Sometimes an idea for a blog comes to me in a flash, because of something that happened in the moment. That's what happened this morning. I invite you to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and read today's blog. It's a bit of a long story, but I think it is quite symbolic of my life as an Alzheimer Spouse, and perhaps yours. Please post comments here.
I enjoyed your latest blog Joan. I removed my wedding ring several years ago because honestly I felt the same as you. It certainly did not represent a marriage relationship to me--far from it. I have gotten used to not having a wedding ring on. At first it felt weird but now it feels pretty natural. I guess we can get used to just about anything. Thanks for sharing your story.
you know joan, i felt the same when i looked at my wedding rings. i have opted to put them away as well. every so often i take them out clean them and wear them a while while in the house and its always a very nostalgic moment. somehow like you they dont feel the same. it was as if time stood still for those rings and it felt out of sync to wear them into the dementia world. i want to cherish that memory of happier times and will probably put them on again 'after'. dont ask me why, but it sounds right to me now to not wear them. like trying to keep that vision separate from what is now. its very sad to think like this but it is that way. it somehow lessens the pain of everyday AD for me and the caregiving. i also thought that just maybe its a survival tactic as well, taking the rings off would help me transition from what was to what will be before the actual moment comes to be.. widow. there is alot of psychological meanings to the rings, and for sure each of us has our own ideas about it all. in a velvet box, away from illness and the hurt they keep those memories safe. divvi
Well-Joan-for once I have to disagree with this statement: The fake ring, representing the fake marriage that Alzheimer’s Disease has left me with. Your marriage to Sid was very real. The disease has changed the essence of your marriage but not what once was.
I'm a little bit relieved to see I'm not the only one who put the rings in the jewelry box.
Several years ago but still well into our AD journey, I started having disturbing dreams when I was just drifting off to sleep which were always about someone being in the house and trying to sneak into my room to steal the wedding rings off my finger. I would jolt back to almost-awake, check for my rings, and go put them in the jewelry box. After many repetitions of this, I stopped putting them back on. Of course I see the dreams as being symbolic of my marriage being stolen from me. But in the light of day I still knew that the relationship had so changed that wearing them made me sad, and taking them off was a form of acknowledging my acceptance of the situation.
Now we are in stage 7. I will care for him til the end, but for many reasons I am living with the reality that my wonderful marriage is a past tense part of my life, and I'm moving on.
Sorry Joan, I'm with bluedaze* on this subject. I will wear my rings with pride till the day I die...we made a commitment 50+ years ago, we had a wonderful marriage ...and the rings represent that commitment.
I agree with Nora. No, our marriage isn't what it once was and never will be again. To me, the rings signify the happy times, the good times, the commitment to each other. DH had lost weight in his fingers and he kept 'losing' his ring. Finally got it sized again and it fits ok now. But he was really upset while he couldn't wear it and would ask me where it was, where mine was - and I'd show him mine, then tell him we were getting his fixed. He was so happy when he finally got his back. I know..somewhere...inside...he knows what those rings mean - and I surely do.
While our lives have changed because of this horrific disease, our love and commitment to marriage has not. Wear my rings with the love and pride as I did 51 years ago. Interesting to note, when my DH asks who I am and I tell him, "I am your wife", he smiles and I notice he touches his wedding ring which has not been removed from his finger since 1961.Yes the love is different, yes he does not know who I am.....but I know who he is. Of course, I would not judge anyone who would do differently...I am just sharing what works for us.
Interesting subject that is evoking polarized responses! The rings are a very potent symbol, aren't they? None of us are "wrong," but how we manage the emotional quagmire of Alzheimer-spousing is very individual.
Like the whole "emotional divorce" concept, or whether we'd consider dating, or anything else--different people, different ways of managing. I feel like it's safe to say that any of us who are regular posters on this Board recognize that when others differ from us on how we feel, or how we handle these questions--it's no sign of a lack of commitment...it's just that we do what we gotta do.
