Jang* how sweet of you! I have not been here for awhile either, sometimes it just hurts me too much. I stay until I need to retreat and reload, then I come back :)
All things considered, Lynn is still doing absolutely amazing!! The Marinol is still having it's magic effects.. he is still able to talk with me, and that means so so much to me. I no longer care that we can't carry on a conversation, that it may make sense to only him.. Now, it only matters that he is still able to express himself.
Late stage is so hard, but easier than the middle stages in some ways. He is failing physically, but still holding his own.....I have accepted I will lose him, but I am holding on tight with both hands!! But he is not in pain and even more important, is able to articulate when he is.
I know our days are numbered, and I truly treasure every day I am blessed with him. He still lights up when he sees me, he smiles that smile that melts my heart, and his eyes still often have the familiar twinkle. Every single day he tells me he loves me and he still loves to be kissed. I am blessed! And for the most part I have reached a place of peace.
But I do struggle, he is having some bowel issues we are working through. He doesn't often say my name, most times when he does, wow it makes my heart so full!! But when he is in pain, or frightened, he will call out to me by name. Several times while trying to use the bathroom lately he cried out in pain, and pleaded, help me Nikki!! Broke what was left of my heart.......
The 17th will be 4 years since placement, this month is difficult for me as old feelings mingle with my fight to try to be grateful and positive. I am for the most part fine, but sometimes the raw pain overcomes me. Soon though I will pick up my trusty paintbrush so I can paint my own silver lining again :)
I am getting along. I volunteer at the cancer hospital. I am constantly amazed and in awe of these people who fight so hard for their lives. I work in gyne Monday mornings and radiation on Tuesdays. Somebody told me that they had been asked to do some volunteer work. They said that they had already paid their dues. I do not see this as paying dues or giving back to the community. I come home after every shift feeling that I have been given a gift.
Long story, sorry.
I have managed to empty part of Gord's closet and will have to attack the rest of it soon. You know a silly thing that I keep thinking about. I wish we had danced. Gord always said he was too tall. He was 6' 4" and I was almost 5'3". I have shrunk now. I wish I had insisted.
Take care of yourself Nikki. You are amazing and an inspiration. Keep painting your silver linings.
how wonderful to hear from you Nikki. As I went through the placement process with Dado, I often took comfort from so many of your words here. Love you.
Nikki, Although I am a very new member it's good to hear from you. Please take care of yourself and Lynn. I am sending you a special prayer for peace and guidance. You are a blessing to this board.
Jang, not a long story, but a lovely one. Thank you for sharing ♥ It is said, and I had felt first hand it's truth, that in helping others, we help ourselves. You are truly a special person, who can suffer through such heartache, and yet reach out your fragile heart to help these dear souls. Angels on Earth, every single volunteer, they got a special one when you joined them!!
It is so odd you mentioned dancing! Just yesterday I said to one of the other spouses, I wished we had danced more. He was a confident man, but when it came to dancing he was like a bashful boy. We would dance in our home, but never in public. Not even on our wedding day!! I didn't make a fuss about it because I loved him so much and didn't want him to be that uncomfortable. We did dance in our hotel, but yeah... I wish we had danced more.....
Coco, I have felt a tremendous guilt for not being here for you when the time came to place Dado. I truly wanted to be, but I just couldn't...it hurt too much, the memories flooded back. Please forgive me my friend ((hugs))
Lullie, thank you so much, you are so kind. Blessings to you and yours ♥
I'm one of the lucky ones. DH and I both loved to dance. In fact, that's how we got together. I have a Christmas ornament that I'll always treasure. It says "First Christmas Together" and has a couple dancing on it.
My Jim and I both loved to dance. We went dancing every Sat. night we could. At his service my daughter who loved Jim so much gave a talk about him and his service was on Sat. The final words she said, and it made me so pleased and proud of her...."It is Saturday night and Mom and Jim won't be going dancing tonight, instead he will be dancing with the Angels." Makes me cry just thinking about it.
carolyn* i am sure that precious ornament will bring you plenty of melancholy smiles. how lovely. judithkb* what a beautiful comment. we all hope that can be true. coco, nikki, jang* wishing you all the best, and coco enjoy that respite stay.
I have a bittersweet memory that involves dancing. Steve and I both loved it; one New Year's Eve, after his diagnosis, we went to a party with friends. While he and I were out on the dance floor, he said to me "See, I still remember how to dance." You can imagine how I felt.
Nikki, thank you for the kind words. Coming from you, they mean a lot. Judith, what a wonderful thing for your daughter to say. It brought tears to my eyes too.
No dancing makes me sad also. We were no Fred and Ginger but we had a great time at wedding receptions. A group of friends used to put on 50s and 60s dances and it was wonderful fun. I have oldies on my MP3 player and when I listen to that it is one of my saddest times, but also enjoy the memories. I am 62 he is 65 and has early onset. I am guessing we are in stage 5 at least. I read here everyday and identify with so many things. Take care all.
Yeah, I guess I include 60's too. We were married in 1965. Our song was House of the Rising Sun. We bought a convertible much to the horror of our families. We would drive along with the top down, playing that song. We thought we were so cool. I looked really cool with legs that were bright red with sunburn from the short's line to the knees.
Hi, sweetpea (Nikki). How are ya? Dancing...My mother never danced a day in her life. She came from a strict religious family and it was not allowed. She was in her 70's when my niece got married and Lloyd asked her to slow dance with him. She hesitated, but he talked her into it. It was a memorable moment. My mom loved him so.
Ah, dancing. Last Valentines Day DH was in ALF. They had a party with music and treats. DH didn't have a clue who I was and could barely walk. The song was "Always". As we just stood and swayed to the music he whispered in my ear, "I love you very much". I hang onto that and really believe he knew it was me. Tomorrow will be a heart breaker.
Ocallie 36, Tomorrow is also my first Valentine's Day with out him I bought myself a new handbag today and told myself that it was my Valentine's gift from him. He was in the NH 2 1/2 years.
Sorry to say I can't even remember what happened on Valentine's day last year. Jim must have been in a really bad stage and I have put it out of my head. But, I have so many good memories I will just think about them tomorrow.
We weren't really dancers, just made a stab at it if we were at a wedding, etc. He asked me to our Senior Prom and in a husky whisper sang 'Slow Boat To China' in my ear. By the time he brought me home I knew I'd spend my life with him. I can still feel his warm breath.
Betty...I swear....just less then 10 secs. ago I was thinking about that song...Slow Boat to China...isn't that strange...and then I clicked on here and you had posted earlier about that song. Strange.
I know that feeling. And, that is what breaks my heart in two that I probably will never experience that feeling again. When I was in high school a gang of us kids would go to this ice cream palor and play the juke box and their was one kid that always played that song. Loved those days and great memories.