I am getting a puppy for myself for company. The reason I feel that is interesting enough to write about is...when he was first diagnosed I was told that animals are a good thing for the person with the disease but every time I tried to get one he said he didn't want one so I just kept putting it off but the more and longer this goes on the more I think I will just get one for myself and keep telling him that it is my dog and see what happens. I don't know...that doesn't sound right but all I know is that I NEED SOMETHING to love. What do you think? The mamma dog is pregnant now so it wouldn't be for another 5 months or so.
For what it is worth, I'd say wait. Before we knew Jim had AD we adopted a little rescue dog. He loved her from the moment he spotted her, even though she had pneumonia, worms, fleas, and thought she was brown (turned out she was a little platinum blonde covered in dirt). He's crazy about her, often waking up in the middle of the night to pet her.
BUT she needs a lot of my attention. Yes, she helps us go on our two walks a day. But I have so much to do, including the weighty and time-consuming task of keeping myself sane, that her needs end up last on the list. Between the two of them, there is never a quiet moment. You will have to do ALL the caretaking for her. Also, money is an issue for us and just last week we spent over $500 on tests for her kidney. They also discovered she has a cracked molar and need her teeth deep cleaned -- another $800.
I'm very worried that he will leave the gate open and she'll get out...she's impossible to train because he can't remember what to do consistently...she gets way too many treats because he can't remember that he just gave her one...when he gets upset at something (which is at least daily), she cowers and hides...oh well, the list goes on and on.
Don't get me wrong, I love her to bits too. But if I'd known how much time and energy I'd need for Jim, I would never have made this commitment. I know it sounds so comforting to have a little bundle to love and hold, and it is, but I guess the question is, will the emotional burden, added expense and extra work lighten your load or add to it at this point?
deb, bunny raises some very practical issues associated with having a dog. We have a Boston Terrier who I love to death and so did DH before FTD and in the early stages of his disease, however now I have to watch everytime he is around the dog because I never know what he will do to the dog. He's hit him very hard, sat on him, carried the dog across the room by his collar almost strangling him and would definitely just let him out the door never to return. I believe his FTD symptoms (lack of impulse control, etc) have made him intolerant of the dog. So my work is doubled because I cannot leave him with the dog unsupervised. It's amazing how quickly and without warning that something happens.
Also remember if you get a puppy, you will have housebreaking to do whch is time consuming and how will your DH tolerate the mess? And vet cost do add up and can be quite expensive, particularly as financial resources start to dwindle due to the high cost of care for our spouses.
Just know the unconditional love of a dog comes at a high price.
All good advice. We've had our Millie 10 years. She's a precious one. Was always Dh's. She loved him to death and he, her. They still get along fine, but he sometimes doesn't recognize who/what she is and will tell me to get that 'thing' off the bed (she has always slept at the foot of our bed). He always walked her - now can hardly walk himself. It's all on me, now. I feed her, walk her, carry her up the stairs at night - sometimes she can't make it - clean up mess, rarely does that happen. But, as much as I love her, I would not get another while Dh is in this condition.
We have four pets, two cats and two dogs. They are all older. And have been with DH through all of this. They all know to get out of his way, and if things get to exciting around here they all know to run for cover.They are trained not to go out the front door when he leaves it open. The back gate has a lock on it. I would not get a puppy or kitten, myself right now. Have you thought about looking for an older dog. You would need a settled, calm, relaxed dog. One that was crate trained would help too. I put the dogs up sometimes to give DH some quite time. And the girls like it too, cookies and nap time :)
I fully understand the need to have someone to love you back, just think long and hard. It would be sad to get the puppy and then have to give it back because it was to much.
Three days before Lloyd died, Alex brought home a dog from the Humane Society. When I need to be alone, I walk Bruno - sometimes as many as four times a day. He was always checking on Lloyd, putting his front paws on the bed just to look at him and licking his feet. If someone came that he didn't like, he would get between them and the bed. He is mostly black and a mix of Shepherd, Rottweiler, and maybe a little Husky. He is Grandma's buddy and I don't know what I would do without him now. He still has a lot to learn, but we're working on it.
