Here I am AGAIN! I can't sleep...and I am laying awake worrying. My husband has huge behavioral issues. Within the last few months he was told by a doctor his judgement is too impaired to operate a motor vehicle. We have guns in the house...some of them are his and some belong to my son who lives out of the country. Recently my son returned for a visit and he purchased a safe to lock his guns and my husband's guns away in our house. Husband is so so angry because he wants the combination to the safe. He said he will use a cutting torch and gain access to the guns. My son has now returned back overseas.....I am scare to death that husband will distroy this very expensive safe....gain access into the safe (with loaded guns). I know the combination to the safe, but I lied and said I didn't. What do I do? Every day is hell with this horrible man I live with. He scares me because he knows enough to be dangerous, but not enough to use judgement. As someone here said...'their judgement is broke" Living with him is pure hell. He is so nasty and mean to me. Life is living in hell...porn, paid escorts, guns, and threatening to drive a car. I want to run away from home. I hate FTD ...I hate alzheimers. All this frustration. Thanks for is venting time..
Someone else will give better and more specific guidance, but there is the usual suggestion to see an elder attorney right away. In your situation I would want to discuss with someone who is equipped to advise you in issues of finance and separation, how you might extricate yourself.
You can rent gun lockers at the local gun range - to store the guns outside your home. You could get him out of the house and move the guns while he is gone. Do you ever have children visit your home? You could tell him that after the Sandy Hook Elementary shootings you just could not bear the thought of having the guns in the house.
Maybe you could even invent a story that the house was robbed and the guns were stolen. If you explain the situation to the local police , I bet they would even help you with that fib - by coming out and pretending to take a report. Houses do get robbed - specifically for guns - all the time. It's happening in an area of NY where a newpaper thought it would be a great idea to publish a map of gun owners. You could even print that news out and show it to your husband: http://www.inquisitr.com/488885/another-gun-owner-robbed-after-being-identified-on-the-journal-news-map/
I sure hope you can find some resolution. It sounds like a very dangerous situation.
i had my DH's son come get all the guns out of the house early on. he may try to pry the safe, but i doubt he could get into it unless its a cheap sort but who knows. a blow torch well thats a whole nother issue. and a dangerous one at that. you can take the guns out while hes asleep load them in car trunk and have a gunsmith or gunshop store or remove a peice? to make them inoperable maybe. i would show him while they are gone the case is empty and your son is holding them til he gets back. weapons of any sort with dementia are a nono combo. they dont have rational judgement even in early stages anything can trigger them. (no pun intended:) find a way to get that solution under way soon. you will sleep better knowing there are no weapons in the house.
Thanks for your suggestions ....I may have to have his son (by previous marriage) remove my husband's guns and store my husband's gun at his son's house. I really don't like this because his son approves and supports his father's addiction to porn. His son and his wife sat in my house on New Year's Day (I called a family meeting) and said that it's okay for my husband to see "escorts" because if it makes him happy he deserves to die happy! I told them thousands of dollars had been spent in the last few months and they said, "it's his money" but it's not it's both our money. They also support him drinking, internet porn and sat in my house telling me this!!!!! I am afraid that this worthless lowlife of a son-in-law would take my son's guns (he lives out of the country)...my son has a nice collection of some rare guns. I am caught in the middle and a loser anyway to throw the dice. I can't believe how out of control my life has become in the last 6 months. I don't know how much more I can take of this crap. Every day persents new at critical problems. I am totally worn down and have no where to turn to other than this site. Thank God for you caring people and this website.
So sorry for your desperate situation. You need professional help. Have you tried calling the 24 hr helpline at alz.org.com. Maybe someone there can help you.
Have you thought of seeking legal advice. There are really lots of places to turn for help...You live in a community property state and half of everything is yours. Also, contacting the police regarding his guns might be a first step.
lulliebird please take these suggestions, especially the one about professional help. Do not wait until it is too late.
