After two blogs that were a welcome humorous relief from our painful issues, the seriousness has returned. No humor this weekend. I invite you to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and read my new blog. Please post comments and suggestions here.
dear joan, i think its only a matter of time that we all get to feel the intense loss you are experiencing. we do tend to shove it to the backs of our minds to avoid confrontation not with our spouses, but with ourselves. only we can argue with ourselves successfully, as we know our faults and weaknesses as well as our strengths. it sounds like very good reasoning on your part not to wait any longer, and go ahead with the personal therapy for yourself. working thru the emotional times, and having a therapist for some support and relief for guidance can be very useful and appropriate for us when caregiving gets out of control. i went to a hypnotist over ten years ago, first for weight loss, and as a consequence was cured of my claustrophobia after a failed MRI. its the best thing that happened as i was given every tape they made of my sessions, and now over a decade later i still listen to them when stress and anxiety get the best of me. it is a great relief. just knowing we have some sort of outside emotional relationship besides AD is necessary. feeling a bit of lift of mind and spirit can never be wrong. wishing you luck, and yes sooner is better. divvi
My heart is breaking for you, Joan. And I am crying with you. My DH and I shared the same type of relationship that you and Sid enjoyed, so I know the heartache.
I think if you are asking, “Should I see a therapist for help?” The answer is a resounding,”Yes!” Do whatever it takes to take care of YOU!
And thank you so much for having created this space where we can all find a little bit of therapy ourselves :)
By all means see a therapist. As a counselor myself, I can tell you that a good therapist will be able to reframe things to help you see things in a different light so you are not focusing solely on the pain of the loss. I am currently waiting to place my husband after much prayer and soul searching. He understands what I am doing and is not fighting it. For that I am grateful. I am blessed to not have had the explosive behavior that many people on this website describe. He needs help with everything and cannot remember what happened 3 seconds ago. My children are going to assist with the move. I have much to accomplish to make this move happen but will not do anything until they call that they have a bed. After the assessment last week she says he would be put in their dementia unit which is where I thought he would be. The counselor at the Alz office told me that when I place him I will probably begin to really begin the grieving process as I have really shed very few tears so far. I know that was true with my mother after she placed my father in the nursing home. She also told me the reason most people hang on to their loved ones at home is because they do not want to go through the grieving, tears, upheaval of change and everything else that goes with placement. For my mother the placement was really much more difficult than his actual passing. My hope is that once I am relieved of the 24/7 care that I can be more compassionate instead of constantly telling him to do this, do that, don't do that, get dressed, time to shave, time to shower, you need clean clothes, and on and on. Yes it is like dealing with a 2-3 year old child. I am also placing him because I do not want to get into a medical crisis where I would have to make these decisions under stress.
We are all in this together and we will get through it all and live to tell about it on the other side. Always remember we must care for them but we must care for outselves.
Yeah, that got the tears flowing...... *sigh* it is all so very difficult and I am full of heartache for you and every spouse in this horrendous battle. As you remember when I placed Lynn I went into mourning, the grief was consuming me. I did try to go to a therapist, but it did not work for me. Either I had a bad therapist, or I was not yet ready to try to heal. Perhaps a grief therapist would have been better, but there are none in our small community. I am not sure if it will help you Joan, but one just has to try...
Grief is such a powerful emotion! I know everyone's pain is their own, but we all also have so much in common. I believe I will be a lot like your mother CO2. I grieved hard and long when I placed Lynn. It wasn't just grieving, it was full blown mourning! Perhaps, when he passes it will not be as difficult for all the pain I have already endured? It's a nice thought.....
Dear Joan, Don't walk, run to your therapist. Like you, I have been building this brick wall around me to keep from falling apart..only last Sept 11th the bricks started to crack..opthalmic migraines, and the buzzies in my face and hand....went to my doc who put me on Lexapro that sent me into orbit, then Valium, very low dose. When I mentioned this to my DH neuro, he had me make an appt with him about the migraines, anxiety etc..Long story short, he said I have Adjustment Disorder with mixed anxiety and depression and put me on Zoloft and so far going on this med ( I am on day 9 now) had not been too difficult.. He told me if I did not get counselling NOW I will be heading for real troubles...he did not specify what kind but I suspect he meant not only health but complete collapse. I am glad I went to see him and while not thrilled with being on a med at least I have someone in MY corner looking out for me when I was too stubborn and blind to see what was happening. We think we can do it all..WE CAN'T AND SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE TOO. I have some in home help and now will get them on payroll and also get workmens comp ins...they are great girls and it will be $$$ but I don't have any choice.
