Curious....how many of you have emotionally divorced your spouses? I have found as this disease has progressed and I have encountered more and more behavioral problems from infideity, verbal abuse and cruelity that as a survival mechanism I have emotionally divorced "him". I wonder if this is a common coping skill?
Know what you are going through. I transitioned not to divorce but to a parent/child relationship. I am sure others will chime in and share their stories. I think the bottom line is that the relationship definitely changes and the coping mechanism and end result is possibly based on what the marriage was like before dementia. Know you are not alone.
yes, I have emotionally divorced myself from my H but when you do that (or when I did that) be prepared for it not to work all the time. As much as we try to do it we can't accomplish it completely. I wish I could but something keeps making me try to MAKE him be a H even though I know that I know that there is no chance in @#$! that it will ever happen. The days that I can do it successfully are good days. The longer I have to do it the harder it gets to do, you would think it would get easier but it doesn't. I think it is because I know that it is not normal to be this way but NOTHING about this life is normal.
Yup! did it about 4-5 years ago. Learned about it here too. :-)
I didn't know WHY I kept having problems and feeling stress. Turns out I too kept TRYING to make her be a 'wife'.
As soon as I gave up and began to think of myself as single and plan for my future as a single person, then things began to make sense and I could go on.
Now I have no problem doing everything around the house plus seeing to her needs. Well truthfully I get tired doing everything, but at least now it makes sense. . . .
That's a hard term to give a very specific definition to, but I think many of do feel like we've partially coped by doing a certain amount of distancing ourselves emotionally.
I think the need for the strategy may come and go--for example, early on, when you are acutely experiencing the loss of your spouse's ability to interact with you, understand you, be empathetic with you, there may be a greater need to try to insert a sort of emotional buffer between yourself and the effect of his/her behavioral changes. Later, when the disease has progressed to the point where the AD spouse is in a very dependent, child-like state, we sometimes find that our compassion is renewed, we've gotten through the worst, and we are no longer so hurt by the loss because we have a completely different kind of relationship with them now.
I have also "emotionally divorced" my DH..........although I have my ups and downs......I really miss the physical aspect of our marriage, but the physical attraction is no longer there. He is never mean to me...never says a hurtful word...but...he is always on the internet looking at dating websites, porn......even going as far as printing out pics and putting them up on his bulletin board in his hobby room...........I made him take them down. I have asked him not to look at those things on the internet....I have lectured him...but he keeps on trying to do it. I have put a block on these sites, but he still manages to find those pictures. The other day I found some that he hid in a drawer...I think I should look under the mattress too...lol!! He is like a 15 yr old boy. My role has wife has changed...I am now the Mother
Emily, you are so right,now thatDH is so dependent and like a child I have more patience in caring for him.He has changed also in accepting the fact that he has to depend on me.Things are much easier than a few yers ago.
Emotional divorce is so much harder when they are sweet, loving, appreciative, etc. He has never had behavioral problems but like scs, we have transitioned to a parent/child relationship. In this kind of relationship, you don't expect them to be a partner anymore. You just take care of them like you would a child and then you also take care of everything else.
Definite emotional divorce. I even took off my wedding ring (I prefer not to wear any jewelry). When he complains about lack of connection between us I remember something Emily wrote years ago about how he wouldn't be feeling connected even if I was giving more because his receiver is broken.
The funny thing is that my husband says he now feels we are closer than ever.Maybe because I had my own life before the disease ,he traveled a lot . Now I am devoting 24hrs. a day to his care.And actually we are both happy ,how long this will last,who knows?But for now it is Okay.
for me -the coping skills, well it is now more like a separation under the same roof. its a child/parent relationship most of the time now, and i realize how vulnerable, dependent, and absolute care he needs from me now. the 'us' relationship is mainly in memories and always when the nostalgia sweeps in bringing me to excruciating pangs of loss and remorse of what will not be. and the everlasting status that we are in now. our emotional defense mechanisms kick in over time whether we chose of not. in a kind way, if there is anything positive about coping, its over time our senses dull and we learn to live in the now of whatever we are dealt. the pain of the circumstances is that we must face death first before being able to consider life again. a true travesty. divvi
Nothing moves along the emotional divorce like when they become aggressive - physically and verbally. I haven't seen the man a married for a long time now and have made my peace with never seeing him again. I now look after his bodily needs - hygene and food, no physical attraction there at all - and the new guy that has moved into his brain.
