I THINK THAT PROBABLY ONE OF MY CHILDREN IS ANGRY BECause he hardly talks to me anymore. If he does it's only about him. It's my fault as I kind of told him off a couple of months ago which he did not take kindly. I was feeling so alone. In my defense, I have to say I was sick at the time and said more than i should have said as he has been keeping his distance. I have written a letter of apology which he has not acknowledged. But he did come today for 4 hours. It hurts me a lot. It could be that he is angry at the whole scenario what with his Dad in the home with the dreaded disease and the liklehood of having those genes. What with having shots to my eyeball for macular degeneration and around it my for blephrospasms, I am somewhat paranoid as to what next.
midwestmn, I am sorry that your are having problems with your eyesight compounded by a spouse ill with alzheimers. Nothing is worse than being lonely when are adult kids distance themselves away from us. I am having this problem with my one son. I am very isolated living in a new city which I recently located to only to be closer to him and his family for emotional support. They have disappointed me .....I spent Thanksgiving and Christmas alone while they vacation out of state and I cared for their home and two dogs. I have met a few new friends in my neighborhood, but because I am caring for my spouse I am confined more to the home. I don't know why my son has shunned me either but I guess they just are so hung up in their one adgenda. This hurts because we expected more from our adult "kids" and if the shoe was on the other foot we would be their for them. I am speechless with no advice to help you. Please remember you aren't alone and that you can come to this site for support and advice. I wish that tomorrow will bring you a better day and possibly your son will be more supportive. Hugs to you.
I don't have a solution either. One of our kids, who is planning a trip back to the US to see her adult kids and her mom too and sister, said she would stay and visit with her dad for a about 10 days if I go on a trip and only a few if I don't. Right now, I have a large bill facing me for some lawn work, sprinklers and control timer to get out water bills down and to repair the yard from too much soggy soils..On top of that I am adjusting to an antidepressant med ( so far not too bad) and I also now have some in home help..what $$ grows on trees? I would prefer her to plan her stay with her dad without putting the onus on me to leave so she would stay longer to help with his care or fewer days if I don't go..he is the one who is losing mobility, he is losing him short term memory and for my money she needs to spend more time with him...and see her kids too but for once put more time with him.. I had a chat with a niece whose mother also has this disease..she lives out of state too..and she said it is so hard to see her mother with these changes and that she doesn't know her some of the time....and wants to remember her the way she was as her mother... Well good golly Miss Molly...how selfish....I suppose the kids would rather remember the parent as they were..strong and vital...and WE WOULDN'T??? This person is the love of our life and we have no escape but to watch the steady decline. I have only one thing to remind people who think like this kind of kid..." what goes around comes around" by which I mean, when you find yourself in a bind don't expect me to jump through hoops, your situation DOES NOT CONSTITUTE AND EMERGENCY ON MY PART". That may sound tough but life is hard and for people to avoid someone who took care of them when there were little, put them through school and sacrificed for them and then when they are in the later years and in frail health to have an attitude like that should not expect to be remembered in any other way..and that may well include estate planning too.
Mimi--hidden in your post are answers to some of your issues. As regards the Daughter's terms for visiting your DH , she's told you her position. Ask yourself if she could be relied on to stay the longer time if you complied--could she opt out early because of his declined condition? My approach might be to plan a short time away (2-3 days) then tell her how long, she visits beyond thatm is her choice. She'll be welcome for as long as she chooses.
It's been my experience and observation that we become Caregivers by default. Other relaives (adult children and others) are more than willing to leave it to us, but reserve the right to criticize. Underlying reasons are fear of the disease and of it getting them too; hurt and sadness at the decline they see; and many others. MTheir criticism comes because they do care and want the best for him---just not on their clock.
When faced with this in my DH's family, I tried early on to inform them and keep them updated. When it became apparent that they didn't want to hear it from me,and no amount of explanation did any good, I finally realized my focus hadto be on DH. I could not make them listen nor understand and THAT was not my job. My job was doing what was best for DH. Beyond updates, I had no responsibiloity to them regarding their views and feelings. However, their interference was a further problm I dealt with,right up until after his Memorial Service. I've heard nothing from my in-laws since a month after the service TMhatm was a 2 minutme phone call........and sad to say, I don't miss them at all.
