Why does D son #1 and wife drive one hour to visit me, and not call in to see his dad who is just 10 mins away from here... They arrive at 11am have a coffee and leave at 11.45. I had a 70th birthday last month...no mention, no Happy birthday Mum...nothing, forgot, must have! Ok, I don't care about my big O birthday....just another day, but they could at least visit his dad. in the 8 months Dh has been in care DS has seen him twice.... Why!! Sorry , I had to get this out before I explode!
I wish I could answer your question. Sadly, many have children that simply can't face this and are wasting time not bothering to see the parent and will possibly live to regret it or they are just self absorbed and selfish.
Mimi...It's just hard to understand why they don't visit, The other kids are so supportive and caring. Yes, I think they are too self absorbed....they think it's all about them and no one else. Son is a chef and is a food consultant to an aged care facility, so he sees others like his dad, perhaps he can't face this...just upsets me.
I trend to agree with Mimi that they are slef absorded and selfish. It doesn't require much to pick up the phone and make a weekly well check call. As the Proverbs says, "you reap what you sow". There will be a time that they will regret this.
Thank you lulliebird... Yes turned 70 on Feb 13th....shhh...I wanted to delete it, that's why I didn't say anything here.. yes a phone call would be nice, they all have smart phones and IPads...etc. He goes a couple of months without ringing. Time is running out for his dad, I hope he doesn't let time pass by too much and live to regret it.
Julia Happy birthday!!! My mom turns 70 March 13th. She would delete this also. But it was your day! Anyway, the son will regret it later. I have seen so many people say "oh I should have done more". Then again another way for them to get attention. My DH's son lives 35 minuets away and has been to our house zero times in a year. He saw his dad 3 times on family events at others homes. He calls every 2 months. I listen as my DH tries to carry on a conversation. All he does (son) is talk about himself. It is frustrating.
Julia, just let go of things you have no control over. Those other people who don't do as they should will have to deal with their regrets and guilt someday. It is not and should not be your burden.
jackiem29, thank you. Gosh I am 1 month older than your Mum....you must be close to my daughters age , 50....so young to b going through this. Same here, get son talking about his job, and he'll talk for hours, but doesn't have time for his dad. I doubt that DH will know who son is next time he sees him.
Linda M*...so true Linda, I have been through enough of the guilts as it is...tomorrow is another day, I will get over it by then, thank you for your support.
the general excuse from family or kids is 'i cant stand to see him/her this way and prefer to remember them as they were'. well if thats the case these folks would be alone and never have any of us to watch over care or give them affection !! i agree some day the regrets will come back to haunt them. and i think its just. there really is no justified excuse for abandoning the sick or the ones caring for them. but we learn to live and deal.
i also tend to think that those of us who have been abandoned by family or kids, what type of example are they setting for their own kids and grandkids? they see and will learn to do the same if their own parents become sick one day. so yes karma may play an important part as 'what goes around comes around'. i am at least grateful that my own grandkids who do come to visit, have seen that we do not abandon the sick and include them in family functions with respect and affection to the very end. i hope it makes a difference in the way they will treat their loved ones in the future. divvi
Julia I am 51. My DH is 60. We have two daughters. My DH has a son and daughter from a previous marriage. Our girls are very attentive to their dad. His daughter is also. So I do have great support. Our oldst daughter and her husband are moving back to our state and living with us for a couple of months until they find a place. It is so nice to have someone to talk to again. It is hard for her, but she is a great help. I get to go places with her. My DH goes also, but I have a second pair of eyes. That's nice. I believe in karma also. It will come around to them. But that will be sad for them. My DH still remembers them, but I know it won't be long before he doesn't. So my step son is missing out. I do grieve my husband and marriage. I also have times I think what will I do when he is gone. I am young and cannot think of my future right now. I would love to work again and have that relationship with a husband. It will work out somehow I know. Right now I am having good days. Came out of a month of sadness. Could be because my daughter is here. But I will take it for whatever reason. Going to get a break in a week when DH's sister takes him for a couple of days. Yay!! Very excited.