Listen to the others...wish I had....but better late than never. You need Help, you are tired and depressed as we all are. Depression does not mean we want to hurt someone or ourselves...there is so much more to it and you need help. By the way my neuro is also a shrink..he told me I need grief counselling NOW and later counselling for moving foraward... I would not be surprised if he tells me soon I need to think placement...my hubby can't recall 20 minutes after he ate if he ate..what day it is etc..but he does know our house, and that we paid it off early! And he loves our kittens, now almost 1 year old..
This is a hard journey we are all on...not fair either that all our hopes and dreams are being stolen like this. Hugs and keep us posted on how you are doing.
Joan I feel your pain. I, too, try to stay strong and keep up that wall. I f we didn't we would not be able to get up each day and take care of "everything"! But sometimes, our DH says something or does something that just breaks us and the wall. From, the beginning I 've known I cannot do this' without help and lots of it in every form. Once I took care of immediate concerns with my husband, I found a wonderful, compassionate and caring therapist. I very strongly urge you to find one you are comfortable with. It is a lifesaver to have someone listen, empathize and help you take care of yourself. I was fortunate to have a friend recommend mine and I connected with her immediately. But if not, I would have tried another till I found the right one for me. And I will continue to see her through this struggle.
You have and are still helping me and so many others with this site. You deserve to find help too . I hope you can find someone soon.
Joan...OH my...tears are coming for you and so many of who are in the middle this horrible condition or have seen their spouses to the end and still can't get the bricks back up in place so they can move on for whatever reason. I am considering getting help too because I find this "after" more difficult to deal with then I ever thought it would be. We all must do what ever we have to do to have to carry on during and after.
Joan, I started to see a stress counsellor about 2 years into the stress of care giving. (She was recommended by a Social Worker friend and is really good.) I went back to see her after the car accident and still go to see her once a month. The pain from the accident is increasing, and I found it necessary to withdraw from the university courses. In addition, the estate still isn't completely settled more than 2 years after Eric's death. I find her invaluable to try to sort out this messy life. We all need as much support as we can get. I would not have been able to make it without the support I have had, and continue to get, from everyone on this site and from her.
Joan - I am so sorry, I too married just the right one and it broke my heart to hold and love him as you described. You have had much more, with your Dad & diabetes, but I know your heart. I don't know about 'emotional divorce' I just know that I came to call myself a married widow. Your time now is unbearable and I can only tell you that I know. As for therapy, some bricks may be broken, others have chips and cracks but they will have to be rebuilt, take whatever help you can get. Betty
Joan, my situation is somewhat different than yours. I have seen therapists off and on for years, beginning when we had serious marital problems following the premature birth and death of a baby. Two years later when I got pregnant again, I had to spend about four months in bed to keep that baby from being born early. We had a a son in kindergarten at the time. As you can imagine, all of this plus my husband's job, caused a lot of stress in our marriage. In addition, both my brother and sister have chronic depression and I developed it during that stressful time. All of that happened 35 years ago, but I quickly learned that therapists can help immensely. As soon as DH was diagnosed, I knew I would need to see someone. I found someone who really understands me and have been seeing her every other week for five years now. Although DH is only in stage 5 and not terribly difficult to manage, I don't think I could have handled all of this without the therapist. She listens, doesn't judge, and helps me think about the situation in different ways than I am able to on my own. I hope you have as good luck as I have had. It may take a while to find the right therapist, but be persistent. It will be worth it. Janet
Joan, I cannot give any advice here since I haven't any experience with a therapist but reading this thread has convinced me that it is time for me to seek one out. Warm thoughts and hugs coming your way.
joan, yes, find a therapist for you it can help you cope with all that's going on in your life. When DH was forceibly removed from the house in 2008 after hitting me, I cried for hours each day. We went from talking, planning our lives (DH had minor memory issues) to him being incarcerated, involuntarily committed to a psychiatric hospital and "professionals" advising me he would NEVER be able to return home because he was so violent. Yes, we wre in crisis mode, but I found a wonderful therapist who helped me work through my feelings about what had happened, helped me clarify what I wanted for the future (divorce or caregiver). I haven;t seen her for a few years now, but will definitely go back to her as soon as I feel I need the support. Withou her I would never have been able to get thru the early stages we went through.
