One of the things I always feared about this disease is that some point my husband (today he's not my DH) would become very angry about something, and attack me. I thought I had a plan in place if that ever happened. But what happened was very different. He was not trying to harm me at all. He was "helping" me. But even when I started telling him that he was hurting me, he wouldn't stop. He said he "had to do it that way", and I should quit trying to stop him helping me. Eventually I was screaming and crying because it hurt so much and ran away from him. I continued to cry for quite some time because of the pain and the shock that he had hurt me so badly. And his only response was to get miffed because I didn't appreciate his "help". Seriously, the only problem he had with the whole situation was that I didn't let him keep doing what he was doing to "help" me, and didn't appreciate what he did.

Now, on top of everything else, I fear my husband. If this happened once, it could happen again—maybe today, maybe tomorrow. And there's no trying to defuse a situation when he's escalating, because that's not even what happened. I knew that his reasoning was somewhat impaired, but I certainly didn't think he was so far gone that if I was crying and screaming that he was hurting me, he wouldn't stop whatever he was doing, especially if there was no anger involved.

I think this incident has helped with the "emotional divorce" issue. Certainly the man I was married to for decades would never have hurt me like this. I'm still in shock this morning, wondering where we go from here. This might not ever happen again, or it could happen the next time I'm within arm's reach. This whole situation was difficult enough before, but with this incident, it seems like we've entered a whole new level of difficulty. And I don't know if I can manage this, or if I should even try. I would appreciate some advice.

JanK--Hard as it is, especially since there was no anger or sense of "intent", you still really need to look at this event as him being a danger to you. His Dr. needs to be informed ASAP. He may have ideas or advice.
You probably should let the Police know of the situiation, so if it shouild start again, he'll have some awareness. Perhaps a call to your Adult Protective Services would garner some guidance. And, sorry to say, you probably should be looking at Placement. My situation was not the same exactly, but I went through all that,and an Incident had him taken by the Police to the ER.
This is another of the rotten decisions we face, butwe have to be Realistic. If we are out of commission, we can't take care of them. If they're inclined to hurt themselves, or us, we have to prevent that.

A couple years ago my DH went through a spell when he was very violent and hurt me several times. He would slam me on the side of my head or grab me by the shoulders or neck and shake me, telling me he was going to kill me.The day he came at me with a big iron pry bar I called the police and he ended up spending the weekend in the hospital. That was the first time he saw the nurologist.

I've always thought it was frustration that he didn't know what was wrong with him. We have been playing with various drugs which seem to work for a while the he goes off again. Now we have citalopram (Celexa) and Abilify and he seems a lot better. I think he is well into stage 6.

remember as well the impulse control button is out of control as well. ANY aggressive action should be a red flag for us and we must take action. could be they dont even register what pain or aggression is anymore. either way its hell to always be on your guard around someone who can turn violent. i would speak to the dr asap report the incident and ask them to get him into medication modifications. earlier is always better. get him sedated compliant and under control before it spirals out again. we have to be pro active here and not think it cant happen. it can and out of the blue when you least expect it. and if that doesnt work then placement is the ultimate option.
divvi

George's caregiver - please do not disagree with him, he is ALWAYS right, even when he is wrong. He has lost the ability to reason, it's not his fault, it's his damaged brain cells. You don't have to win any arguments, those days are gone forever.
For now, you always agree no matter how outrageous. Your goal is to keep as much calm in your home as possible - remember, that's your goal. I cannot imagine your family's sorrow.

I have gone through violence and physical danger once! Amber, I can't imagine 5 times!!! I wish I would have called the police because now I live in fear that it will happen again. Everyone that is going through this...PLEASE be careful because it is a reality that it is happening and according to what I have heard WILL happen again.

JanK, I know it's been 4 days and hope you have contacted his dr for new/different meds to control his aggression. My DH's aggression towards me is well documented here...you MUST tell his dr immediately so he can be controlled

I advise you to contact your local police/sheriff's offices on their non-emergency lines, tell them your husband suffers from dementia and ask them what should be your protocol if you need to contact them should your husband become aggressive or violent. I called 911, the police arrested him (even though I told them he had dementia), filed a temporay domestic violence restraining order on my behalf and then sent him to jail. Sometime in the night they took him to the ER for evaluation and he ended up in a psych hospital. I will NEVER call 911 again unless I tell them he needs to go to the ER for medical/psychological evaluation.

Maybe Joan has info on her that we don't have and can contact her. We are family here and when one writes about abuse, intentional or not intentional and states they were still in pain the next day....the family wants to know if they are OK. Maybe we will hear from her soon...I hope so and that everything is OK.

Dear Jan,

I pray that you are physically and emotionally okay as no one has hear from you since your post 3 days ago.

You need to make yours husband's doctor along with the police aware that he has physically hll armed you. This will happen again and again until the medical team caring for your husband finds the correct medicine and dosage to help control his anger. This needs to be reported and DOCUMENTED. There will come a time and a day that you will more than likely need this documentation to help you in placement assistance along with guardianship/conservership. By all means remove all guns and knives from the home. I sleep with pepper spray..and I would recommend that you invest in some. It's very affordable and they tell me it's effect. It can be easily purchased at a sporting goods store.

I also would suggest that in addition to informing DH doctor and the local police you contact the alzheimer association (24 hour hot line) when you need assitance or just someone to talk to anytime of the night or day. I called the alzheimers hotline in the middle of the night when I was so disturbed about my husband's behavioral problems . After almost 1 hour of unloading...I felt more at easy and was able to return to sleep.

I hope the everything is OK.

Jan, I am glad that you are OK! That is a very good idea, calling the non 911 number. I did the same thing with both police and fire department.
The only thing I didn't do...is when he was violent I didn't call the police to let them know that it actually happened. If I would have then I would have gotten more help!!! Yes, this disease never lets up and keeps us hopping.

Jan K,

Like the other posters, I am glad you are ok. I loved what JudithKB said about family.

Over the years H was transported from home to hospital by ambulance as the result of a call I made to 911. Maybe 12 times... I learned several things. One is that I had the choice of fire or police paramedics. Another is to use landline if possible- then the operator knows instantly the location of the call.

What made the biggest difference is that anxiety between the call and the paramedic's arrival. I had thought about this quite a bit and so the next to the last time just asked the operator if the paramedics could turn off the lights and sirens. H knew what they were and only became more agitated. Neighbors, only meaning well would come out of their houses. The sight of husband strapped to a gurney; exhibiting dementia behaviors, was something I wanted to keep as private as I could.

I really didn't expect to be told that yes, once a couple of intersections had been cleared they would quiet the sirens and lights. They did and I think it helped. I was also told that if I did not need transport for myself they would not send more than one vehicle.

The operator was so helpful quick and considerate. I wondered if everyone knew these things....!?