Julia, it is tragic and some of our loved ones certainly deserve better than they get. I know how deeply it hurts and I am sorry you are having to deal with this. It use to eat me up, I tried and tried until it broke my heart. But now I have let it go. One day they will choke on their guilt.
Divvi I agree, the lame excuse that it's too hard to see them that way really pisses me off. Like it isn't hard for us? Losing one's spouse, soul mate, lover, partner and best friend isn't hard? I often wonder if they forget WHO they are saying that too. Pfffffft. It's a very lame excuse. And you are right too that it is no example to set for their own children.
What I have noticed at the nursing home is that if there is a living spouse, most children rarely, if ever visit. But if there is no spouse the children do step up to the plate and visit, often daily. I have yet to figure out why, either way it is still your parent! I suppose it is better than the other 60% who are completely abandoned and have nobody come to visit. Talk about heartbreaking :(
Here I go-being the devil's advocate again. My three adult children were always supportive and here for us. Their dad was an overly controlling well meaning parent. He was always strong for all of us. He was on hospice care for four long years. As he descended into the final stages my kids were heart broken to see what had become of their dad. I believe them when they said that shell of a person was not the person they wanted to remember. For a year I kept the last picture taken of him in my front room. It stayed there until my daughter asked me to replace it with the picture from his obit-which showed him in happier times. The final picture is in my bedroom and the happier one is where we can see it and smile.
Julia it is such an awful common thing that happens, though most of us seem to have this dilemma, and I take a bit of comfort when I hear it from all of you. (Especially you Linda Mc.)
I actually can feel myself starting to boil when people say they don't visit because they want to remember him as he was. Most of the time I feel that is just a lame excuse, and I echo Nikki a big long PFFFFFFTTTTTTT!
As to the whys, oh dear Julia we can wear ourselves out trying to figure that out. I am personally trying to forgive the anger that happened this past two years with non supportive people, or if I cannot forgive, to avoid them. The anger just eats me up , literally, and I hate it.
And I believe in most cases it just cannot be solved. I have talked and opened my heart until I am blue in the face, with my once again visiting "best friend" and her husband, they do not want to hear about what really helped last year in the crisis, about the just letting me be myself, to feel how I needed to feel at that time, and just lend a listening ear. Truly they should feel guilty for the way they treated me, and continue to do so. Even now, they are 6 weeks in to their two month visit, and have seen Dado ONCE!! I pick him up 3 times a week and park at the beach for two hours, it is really easy to come see him. And the one time they did, they kept looking at their watches, made jokes about his parroting, and left without saying goodbye, (Dado was looking out the car window as they left, waiting)
(OT, but to show how bad people can be...the husband has made subtle gestures in private to me, a small touch on the leg when I was sitting there. I am waiting for it to happen one more time, and I am going to reveal him and tell him to keep his hands off me.In front of her)
Sick yeah? Dear Julia you are such a gem, and you do have that wonderful daughter right? Treasure the dear ones that are there for you all, and thank God that not everyone is selfish. We love you.
I just watched that video Julia, it is one of the most wonderful things. At first I started to feel guilty, as I could not do that for Dado. But I knew as it went on, he is in much worse shape.
I LOVED the ending part, as he says, I CAN DO THIS NOW< I AM ABLE, and that he wants to die the day after her. Then when she speaks then too, it is so heart wrenching. Thank you for that.
Frankly, I will defend those who do not visit or want to remember them as they were. I come from a family of 9 - his two, her two and their 5. My dad's daughter never came and visited - thought she didn't like us or my mom who was 2 years older than her. She only showed up at his funeral. It was a few years later just before she died that I found out: he treated her the same way I was treated only he was an active drunk with her and a 'dry' drunk with me. My half-brother was also an alcholic and rarely showed up because my mom would not allow booze in the house.