We have always had German shepherds, and our Jessie will be nine the last day of this month. I truly don't know what I'd do without her. Jim loves her now even more than before the AD, and she often jumps up to sleep next to him while he's watching tv in bed (which is most of the time). She is really my dog, though, because I've always had the care and feeding of her. As an only child, I grew up with a dog, and now as a lonely wife, she is my rock. I don't know what I'll do when she is gone. It makes me even sadder than I already am just to think about it. Having said all that, I can certainly remember what a handul she was as a puppy who liked chewing everything in sight. Deb, you might want to consider a year-old dog, still very much a pup, but over the chewy, poopy, bitey stage. I won't be one who discourages having a dog, but you'd better be a dog lover. It's a real commitment.
We'd always had dogs, but our last dog, Keza, had gone to puppy heaven and we didn't have one as DH advanced w/AD. But he seemed at sea, I thought he needed 'something,' a focus so we went to the puppy orphanage and got 18 month old 'Sophie.' No puppy, didn't have time or temperment to train at that point. Both dogs were big 85 pounders. It was a wonderful decision. A lot depends on the stage of your DH, your house set up, yard, etc. But he took care of her for some years until he no longer could and then she was there for me when he was placed and later died. She was a great comfort. I had no pets for a while, then inherited a 10 y.o. cat. Never had cats, but we both adapted and now we are best buds. So now I'm an old lady with a cat. Yes, pets are a responsibility and w/an AD spouse, it is an added chore, but sometimes it's a good balance, it's all about personal choices. Deb, I feel your empty arms, do what you think is best for your life, the only other advice is to get a young dog, no more than 2, already trained and wishing for a loving home.
PS - Dog rescues will usually ask that you bring the dog back if it doesn't work rather than give it away. So you'll know it can go back to safety.
Before my Gracie I had two wonderful red cats-one a 28lb Maine Coon. Sadly I lost them both. With my husband in a facility I was lost and alone. On a whim I peeked into PetSmart and came home with Gracie. My family and friends say she was there for me to love. After Bill passed we had prayer services in my home. Gracie greeted every one and just watching my sweet cat took the edge off of the sadness. I know cats are easier to care for than dogs. I couldn't bear to come home to an empty house. Gracie has been my saving grace.
We've always had at least two dogs. Our Golden Twisty (who has since crossed over the Rainbow Bridge) seemed to know Claude was getting worse and seldom left his side. The last three days or so, he slept at the foot of the hospital bed and didn't leave except to eat and go potty. He grieved right along with the rest of us.
If you decide to get a dog, rather than a puppy which is a lot of work (more than you can imagine, trust me!!!), go to your local shelter or rescue group and give a stray a forever home.
I have to agree about an older dog! We got a 5 month old yorkie in January. My DH loves him so much and I know it's wonderful for him, but this morning when I came down for my coffee some nice "surprises" we're waiting for me! So before I could have my coffee I had to clean up the accidents. The puppy only weighs 4 pounds so the vet has suggested we use the piddle pads until the weather warms up. We are in the northeast. I hope I last until the warm weather. Amazing how a 4 pound puppy could be so much work! And my husband is still relatively okay physically (his issues are cognitive at this point) and adores the puppy. Don't know how I would manage taking care of physical needs of husband and dog.
Lady golfer, our 17 lb. Shih Tzu uses the piddle pad during the night if she needs to go. I started her early on since we sleep upstairs and DH had just been DX'd. I put a waterproof piece down in the bathroom, then the pad, so in case she should 'miss' the pad, the other pad takes care of the rest. It is so helpful, especially now, 9 years later. I don't have to worry about getting up to take her out - and she will go potty in the bathroom overnight whenever she needs to go - and she's a late sleeper too! The pads will be a big help.
We also use the piddle pads for the 7 lb 7year old poodle. He can't make it through the night and no one wants to get up or clean up the puddles. He is our daughter's dog and he came with her when she moved in with us 2 1/2 years ago.
Wow! Thank you for all your responses. I would prefer a cat but I am allergic to them and have never even been able to be around them. I tried adopting a dog but the animal shelter and humane society won't give me one because I don't have a fenced in yard. I live in an apartment and need to have something small. I know that it is going to be hard work but my DH can still fend for himself pretty much, if I wait until he can't then, I agree, it would be a bad idea. All I know is that I am very, very lonely and that loneliness makes me angry at my DH, which is stupid! I don't know what else to do? I cry every day and it is not getting better any time soon. The only other thing that I can think of is have an affair and I don't want to do that. I know that technically it wouldn't even be having an affair but I would feel like it is.
