In Jan I hired some in home help for 3 days a week for 12 hours. The girls are wonderful, especially the one who cooks!!!!! So many done ahead meals..life saver. Here is the problem for Dear Abby, My brother in law came up in Feb to help with some painting. He has been wonderful. In the course of his time here, he met the girls and one of them he has started to date, shall we say. He is just a new 67 year old widower ( my sister in law dies at 38 of cancer) and the "girl" K is 53...and her divorce is not yet final...her situation is awful and she has mentioned they are at the split the assets level... So what is the problem? All the text calls....I don't care what they do "off the clock" but since my brother in law has been her this trip for 6 days, they are going out quite a lot and spending hours texting...Tomorrow is K's day here and my BIL said his train leaves in early afternoon and she will take him to the station...pardone me but she works for ME ! She can get here early and take you early but not on my clock.... What is starting to worry me now is that this team of helpers came to me by way of my running buddy and I don't want to hear that while they are taking care of her mother that my BIL and K are texting... Has anyone else had anything like this bubble up and how have you managed it? I would hate to have to terminate their service but if it comes to it....I will... Suggestions please....insight is needed...I am new at the in home help thing...
Mimi, I have an in-home caregiver for my DH and she is great. Because of the nature of their job, they become members of the family - sometimes warts and all. If this was my issue, I'd bring it up with the aid immediately that you'd heard she may be going to take your BIL to the train station and ask her to clarify for you. Maybe she was going to ask one of the other aids to stay with your DH while she is gone or Maybe she was planning to take your DH along with - possibly making that decision on her own. In any case, i'd recommend that you be very clear what you expect from her; that she follow the schedule you have set, that she get your permission before making any changes to the schedule or taking him out of your house, that she is always accessible by cell in case you need to reach her, etc.
Good luck with this. Although we really need the help they can provide, we need to be very clear regarding the boundaries of what we expect and what we will not tolerate. If she is careless, the safety of your DH may be in jeopardy.
Mimi,welcome to the world of aides...yours only spend a few hours a week with your DH but telephone calls and texting are a big problem with many aides, including those that only work a few hours/day or week and those that live-in 24/7. The aides I've had and known refer to caring for a dementia client as "jail". while they are caring for the patient they really have no flexibility and consider the hours they spend as "jail time". I have a live-in aide (24/7) for DH and when he first came he made/received calls all the time he was supposed to be caring for DH. Early on when DH was relatively good, the aide came with us when we went shopping to a market and talked on his phone the entire car ride there and when he was supposed to be supervising DH in the market. I stopped, faced him and said if you want this job then you need to get off the phone, accept no calls/texts and supervise my husband because that's what you're being paid for. He was not happy but complied. We dealt with this issue for several months (leaving DH anytime a call/text came in ). I finally said this was not tolerable and if it continued he would be fired. There was no reason he could not receive calls/texts or make calls/texts during a specific time of the day but it was unreasonable to take perhaps a hundred calls while he was being paid to care for DH.
I agree with Fiona, sit her down and tell her what you expect from her and that her job is first and foremost to care for your husband. You will not tolerate any activities that will take her focus away from your husband because after all that's why you're paying her. I would also recommend you speak with your BIL and tell him that she is being paid to help you with his brother and that your DH requires her full focus on him. He should not expect that while she is working for you and being paid by you that she should be engaged in "personal activities". If he needs a ride to the train station, he should hire a cab.
We had one aide that lasted only a few days. My wife complained she was on the computer (she brought her own) and her phone. Since my wife's attitude towards any aide is very important we stopped having her come. The head of the agency was surprised and said the aide claimed she was looking up movies at my wife's request. Thankfully my son was a witness and backed up my wife and said the aide was on the computer.
This is a very helpful thread. Now I know when hiring an aide to be very clear about the expectations and rules concerning texting/phones/computers. Also, having other casual eyes (such as paulc's son) observing. Thank you.
Things have smoothed out well. When it was time for BIL to leave, HE asked if K could take him to the train station. I said yes..was going to do a little test here....and I said to my DH why not ride along? To my surprise he was all for it. So off they went...and he and K were back within the hour( it takes about 20 minutes to get to the station one way). And I had to leave to make my rounds at the hospital ( I take communion to the Catholics) and when I got home, K and I had a long productive talk without my having to "lower any booms". She gave me great insight into her new relationship with my BIL..likes him but feels he is coming on too strong...told her when he texts her ignore his messages until later...she has a good head on her shoulders. And while I was away, she cleaned the floors, the bathroom and made the best chili for dinner....was it good!!!! She and the other girl ( they are ladies not kids) are the only two I have and I know the back up in case one gets sick. K keeps everyone informed of who is coming and we are introduced to each one before any come on their own. So far these two have worked out really well. I can let them go to the grocery store now for me..with a list...and receipts are given to me, they can take DH for hair cuts, and some other errands...They do not touch anything or go in any room they have not been invited into to help with...so far they have proven to be trustworthy.
I guess I'm pretty lucky. All the aides I have hired are efficient, pleasant, are very good with my wife, and look for things they can do to help me - doing the laundry,dishes, taking out trash, etc. I have fun looking to see what they have done. Last week one of them filled all my soap dispensers. They are completely honest, and when I ask them what I owe, are apt to give me a shorter time than I would (like 3 hours instead of 3 1/2). Over the past year I have used 5 different aides at one time or another. If one of them can't make her scheduled time she gives me plenty of notice, or in one case even arranged for her substitute.
Thanks all for the input..so far I feel really comfortable with the three I have..all are honest and one doesn't need to work so she is a fill in. I have been able to leave DH for a time and I can tell when I get back that they have done their jobs and not just sat and looked out the windows...And they are honest...I am going to have to see about how to get the payroll thing going now. I was giving them a trial for a couple of months first to see if they would work out. I do not trust agencies...and the girls I have work for my best friend and have been for the past almost 4 years with not a single problem... It is a far better alternative than a facility at this time and if it comes to it I can get 24 hour care with this team. It would mean a team of 7, extras to cover when someone falls out due to leave or illness etc. This is a valuable topic and I am sure many of our newer members will benefit from the conversations here too.
Mimi and Marsh, Where do you start looking for aides, particularly ones not from an agency? I'm not to that point just yet but the day is coming, and I well remember my MIL's aide stealing some jewelry years ago. I can see how this can be a godsend or a disaster.
My cousin's wife called their caregiver team leader and told her I needed help and needed it now. K called me and we met, talked, met the team that would work here...K has been with my cousin's mother who is 95 for more than 3 years. I see the tax lady tomorrow and will now talk about the issue of getting payroll going..I don't want to be on the wrong side of the IRS....and gave this team a 2.5 month trial before getting to the payroll status..how much more it is going to cost I don't know yet..The girls I have are NOT from an agency. Agencies scare me due to the theft we had when we had them for my parents. With this team I always know who is in my house and when...it does not change and no one falls out...
I got my first woman through a recomendation from someone in my support group. She is off the books. Told DH she was coming to help ME. The second is from an Agency. The franchise owner came to speak at a "Senior Circle" meeting at our local Hospital. I liked what I heard and signed up on the spot. I got 3 different people in the month but have now settled down with Karen.