I am so impressed by the writing abilities of most of you (Coco, Frank, Starling, Joan, Marilynmd , etc)) that I have almost stopped contributing to the discussion forum. Since I am depressed anyway with my husband saying to me the other day "You don't want me to come home do you?" and many other things , I guess I am choosing to not give myself the COMFORT you give me when I do write. However feelings can be written without perfect skills and I am underestimating you. In other words adding other downgrading aspects to my already negative selfesteem. And then the other thing is that whining shows itself as self centeredness. Help me out with this if you can. Thanks! I am in limbo.
Join the club!!! I feel exactly the same way you do! We could be sisters :). I have an abusive husband (mentally) and now ( physically) thanks to the Alzheimer's and I have NEVER felt like I was worth much. I also know what you mean by self centeredness, it doesn't help that other people already feel that way about me. Not here but my friends(so to speak) here in town. They don't want to hear anything I have to say, that is why I talk so much here because no matter what I say on this site I am accepted in this family. You should feel the same way. I am in limbo also, I wish that I could say that it will go away soon but I can't. I feel like it is going to go on until my life is over as well. My mind tells me that is not true, he will eventually continue to get worse and it will be over and I will have a life again but I can't convince my heart of that. All I can tell you is Please, please, please do not quit writing to us!!!
Awwwww...midwestmn, Not all of us can express what we are feeling as easily as others. I know I type with one finger and tend to go with a little humor most of the time. You'll find that nobody is grading us and they accept us for who we are. Just say what is on your mind and know that it is okay.
midternmn - I never condemn anyone for whatever they do - or write - to get thru AD -- no one here grades writing skills. Don't go away. Whine when you need to - you won't be the first one or the last. My daughter always told me that I was in limbo -- it happens.
Me too, I have trouble putting my feelings into words..I've been reading posts everyday. I think I have pushed my so called best friend of 50+ years away with all my whining....when I ring her, I feel like I'm taking to myself, that she has put me on hold and gone off to do something else.
I also have troubly putting my feelings into words.Guess we all can't have the same skills,but please don't anyone let that stop you from posting,we'r all in the same boat going nowhere.
Just as every person with Alzheimer's is different, so each one of us caregivers is different. We have different abilities, different personalities, different ages, different needs. But we all have something to contribute.
midwestmn, if not us, who will listen when you need it? Don't worry, no one is grading us. All of us need to express ourselves particularly when we're having a bad or overwhelming day. Please stay.
midwestmn, Often I will start a post and by the time I am ready to add it I have almost rewritten it. I go back over it so many times. I don't want to hurt anyones feelings and worry that someone will take something I post the wrong way. But I do post :) Make sure to post your thoughts too.
We will listen, as LFL says. We are here for you.
Thank goodness no red pencils! I did awful in English class!!!!!
I too have trouble expressing myself. I relate to a lot of the posts and think I want to add my 2 cents worth but can't figure out how to say what I want to, so do nothing. I love this group. I do attend a monthly local support group but very few are dealing with spouses. This is where I get most of the useful information.
We all express ourselves in different ways - and it doesn't matter how we do it - whether it's a rant or cry for help or support, or just stating a fact. Since we are all different and respond to things and words differently, it only means that whatever we need at the moment - there will be someone HERE who, most likely, has been through it and will support us.
So...just saying...write however you write - no judgments here - we're all in this together and we need each other to survive.
Never worry about what you write or how you write it or how your thoughts will be taken. They're your thoughts; they're valid. And as everyone says, "this is a place to "let it all hang out w/o judgment" or words to that effect. Writing helps us on our journey, I think. Journaling for yourself helps, too. I'm a latecomer to that realization. During my "active" journey, I wrote once in awhile in a notebook about what was going on but nothing on a regular basis. (Who has time then?) Last week I read some of my notes and I thought, "Well that was good" or "Why did I do that silly thing"? It was good for me to read. Blessings for all who are on the journey and one we didn't sign up for.
oh so sorry you feel this way midwesternmn.! surely nobody here has made you feel inferior due to less skilled ways of expressing yourself! most of us are not writers nor express ourselves very well. occasionally it will come together but most of the time we just write out what hits us at the moment. (like now):) please just post however and dont worry about how it will be perceived. we learn here how to read between the lines and most of us will accept it however its posted. the general message is always conveyed. divvi
This topic has little to do with writing skills and everything to do with self esteem.
Our self esteem was taken into the alley and kicked so long and hard that if they showed a picture of your face everyone would cringe and look away. A positive outlook on life and self esteem are like identical twins. They are different but you have to look closely.
And strong self esteem in good people is understood to be the first cousin of narcissism.
When we feel inside that we're not as good as others we often don't have that conversation because it's all within us - both the idea and the judgement. So nobody helps us get more balance. But the real question is what evidence do you have? And if you have low self esteem what part of you is capable of feeling like asking that question? It's a trap reinforced by silence.