This is the original article that started the previous discussions on emotional divorce - http://www.zarcrom.com/users/alzheimers/ca-09.html
When I first read this article, I was horrified. I could not imagine divorcing myself emotionally from my husband/lover/friend/ support system/. I could not and would not do it. Unfortunately, I need not have worried about it. It happened by itself. The more he advanced into dementia, the less like person I fell in love with and married he became. It took years, but I finally realized that he was not going to meet my emotional needs ever again. I don't think I'll ever accept it. I prefer to say that I have had no choice but to adjust to it.
I appreciate all the input on my question of "how many are emotionally divorced" from their former spouses. The responses have helped clarify why I feel the way I do in my new caretaker role. As many of you have stated it's all part of the adjusting to this dark, unknown journey we are traveling. I believe that as the disease progresses I will probably cross-over into the role as child/parent, but currently I "adjust, adjust, adjust" by being emotionally divorced.
FERGIE---my spouse a few months ago was into internet porno. I curtailed it by using the "tool" at the top to minizie the font down to 10 percent before closing out. This way your spouse will not be able to see photos on the internet. My spouse never has figured out how to maxizie the size and now has given up using the computer. Please watch your credit credits on the internet porn and also "phone sex". My spouse kicked it up a notch and then was visiting "escorts" almost daily spending thousands in only a few months. I say this not to scare you, but only to alert you to this. Be viligant.....watch your savings, checkbooks, and credit cards! I am sorry that you are having to go though this....it's very painful.
lulliebird, I too went through the rages & verbal abuse & I emotionally divorced my DH. A very wise young woman here (Nikki) told those of us going through this that once her DH was placed the feelings of love would come back. At the time I didn't believe her, but after my DH was placed, sure enough I felt the love again. It was definitely a different kind of love, but it was love.
joang, thanks for the website on "emotional divorce"...makes me feel that I am doing what he the doctor recommends :)
It's a strange role that we as caretaking spouses are in. I am in limbo....I can't really say I am married, divorced, or single. In social functions I feel out of step and I relate more with the widows than the marrieds or singles
I agree with paulc. It IS more difficult when my DH is in a good mood. In addition, after 4 years of seemingly constant decline, it feels like he is at a plateau. I'm sure there is still decline, it just must be more insidious at the moment. As far as emotionally divorcing my DH, I felt myself doing that early on. I went searching the web for some information related to what I was going through and it brought me here. Thank goodness - and Joan!!
I too have emotionally divorced my husband. I no longer need anxiety medication so I know I am headed in the right direction. I too removed my wedding ring. It is definitely a parent-child relationship and some days are better than others. I feel much better having done this and feel it is okay to move on with my life. It has also enabled me to come to the decision to place him in assisted living. we are going for an assessment this morning. I know there are many people that would probably be able to keep him home longer but I raised 5 children already and am really tired now and do not want to raise a 6th. I am beginning to think about all the changes this will mean for me. On some level it will be easier without the daily 24/7 care but I know that placing him does not end the journey. there will be visits to make as well as new professionals to interact with but I also know that change and adjustment isI part of the game. I think many people (including me earlier in the journey)tried to hang on to the husband and try to get him to go back to the way he was. All it did was cause tremendous anxiety for me and more frustration for him.
I've tried to emotionally divorce my husband but have not been successful. I still very much love the man I married even though his dementia has turned him into an aggressive, spoiled 3 yo and someone who I really don't know anymore. But then he has a memory, a smile or whatever which lets me know he is still in there somewhere. Many days I'm just numb, perhaps that's my version of emotional divorce.
CO2...i too tried to hang on to the husband he was before all this...can't do that anymore.
I'm starting to think that perhaps I can start to emotionally divorce DH now. yesterday was DD's 50th birthday we went to visit DH and he didn't know who she was...who is she?, he asked...broke my heart. DD seemed to cope and handle it well, she is the practical one in the family. it was going to happen, Mum she said, so don't get upset too much when he doesn't know you...see Mum, he really does need to be in here. i have seen a big decline in him just in the last week. Appearance, looking very frail and old. Rambles on and on about nothing, i can't understand a word he says, and he gets angry at me for that.
All of your comments struck home so hard, and so much of yours divvi.the nostalgia and the coping skills that come whether we look for them or not. Oh we all have so much in common here, like when we welcome a new member, sorry you have to be here, but welcome.
Each time I go to see him, it is amazing how the denial is still there, oh, when I get there will he be the old Dado?- this is not real.