Wow! I did not give two hoots about my wedding ring, it was simply a social custom and, for 99.99% of the time I never wear any jewelry, never earrings, rarely if ever a bracelet or watch and only on occasion an old necklace that belonged to my mother. It was a time when being a wife meant being a reflection of your husband. I had to have his permission to open a charge acct, if I called a plumber, he'd want to speak to the man of the house--on and on about this or that--very annoying, stifling.
When I had to have a hysterectomy, he signed a paper that, as the husband, he said it was OK for me to be sterile! Do they still do that! Could he have said 'no.' Yeah, so sometimes a wife had to get her husband's permission, so I'd lie about him or being married. When I had an auto accident, I could not collect any compensation because they said that some female relative could care for my children if I couldn't, but my husband could collect because he was denied his connubial rights! And collect we did. Altho I said, 'yes, of course' to women's lib, don't put artificial barriers in our way, I never meant it should be war of the sexes on steroids. I like men--a lot. But I maneuvered quite well, going my independent way and getting around any silly customs, using my feminine wiles to get whatever I wanted--if those were the rules, so be it. I'd play and I'd win. And DH was not about to put me in a gilded cage, I would never have married such a putz. There was never any question that we loved each other and were absolutely committed to our marriage--rings or not.
One day he took off his ring because. When I asked 'why?' he said, he always worked around machines and men have been known to get rings caught and I felt, 'Ok,' it didn't matter. Then he became a Mason and wore that ring like a wedding ring, just like his father did, and I thought, 'whoa, down, a ring's a ring,' but that, soon, was also removed and years later he never remembered what it was and I accidentally sold it for the gold! Along the way I took off my ring too, and he never noticed. It was liberating. I didn't know that all along many of his 'actions' were really subtle symptoms of AD, and in my way, I was reacting to them. It didn't change my heart.
Well into DH's AD, I was sitting alone on a park bench, no ring, when a man came over, started talking and asked if I was married. I knew what he meant and I was certainly not offended, but I didn't know how to answer. Committed to my husband, the man I loved, yes, that I would care for and protect him to my last breath, yes, but married? Does a piece of paper, a ring, living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed make a marriage? Without regret, I said, 'yes, I'm married,' he went his way and I stayed on the bench. I think that's when I began calling myself 'a married widow.'
So we all vow 'til death do us part,' but what happens when we are both, technically, alive but the marriage has died, thru no fault of our own. My daughter used to say that I was living in limbo--and that's how it felt. Committed to him--absolutely, no question, but married? We were married 53 yrs when he died, I'd never have left him.
Ron sent his ring home with me whe it kept falling off. Then in July he passed away. Except when my first band had to be cut off because of an injury (we relaced it) I wore my ring always. Last fall, as I was cleaning my rings again, from ointment gotten on them. I decided a better place for them was with his band, in a box eventually to be given to our daughter. The "Family ring he'd chosen for me in the 90's I had orn nextk to my wedding band. The rings his and mine symblize our marriage, but that is done now. Now on that hand, but not onthat finger I weartwo lothers. One is a stainless band inscribed "Love, Now and forever". the other a stainless band bearing a quote from Helen Keller--"All that we love deeply becomes a part of us."
I did something different then has been expressed (unless I missed something when I was reading the responses to Joan's blog). The rings Jim bought me I never really cared for and the ring I bought him I loved. When he passed I took my rings off and I could never get them back on....I did this just to try his ring on because I always loved it so. Well...it fit and I am wearing it now and have no intention of taking it off at this time. It makes me feel very close to him...like I am sending him a message...see we are still one. It is a thick gold band with 8 diamonds running across the top. He loved his ring and I never saw him take it off.
I stopped wearing my wedding rings after I placed Steve 20 months ago. Once we weren't living together anymore, I guess I didn't feel right wearing them. What I did was to take his wedding ring and have a diamond he had given me set into it, had it re-sized to fit my right hand. I don't wear it every day, but when I do, I enjoy it because it's a combo of his ring with a surprise gift (the diamond) that he gave me. Like JudithKB* said, wearing his ring makes me feel close to him. I now treasure all the jewelry he gave me over the years, even more than ever.
