I can't take it anymore. Parents must feel they have given me some breathing room because they are at it again.
Yes, my husband was not perfect, but he was not the person they try to convince me he was.
They continue to have some kind of contact with the coach at Vanderbilt, her organization or whatever and this just adds to their belief that H could not have died from anything related to the brain at his age. Why? because AD can be overcome with appropriate enthusiasm, for lack of a better word. They continue to say that H was lazy (despite 20 years of education) and as "the coach said, it takes a lot of enthusiasm and dedication to fight this".
They belive that he "got so much education so that kept him busy so he never had to work".
Well, he worked for more than twenty years.
Now they want me to move to where they live. I can't. I would rather drive off a cliff.
So, I would benefit from your counsel. Under what circumstances would you say "no more" or would you just evaporate and say nothing, or would you tell them why, you know just state why it is over?
abby, I am sure you will get different answers because everyone has a different personality. I am not the type to take interference from other people. If they can't be supportive they need to butt out. I know you feel guilty because they are your parents but how long are you willing to let them run your life? I would tell them the next time they start telling you what you should do and tell them why. You could hang up on them when they call and that might send a message. I hope you can get this resolved and find some peace. God Bless
Objectively, my take on this is that you simply need to establish boundaries in your own mind about how much you're willing to discuss with them. Obviously, based on what you've said, you have no desire to move to their area. Say so. Say, "Thanks, but I prefer it here and this is where I've decided to stay." Or something like that. You don't keep talking about it or keep negotiating. You just know your decisions, state them, and end the conversation if they persist. "Gotta go Mom...I have an appointment." Or whatever.
Clearly it pains you a great deal that they continue to hold an unflattering opinion of your late husband. I can't even guess at what kind of emotional bindings exist between you and your folks, but I don't think you'd be asking this question if the suggestion I made in paragraph #1 would be easy for you. So now I'm going to turn into Dear Abby and suggest that it might help you to find a therapist to discuss parent issues (and any other stuff) with.
I can tell you what I would do. I would set boundaries like emily said. No more talking about your DH there is nothing that can be changed now. You did the best you could. So NO more comments about DH. I would not mover closer to them, it would just not be pleasant. At this point if it were me, I would talk once a week to make sure they were ok. And if the conversation moved over the boundary, well I would just end the call. You do not need anyone giving you grief about any of this. This includes your parents. Just because they are your parents they do not get a free pass at causing you pain.
Abby*, I echo Emily's advice. Just because they are your parents that does not give them the right to continually upset you. Actually a therapist might be a big help with providing you advice on how to deal with them. When dh was initially dxd and my sister was helping me cope, I saw a therapist who not only helped me deal with that situation but also my relationship with my sister. I found it very helpful and still do since my sister is the only one who helps us.
Abby, quite simply, do whatever gives you peace because that is what counts in the end. My mother and I did not have a relationship for about 12 years because she wanted me to just hand over my oldest daughter to her and I refused. I just made up my mind one day that we were going to get along whether she liked it or not...and we did...on my terms. After she died, it reaffirmed my belief that I had done the right thing. We were close. I was cuddling with her in the nursing home bed when she took her last breath. No regrets! Agree to disagree. Don't work at it. Just let it happen. If they don't care to get along, you will know that you tried and it will be their fault and their loss. And then again, it may work. People feel certain ways for a specific reasons. And usually those reasons are justified. You don't need a therapist to tell you that.
I agree with all who have posted. What has worked for me is not to go along with whatever I don't agree with. As long as you engage, it will keep being an issue. Ghandi called this "passive resistance." All it really means is that you say "no" firmly, don't explain, and then remove yourself. As Emily put it so well, "You don't keep talking about it or keep negotiating. You just know your decisions, state them, and end the conversation if they persist. 'Gotta go Mom...I have an appointment.' Or whatever." It will work. They want you in their life, and if you set your boundaries, they will respect them and you. You'll find it easy if you base your stance on "I will not engage with this." God bless.
not setting the boundaries early on after marriage with our parents, can tend to allow them to meddle in our affairs like it or not. most parents have the best-at-heart interest for their children. some really dont. usually a relationship that has problems occur isnt always one that happens after marriage but an ongoing issue with the parents that has a past before a marriage relationship occurs . and only gets worse after we marry and can give them more fuel. dont know what age you are, but at some point we should and must give notice that our private lives are just that. we can have a wonderful family, without endulging in personal affairs. not elaborating on our negative traits but our positive ones, is always the best policy. making us feel lousy after being caregivers and the loss of a spouse, just doesnt seem right. more support and less criticism would be in order.
I thought about cutting off contact with my parents, because of things that happened in the past and because they continued to be judgmental and critical. I didn't do it because I was afraid of losing an inheritance. Instead, I limited contact (visiting them only for a short time in the summer, not for holidays) and not calling. I spoke at my father's funeral. I didn't say what a wonderful father he was, I told stories about what he had done in his younger years which meant a lot to people.