I am feeling so bad for you, even though my mate did not have FTD or such horrid issues, just the strain that went with it all was over the top . YOU MUST TAKE ACTION!! Even if you have to leave.
lulliebird, where is that cutting torch? I'd lose that thing! Before I got rid of Lloyd's guns, I put them between the mattress and box springs while he wasn't around one day. He slept on them every night and never did find them. Of course, you could do this with a guest bed, too. Lloyd's guns are gone now and I find myself wanting a little one of my own.
lulliebird, as you know my husband has FTD but he's never owned guns, thank god. You've been given good suggestions above and perhaps one of them may work. I am very sympathetic to your situation and really hope you get peace, but now is the time to decide what YOU want. You must certainly get the guns out of the house and based on your previous posts, you should meet with the elder law atty to determine what you need to do to protect yourself. I advised in an earlier post to go see a divorce atty and see what options you have. I stayed with DH because we had a good marriage before FTD, I stil loved him and couldn't imagine leaving him by himself with this disease. However I have given myself permission to reevaluate what I want based on how his disease progresses particularly his difficult behaviors. You stated in an earlier post that you cannot leave him for financial reasons...I know this is easy to say but your life is not worth him killing you-either emotionally or physically. Please find help soon so you can stop being a prisioner of this disease and your indecision.
Judith kb, Yes I have seen two elder law attorney (separate firms) to get guardanship/convership to the tune of roughly (my cost $7,000) and husband's (he will need legal representation which I would have to pay...another $7,000 ---mind you, this is only a "retainer" and then billing hours kick in. Both attorney's said based on what I told them he could fool the judge because of his coping skills and we would have to call in the medical team...plus an investorgar would have to come out to our house and investigate our living situation. I am seeing probably a minium of $20,000-$25,000 out the door without a guarnantee.
Lorrie, I will contact the 24 hour alzheimer helpline and see what they suggest. In the past, they have made good suggestions (as you all have too).
Linda Mc, the cutting torch is own by my son-in-law, the mechanic, who approves of his dad's addicitions to sexuality issues I am having with spouse. No help with spouses help or care...well, I take that back they have an adgenda to pit me and hubby against one another because I am names sole beneficary 100 percent.
LFL, as always I look forward to your response based on your personal experience with FTD and all the behavioral issues which accompany it. I only wish husband would pass into the next stage where I could control him more because he's still pretty with it except no executive decisions are "severly impaired". Yes I am a prisioner in my home. My indecision is probably based on the fact that it's only been in a few short months I have been dealing with extreme behavioral issues. Prior to the move, he wasn't any degree this bad. Always hoping that he'll change back to the man he was, but that will never happen. Just hpe he get this "cracking the safe" out of his brain because he's really focused on it. On a plus note...he has finally consented for me to manage the bills and checking/saving accounts and that was a huge hurdle to conquer. Maybe after a few days he will accept the safe and I can have some peace :)
lulliebird - why did your son not just take the guns out of your house?
I agree - find somewhere else to store them. In the meantime, if you put a tablecloth over the safe to disguise it might that help? Besides the guns, I would also get every sharp knife out or put somewhere he does not have access.
Charlotte, my son lives out of the country so shipping them out or flying with them is out of the question. We did move them a one point to my other son's house but his wife doesn't want the responsibilty of them being stolen (they are rare and valueable) At one point, my husband was in agreement (only a few weeks ago) to having the safe with son's guns locked away. Husband is only mad because he want the combination to the safe which isn't going to happen.
About the knives....they are all gone except a bread knife which I have hidden. Box cutters, pocket knives and anything sharp are gone and have been for several weeks. Thanks for the tip though!!!!!!
Even if your DH settles down tomorrow about the gun safe, the issue could come back unannounced any time - with deadly consequences. For your safety, I really think those guns should be removed from your house. I understand your concern for your son’s collector guns, so why don’t you contact your son and tell him you can no longer have them in the house. Ask him to direct you on where he wants you to take them. I’m sure he’ll understand. He just might surprise you with an easy answer for where you could take his guns.