When I became engaged, in 1976, my groom to be presented me with a wedding set and said " I want others to know that at 500 yards you are spoken for!!" It was a set that was 2CTW. Neither of us knew much about diamonds and as it turned out, while the setting is really nice, the diamonds are not eye clean...SI3s do not belong in jewelery. I had since worked in a jewelery store and learned a LOT about diamonds and colored gems. I love the rings and what a set of ice they are ( unless you look closely and can see carbon and occlusions with the naked eye..not good). After DH learned about diamonds, he bought a gift for me for Christmas. a 2 Ct European Cut diamond. I would wear it with a gold band that had gold nuggets set in a channel setting..nuggets he panned for in AZ, CA, NM..his favorite hobby. Still the 6 prong head did not let the rings mesh together very well and when my nuggets started to wear smooth I retired that ring to a gold chain. It took 22 years to find the right semi mount but find it I did 4 years ago...and it sits on top with many diamonds surrounding it...there is no other band..DH had given me some $$$.00 for my birthday. Well that semi mount cost quite a bit so I paid for it and his birthday gift just about covered the sales tax..yes it is quite expensive and he loves it. But when I took to wearing a cheap little band for every day ( I only wear the large diamond when I go to church or out to dinner) he got me a little set ( the last gift he ever got for me on his own) which has a nice little diamond in a similar setting plus the little band..." for your every day rings" And I love them but as Joan mentioned, I got a reaction from them, breaking out..don't know if it is an alloy in the metal or just moisture. So last year I found a little band with little diamonds in white gold..ring was on consignment yet....and that now is my every day ring. He wants me to wear diamonds on my left hand... : ) Our marriage, as a marriage would normally be defined is gone, just as are everyone's around these here parts...but my rings mean so much to me and I still wear them... I have my mother's rings to and now and then I wear hers cuz as a kid I loved them and they remind me of her too. I think I will always wear that ring....maybe later not on the wedding finger but I love my rings, they make me happy...the sparkle they emit are reminders of what a gem of a guy I married 36 years ago.
Time for a guy's point of view Both rings came off a long time ago. Was there any meaning to them? Not really [to me] marriage was more about the relationship and commitment than any jewelry.
Now that AD confusion reigns supreme, I really wish she would remember that we are actually married (at least once in awhile)
"Are you happy to be married to me?" "No, we are not married"
"We can live together now because we are married." "No we're not"
"How long have we been married now?" "When did we get married . . . . ?"
The rings, ear rings & necklaces are all put away. I dont feel like fooling with them but I guess that she does feel a feminine need to wear some jewelry. I bought her a watch 3-4 years ago when the AD started, it has the day and date and the hope was that it would keep her oriented. We are long past that stage and she constantly resets it enough that it has no accuracy, but it still ticks AND she likes to wear it. (as a jewelery thing I think)
So when I want to 'prove' to her that we are in fact married, I show her the watches. ;-)
"I love you and you can that tell we are married because we are both wearing watches . . . . " "See you have a watch and so do I and my parents are both wearing a watch, so they are married too" "Married people wear watches . . . ."
We had very little money when we got married but did manage a nice ring for me with six tiny diamonds. He got a plain gold band. Except for his time in basic training for the U. S. Army he never took his ring off. When we had been married 40 years he bought a beautiful diamond solitaire and a gold band for me. A couple years later for my 60th birthday he added a 12 diamond ring guard which I had welded to the solitaire making a really pretty ring. He wore his college ring on his right hand. All of the family was with him when he breathed his last. The nurse took his rings off and handed them to me. I gave the college ring to our son who had asked for it many years ago. I put his ring on my left hand ring finger and by slipping mine on next I can keep it on. I'm glad to see others are still wearing their rings. I don't know if I always will but right now with grief still hanging over me like a heavy fog I find comfort in having them on. We were married 60 + years all but the last 2 - 3 years were very happy. I choose to remember those days . Sometimes I wear my original wedding ring on my right hand little finger because that is the only finger I can get it on.