I just spent two days away, have not seen him since Friday, and am now on my way. I am trying to do what is best for both of us, and even for the new caregivers.
So off I go, how will he be? My precious precious man I miss you so, and Dado you would be happy to know, the comfort I receive here.
From all the feedback I thought I was the only one who was no longer wearing my beautiful diamond wedding rings. They have sat in the drawers now for several years and I have no intention to ever wear them as long as he is alive. After he has past I may decide to place them on my right finger, but for now they will remain in the drawer.
I don't know if this questions is too personal, but for those of you who have successfuly "emotionally divorced" your spouses, does that mean you are now or are in the future willing to have an affair, take a lover, etc.?
My husband went through a month or more of constant sleeping and during the times he was awake he was on his computer and basically ignoring me. I tried to talk to him about it and told him how lonely I was but while he apologized and planned to stop, of course it went on. Right now, he's much better but during that time I found myself wondering if it would matter if I found someone else as long as I was discreet. DH would never know, and it would not affect my commitment to him.
The thing is I've been married over 30 years and have never strayed - it's just not who I am. But I do get so lonely sometimes and know this is not something that's likely to get better over time.
Wondering what other spouses think about this subject?
Hummm. . . . yes. . . . sigh. . . . a not uncommon BUT IMPORTANT question around here . . . .
The book & news report of "Jan's story" is what you need to search for. http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-3445_162-6600364/jans-story-love-and-early-onset-alzheimers/
This has been discussed frequently and the postings can be found in the search feature :-)
In a very short answer: 1. It is a very personal decision 2. Nobody around here would ever judge anyone concerning this activity. 3. To participate or be interested in doing this seems to be VERY REALTED to the age of the normal spouse. Some have stated that they are too old for any of 'that stuff anymore' others have said they are keeping an open mind and an open eye to opportunites.
The lesson that has come back from our "surviors" (widows & widowers) is that there IS a life and possible 2nd relationships after it is over. But should a new relationship be started before then? See #1 above. As an FYI we have had members of this board marry each other after their AD spouses died.
Ring, I have emotionally divorced my spouse, but I am not ready to get involved with anyone now. Possibly later...yes, I am very lonely and miss the companionship of a man but I don't need to get someone involved with my baggage. As mm-man said I don't believe anyone here would judge because we understand the loneinless however, anyone who has not experience this may not understand our situation. I have a stranger in my house who is in his world which I can't enter into. Apathy....much apathy with this disease FTD
My emotional divorce started the first time he called me some really awful names and then hit me. That was not the man I was married at that time for 25 years. I moved out to an apartment and stayed there for 1 1/2 years. Met someone and became involved with him.
Over that time I came to realize that there was definetly something wrong with him and when I had a diagnosis of AZ I moved back to take care of him and my home. The marriage never came back. Now entering into the 4 period of violence I can't wait for him to get to the point where I can place him.
There is a new man in my hubby's brain and I didn't marry him.
Ring...you might want to do a search on "Dating again" or something similar. I think you will find the general attitude is one of tolerance. The thing about "emotional divorce" though, is that it generally (if one feels one does it,) comes fairly early in the Alzheimer's process. Most of us seem to feel that we would only consider having another love interest much later than that--not until our spouse has passed the point where he/she could be hurt by it, or understand what was occurring.
Amber, my emotional divorce came recently when me spouse cheated on him with "professionals" almost daily. Yes, to tolerate physical, mental, or emotional abuse is intolerant. I believe for a caretaker spouse to survive we must develop coping skills and to detach ourselves is healthy. I will care for him, but this one person who moved into my husband's brain isn't who I married. I look forward to the day when I can focus only on my needs....I know this my sound selfish to some, but I have placed his needs (before he was dx even though I knew there were brain issues) before mine. I have neglected my needs and I am lonely inspite someone is in the next room watching television. I long so much for adult compansionship..someone to hold my hand...a shoulder to lean on....is this asking too much? I miss living......I am too young to live a life or giving with no thanks and only insults in return. The weekends are always the worst. Please forgive my pity party! Yes, I too look forward to the day when my life is my own.
I have been the one kicking and thrashing all these years insisting over and over, NO! I will never emotionally divorce from Lynn. And I didn't, but I did build those protective walls we are all so handy at building. For me it wasn't detaching, it was more protecting myself- self preservation. Through it all, I was able to hold onto the love, and still do to this day. Now that doesn't mean there weren't times I didn't like him one bit, there were many of those times during the difficult middle stages. Fortunately for me, I was able to separate him into two people, "my Lynn" and the poor bastard being swallowed up by Alzheimer's disease.
