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    • CommentAuthorElaine K
    • CommentTimeJan 31st 2013
     
    I'm just wondering what experience any of you have had in preparing your LO for the death of a family member. My DH's mother is very ill, on hospice care and the end will probably be within the next week or two. He has absolutely no ability to see that her health has deteriorated drastically. Every Monday for a long time, he has had lunch with her. She would prepare the meal and they would spend at least an hour or two together. She hasn't been able to cook for the last six months, so his sister has been preparing the meal. However he thinks his mother is still doing the cooking although he's been told many times that she isn't.

    I really don't think there is any way to prepare him for the inevitable. He couldn't understand why she wasn't eating with them the other day. He was always very close to his mother and I'm very afraid of his reaction when she dies. Just wondering if any of you have encountered this situation and have any wisdom to share in this regard.
  1.  
    Your dh may not even know the actual meaning of death anymore.

    My dh's sister had been in a nursing home with AD for 4 yrs in a comatose condition. DH saw her just once before he forgot who his siblings were. When she passed away in December, I told him. He looked at me and said, "OH,". Never mentioned her again. Took him to the wake and she was not recognizable. I didn't push the issue. He never said a word about her on the way home or ensuing days. I knew then she was gone from memory.

    You should tell him when his mother passes and watch for his reaction. It may not be what you anticipate.
  2.  
    When our daughter Diane died and we had the funeral, I took him with us to the service at the Church, but he didn't realize what was happening. I didn't explain anything to him because he couldn't comprehend it. THAT was devastating to me!! And she was living with us and my co-caregiver at the time! You have to chose your words and your timing on this.

    Sometimes the less we say, the better. He may remember one time but not the next. They have said that when asking about their parents long after their parents are deceased, and you tell them that they died, they experience the total grief as if it just happened, so it is better to say "they have gone away" or something similar without being specific.

    Each individual situation is different - but remember our main saying "The reason button is broken" - some minutes they can comprehend, others they can't, and to repeat things over and over when death is involved hurts everyone. You will have to determine what to say - as you would to a child - based upon his stage in the disease.

    Nothing about this insidious disease is easy.
  3.  
    When DH niece died, we went to the service and he thought it was a great party, all the family together, talking, and later eating, just a great day. He didn't understand. So when my DH brother died, I never told him. By that time he was well into the disease and if he understood, he'd soon forget. There is no reason why your DH has to be told that his mother has died. He will grieve for a moment if he understands, but then he'll forget and ask about her again, and if you repeat that she died, he'll grieve again. It is you and the family who will have to live the lie in order to keep him from grieving over and over. Tell him she's at the market, she'll be back soon -- or whatever. And there is no way, no way that you can prepare him. No way. I hate to say such things, but it is the nature of the disease. There could be exceptions, but the way it is for most -- they are told someone has died, they grieve, ask again, grieve again -- they cannot grieve and then go on with their lives the way the rest of us do.
  4.  
    When my son was murdered, I did tell DH. It was a month after his death that his Memorial service was held; and DH's son/wife, my sister/husband (that's all the relatives we have now); came. He did understand the service, but soon afterwards he forgot we had the service and would ask when it was. Then later, he forgot the death and wants to call my son. Not sure now that he knows what 'death' is. It's a dilemma to know what to tell them and what not to tell them. And...they all react differently.
    • CommentAuthorLFL
    • CommentTimeJan 31st 2013
     
    Within a year after dx DH's brother died from AD at age 66. At the time, DH was probably in early-mid stage 5 and had the capacity to understand death and even remember who died. I told him, he cried and we went to the service. Now that DH is in mid-late stage 6, I doubt he would understand death so I'm not sure how I would handle it. By my calculation he will most likely be the next one to die, but you never know...
    • CommentAuthorElaine K
    • CommentTimeJan 31st 2013
     
    Thanks everyone for your input. Yes, it really is tricky, but he's going to need to know. His mother and sister live in a house we own, which is only 1/2 block from ours. He walks past there several times a day on his numerous walks.

