day care (with interactive events with others) or in-house (where he will be comfortable in his surroundings) will be what I am watching to see which is better for him.
You could try four hours a day, three times a week and see how she does, and if you are able to visit with other friends, or go to a museum, library, etc, or get a massage. Then three full days a week. Just little mini-vacations to start with and build from there. You have looked after her so long that you will need to re-establish some time of your own and even develop new interests. You have to look out for yourself as well as your DW.
I hope that you can join us on our cruise in February!
Just tonight I was talking to my son and he asked me if I thought it was time to get some help? I, like Baltobob, wonder how that would feel? What would I do? Besides, our investments have tanked so I worry about spending the money right now. I never want to be to the point where I qualify for Medicaid. Of course, for us, it would mean we would have to park our motorhome in a more or less permanent situation. So, there is a lot to think about. I may be like Scarlet and 'think about that tomorrow'...
I have felt exactly like Baltobob and Trisinger. For the past 3+ years I have devoted almost all my time to DW, getting help only for an hour or so when I had to be away. Last month I put her in a new Day Care center that just opened so I can get to the YMCA for some much needed exercise, leaving her there for 2 hours on Mon, Wed, and Fri. The director of the Day Care has suggested that I leave her there for lunch and get some time for myself. I have wondered what I would do. One time I did get a haircut, but that can only be done occasionally. I'll try this once a week and see what happens.
DH agreed to go to day care once a week.He absolutely loves it. It is about the only thing he has been excited about. I think he enjoys the fact that he is fussed about and there are new people and different activities. He thinks he is volunteering.
One day a week is not much time. The first few times I stayed home and read and went for a walk, just enjoying the "alone" time. After a while I made plans to visit friends or go out to lunch. It was the best thing for both of us.
glad to see you 'guys' adding your input today! your stress levels are exactly as bad or (more) than us ladies:) everyone needs respite time even if like you say only to sit alone and contemplate in quiet. i thought and thought bout hiring inhome for way toolong and use the excuse of wasting money too -after the first 4hrs of free time, i was sad i had wasted so many yrs just doing for DH and not treating myself to anything worthy. it is like starting up a new life for yourself again after caregiving 24/7. it takes time to reconcile you have some 'me' time. just do it. after reading yesterday i called another agency and they are coming out on monday to get things lined up for my days out. i am glad its done. divvi
Frand, I think we all have to think about medicaid being necessary at one point or another. Nursing homes run $70,000/yr. And YOU are still alive. YOU have to have enough money to live on while he's there, and to be cared for in YOUR turn. I know you live in the mobile home (and I don't know how that qualifies in relation to owning a traditional house) but I don't think there are many of us who can say we can't ever consider medicaid. Many years ago, before it was called that, my aunt Jessie had to take state aid. She was the widow of a lawyer, never thought she'd have to, but her health was poor and she needed to be in a nursing home for some years. We had to say, look, YOU PAID YOUR TAXES. That was your insurance that you're now getting payback on.