And your husband is never going to need his guns again. So find the best solution for you. Don't worry about anyone else and what they want.
Mary, A couple of months ago I contacted the Police Depart Non-Emergency number and they suggested a safe to store them in --I made them aware of husband's dementia. Yes, husband will never need them again and hasn't used them in over 7 years (trap shooting was his hobby).
So based on what the police said.....I went in half and half with son to purchase this gun safe. I am using it also for my personal useage... to store medicine, important medical documents, POA, and money so husband can't have access to these things. This is a huge safe----bolted down to the ground...weights over 1200 pounds. Personally, I don't think that husband could get into it...it's just the thought that he may try. I will call the gun shop where we purchased it Monday morning and see what they think about its security.
In the mean time...each one of you members I personally want to thank. I love you all and wish we didn't have to be connect here because of this most horrible disease, but I am so very grateful that Joan has turned her tragic situation and created a positive one by being creative and caring enough to have it available.
You might try to tell him what you think it the combination and when it doesn't work looked surprised. He won't remember next time and will not reason that maybe you don't know, but think up a fiblet for the moment like - that is what son said, I will have to contact him to get the right combo.
Is there a way you can cover it so he doesn't see it while he is asleep. make it a decoration in the room.
Charlotte, I would have never used fiblets 6 months ago. Within the last few months I have become the master of fiblets. Yes, I do believe that God understands!
I have a ironing board and a ladder against it now....I will add a bedroom sheet over it. It's so huge that he'd have to be blind not to see it. So far today he hasn't bought up the subject of the safe...only yesterday! Gosh when they get so focused on something...it's the damnest thing.
I have a feeling that if nothing is said about the safe he will forget about it. It may take a while. as you said put some stuff in front of it and /or over it and He may stop obsessing about it.
lulliebird, we've had similar and not so similar issues to deal with. My heart goes out to you because our FTD journey (as well as ohers) can be so difficult and with no warning. Please know I am here to listen and offer advice, suggestions which I think may help you on this horrible journey. If I offend you sometimes, I truly do not mean to...I really care about your safey and wellbeing and want to offer the best advice I can based on my experience. Of course we all know, if you've seen one dementia person, you've seen one dementia person.
By the way, if your husband is like mine, you will never be able to control him, you will just find a way to deal with the new behaviors and hopefully mitigate any collateral damage. FTD behaviors only get worse as the disease progresses, not better. They may be different behaviors but they are still very difficult. The geriatrician we saw in December said just that and told me until he can no longer walk and is bedbound he will behave worse and worse unless he is chemically restrained. Not a good future for either of you.
MaryinPA, I am hoping that you are right MaryinPA that he will forget about it. The safe is in the garage and he now rarely goes in there as he can no longer drive...he doesn't take out the trash...and when I take him somewhere now I move the car out of the garage and close the door so he can't see it. Perhaps, out of sight out of mind will work!
LFL, oh how sweet! I do feel like I know you as our journey is a little different than some others here. I appreciate your input.....yes, to be honest at first I was a little offended by a remark you made, but I was so overwhelmed. I honestly believe that you would never ever offend and you care....I see your character by your posts to me and others. It's nice to know that we aren't alone in this in this wicked and heartless disease. I only wish you weren't here to have to suffer. BTW, LFL, have you noticed that your spouse is having no muscle aches and stiffness? Recently husband can't tie his shoes and putting on his trousers is becoming more diffcult due to the stiffness. Don't know how how long this journey will last, but the patient's quality of life sucks.
lulliebird, forgiveness is a wonderful thing and please know I NEVER meant to offend, but sometimes the truth is hard to say and equally hard to hear. I will be here to help you on your journey and hopefully you'll be here for me as the others have been for so many years. No stiffness here - DH can do just about everything but needs "coaching". Remember we have an FTD dx with a possible dx of FTD mixed with AD. Considering dh is probably mid stage 6 on the Fisher scale for AD I am grateful he can still dress with coaching/assistance and do most things with guidance/help. He is still continent. But bouts of aggression/anger still occur. Each journey is different but in many ways the same.