Thanks Carosi2, Mimi, and Lullibird for addressing my situation. It feels good to have someone giving me some comfort without my having to feel whiney! I just finished talking to a daughter in law who would be there for me , but they live in a big city 2 hours from here and she and our son have responsible jobs and children. It makes me wonder about the advisability of moving to that big city for my oldest years. I know people around here, but those people will become fewer and fewer as we all grow older. Any advice on this? I know this is another thread. I am 80.
If you had asked me a month ago, I would have told you how supportive and loving our two sons are. Then one of them sat me down and asked me not to tell him negative things about his Dad's illness. He finds it a burden and exhausting! I was floored and hurt. Especially since I go over there a lot to help because they have small children. Once I calmed down I tried to adjust my attitude to one of gratitude that I have good friends who I can talk to honestly. Also this son is still quite young and so I guess it's just too much for him to handle. (wish I had that option). But for a while I was disappointed to think I had raised this person.
midwestern - you have done your part and apologized. The ball is now in his court. The hardest thing we can do is to let go after apologizing. You must also forgive him and once you forgive him it releases him. Whether he ever sees any of his actions as needing forgiven, there still is the part of you forgiving him.
Our nature is to want to keep apolozing until they change, but that just wears us down. I apologized numerous times to my kids, especially daughter, for not being the mother she needed. As I had to forgive my mom for not being the mother I needed even though she did the best she could with what she had at the time, my daughter must also come to that point. I have refused to apologize anymore - which was not easy at first -and she is slowly (I think) coming around.
You have apologized, now give him his space and time. The fact he has come around, especially stayed for 4 hours, says a whole lot. You must put it behind you for your sake cause worrying over it is a stress you don't need. He may never want to talk about it again, or, as time goes by he may bring it up and let you know he accepts your apology.
You are probably correct - it has got to be on his mind about the gene. If he has done any research on the disease he must know the younger onset AD has a greater chance of genetic, and if not genetic at least a stronger tendency. Instead of being hurt by the anger, hurt for the turmoil that is probably going on in his heart and mind concern his dad's illness and the possiblity he might end up the same way.
My heart goes out to you. After my husband's diagnosis and learning all the family history of the disease- I now if thankful God never allowed me to have children. If either of our kids get it, it will not be due to our genes since they are both adopted. You do not have that luxury and with all going on with your husband I am sure you also wonder about your kids future.
Ring, I here you loud and clear about your son! Mine one son (that lives in the city) and his wife don't want to hear anything! However, they are the first to call me when they have problems with their kids (my grandchildren). Funny --NOT---but isn't the door suppose to swing both ways? Ring, so much of what you post sounds excactly like me(right down to not wearing our wedding rings). Too bad you don't live in my city because I'd have you over for coffee or wine. No make it wine...and we could really whine! lol
Midwestmm, I have found with my children (and most women and men in general) that girls/women have a need to talk everything out and boys/men work it out in their heads and go on without talking things out. From what you have told us, I think that you son is coming around "his way," so I agree with Charlotte and, as hard as it may be, just be nice to your son and take the 4-hours when you can get it. He probably had his feelings hurt and is still healing.
I have had a daughter-thing going on for several years, so I know how it can cause concern when we feel that things are not right.
My son lived nearby & was always helpful, altho he had his own life, of course. After 10 yrs when DH became dangerous, I had to place him & son went with me. Afterwards we talked in my kitchen & my son said many things for the first time, and it was then, after so many years, that I realized how much he had lost, and I knew the dreams he had about his father, the things they would have done together, they were always close. I felt bad because all that time I'd thought only about my loss. Some children are able to cope, but I think for others, it may be that it is just too much, that it is easier to distance themselves. Yes, too many are just selfish and indifferent, but sometimes they are just angry at life.
Thanks for sharing that Bettyhere. I was so devastated by my husband's dx and then things went downhill so fast that I was just in survival mode emotionally. Because my sons don't really talk about their feelings it completely escaped me that they were devastated too. Now that thiings have improved and settled down a bit I'm able to take a breath and look around. Hopefully I can view their behaviour with compassion and understanding and be grateful for how much love and support they are able to provide within their comfort levels.
Last night on OPHA's show...the woman they had on stated this and I found it interesting and kind of what you all that have sons are talking about. ...."Men talk in headlines and women talk in fine print". I do believe that is so true.