I am just rambling because I don't know what else to do. Today my H is 75 years old and last year at this time I thought he was close to death but now he looks like he is going to live for a long time and I feel like crap! Every day I wait up hoping that this will be the day and most of you are lovingly taking care of your DH's and not looking forward to that day. I just want a life again and the only way that I can get that is for him to be gone, that thought is killing me! I hate myself for feeling this way but how else am I suppose to feel, I am only human!
deb, I don't think at this time getting a dog is a good idea for several reasons:
1. owning a pet is a long commitment of caring for an animal that is dependent upon you
2. owning a pet requires time ...training, walking, and playing
3. owning a pet requires additional money for food, vet visits and licensing, grooming, and medical vaccines
4. owning a pet requires work...cleaning up after them.
I own a small elderly dog who is insulin dependent. He requires eating 2 meals daily (special diet dog food) every day at the same time. He requires two insulin shots every day. In addition he needs to be monitered regularly for gluose levels. I love him very much, but with an husband who is failing and needing care I can not devote as much time to my poor sweet dog as I would like to.
Please think this decision over very carefully because it is a commitment that you will be embarking on for many many years.
Oh Deb....I just read your last post. Please don't feel guilty. I understand your loneinless...I am very much alone also. I am very angry at my husband and have some of the same thoughts that you have. Take heart perhaps tomorrow will be a better day. ((hugs))
lulliebird, thank you for these wise words and I will think about what you said. I just feel like I am dying inside and I already tried fish but that didn't work. I names them, I talked to them, the only thing I couldn't do with them is hold them. I just feel like a glorified babysitter...not a woman, not a wife, not a person at all. I can easily go several days without talking to a soul and the thought that it is only going to get worse from here is paralyzing. Like I said I have 5 months to think about it and I will probably change my mind a few times before then. Who knows my H might even have died by then...who knows.
deb, Only you can know for sure if this will work. Funny how what is a chore for one person is not for another. And you have good advice to work from here. You have five months to think about it. You sure are not jumping into anything. Read up on puppy care and find the things that will work for you. I never have used the piddle pads, but they sound like they are a great help. I do put my dogs in crates when we are out of the house or if we/DH needs quiet time. And really often times I find my older girl in hers as she wants some quiet time. I leave the doors open and they do sleep in them through out the day. I always give them a cookie when I put them in so they love their crates and they are right by my side of the bed. Or a baby gate to keep the puppy in the kitchen on tile floor, can't use a baby gate anymore one of my girls like to jump over it!
Best of luck on all of this, and you are not having any thoughts that many of us have had at one time or another. This is a strange place to be in and I often think AD messes with our heads. I know I don't think about things the way I use to. Only others like us can understand.
blue, it is a fact that no one else could possibly understand the way we feel except for each other. I plan on getting the dog training for dummies and I think I will do that whether I get the dog or not just to look at it. One person I know got one and she said that she was able to train her dog to ring a bell when she had to go to the bathroom. :-)
for what its worth, i would never have made it 13yrs into caregiving without having my chihuahuas here for me to stay off the lonely and sad nights. having a pet to care for is work, i admit that wholeheartedly, but yes like bluedaze says having the home with a life that is happy is worth it all. i am sure most of us who have 'AD pets' talk to them as well! ha. mine too 16yrs old has been with us from day one. he knows the ropes and has grown from being DH adored dog, to kicked and mistreated by DH to now his protector. he screens and supervises who can get near him now:) so yes if you are lonely and unable to get out much i highly recommend a pet of anykind. someone to make your day move with a lighter side of life and support you thru the bad times. it may be added work, but it will take your mind off some of the bad stuff too we deal with everyday. divvi
I might disagree with some of the advice against. Not that the points aren't valid...the cautions are definitely worth taking into consideration. But only you know whether this is something you feel ready to take on or not. And I agree with you that it could bring you some joy in a dreary time of caregiving.
I have a sweet little dog and I love her to death. But, another thing that having a dog you might want to conisder for the future. If you plan on doing any traveling do you have someone who would take care of your dog? It can get expensive if you have to board your dog and pay for the boarding.