My mom's 7 kids: First - After arriving in Oregon from California she was discovered by oldest sister crawling on the floor trying to get to the bathroom - she was weak from not having any food but peanut butter and cream cheese frosting. She moved in and took care of her. Youngest sister lived a couple hours drive away but were involved in their own lives and only made it over once a month or so and this time had been a couple months. She felt horrible but it was what it was and none of us were angry with her.
When our mom was old and sick, each had their way and most were to not visit at all. Two lived back east and never did see her the last few years. Youngest brother could not bring himself to see her often -it was just too painful for him. I did not fault him for this and loved him more cause he was honest. When she was in a nursing home close to my youngest sister she would visit weekly, then our oldest moved her to Vancouver which was 5 hours drive away. My youngest sister's husband had a towing business which meant it was hard to get away and she worked long hours. I never faulted her because they did not make it over often.
Before she got sick, my brother who is one year older than me and one of mom's favorites, spoiled by her cause he was sickly growing up - would visit her once a year saying it was his 'sonly' duty. Me, who lived much of the time 8 hours drive away, who was not mom or dad's favorite, would come visit every 3 months. Did I like watching her as she went downhill? No, but felt it my duty and I wanted to see her always hoping we could resolve the past. Never did but after she moved to Vancouver where it was an hour drive, I still only saw her about ever 3 months. When she was moved to Vancouver, 10 minute drive from brother's home, he still did not go visit her. I believe he just could not take watching her slowly die and from the day he married it was always about his in-laws. (she is so much about her family that she has a daughter-in-law she does not like well cause she insist they split holidays between families which does not go over well with my sister-in-law).
I do not feel any ill will against my siblings for not going to see mom often - we are all individuals with different makeups. We handled it in our own way. If they wanted to remember her the way she was, then that was their choice, their way to handle it.
From what many here say - I should be angry but our mom brought us up to think as individuals and I know she would not want us feeling guilt. She never made us go see our grandmother as she slipped into dementia ,although once I got my license I would drive the 2 hours monthly to see her. She would say 'it is what it is'. I only have anger towards my brother just a year older. His attitude was horrible but he is also detached from feelings. He laughs when I talk about all the teasing him and his friends did towards me when growing up and how it hurt. My mom supported it saying I must have deserved it. I thought when his wife had breast cancer, a very aggressive kind twice - he would change but he did not. And, I know he does not feel guilty about not seeing our mom. That is him.
Our kids - I am glad they are not around. It would just make it harder for me. Son calls husband and talks for 6 minutes most. I emailed him after the last call telling him his dad did not even remember it 2 minutes later. He had to check his phone to see the call before he would believe me that son phoned. Son's reply: At least I know I called. I don't want any regrets later. Big deal he calls when he won't remember. Big deal. I would rather he not call at all -stay out of our lives.
Daughter - she does not call and that is fine too. He gets upset enough when I read the chats to him about how messed up her life is. I know I shouldn't but he does remember some of what is going on in her life. But I still don't want her coming around because it would be about her, not her dad.
Maybe it does not bother me if they are not here or involved because of history. They were 1 and 2 when we adopted them and he never bonded with them. I found out years later that he was the 'absent' father cause he never wanted to adopt - if he couldn't have bio kids he didn't want any. He only went along with it cause I wanted kids and his parents wanted a boy to carry the family name on. Their growing up years were not easy and they have not let me forget BUT they see their dad was a great dad. Interesting how perception and reality can be different.
I have gotten long winded I know. But, I wonder why people get so upset when the kids become absent during this illness? My mom always told us we don't owe her anything. Do you get so upset because you feel the kids owe you or your spouse? You raised them to be individuals and now you are upset because they are handling it in their own way and not the way you feel they should? Yes, it maybe be selfish, but you know it is hard to watch someone you love wither away, die a slow death. And yes, we have to so - why shouldn't they? Because they are not the spouse. Do not expect our children to see them like we do. I know there are many of us that had bad or not so loving marriages that wish we could stay away too.
