Is there a general rule of thumb? He has been in a nursing home here ( a town of 6,000), but the home is anxious for him to be moved somewhere else. He wanders, and they do not have an Azs. unit there as such. We found an assisted living home here that has a locked Azs. house and just about moved him there. Luckily, a friend whose husband is in the same boat was talking to me about our mutual Trans America Long Term Insurances. She mentioned that this insurance would only pay a third of what they pay for residents in a nursing home. In the contract it is clear also. It takes this insurance 3-4 weeks before they will come up with information on what they will pay. They will not reveal any figures ahead of time. Imagine if we found this out after he was moved!. We would eventually be financially ruined from paying the extra money each month. So I think we will keep him here at the nursing home as long as possible. I've heard they can "de-mit" him, but that it takes a long time. Our sons are thinking we should sell our home here and move to the cities lock stock and barrel where he might have a better situation (also more expensive). I have been having LOTS of anxiety about this, and married him for better or for worse. also , I love him. I also know that our sons have good intentions, but very busy lives. I am 80 and would want family to be close to as I get older- especially when I die. But also I'm quite independent. Life has given me many joys and a few of the other. As I am sure it has done for the rest of you. I'll be really thankful to those of you that reply.
In the contract they specify that the "assisted living" type homes get so much less. I wonder what the legal difference is between nursing home and an assisted living situation.
Several people have talked about the consequences of moving, I hope they will respond soon. I'd think about it carefully and what effect it will have on him, altho I can understand the home if it's not a locked facility. Have you checked further with Trans America? Seems to me that Long-term care is Long-term care, no matter where the patient is. Do you have an insurance agent you can talk to? And what about you? Would you be comfortable moving to a city? I hope all gets worked out soon for you and that someone here has better advice.
Midwestmn, I moved 8 months ago from the midwest to the southwest...small city vs. large city....no family to family...friends to no friends. After the move we had a huge decline in my husbands health. Any change...even from one NH to other NH in the same town is a huge change.
A very wise friend of mine told me many years ago "When in doubt stay status quo" I have lived by that adage over the years. Do I regret my move...NO, however, I miss my dear friends and their support. On the other hand, I have family close by.
I would suggest with pen and paper in hand draw a line down the middle and write the pros and cons of moving. Think it over carefully because once you do there is no turning back.
I moved three years ago to a new area close to my daughter where I still live. Jim died last Aug. and I for one feel so lost because I know no one. I go for days without saying one word except to myself or my dog. I love my home and the area, but now that Jim is gone I can't really count on my limited family here because they all work and have their own lives on the weekends and I do understand that. I would say...unless one really needs to to be closer to family stay where you are. Since I was and still am so lonely since Jim died I have now purcahsed another place about 20 miles from here in a community of people 55 yrs. and older that have lots of activities. I do think this will be a much better fit for me because I am an out going person and to be in this area with no friends...it would kill me in another year. I truely believe that.
midwestmn--I am not clear whether you are asking about an assisted living "group home" or a full-blown assisted living facility for dementia patients. There is a big difference in amenities and cost and the policy may very well reimburse differently for each one vs a nursing home.
I can tell you one thing about ALH's,in Mich they can do just about anything they want and you have no recourse,it seems they operate mostly "outside the law" meaning they don't have the rules and regulations NH's have,when I had trouble with a national chain here in my home town I called the state an had them investigate,after two months the state informed me the lies ALH told me before LO was admitted,(about RNs and DRs on duty and specifically if they could handle runners)were not anything they would get involved with,by the way this "chain" charged over $5000 to be admitted,she was there less than a week and had to send ied letter to CEO complaining before I was givn a refund.......0f about $2000,so for less than a week we paid over $3000,I will be glad to supply name of this company to anyone that would like it.
Is your husband currently receiving LTC payments? I would contact Trans America or an insurance agent if that's how you bought the LTC policy and ask them for the payment schedule for each type of care. It was my understanding that the insurance companies had to include the rates as part of their policy.
We have not moved, so I can't really advise you about that. I can tell you that when my mother-in-law moved to be closer to us she never truly adjusted to our environment and eventually moved back to her home area. She no longer had a support system of friends, a senior center where she was well known, doctors who she knew for years and trusted, access to public transportation, etc. We truly misjudged how difficult it would be for her to "start over" in her eighties. We both worked full time and although she was near us, our busy lives left little time for her, which I know upset her. We were really her only connection here and couldn't spend the amount of time with her that she wanted. We had good intentions but looking back we should never have encouraged her to move away from her support system.
I opted to stay put when the children wanted us to move to a retirement complex. Iove where I live,my dog and my eight cats don't bother anyone.Next home is a good block away but they do come if I need help. I told my children that I know DH will soon have to go to a facility and I'd rather be here when I have to live alone.There is a church group that provides transportation if you can't drive but I have not had to call them.While ,we moved many times in our life, I wouldn't want to try to adjust now to a new place.MY self. I 'd advise to stay put.
Marilyn/md, I am talking about an assisted living facility for dementia patients. I really appreciate the ideas everyone gave me. Judith KB,I think you are doing the best thing by going to where the activities are. And I feel so for you being isolated for so long. It's cruel and unusual punishment not to have any conversation. We we simply need communication with others. If I didn't have my phone to talk to loved ones all over the United States, I don't know what I would do. But it's been a LONG winter . What with several months of aloneness due to a pnuemonia I felt pretty sorry for myself. Lulliebird, your idea to put pro and con reasons for or against a move on paper was valuable. though I haven't done it yet. Hopefully spring will come after this coming night's forcast being one below zero.
