Okay, here I am again! Does it ever ever stop with this guy?
Problem:
1. Husband is not to drive according to doctor's opinion (November 2012) 2. Husband refuses to accept this 3. Husband is now talking about "running away from home" or hitching a ride with an out of towner with out of state plates 4. Husband is now trying to gathering money to buy car (skimming money from my purse, talking about selling goods, possible stealing ect) 5. Husband's no-good son has husband's expensive tools at his house and I believe his son would help his dad obtain money to buy vehicle (this is the same piece of work who thinks his dad can drink and see no problems with his dad spending his savings on hookers)
Any ideas or tips on what to do...husband has been talking about this off and on for the past 10 days. I am worried what the consequences of this would be. Husband has no judgement skills at all (FTD), but still has the creative and sneaky skills to be very cleaver and crafty. I am living with a horny deliquent boy which is in the body of a dirty old man.
Any ideas or suggestions is very much appreciate. Thanks
This is the way I've handled similar situations: once you've done all you can, let it go. It's surprising how things can unfold in a way that is better than anything you could have thought of, or done, on your own.
You may not want to hear this, but it sounds like it is time to get a guardianship for your husband, or to think about placement, or both. He is obviously a danger to himself, if he thinks hitching a ride with a stranger is a good idea. Not to mention the danger involved in associating with hookers! Read back over what you wrote in your post. Don't you think that a judge would say that your husband needs a guardian? Your husband doesn't have to agree to this, like he would to giving you power of attorney.
You need to protect your own financial and mental well-being and your husband's safety. Obviously he is not capable of making rational decisions. At this point he IS a delinquent boy, and YOU are going to have to manage the situation. (It's either you, or the son. Who would you rather have making decisions that involve you, too?) It's very hard, but you have to do it. Otherwise the situation may progress to the point that you no longer have options. And the longer you wait to act, the worse the situation can get.
You have a very, very hard situation to deal with, but you can work toward changing it. But you can't just wait for the situation to improve on its own. You have to start changing it yourself. And you might be surprised at how empowered you feel when you do start getting a handle on things. Sometimes I think, "If I can handle this, I can handle anything". In my case, although it's come at a high price, I have developed quite a backbone that I never knew I had. I'm sure that backbone is going to come in handy for the rest of the surprises that life has in store for me.
i think i would have to agree with jan k on your situation lulliebird. you have lots of negative issues to deal with very early on. if my dh had a verified diagnosis with a neurologist, and was doing this dangerous activity then i would probably either decide to leave him to his own and separate/divorce, or go the route of guardianship to be able to gain control for the best outcome. like you say he has no judgement skills and must not drive now the dr has put it out there and you should get control of all the finances before you awake to some serious financial woes. your problems will only get worse if you dont become proactive and get a handle on this before he spirals more out of control. getting them 'compliant' on medications would be my first step. ie something strong enough to help control his impulses. if hes threatening to leave, them probably dead bolts on doors to make sure he doesnt leave in the nite. they do this, mine did it several times. we call them 'runners'. and yes they will be gone before you know it. others here have this problem too. unfortunately, its in our hands how we chose to proceed. good luck. divvi
If he still has a driver's license ask the doctor to report him to the DMV. If he won't then do it yourself anonymously. Also be sure to notify your insurance company of the dx and ask if he is covered. If the insurance company says no tell your husband insurance will not cover him and make sure he can't get his hands on car keys (I assume that you have that covered). If he got in an accident and the insurance company was not aware of his condition they could refuse to cover anything and you could lose everything.
Guardianship sounds good because who knows what paperwork his sign might get your husband to sign.
Thanks everyone for your input. I have looked into divorce ---also, spoke with several elder law attorneys. They all concur that because of husband's coping skills he could very easily fool the judge in a court of law. The lawyers said that this would not be a slam dunk guardianship because spouse would be called to the witness stand. Spouse can cover and probably would cover well under oath.
His coping skills: In the not so long distance past (prior to changing neuro guys) husband had his primary care physician and psy, eating out of his hand with his confabutions. I would also have to hire an attorney to represent spouse in addition to my own attorney's expense....roughing starting a $6,000-7,000 retainer and then billing hours would take effect!!!!) and no sure deal. He has only mild/moderate alzheimers so he can present himself skillfully...(he had a high level corp. position at one time...and high intelligence quoto so because of this even though his IQ scores have dropped he's still can read novels, crosswords, and discuss current events). His "executive decisions" and lack of insight and judgement are what suffer.
Based of the information above, as appealing as I would like, is not probable to obtain guardanship at this time. Divorce is probably the best option. Even though I concern myself emotionally divorce (or so I think) I feel a deep obligation. I feel very sad for his situation..especially on my weaker days...but I feel more mourning and grief for myself.