As I read your story, I think to myself, it's so sad but there's nothing I can do about it. What can I offer to ease your pain? I've read many sad stories here and always passed over posting a comment for the same reason. But just maybe.....Maybe I do have something to offer.
Many friends here offer sympathy and prayers, which can be very comforting, and many offer their advice based on their own experience in a similar situation. It helps to feel your not alone.
Joan, I will not offer you any advice, but I will offer you my experience. Thrughout my life, I have faced some very difficult times, especially the last eight year dementia experience. However during the ninty-one years of it, I can't ever remember a time when I was really depressed. I had a place to turn to. Someone to talk it over with and no matter what the situation, he would always tell me what to do. Even though at times I displeased him, he never deserted me. He was alwas there.
You can call him my conscience. The little voice inside my head. My personal god, or whatever. He tells me what is right and what is wrong. He gives me my marching orders. To him and him alone I owe my allegiance. If he ever told me to go see a pschyatrist or counselor I would have to ask him "Should I listen to this guy?" He's the one who took me to this site and told me to contribute this post. I do everything I can to please him, and when I do, he gives me the greatest gift fo all.... Happiness.....
Now Joan, I'm sorry but this is all I have to offer you. It's not much but It's the best I can do. I hope it helps.....
Wow Joan, you said exactly what I have been feeling this week. Today, Valentines Day, I am feeling especially sad. I keep setting myself up for disappointment...........it's crazy!! I know better. There is still a piece of me that thinks this will go away....it is not happening. I think the reason is that my DH does have "Normal" moments that give me false hope. This morning he asked me if he had any money in his account. I asked him why and he said he wanted to go to town, put gas in his car, maybe go see his brother. I told him he didn't need gas in his car because he just filled it 2 days ago. But...I told him he should go see his brother and maybe get a sub from the sub shop he likes so much. He said OK. So, I put $50 in his account, gave him his debit card and I went to work. Around 12 today he called me and asked me what he was suppose to do with the money I gave him...so I told him. Later, I checked his account and he had indeed went to the sub shop..and there was also a $25 debit which I knew was for cigarettes. Fine. But when I was driving on my way home I imagined that he got me a Valentine with some of that money........I set myself up for disappointment. It took every ounce of willpower not to say something smart to him about not getting me a Valentine.....sigh............... I had mentioned to him a few days ago that I had gotten him some chocolate for Valentine's Day. He wanted something sweet, and what the heck..it wouldn't hurt to give it to him early. He declined. Yesterday he tore the house apart looking for it while I was at work...he found it...funny. So, I totally understand. I go through this constantly. When will I finally come to my senses? I just don't know.
i dont think we are ever ready to overcome being dissapointed Ferggie. the lonliness and bittersweet days like today make us all exceptionally vulnerable to the loss and despair of this disease. we would like to think there is a small space within their minds that will remember and make this bearable but mostly that is just wishful thinking as you can see. it hurts to be forgotten and have to carry on with or without the affections and interactions we used to have. you are not alone, coming to our senses , well that is a very big question and one we may never answer. i am sure i will ask myself that one, even in the 'after'. divvi
Ferggie, I know how you feel. We were at the doctor's office today- everyone was saying happy valentine's day; went out to lunch, same thing, saw commercials on TV - but it just did not register with him. I didn't get him anything because if I had he would have been upset that he didn't get me anything - even though he didn't know what it was for~! I'm rambling. It's just so sad - so much we both lose. I do love him though - and always will!
Thanks Divvi and Vickie....My DH didn't question the chocolate......and not upset at all that he didn't get me anything...He has really become apathetic...it is so crazy. I think I really need to see a therapist....Other than this website, for which I am so grateful, I don't have anyone to talk to. My DH's family is very absent in all this turmoil.