    Some days I think his memory is like swiss cheese -- full of holes and not sure which memories are gone. He knows his father is dead, which occurred seven years ago. He does not remember we had a daughter who was stillborn in 1990, nor does he remember that my parents died in 1991 and 1999. I would think he would forget the most recent death (his father's) instead of our daughter and my parents.

    I think seeing his mother dead will make an impact on him. She was hospitalized about 18 months ago and I know he was shocked to see her debilitated at that time. Then she recovered, got back on her feet and life with her was back to normal for him.

    Some days I think his issues are almost more psychiatric than memory, but then he can't tolerate being away from our home overnight, and doesn't want to go anywhere using transportation other than a car.

    The whole situation is bizarre -- but then we all know that, don't we!
  5.  
    When my Mother was in her final days she asked about a brother and sister - dead many years. I told her they had died. Mistake...she started crying and asked "Why didn't you tell me??". I told her we did and she went to the funerals. This went on for several minutes. Had I it to do over again, I would have said they were away or something similar. This was new heartbreak for her and she forgot about the discussion.
  6.  
    Elaine, we have been through a few deaths of his family members. He is end stages now, but even earlier on he was kind of oblivious. Now he just walks around the funeral home seeing who he can remember. Of course, his cognition of the younger ones who have grown is gone. When his cousin died, I took him up to the casket and nothing registered. His grandson (over 6' tall) Logan was there and when I said "Look, here's Logan", he looked down toward the ground for a much smaller child.
    When we flew to Florida for our granddaughter's theatre production, he said he was not flying home. Well, had news for him. After that, we drove.
    lmohr, the day that my mother died, I told her that my grandmother was looking for her and that if she saw Grandma, she should go with her. My sister flipped out, but it was not about her. Well, Mom just seemed to fall asleep and she was gone. When my best friend died at 27 from cancer, she kept telling me she saw her dead grandma. So I truly believe that the departed do appear to the dying to make the transition easier. I love believing that my mom is going to come and get me. Hope I didn't creep anyone out.
  7.  
    When my DH mother died, I chose not to tell him on the advice of his doctor. We have no way of knowing how they will react to such news. I felt and still do that no good comes from telling them bad news. It only makes it harder on us the caregivers.
    Again,each of us has to do what we think is best for our loved ones.

    Linda Mc, like you I believe our departed loved ones come for us as we die. Our daughter was killed while in college and every time now when I leave my DH ( in nursing home for past 2 years- end stage) I tell him that Tracey is waiting for him and he's fought the good fight against Alzheimer's and it's time to go be with Tracey. I pray every single day that he will join her soon.
  8.  
    Linda and rpmaz, I also believe that and it is a very comforting feeling. My Mom just had memory problems her last few months and near the end she would tell me her Mom and brothers were in the room with us. Couldn't I see them? I thought that was so wonderful. I understand completely. I agree, best to not relate bad news if their comprehension would not be with them. Concentrate on the positive. During my husbands last days when he was in a semi-coma my daughters and I would tell him it was ok to go. We would all be fine.
  9.  
    lmohr, I also told my mom it was alright to go with her mother and that we would be okay. We had one granddaughter that lived in Florida with her dad. She was the apple (one of them) of my mother's eye. Mom's last day she could not speak very well, but she hear. I called Hayley on my cellphone and told her to talk to Grandma and that she may not be able to answer. I could see how happy Mom was to just hear her voice. It was just one of those things that she needed before she could go in peace.
  10.  
    Good Linda. My daughters and son either brought their children to my husbands bedside when he was in a semi-coma or called them on the phone and had them say last words to their grandpa. The grandkids were all crying. I would not have thought of that myself but I am glad they did. I don't know what they said.
  11.  
    It's hard to believe circumstances surrounding a death can be perfect, but with my Mom they were. They had given her 2 weeks and she lasted 10 days. I went into work and told them I was taking off and I would be back when it was over. Didn't really care what they thought.
    • CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeFeb 2nd 2013
     
    Elaine - since he sees her everyday it will be harder. Maybe the visits can become every other day, then stretch it out so it doesn't become so familiar. Have you spoken with him about his mother's health? I know he won't remember but who knows what may process in the subconscious. I would start to feel things out right now to see his reaction, just by saying little things.