I wear my wedding rings with an anniversary ring he gave me when our son was born. I don't see myself removing my rings anytime soon even though the man I live with is not really my husband anymore. My husband never wore a wedding ring. My sister wore her wedding ring for years after her husband passed away.
My DH still knows that we are married and comments on my rings sometimes so, though our relationship is nothing like it once was, I won't remove my rings. Mostly, though, I don't want to delve too deeply into what my heart is feeling. I just want to 'take care of business' without thinking too much about how that wonderful connection, that feeling of being "home" has all just disappeared. I'm a coward emotionally, I accept this and, in this situation, it is serving me well. Hugs to all.
I am wondering whether there is any correlation between continuing to wear wedding rings with wanting to be or being in a new relationship? Perhaps some who have been able to move on emotionally (while still treasuring the memories of what was) see wearing the rings as confusing the issue? Especially if the AD spouse is still living?
When I write my blogs, I never know which ones will elicit responses. I guess this one really hit home for a lot of people.
Anyway, I want to clairfy my main point. I did not all of a sudden voluntarily remove my ring. Florida heat and humidity did that for me. It was on a cool, dry day, when I decided to put it back on, that I realized, when I saw it on my finger, that all the memories it represented were too much for me to bear. We no longer have the marriage the ring (rings) represent, so I put them back into the jewlery box, and continued to wear the cubic zirconia QVC ring that seems to represent what Alzheimer's has made my marriage - an imitation of the real thing.
Thank you Joan for having the courage to raise an obviously touchy topic. I do not think you have to defend yourself. What you shared is something I have been grappling with for some time and did not have the courage to raise it with anyone. Thank you everyone for your courage also to share differing opinions.
My husband has been in a facility for over a year now and I still wear my ring. I often wonder why and in my heart would like to take it off. My wedding ring symbolizes a marriage. Ours has been over for a long time due to this disease. I visit a man who physically resembles "my husband" however we relate more like an adult and child.
I am with you Joan when you wrote, "Alzheimer's has made my marriage - an imitation of the real thing."
I am so proud of each one of us. Differing opinions and acceptance of all answers. Some of us had wonderful marriages and supportive families and others not so. As we have said so often-when you have seen one dementia victim you have seen one dementia victim. So goes it with us as individuals.
Joan, I completely understood your message about your marriage being an imitation of what it once was and I totally agree with you. I greatly admire your strength in being able to continuously name and feel your pain. I'm so afraid that I would break if I went to that place very often.
I cannot and will not remove my rings while he is still alive. Yes, our marriage is very different today after the dementia devil stole it but the rings (mine and his) symbolize our love, commitment and yes, struggles. He often says to me out of the blue "I gave you that ring" with a huge smile on his face and in his eyes and I always respond how lucky I am to be married to him. He often looks at his ring and says he belongs to me. For us it's a wonderful reminder of the love we had and the commitments we made.
My rings are in the jewelery case, but mainly because of arthritis in my fingers which makes it hard to get them on and off. But, It is hard for me to write this, because in my heart I feel like the man I married is gone. I am taking care of a person that 75% of the time is not someone I know. He tells me I'm his beautiful wife in one breath and then yells at me in the next because I am trying to keep him from driving and says I should divorce him. Part of me wants to just say something negative, but I just remind him of our vows - till death do us part. Maybe things will change, but right now I have a hard time loving this person I'm caring for!
My DH and I got new rings on our 25th anniversary (13 years ago). I keep the old one's in the jewelry case. I don't wear the "new" engagement ring anymore, but I do wear the wedding band, and he still wears his, although he doesn't know it's a wedding band. When his journey is over, I plan to wear his wedding band on a white gold chain around my neck. Do we still have a marriage? Nope! To me, they represent the commitment, and the wonderful, loving marriage we had. I totally get why others take theirs off, I've contemplated it myself. Once again, for me it's a personal preference. Bluedaze...I'm proud of us, too.