deb42657, I read your posts of lonilness and heartbreak and I feel your pain. We have lost so much because of this disease...it's living hell on earth. We hear "it's the disease" "they aren't themselves"...but it's still the same results....We suffer. Yes, they suffer, but their awareness isn't the same in the deep demenia fog. We are always there for them but neglict our own health. I feel sad ; I am anger I feel betrayal and bitterness. Just when I feel I have emotionally divorced him I discover more lies, more betrayal, cheating, and more community money spend of his "sexual favors" How much can a person take???? Chewing on nails
lulliebird, Yes WE suffer! Usually all people say "they aren't themselves" they never once say "I'm sorry that you aren't able to be yourself" WE are expected to do all of this living hell on earth and "take it like a man/woman" , "It is only temporary, you can do it" I think those statements belong on the SLAP fest! All these statements do is add to our stress. No one knows what empathy is ? Your pain in my heart, that is the meaning of empathy. The ONLY place I feel this or will ever feel this is here!
deb--I have wanted a dog for years--but--first I put it off because DH and I worked and traveled a lot, and it wouldn't have been fair to the dog. Then, I retired and took care of my parents and there was no time for a dog. Then I became an AD spouse and didn't want any more responsibility than that. Still thinking about the dog, but although Steve lives in an ALF, I still have oversight responsibility and emergency situations can and are happening. It seems I will wait until the post-AD period to get my dog--I just want some time where I have only myself to think about first--I believe that's called a "normal life"???????
Deb - no advise, I know you'll do what's right for you. We have a Hurricane Katrina rescue pooch (lost my beloved Boston Terrier in July). She's become my DH"s constant companion. She never leaves his side. He gets annoyed by it, but I know they say dogs can sense when a person is ill, and I KNOW she does. She sleeps "in the middle" of us at night....ugh! Sorry for your loneliness...we can all relate.
Deb - no advice from me, either. I love dogs and cats, but dogs, especially, require so much care. Maybe you could dog-sit for friends for a time to see if you can really handle all of the new responsibility?? My neighbor's cat just stopped by to say hello and I love that - I get to pet and visit when I have time and they get all of the pet owner responsibility. Reminds of me of the old saying about owning a boat - "it's best if you have friends with boats" and invite yourself along - LOL
I think I see an opportunity here,I could take my hound around to folks that want to hug a pet with no responsibilites,kinda like the pizza guy just call when ya want one,I bring her over you get to pet,talk,try to reason with her an then when you've had enough for the day give me a call and shazam I come an pick her up,I do have to warn everyone before hand,shes a big black lab an can't control her licker
I think this is a loaded topic. It asks us to consider our needs as well as the needs of the household in the context of dementia or ad.
Early last year I knew things were changed and not for the better when I had to take my beloved dog, Bozena, to be euthanized. That part of it had nothing to do with husband. The wonderful rescue adotped pooch had reached her end; she was probably fifteen or sixteen. Husband did not even realize she was gone.
Early last year I awoke to the three kitties at home, posed and staring at me. I went to find that husband had done some things in the kitchen. I'll say that they were very (un), (not), I don't know the right word, but let's just say not hygenic.
The kitties had loved my husband. He had a warm and fast metabolism (sp) and they loved sleeping with him until.....
During the last couple of weeks, and of course, I did not know in advance that that was the status of things, I sensed a change in him. The kitties were not abused (so I 'd like to think) but it was different. Instead of cuddling with him they would sit and stare at him. Instead of welcoming them as usual he would kind of push them away. They would come to me and in kitty language would ask why I was not taking care of this.
So, for more than a year I slept with my bathroom, bedroom and the sunroom closed and locked to keep me and the kitties safe. Under my pillow was my mobile phone and my keys. No lingerie or pajamas for me. I slept in yoga clothes in case I had to sprint to my car and get out. The kitty crates were lined up near my car just in case.
Husband would not likely go into the garage. I had already disabled his car. To reach it he would have to get out of the house; go through the pantry and into the garage to the car. He would have had to input the security password that protected the doors and then another password to get in and out of the garage. So, I can't imagine him taking these steps but I can imagine and remember his rage.
So, I know that this may be OT. As stated above, only you know what will and will not work in your environment. I read LFL's post and just want to scream because I know her to be a kind and wonderful person and wish she did not have to deal with what she posted.
deb- thank you for the description of emapthy that you posted. Just goes to show that a few words can take your (my) breath away.
Okay, I just realized I have to come clean on the doggie situation. Ol don's offer of a visiting dog made me realize that I hadn't mentioned that I VOLUNTARILY take care of an elderly neighbor's dog at least half of the week in addition to our little girl. Unlike Hera, who can't stand to be snuggled, all this dog wants to do is sit close and cuddle, which I love. So here am I complaining about all the work of one dog while sneaking in a second one and loving it!