Then again lullie, I did not have the horrible behavior issues you are dealing with. God only knows what I would have had to do if faced with what you are dealing with. We each do what we must to survive, there is no right or wrong.
You don't sound selfish to me, you sound like a survivor! ((hugs))
Nikki, It's so good to hear from you...as I haven't seen any posts from you on this site in some time. I hope that you are doing well along with Lynn. I am trying to emotionally divorce myself from husband, but not with 100% success as I find myself falling back. I really don't know the difference between "survior mode" and "emotionally divorce" because in my case they over lap. The bottom line for me (and we all have our ways of coping) is to move on with my life. Yes, I will try and be there with him as long as I can tolerate his bahavior, which as you well know is well over the top. According to others members with spouses with FTD I will never be able to control him. However, that is not to say that I can't control MY situation, map it out, and direct my ship into safer waters.
lullie, you have an excellent attitude and outlook! That's a great thing as you will need plenty of both ...... We can only do the best we can, no more, no less. YOU deserve to be happy too, and I wish you a safe and peaceful trip as you set your sails. ♥
Aww, Nikki, you always know theright and comforting words to say. Thanks....I wish you the best as always though your rocky waters. With determination we will land on solid grounds and we will be stronger and wiser than before this journey. (((hugs)))
TO...LULLIEBIRD........Since I strongly suspect infidelity on his part, because of his addiction to internet porn, and those sick "interactive sex" sites, especially since he had my son hook him up to SKYPE. (Keep in mind he knows no one who has SKYPE, so what the hell else does he need it for????) I am done with intimacy. God only knows what else he is doing, considering he is living on his own, and seems to function very well on the surface. I don't feel emotionally divorced, but I feel invisible and dead to him now that I refuse to be intimate. ...which infuriates him....and then all the other awful treatment to me ensues. I've caught him in suspicious lies, and really do think he is being active out there on an intimate basis. As such, what I feel most hurtful for....is being a wife who's 44 year marriage is destroyed by marital infidelity. And I just can't live with him anymore. I have no interest in meeting any men whatsoever. With my luck, I'd only meet more men who are beset with similar demons and disease. No thanks!!!! He obviously is not at the stage where he needs me. When that does happen, I just hope I have the fortitude to not weaken and let him back. Right now, he comes and helps me with the house and chores I need to to do, but at the same time, since I will no long engage in intimacy, he now treats me like a service call. His detachment when he does come to help, is just as hurtful to me, but I need his help and have to suffer with the callous behavior he exhibits. But I also know that even when we were still intimate, he would be my loving husband for no more than a month and then all the abuse would start in again anyway. Yes, the more I give, it wouldn't matter.... because as Pam wrote on this thread, his receptor is broken. And so is his wife!!!!!
hi Gina, my DH wasn't diagnosed with FTD particularly but vascular and alzheimers concurrently. and he has shown in earlier years, what you describe as sexual issues associated with the FTD. while it may be intensified with FTD, I think when the screws are loose in the sexual drive it is going to happen regardless of the type of dementia. many of us over time find that having sexual relationships with our spouses after they show these hurtful symptoms becomes v ery difficult to nil. and as the disease progresses they become more infantile as well which is a huge turnoff to most of us. while they are high functioning we see that they can get into sexual promiscuity easily with the on line services. and without the safety concerns could contract a myriad of sexual diseases if they are active. for that reason alone and the inability to get them diagnosed most of us, or any reasonable spouse would eliminate sexual responses. you seem to be moving back and forth from not wanting to have anything to do with him to feeling sorry and wanting to help. and that can be quite confusing and cause anguish not knowing which way to go. many here have had a hard time getting them diagnosed and until that happens and they progress further into the disease and come more compliant, it will be difficult to address the ability to help. your safety is primary and above all else. if mine was aggressive and uncontrollable with medications I would also opt to stay away and not provoke his wrath. it can come on quite suddenly and be violent. no words of wisdom here, just sympathetic to your situation which isn't uncommon on these boards. others who are dealing with this hopefully will have more to offer in terms of helpful ideas. take care of yourself. divvi
Divvi has given you excellent advice. Your safety is one. As she said they can become provoked without any reason. They maybe hallucinating...their brains are being destroyed and all reasoning skills and filters are shut down. Stay alert all times and "harmless as a dove and as wise as a serpert" is what my former Pastor advised.