I know this will not be a favorite comment but I will say it: I think there is selfishness involved being angry at kids cause they are not doing what you think they should be. I think it may be selfish on your part for being angry at them for what you see as selfish behavior. I think the anger should be more directed at this disease and the burden it is putting on us to have to do it without any support or help from your adult children. We get tired of doing it alone, having all the responsiblity. By being so angry at them you are not making it any better. It is another ball and chain to drag you down.
I'm feeling much better this morning... Divvi...I agree, you bring your kids up by example. I see it already from one lot of g/kids to the others, son's two kids never ring or visit, both in their 20's, too busy out there having fun. Daughter's three kids who are 31, 29 and 18, call and visit, 29 year old will often text me, "thinking of you nana, love you " , she got married this year in January, is a grade one teacher but still has time to go see her grandad..same with the other two. Daughter Linda has been there for me / us all the way, today she is coming , a 1 hour drive to see her father and talk to his Dr's..
Jackiem29...my heart goes out to you. At least we have had that extra 15-20 years of good health. I happy for you that you have good family support, enjoy all the help you can get.. it's hard not to feel sad.
Nikki, I admire your strength and courage... Do they forget where they came from. I don't get it, again why, when their dad did everything he could for them, son had a restaurant and we helped out so much, DH made him round tables, I made the cloths for the tables...recoved nearly 100 chairs...seems like they are the ones with short term memory...
Bluedaze*...4 years on hospice is a long time...it must have been so hard to look at that last sad photo, i'm sure the happier one is lovely for them to see, you can cherish the other photo in the privacy of your own room. this brings home how sad this all is...
Coco...you have grown so strong, I will cherish my dear Linda and younger son, who are there for us. Younger ds has his partner here from Brazil, he is busy trying to get visas to marry, so she can live her permanetly, she is like a daughter to me, she comes with me to visit DH , even helped me cut his hair and finger nails on Saturday...she's a keeper! OMG Coco, how could that man do that...sick is right. What about that 2 person bicylce in the story ,,the DH had made to take his wife out ...so touching, I too for a moment that I should have kept DH home.
Charlotte, you have a right to your views..that's where this site helps us all get things off our chest and get our feeling out in the open rather than let it all build up inside us. I'm sorry to disagree with you. I think the kids should have more resepct for parents. I know they didn't ask to be born, we don't ask anything of them, they don't owe us anything either...but a little resepct for their father is all I'm asking of them. We did and helped them out when they needed it out of love, not because we expected anything back, we paid whenever we ate the their reatuarant I'm sad to read you never bonded with your kids. I was more upset than angry...i can see this is how it's going to be with them, so I will let it go. Thank you for your honesty, and sharing your story.
here again we see if one had a good decent loving relationship prior to AD either by family or ourselves it changes how we view some topics. i respect others opinions on the subject due to varying circumstances we have in our past lives, but for us i agree with julia. the kids were raised in a decent loving atmosphere and think their dad walked on water. until AD hit.it was not one of discord, bonding, or lack of affection. i agree a bit of respect is what we are looking for and by no means is that selfish. respect for what the parent represents is what we are after in my case. he may not know they are non responsive to his needs in this illness but i do. if we cant count on a bit of compassion and support from those closest to us, our family, then who. but like julia if makes me sad and angry that there has been little respect shown. and yes i think kids owe that much to the parents.
Divvi, My Dh was an abused child migrant, sent out here when he was 14, landed in an orphanage, couldn't speak a word of English. He had a rough start to life here in Aust, so many kids like him ended up in trouble or dead, but he had good morals, and lived by his motto of never give up. We raised the kids as best we knew how, we did every thing together, camping, holidays..etc.. I don't think a little respect is selfish or too much to ask. Last time DH saw our son, before Christmas he cried and kissed son's hand, he was so happy to see him... sorry to stir up emotions here..I respect everyone's views, we are all different on how we feel about things...