DH has completely lost any meaning of holidays. I gave him two pieces of candy and said that was his Valentine's candy. Didn't mean a thing to him. He has declined memory-wise so drastically in the last two months. I am well aware that he thinks I am just a housekeeper in this house. Because we share a bed has no significance. Tonight before he went to bed he said, "thanks for everything." I could have cried on the spot.
I would love to see a psychiatrist but I can't afford it. I know exactly how you feel though, the only difference is I never had that kind of husband to begin with and I have always pushed to try to get him to be the kind of husband I wanted and it never worked. The only advice I have is that you shouldn't wait until bricks fall, that is when things get really weird. Take care of the cracks as they happen, if you wait it will just get worse. That requires that every day you look into yourself and make sure the wall is in working order, never let a day go by without doing that. It doesn't work perfectly but it works pretty good (most of the time)
A few days ago I posted a comment in this discussion about listening to the little voice inside my head instead of seeing a psychiatrist. Since then I've thought about it a little more and decided that if things were really bad, the little voice inside my head might tell me it's too much for him and tell me I need to go see a psychatrist. In that case, I would take his advise.
I don't think I'm much help whith these discussions. I really haven't been there. It's different when you're older.
Oh, GeorgieBoy, you do contribute! Don't stop now! I love to read what you post. We all come from different places in this thing called 'life'. Don't desert us!
DH bought a card on his own, I paid for it but didn't pick it out. When Valentines came, I opened it and I cried. It would have been exactly the kind of card he would have picked out before dementia. One I will always cherish. What a strange disease.
It's so tough! Today my husband clung to me as I was trying to leave the Home. The nurse had to physically restrain him as I went out the door into our very cold winter. He is absolutely determined to be going home with me. I know he is bored there and I kind of don't blame him. He isn't in an alztheimer's unit because they don't have one here. For a locked unit I would have to move him to a town about 20 miles away. They could give him some of those psychotropic drugs there. He doesn't get any psychotropic drugs here.. The reason is that if he were to fall and get injured here, the state could take the Home's license away. I think it would benefit him though to be given something to tranquilize him. But then I would feel guilty for extinguishing some of the light he still has. It would certainly benefit me if they did gave him some. And yes, it would also benefit me if I saw someone who had real empathy.. Greetings to all of you dear people. You are my primary source of comfort besides the person GeorgieBoy referred to.
Dear Joan and everyone. I would not have made it this far on this horrible journey without my grief counselor. At one point, I was seeing her every two weeks and have an appointment this afternoon. I was seeing her while I was trying to cope with all the changes in my husband and now to help me with the incredible grief of all the losses. As others have mentioned, after our loved ones go into facilities, other issues emerge. One terrible disease and like midwestmn wrote "you are [all] my primary source of comfort..."
Update - Just wanted to let you know that I have an appointment with a therapist next week. This therapist has helped another Alzheimer Spouse friend of mine tremendously, so I am hoping, if nothing else, she will be a safe place to sob my heart out. The sadness and loss are overwhelming me after so many years of pushing them back. There's no place to push them anymore.
When I called my insurance, I was surprised to learn that there are no limits on the amount of visits. I don't know how long I will need her, but I'd hate to be in the middle of a crisis, and have the insurance cut me off, so it's good to know they'll let me keep seeing her if I need to.
Glad you have found a therapist. As I said before, that is the first thing I did when my Dh was diagnosed. I am fortunate to also have good insurance and I plan to see my therapist throughout this journey. She is invaluable to me and necessary for my self care. It sounds like you have found someone who will understand and care. Let us know how you continue to do. We care about you.
Great news, Joan. My counselor helps me a lot...and started with little things like taking time twice a day to just go where it is quiet and breathe...and when I start feeling stressed to go to a quiet place and notice how my Zoloft is helping me cope..note how I start to feel, how the tension starts to wane a little. Just starting with little things helps. I also see my MD now once a month but she is available in between appointments if I need to. And she is following me with the Zoloft along with the neurologist...things can smooth out but we need our good doctors and therarpists help..we really can't do it alone no matter how strong we think we are.