I know the options---following though is chancy and could indirectly cause more problems. I will try and sit tight, try and hold on taking one day at a time hoping for the best (and hopefully as Mary 75 said) they may work out over time.
Board Members: I have the deepest respect for you as you continue on this journey. Thank youJoan for the website. It's been a life-saver to me knowing I can reach out to someone night or day and there is always someone to offer a help-hand, a word of encouragement, or advice. May God grant us peace in the midst of this storm.
I really wasn't thinking in those terms, but Ann and Diane I think you gals are on to something good! Count me in...maybe we could go visit Coco in Hawaii? Heck, I don't care where we go...just that we go...lol..
lulliebird, I feel very deeply for you and understand the despair, anger, frustration and confusion you are going through right now. Your husband is out of control and yes, it is your responsibilty to find a way to get him under control othewise you can lose everything. I know, I've been there and so have many others here, so you're not alone. As hard as it is, you have to find the right doctors, social workers, etc. who will support you in the actions needed to protect your assets, keep you and your husband safe. As JanK and divvi said, this will NOT happen on it's own and YOU have to be proactive. With all due respect we have been trying to help you through this for several months now and we all care very much but you seem to still be in a place where you feel helpless. This is tough love and quite honestly I didn't want to hear it either when we were in a crisis I was very unprepared for.
Your husband is no different than most of our husbands, smart, top of their graduating class, high acheivers, corporate executives, etc., so what? Doesn't matter if it's FTD or another dementia, many of the behaviors are the same but the medications to help manage symptoms are different. FTD is no better or worse than another form of dementia, but yes, it can be "alzheimers on steroids" which means we have to be more vigilant than others in our caregiving roles. I often say "why can' t I have a dementia guy who's happy to sit in his chair?" But guess what, I don't have that guy and it is my job for both of our safety to find a way to manage it. And yes, it is very frustrating, time consuming and disappointing when I can't find a professional to help me through this horrible journey. But as long as he's living with me at our home, it is my responsibility to mange his disease and it's behaviors. Placement is certainly another option but you still have to manage his care...and if he has behaviors the facility cannot control with their staff, you will need to hire a private 24/7 aide in addition to the costs for the facility, resulting in paying double for his care. And there's no guarantee he will not "elope" or they will kick him out. I know, I've been there.
You have many decisions to make that you clearly don't want to....you can't blame the doctors, they are your decisions. I assume the treating physician has contacted the dept of motor vehicles (by a letter) and stated that your husband is no longer able to drive. You should have received a copy of the letter and a letter from DMV notifying you that his license has been suspended. If not, you need this letter from DMV for your files and to send to you auto insurance company. You need to confirm with your ins company that he can no longer drive and ask them what the consequences are should he drive a car without a license and/or insurance? Take away the keys to any motor vehicle he might have access to. Cancel credit cards, move all $$$ into your name only (you said you have a DPOA), this CANNOT WAIT!!!! Send an attorneys certified letter to the no good son that your DH is not competent and that he is not to aide and abett your DH's attempts to engage in unsafe behaviors.
Of course, meds are the first step in controlling this out of control behavior. I think you mentioned previously he's on 50 mgs of seroquel at night....that is a very, very low dose and with FTD will DO NOTHING to control his behaviors. Tell his doctors this dose is not controlling his behaviors and you need a higher dosage or something else. YOU have to push his doctors (and the attorneys) into action. They don't live with him, you do and it's your responsibility until you divorce him or when you place him and in that case it will be your responsibility too. I am with you all the way but now is the time to take action and stop making excuses. Yes, I know you will be angry, I would be too, but you cannot continue as a helpless victim in this limbo, you must take action for anything to change.
LFL...well said. It is so difficult and most of us know that...but, lack of constructive action has the possibility of making things even worse. My heart goes out to llulibird...I know she is hurting and for some reason unknown to us she lacks the courage to improve her situation.
llulibird: Here is a question I would ask you to give consideration to: Assume your dh does go on a trip, spends lots of money, has an accident, YOU now end up in court...and the Judge says to you: Do you have DPOA? And, of course your answer would be yes. Then the Judge says to you.....Why did you NOT transfer most of your funds into an account with just your name on it and cancel his credit cards to protect your assests for you and YOUR HUSBAND's care? I would like to know what your answer would be.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. I have been in the same position. Until I just let go and let God deal with him and his horrible off spring, I had no peace. But now, I just sit back and the cards fall where they may. I completly agree that they can and will say anything to a judge or doctor to get their way. It is astounding!!! I have gotten rid of all the guns, filed down the keys so that they do not work, had all the motor cycles removed from the property and when he tells me is going somewhere I just nod and say have fun. That seems to confuse him and he sits back down. I have become battle weary and have decided to chose my own battle and my own battle ground. He still has access to limited funds that his sorry off spring help themselves too. But when it is gone, it is gone. I will not replenish it. You have to find the right combination that fits for you. Lots of peace to you.