My mother is in the very early stages of Alzheimer's, and she no longer has the brainpower to be judgmental. So I get along with her better now, though I still have to refuse to talk about a subject occasionally. She and my husband, who used to hate each other, are now similarly impaired and like to spend time together. I am very blessed that one of my sisters, who lives closest, is willing to be the lead person in arranging my mother's care. In return I took over guardianship of our developmentally disabled sister.
Setting boundaries - that is very important. Sounds like they are still treating you like a child, not an adult. If you like where you live - tell them that. Says something like " I know you would like me closer, but I like it where I am - this is where my life is. I am not ready to change that.'
I agree when on the phone: let her know the boundaries and either end the conversation or the first couple times she tries tell her that is a topic you refuse to discuss with her. After that tell her 'you violated our boundaries, I need to go.'
There are excellent books out that on how to set boundaries.
As for your husband, I would end that topic by: I know you never approved of him. I refuse to allow you to continue talking ill of the dead. Well - how does you (your mom) explain some of the best educated people in the world dying from this disease? Of course she will defend her position, but you say that - end of discussion on the topic.
I knew I would get good advice here, because who among us has not had to deal with grief, expectations, and complicated relationships? I remember when I initially posted here that my husband had died that day- that was the first place. Here. I guess that says a lot about my relationship with Mother-whom I did not contact until the next evening.
Either that day or the next day I said that I had intended to post more of a narrative here. Another poster had done that and it had been comforting to me, reading okay, this can happen, and that can happen.....
But I found that I could not emotionally do that; contribute that narration. Soon after I posted Charlotte posted and her words were something like this: "you don't have to say anything you are not ready to say; we are here for you whenever or whatever you want to say".
If I did post more about his death it was in comments. And it was not because I felt I "should" but because I felt free enough to do so. That last night, overnight, I said things to him that I had not said in a long time. I knew I would never speak to him again since he had lost the ability to speak, and of course I will never know if he understood or cared.
I was bolstered today to read your comments and give myself a little pat on the back because I already have been doing some of the things you mentioned and suggested here. In fact I'm a night owl and am beginning to percolate some ideas....
DO NOT MOVE WHERE THEY ARE..YOU WILL REGRET IT! These folks have never been supportive and they won't change...and yes..put distance between you and them. It doesn't mean you have to cut them completely out of your life but you can take control of just how much you do want to hear from them..put things on YOUR terms.
You have been to hell and back..No one has the right to make your recovery period hell on earth again...do what you have to do to protect yourself and your peace of mind. When they start bringing up the topic of your dh and his condition etc...just in no uncertain terms tell them the conversation is closed..either talk about something else or you are leaving or they can go....I one time hung up on my sister in law when she got like this, My brother called all fussed and bothered and I told him I was not going to stay on the phone and be blasted by HIS wife about MY parents when she does not know what has been going on and my role in supporting them from a distance.
Cowgirl up and put your new cowgirl boots firmly down...use that pointy toe to put the line in the sand! Good luck.
The parent/child relationship was designed to be flid, slowly shifing from the paret makng alldecissons ad doing all are, to the point where, the chil;d becomes able to take care of him/herselfand make herown decisions. That'swhen the relationship shifts into more of a closely caring sort f friendship. nmSometimes hings in that pocess go wrong. For whatever reason, a child may not leave the nest--its comfortable and conveient;or parents fail to acknowledge their grown cild's ability to make their own decisions and take care of themselves--after all, they only want what's best for their child. A.so, it is hard to stand back and lethe child falgter, fall, or even fail--but responsible parents know that's partof the deal and stand by,readyl to help with the recovery and healing.
Abby* you have pretty much grown up. You are an adult and have extablished your independence, to a degree. Your parents, however, have not made the shift to let you go. Have ou consiered the idea hat their animosity toward your husband could well nbe thatg he helped you , suported your efforts, to break awayl rom their control and make your own decIsons? Now tat he's gone, my take is that theyl see the opportunity to regain control of their child. You' see theikr behavior as attacks. Yopur insti ncts are ight on. Their behavior is an attack on your confidence and emopons. Thy are hiting you where it wll hurt the most. Abby their behacvior is emoptional abuse. It is up to youwhether you bow to it--fold up, give in, return to being their "little gi'rl"; or pull up your big girl panties, decide whatk is righ.t for yourself, and refuse to give them what hey want. Set limits and stand firm. If they can't say anything nice about your DH, they needn't say anything at all. You will decide where you will live. Inform them. And for the time being limit your contact. Stand firm--absolutely no easing up on your rules.
Your relationship with tem illlikely nev er be warm and easy, but oce some mutual respec is established, it might be better. Acknowledged, they are your parents and you carte about them, but you do not have to like nor accept what they're doling.
Good Advice, Carol. I also think it would be a mistake for you to move back to their area as long as they are being controlling with you and you don't need someone to control you now that your are an adult. Good Luck.
JudithKB..I know your old didn't mean "old"..tee hee. But the neuro said to me the other day " old people don't normally get migraines...." before he went further I interrupted and said " thanks, doc, did anyone ever tell you you are rude"? Then he stammered and said " well what I meant was...migraines normally start when one is a teen ager or in the 20s not as an adult. Migraines are not acquired, it is genetic though some never suffer them...blab blab balb" but I got him! snicker.