I am sorry but when I talk about AD and someone tells me their 80-90 grandparent is in a care center in another state and it is so hard and stressful for them, I just dont feel any sympathy.
As I see it there are only two REAL TRAGEDIES in the AD world. One is spouse dementia. The destruction of a marriage and a loving relationship. I would be just preaching to the choir to elaborate any further to this group.
The other real heart breaking dementia tragedy is a teenager who has a parent with dementia. There is so much going on in the teen years and redefining your relationship with your parents as you establish yourself as an adult is fraught with its own problems. When a teen has to become a caregiver to their dementia parent and the normal separation process doesn't occur, there must be some long term damage that has yet to be recognized.
In the current issue of People magazine (Feb 11, 2013) there is the story of an 18 y/o boy caring for his 48 y/o mother. (not well described she actually has FTD) It seems her symptoms began at age 38 when he was 6 years old(!) He has been doing care giving for 12 years already. House chores, medications, bill paying and now driving.
His quote "the hardest thing for me is not knowing what an actual mom is" Sad, sad, sad
This issue has Tim McGraw on the cover and the (short) article is on page 90. Look for it in the checkout line if nothing else.
Yes, m-mman, I agree with you. But I guess people are just trying to look for a common bond when they mention the grandparent. Truth is, AD is a horrible thing and stressful wherever it occurs, but since we know that we will all fail in physical or mental or both capacities when we are very elderly, the tragedy seems a little less sharp. Except, of course as you say, for the spouse losing the partner.
My 4 kids did see their dad failing throughout their adolescent years--for the youngest (who is now 20) it started at least by the time he was 12. I asked him recently if he remembered his dad being fully functional, and he thought about it and said not really.
You left out parents who have children with dementia.
The article about Tracy (Youngblood) was short and more about her son than her. I know Tracy and her biggest dream has been to attend her son's high school graduation. I had not heard from her for a year, now hearing from her since the article, so happy that it looks like that will happen.
The article is also on People's web site. http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20669645,00.html
I have worked with Tracy Mobley. She used to write a monthly blog for this website. (Go to the home page, and put Tracy Mobley into the search box in the previous blog section). There is a section on the left side of the website for the camp she started for kids taking care of parents with dementia. What stood out starkly to me in the article was the absence of any mention of her husband. Does anyone know if they divorced? What happened to him? The last time I spoke with Tracy, which was 2010, he was still in the picture, but struggling with having a spouse with dementia. This is the blog she wrote about it from her perspective - http://www.thealzheimerspouse.com/TracyMobleyGuestBlog2.htm I urge you to read it. We discuss all of the time how WE feel about losing our spouses to dementia. In the blog, you get to see it from the other side.
On the left side of the website, there is also a link to a website for kids taking care of parents with dementia. I don't know if Austin is aware of it. A kid just like him started it.
Kids who grow up in a single parent home are also at a deficit. My dad left when I was 18 mos old and Mom never remarried. Left me pretty cluless about certain facets of chemistry.
M..mmman, I couldn't agree with you more. These absent relatives ( son and daughters) who rarely if ever contact their alzheimers parents gripe the living crap out of me. They wimper and whime about how stressful it is on them, but are clueless about their care or needs. They are a products of this me, myself and I generation. The generation of he would dies with the more toys wins. When their beloved parent dies they'll make their debut for the funeral with tears spilling down their cheeks, but where were they when the father or mother or grandparent wondered where they were? Tomorrow is my husband's birthday....out of 4 kids I wonder how many will call to wish him a happy birthday? Maybe 1???? So typical....but they have the balls to itcize my care! Sounding off loud and clear!
PaulC I thought about situations involving 'parents with AD children' but since AD is a disease of aging (average age of onset is 73) it would be the rarest AD relationship.
That said, I do need to add that my 80 y/o parents do help care for my 62 y/o wife (their daughter in law) so it does happen. . . . . Jim
I'm so sad to hear that. I understand how difficult it is to be an Alzheimer Spouse, and doubly so when the parties involved are so young.............but to leave Austin to take care of his mother alone? I find that reprehensible.
Yes, Joan it's very sad indeed however, I can't judge her spouse because we don't know all the facts. None the less, it's very sad for a teenager to be place in the position.