Respect, compassion and a little human decency. After reading your posts Charlotte, I can understand why you may feel that way, it makes me very sad for you though. But, as Divvi said, that just isn't the case with us either. Loving bonds, just bonds that could not withstand the hell of Alzheimer's it seems. I do feel it is selfish, but on their part, certainly not ours.
I wouldn't abandon a dog, I certainly wouldn't abandon my parents. Maybe that has mostly to do with the core of who I am. My morals and values. I had great role models. When my Grampa had to be placed in a nursing home due to dementia, my Dad went every day to visit. He had 7 children and worked full time. Yet he found the time to stop in a see him every day on his way home from work and on weekends took him for long rides.
Perhaps children do learn from the examples set for them by their parents. I know I did!
Lloyd's entire family came when it was convenient for them and that wasn't very often...UNTIL they knew he could die at any moment. Then they were like dog poo you couldn't scrape off the bottoms of your shoes. Now that he is gone, they have all gone back to their pretty little lives (which excludes me) where they can pretend that all's right with the world.
We did have the example of my mom driving every month the 60+ miles to see my grandmother. We had elderly neighbors that we helped out because we loved them and it was the right thing to do. But, we also had the freedom to make choices.
Every one deals with loss in different ways: some put their head in a hole; others go all out in seeing the person to the end; then there are those in between it all. There are people who can't stand the sight of blood, who can't stand the smell of poop or vomit; can not handle being around sick people; etc. Do you call these people selfish or disrespectful?
Unfortunately the baby boomers in general seem to have brought up the most selfish generation in our history. Far too many came from families that spoiled the - they were encourage to be involved in sports, activities, bought whatever they wanted often way beyond what their parents could afford. I have talked with countless parents who are at a loss why their kids are so selfish and only want from their parents. Then they add: 'we gave them everything they wanted growing up to make them happy, let them be in activities they wanted. We wanted them to have it easier than we did now they think they can have it all and not have to work for it.' And they wonder why?
Even if you did not bring your kids up like this, they were around other kids that were and often this mentality rubbed off. And look at the hit comedy shows - they show little respect for parents and elders - it is all about them. My kids did not grow up with much cause we didn't have the money, but my son very much has the attitude exhibited in the shows of today: I want it all now which has gotten him no where.
For those that are just too self absorb in their own world - well forget them. For those are say: 'I want to remember them as they were' - too bad they can't get into some couseling that will help them come to terms. But, I also know the damage it did to my youngest brother seeing our mom in the last few weeks and after she died. It was too much for him and to this day, 12 years later, he still can not get past it to remember her in her well days.
Where so many say they feel sorry for me or are sad - don't. I am glad I am the way I am. It did take counseling to get past being so upset and hurt when people let me down. Do I get upset - yes but I also have the tools now to not let it overcome me thus dragging me down. I do not have anger towards kids dragging me down like many here do. I do not have expectations of others (for here children and/or family) to act a certain way, the way I think they should act.
I urge you who are letting your kids and family behavior hurt and drag you down, to work on letting it go. It is added stress you do not need with all this disease puts on us.
There's a lot to what you say, Charlotte. And I might add - I often wish others did not expect things from me that I am unable to deliver. They've let me know the disappointment, but I cannot be this way for one and that way for another, I can only be me, to act and respond accordingly.
Charlotte... Since i started this thread, I have done a lot of thinking.....and working on letting my hurt and feelings go. I'm still disappointed with DS, but if that's how he's going to be..so be it!
Yes I wholeheartedly agree. To find any measure of peace you just have to let it go. It took time but I have. Now that doesn't mean I don't still hope karma comes around and sends a swift kick to their a$$ <big grin>