Joan, this was a very touching piece. I assume that I will wear my ring as long as my wife is alive. But perhaps I will take it off when we are no long able to live together. Don't know.
Bettyhear*, I must be of another generation. My wife never needed my permission to be on the pill. Or to have a medical procedure by obgyn that had the side effect of her not being able to be safely pregnant again. Then again, I didn't need her permission for a vasectamy. As to the auto accident, that is weird, I remember in school in 1973 my business teacher talking about the importance for stay-at-home moms to have life insurance and going over costs of hiring someone to do her work.
I understand the "fake marriage" statement very well. In fact, those words practically jumped off the screen and kicked me in the gut. You put words to my feelings! It does not berate our marriage or what once was....it is simply the truth. We are not a "man and wife" any longer. He is becoming more and more childlike and I am his caregiver, protector, advocate and his voice. Legally and technically I am still his wife and honor him as my husband. In reality...let's just say....I LOVE the title of the book: A Curious Kind of Widow. That is how I feel because although I see to it that HIS needs are met....I am alone.
Paulc: It was sometimes difficult for me to understand my parents young lives and I think that's true of every generation. Of course, there was NO pill and in some places it was against the law for doctors to tell women about birth control-- which was, essentially, a douche bag or a crust of bread soaked in vinegar--or I don't know what. As one doctor said - the only thing that belongs in there is what nature intended. Condoms were hidden in pharmacies and the way teen-aged boys got them is if one worked in the store and knew where they were kept. And they were critical to use. If your girl got pregnant, it would be a shotgun marriage. Bravo for your teacher saying mothers needed life insurance, she probably had children herself, but that was 1973. When I was young, as soon as a teacher began to show she was pregnant, she stopped teaching. I was working for an insurance company in 1950 and when I asked one of the agents about getting insurance for myself, he laughed. Again, he said some female would take over whatever I was doing--essentially it wasn't significant, not like my husband who got money for what he did. When we bought our first house and I said I was also working, I was told that it didn't matter, I'd soon get pregnant and stay home. My salary never became part of the purchase. And we never knew what sex our child would be. When I mentioned that to a young pregnant woman recently, she was offended and said, 'well, I wouldn't like that!'
Condoms were invented many many generations ago, not for birth control, but for married men to use with prostitutes so that they did not bring sexual diseases home to their wives. After 6, 8, 10 children, many a wife said that the playground was closed. Such large families, like both of my g'mothers, were common place hundreds of years ago, if they even lived, not so much today. Without doing a survey, I think almost half the young people today are not having children, or at best just one or two.
I don't know when vasectomies became common, but it was never a 2-way street. Men didn't need permission from wives for anything, including selling the house. I've been thinking a lot about how & when things for my generation began to change; after WWII, mid-century, some good, some not so good. I may write an OT about more, but not right now. But, yes, you are from another generation, just as I was from my parents. Hard to understand.
Every story you told was full of happiness in the moment. The disease is real too and it only knows how to destroy.
There is only one truth. Sid would love you now if body and soul were able. And Sid would die inside if he knew what this was doing to you. You know that. So many of us know that for all of us.
The rings are the truth. While so much has been lost and so much endured that even what we see is altered, the rings are unchanged and the real truth of them is what the disease is now trying to take.
You must reclaim them when you can because they mean so much to you and I believe in years to come your fight for him and what is being endured will diminish but the love of Sid going back because he wanted you to have the ring he knew you loved will still be the truth about what that ring is about. His love is in those rings in a real way and that truth will become increasingly valuable I believe.