I want to reinforce what JudithKB* said. Moving closer to family is not necessarily all you expect it to be. As Judith said, they have their own lives to live. They are not going to be your social group, nor would you want them to be. They may OR MAY NOT be involved and helpful with the care and decisions regarding your husband. Ultimately, you are going to be alone when this Alzheimer journey is over. You have to consider whether you will then want to be with your sons, whom you say have "very busy lives" or where you are now where you are settled, have an independent life and friends. It's a tough call, but I have read a lot of posts from members who have moved to be closer to family and ended up quite alone.
We used to visit my husband's hometown frequently over the years and thoroughly enjoyed his family and friends. By the time he retired and we moved half way across the country, we were unaware there was a "Hatfield and McCoy" feud going on. If you talked to a family member on one side of the feud, the other side was mad. Friends of both sides were involved also. We were kind of left on our own to get established in a new place and make our own friends etc.
When he first started having health issues about 10 years later, we were ignored pretty much by both sides. Our kids were living in Texas by this time and they talked us into moving here. So basically we started over again. I hated to leave because I loved our town and home, but I needed help and it was difficult for the kids to travel back and forth all the time.
So, as JudithKB* and Joan said, it's not necessarily what you expect to be.
Midwestmn, I agree with JudithKB about not having friends when you move and lacking the social interaction with others your age. In my post I mentioned that I have no friendship in my new move. I am very lonely for someone in my new place to share conversations, lunch, shopping. Yes, my family is here, but they have their busy lives and I can't expect them to entertain me or be at my beckon call.
Here's another thing to think about if you are still driving. I've been gone for a week (someone else doing the driving) and it has shown me that there is no way I could drive, or learn how to drive, in a metropolitan area now. I am very comfortable driving in my local area where everything is less than two miles away but I have done no highway driving the past several years. Now that my husband is gone, I am free to do so but no longer feel very competent.
Dittos most of above. Came from west coast to midwest to be close to some family (hers). Huge dissappointment. Perhaps not the same for everyone but even some once very close friends of my wife have gone off the radar. Illness is funny stuff. There are those that rise up from nowhere and take interest and then theres the mixed bag of all the rest. If your leaving behind many close friends, that would require some serious thought as your family has their own life. My experience having moved my now stage 7 wife twice was a big upset for her or a step downward in her condition. Wish you all the best in your decision.
I am now planning to move with my dh to be near my children and grandchildren. I lived there back in the 90's and realize, those friends have moved on and family will be doing their own thing, but feel family will still be helpful in times of need. I will join quilt club, etc ., and get active while I can. I do worry about getting dh involved in something. He is no longer getting out here with anyone, he does need more inner action with other men. Moving is not for everyone, the best thing is get yourself out to church, sewing groups if you sew, cards, etc.,there are clubs for every interest, sometimes we have to hunt for those friendly people. Best of luck in finding your Sunshine. Bonnie
When I moved him across country my family encouraged the moved...and so very excited about it. But what it did was cause husband to decline so rapidly that when they saw the decline they backed off and shut us out! In addition to the decline it restricted me from joining clubs/church in establishing new friends. Bottom line...family isn't there...and friends weren't formed. I wish that I had never moved. It was the single most worst decision I make in this dementia journey.
PS....you will see by my comments to this post made in March how things are changing regarding family support. Sadly, as the disease progresses the support has vanished .
I'm sorry to hear family is not there for you. You are in a very bad situation. Call a church, speak to the pastor/priest. Explain your delimma, and you can't attend church but you need friends and help. My dh's family won't be there. Except for 3 of them that call rarely, we hear nothing from them, and nothing from the other 3. I do believe my family will be there for us. I'm praying you will make that call. Bonnie
I have spent a few weeks now checking out activities that I could get involved in here in the small city we live in,b it here is not much. I researched the city we are moving to and there is so much more for me there. For the next two Sundays I will be talking a course in that city and there are three other ladies taking it and I hope this will start something going. There is also a very active senior center so that will help. I am not much of a visit back and forth person but love to be involved in things like small courses where I can learn and meet. Since I have only moved here not two years ago, I have no friends yet as it is a very difficult place to join into a group. Very closed groups.
Jazzy, I'm thinking of you as you struggle with this. People ask me what I would do and where I would go after I place my dH. My answer is almost always the same - I'm staying right here for as long as I can maintain the place. We've only lived here for 6 years, and our children are an hour and a half away in the city. Most people just assume that I would move back to the city (where we moved from ) to be close to them. I know that I would not see them any more often if I lived in the city than I do now. I am happy here! I know that your situation is different and I hope that your love of learning new things will help you to adjust. Hugs Bonnie
Bonnie - you're doing what I'm doing, staying put at the cabin by the lake until I can't.
Daughter and family 1 1/2 hour away too, just far enough that I can't be a constant babysitter. I looked at where daughter lives and cost it all out....if I move there I would have to work full time. At the cabin I can get by just fine by working part time. Seeing how we all know how quickly you can go from well to sick I think I'll enjoy my well years to the fullest and being at work isn't it. I like being alone and puttering around my property and I'm fortunate to have good neighbours.