I'm half crazy these days. Shoot, the guy down the street has a pig in his backyard and I walk by a yard full of happy plump chickens down the road every day. And this is in the middle of a huge city in Southern California. The heart wants what it wants so give it what it longs for when you can. Another good thing is that you become part of the dog owners club and everyone walking their dog talks to you. Or strangers without dogs will pet the dog and then talk to you, and it's sweet to connect to the world in this way. Also gives me something to complain about besides you know what.
I have four rescue dogs. Two of them sleep with me, and the other two sleep in their crates beside the bed with the doors open. They have doggie doors opening into the fenced backyard for when they need to go out. Yes, they are a lot of work and are expensive. But, I simply could not do without them. This has been a very difficult marriage from day one. Very abusive. 24 years of it. DH has ftd. Plus diabetes, etc. Lots of health issues. Without my wonderful dogs through the years, I could not have gone on. I love them so much.
I think there are many good suggestions here. I'll add my own.
A pet will require time, effort and money. Be sure you can afford all three. And you never know. We have 2 cats, both have terminal diseases. One has feline leukemia and just went to the vet because I suspected her diabetes flailed up again. So back on insulin shots. She is 10. The other has a probable brain tumor and is younger. Diagnosis based on frequent seizures. The medicine works and isn't expensive, remember, no insurance, but we spend $1,000 in two months seeing a neurologist. We declined the recommended MRI.
With FTD sufferers can get violent with pets. I know one sad story where someone killed a kitten because it was too annoying. Pets can be a comfort to dementia patients, but the noise and chaos can also be too much.
And I've read stories both ways, one where a pet is a great comfort to the person with dementia, and where the pet avoids them, especially if it knew them when the person was healthy. So there aren't clear rules.
I think an adult dog from a shelter or good rescue society is best. They should be able to evaluate the dog. And I recommend sessions with a dog trainer, this is more to train you than to train the dog.
When we got our 2 cats from the shelter, Sasha immediately became DH's cat. As time and the disease has progressed, Sasha has become more important to John and he pouts when Sasha, being the cat that he is decides to spend time with me and not him. Granted the cats are time consuming but having something to keep John's attention is worthwhile at this point.
My two cents' is this: if you have never had a dog, then read everything you can about training; it is all about positive reinforcement. Negative reinforcement doesn't work with dogs. Then when you get the puppy, socialize him and teach him manners (sit, stay, wait to eat, down). Not only will it make things immensely easier for you, but if the dog should not work out, he will have a really good chance at getting a good home through rescue. Lots of people are looking for dogs that do not have psychological issues from being mistreated and have some basic obedience. My last wild card is this: I have found that two dogs get into less trouble than one. When they get bored they bounce off each other, play chew each others' ears and are less inclined to chew up stuff they shouldn't. They become good friends and if you are the alpha dog, fall into line as the rest of the pack. I couldn't say if two are more "work" than one, but, of course, there is more expense involved.
We got Bruno about the 16th of February. He is getting better about not going in the house. If he does, I show him, take him outside, and then put him in his kennel. Since I do put him in the kennel when I go away and don't know when I will be back, I give him a treat those times. He is learning "heel", "stay", and "slow". Slow is the big one for me. I refuse to be drug anywhere by a big dog so he needs to get it before he gets bigger. Of course, my grandson Alex does run with him. And when Sebastian was home on leave for Lloyd's funeral, he would get down on the floor and wrestle with the dog...crazy kid. Then Sebastian would run around in circles and Bruno would chase him...and slide every time he hit the tile in the kitchen and the hardwood in the dining room. Actually it was as funny to hear as it was to see. What he seems to like best is when I tell him that he is a good boy and pat him on the head. I don't know what I would do without him.
Deb, I concur with PaulC on FTD patients with his comment about pet ownership. Only yesterday my husband was walking our elderly diabete poodle out to the park. Our beloved pet stopped to sniff some bushes. Husband didn't want to stop and allow our pet to sniff so he pulled the leash and collar very abruptly and started choaking him! I yeledl at husband to stop this...he became angry at me and threw the leash down in a rage. He's never ever been mean to the dog, but I see now that he could be. I find this very disturbing that he would hurt poor Roover whether on purpose or not
I agree, only you know what is best for you. I like what Blue said, what some people are saying is a chore, I don't think is at all. I can totally relate to needing something to love, that loves you back, and unconditionally. I second what Divvi said, I would not have made it without the love and companionship of my pets ♥♥