I have never worn a ring and I gave her rings to friends and family that loved her who wanted one. But I understand the symbols that both have meaning and hurt. And I understand the conflicts our memories are often in because I'm in them too. I hope one day to assimilate the bad year's memories so they no longer interfere with the good years. Alzheimer's is a very serious disease for both to endure as we all know. I doubt almost anyone understands the traumatic shock of even one of the hundreds of horrifying moments we go through. When we realize they can't write. When we see they don't know what the phone is. When we're shocked by any one moment of strangeness in them. "Are you a musician?" she asked me one day out of the blue. We all know.
Be kind to yourself my friends. We are going through a lot.
I ended up putting my ring back on. When I was working, doing my paper route. My ring would get stuck on my finger in the hot summer and almost fall off in the winter. So I took it off and ended up keeping it off. And when I had to leave work to care for DH. I put it back on. To remind myself why I am doing what I am doing. For better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.
Funny, what one little ring can make us think and feel. No right or wrong, just our feelings.
When I got engaged my DH was in the Navy & couldn't afford much so my engagement ring had a teeny tiny diamond, but I didn't care. I had a diamond ring & I was engaged! 10 years later a few weeks after our 3rd child was born I was folding laundry & looked at my ring & the teeny tiny diamond was GONE! I started to cry & my DH, thinking it was just another bout of postpartum blues said in an irritated voice, “Now what's wrong?” I showed him my ring & he immediately felt terrible. On Mother's Day he gave me my ring back with a new teeny tiny diamond in it & I was so happy. Another 10 years later the diamond went missing again & this time I told him not to replace it because I am too careless with expensive jewelry. We also had matching wide bands, which I still have. I bought a cheap (& I mean CHEAP) cubic to wear with the wide band. The actual rings don't have meaning for me, it's what they symbolize. I want people to know that I am married. Like everyone else here says.....it's a different kind of marriage, but marriage it is. Don't know how I will handle it after he is gone, but for now, the rings stay on.
I have always loved my wedding ring . It's very unusual and beautiful. DH passed away last April but I still wear the ring and always intend to wear it.
I appreciate your open and honest discussion about wedding rings. This really hit home for me because only recently did I learn that I am not unique in not wearing my beautiful diamonds.
I didn't stop wearing my rings at once, but rather stopped wearing them in stages. I slowly stopped wearing my rings less and less when my husband moved out of our bedroom 5 years ago without explanation or discussion other than "I snored". (I may add my family members have all concurred that they have never heard me snore)! Several months later, he moved his clothers out of our huge walk-in closet and also opted to not share our master bathroom but rather to use the guest bathroom. This was many years ago before he was dx with FTD. My husband no longer had any sexual desires for me. I was crushed. I was hurt. I felt rejected. I thought he was embarrased about not having sex or communication with me because he was aged and maybe had erectile disfunction. HA...not!
He has FTD-- His libido is not that of an old man, but a teenage boy who craves erotic activities and had spent thousands. I will NEVER EVER slip those rings on again. He traded me in for a paid whore. He has spent thousands ($120.00 an hour) over years.
I will care for him? Why? Perhaps out of duty?....perhaps out of pity? No, I will never wear those wedding rings. He played a charade at my expense. I am not a game player and I will never wear them. Maried only on paper here. And YES, the wife is always the last to know.
Gotta say, you really explained well what each of those rings meant to you. I would suggest you keep your special ones as little 'treasures' that are your very own. Keep them like Divvi suggested, maybe in a velvet box, away from illness and the hurt, they keep those memories safe," ...the memories that some day will again bring you some joy are being saved in those special rings. Right now, their comfort is lost in the fog of this disease and this awful time in your life. You should go with the decision you made that comforts you now. Keep your "treasures" safe, as I suspect you are, and make the most out of the fog. Hugs to you, and then some more.
A couple of years ago my wife kept taking off her engagement ring. I was afraid she would lose it so I took it off and put it in her jewelry box. Then she started playing with her wedding band, so I took that off. Now she has no rings. Since she is not wearing any jewelry I gave most of it to our kids (mostly the daughters). I still wear my wedding band and intend to as long as she is alive, and probably after that as well. Some of my male friends have only taken their wedding bands off, after the wife died, when they were ready to start dating again.