Don't trust you SIL. Sounds like an idiot. You may have to tell him that the safe is your son' s property and you will press charges if he insists in helping your husband.
The safe sounds secure. It would have been better to store the guns elsewhere, such as a gun locker, but your other son is gone.
But get rid of the ammunition. If you can't handle the guns have someone you trust to make sure that none of them are loaded, I think you wrote that some were loaded. Never underestimate the ingenuity of someone with dementia when they really want something.
As to the cost of guardianship. I had to consider that due to my wife's insistence that I get it. My lawyer had met my father and advised against it and pointed out the many barriers.
I recently took over as guardian for my developmentally disabled sister, and the process wasn't bad. I live in another state and so I relied on a lawyer to do it all, but I was told the court (at least in Massachusetts) is quite helpful. The lawyer hired a psychologist to do the evaluation, which left no doubt that she needed a guardian. You have a much more difficult situation, but I wanted to comment on the underlying process for anyone who may be facing it who has a clearer case.
LFL, Yes, I will try a help you also on your journey with FTD...(I don't know if you are aware that my spouse also has AD as does yours). We have a double dosage of dementia don't we? I don't know exactly what Fisher scale for AD we're at but according to my research it's 5. Neuro apt. is on the books in the next 2 weeks so I need to ask....does FTD have a Fischer scale or other measurement? I have been researching this dementia and can't find any measurement guidelines. Hope that your week goes well...and thanks for your input regarding my posts. You helpfulness is very much appreciated as is everyones.
Paulc, bingo....yes SIL is a certified idiot! lol...the 2 laywers I have seen are saying at the point I have many barriers to control with my spouse due to his great covering up skills. Due to the cost of the guardianship and the new state laws I would be risking a huge gamble and the final outcome could in the end be more costly than just the attorney fees. Thanks for your input
pamsc, I am glad to hear the you guardianship for your developmentally sister went smooth. Each state has different guide lines and the state which we are live is very strict due to a recent highly published abuse which was discovered. Because I have many gray areas and spouse has a son in the area who would fight me tooth and nail...I will stay statis quo until I feel there would be no question that spouse is incompent. He can do may things very well and memory isn't that bad...it's all about bad judgement due to FTD.
Lulliebird, I recommend http://ftdsupportforum.com. Progression in FTD varies widely and there aren't good scales. You will find lists people assembled of symptoms and stages they appear in. But be aware, most people with FTD have symptoms from multiple stages so this doesn't make things clear and no one has all of the symptoms in their life and the order of the symptoms can vary.
Paulc, thank you for this info. Does your wife have FTD? I have seen that many of my husband's AD stages overlap. My husband, according to my observation, is in stage 4 with some deficits of stage 5. His FTD is more advanced and is the source and cause of most of his/my issues ....I will def. check out site ...thanks :)
lullie, to my knowledge and pauls comments there aren't FTD stages like they have for ALZ. My husband has always crossed all the ALZ stages-when he was in early stages of memory loss with a ton of behavioral issues due to FTD, he could no longer "toilet" himself well. I had to throw out a dozen or more underpants due to stains, but he could drive, read and understand what he read, have a conversation but not recall it 10 mins later. I still use the Fisher stages as a guideline for his decline knowing it is not exact because he has FTD. The FTD site helps, but I find this one is more helpful.
Paulc, I am very sorry to hear that you are dealing with TBI with FTD. I wish you strenght and comfort as you deal daily with the phyical and emotional challenges. Take care in your journey and thank you for sharing this webiste.
LFL, Yes, I am seeing many crossing over stages in the AD journey. The FTD site is very informative however, this site has the information but more importantly the one on one inter-personal interaction which we need. The medical professionals understand the medical challenges, but they have no idea what is like to have a husband or wife with this disease. They can walk away after an 10 hour shift, but we live and breath this disease 24/7 with all our being. Thank you for always being faithful in your replies and help. You are an asset to this webiste!!!!!!!!!