There can be many reasons why self esteem has moved out of balance. Shyness. Lots of people don't stop being shy, they just get older. Being uppity. You may have been raised in an environment where anything people accomplish is viewed critically. Something that happened in your past undealt with. There can be many reasons.
Midwestmn answered their own question "I am choosing not to give myself the comfort". Yes. That's what it is. And that's your fault.
See how this works? It's NOT your fault. It's just the truth. Your mind sees things that way because of the feelings you have about yourself deep within.
Now you have a job to do Midwestmn. You must turn any discomfort inside into the realization that you have opened up an important topic that many share. By saying what you feel you've encouraged all of us to talk about it. Thank you.
Everyone who reads and does not post listen to me. There is no greater feeling than needing inside and reaching out and being answered. Midwestmn is as important and valuable as any other human being and has strengths and weaknesses just like I do or anybody else.
And those of us - ALL of us in this club have demonstrated a quality however imperfect that makes writing skills look like bum scratching in comparison.
also, midwestmn, if you note almost all of my posts have been edited for spelling and grammar. and another thing. I bet you are a really great cook, or you sew well, or a myriad of things that I truly do lousy at. I was surprised that you thought I wrote well, and it makes me happy! English was one of my best subjects in school. However...try listening to any poetry I write and you will think I am a swilling sailor out at sea.
I personally did not notice anything not perfect in your writing. There is a particular old guy on this site, (no names lol), his style is so different and his paragraphs wonky, and I just LOVE it.
AND, you are always on my heart along with the others here. Of course as this place is so special , not just any blah blah how is your day., we are truly here to help and LISTEN and offer the best we can.
I send you two ripe Hawaii coconuts to tap together to sound like horse hooves, like Monty python. then smash them up, drink the juice, munch the meat, and smile and think of me.
To Wolf then Midwestern. Wolf. Ater the eight years of solo caregiving my self esteem is ever stronger and anything but a cousin to Narcissism. I'm just very comfortable in my own skin and now after giving so much to another more confident than ever that I'm a truly good person. This disease as you know has only saddened me and made me more sensitive to all people who struggle. Just a thought.
Midwestern: First I'm very sorry for your plight. I too and most here I'm sure have walked in your shoes. I might suggest that you don't confuse your self esteem with just plain negative emotions. Eight years now I have given all and found the journey to be a miserable thing to happen to a good marriage. Negative and cynical feelings have been my constant companions. But as we near the end of this awlful journey I found my feelings/emotions began to change. Now my day to day emotions are mostly just sad for "her" and contain a touch of wanting to think about the rest of my life. And some wisdom too has become my friend for I know I like these fine people here on this site have done the very best I could. Midwestern: It's really very helpful to "whine" here. I have not done so much of it but I've been more of just a reader of others who have. Reading the plight of others has been cathartic for me in more ways than I can express. Joan has given us a gift. Throughout this journey I've learned that people are mostly self centered, it's human nature. Even my family seem callous about matters I offer up to describe our pain. There are many reasons for this but none that really matter. The people here (if I may speak for them) are the other side of the coin. By that I mean they do care and want to help and listen to you, me and others. If you don't contribute, please just keep reading. Speaking for myself, this site and these people have been a backstop for me, the one and only place where people really listen and care. Wish you and others well.
When I saw this thread, I felt I had to jump in immediately and put your mind at ease. But then I read all the wise and wonderful comments from all our kind, caring members, and realized they have said all and more that I would have said. So..........ditto to all of it.
My heart rejoices to read your input. Especially in regard to whining. It feels good to have permission to whine. I had a very whining Mother and made my mind up as a youngster that I would never do that. Wolf, your post was very deep and wise. I will spend some time digesting it. Thanks to all of you. I feel like I'm starting to heal!
Midwestern, More often then not, I feel like I have nothing of importance to contribute, but reading the comments that your thread has inspired, I am going to try to stop feeling like an outsider and believe that I'm an equal member here, with all those who seem so much more wise. Thank you for initiating this conversation.
I was very fortunate to have learned to like myself very VERY much after a lousy 19 year marriage to a drunk drug addicted combat vet who liked to tell me that I was the problem. Nobody owes anybody anything and this world would be a very boring place if everyone did everything perfectly. We all whine and we all certainly have reason to whine. Stay with us, Midwestmn, and we will all get through this!
midwestmn--I agree with Wolf regarding this thread being about self esteem in general. Dementia caregiving is such an ordeal that I think it shakes us to the core and magnifies any pre existing personality traits. You really need to go easier on yourself and not worry about something like writing ability; we're all in the same boat and as you know, this site's members are the most compassionate and supportive people you'll find anywhere. As an aside, I'm actually one of the oddball people who is more comfortable expressing things in writing than verbally--it's genetic, I think. You are probably better at expressing idea verbally than I am--but it doesn't matter. What matters is that you continue to come here for support!
As others have already written so well, this is a non-judgmental place so everyone who wants to say something can say something. Period. Whine. Complain. Vent. Whatever. Never feel intimidated. Read when you want to read, write when you want to write. We're all paddling in the same Lake Alzheimer's. We're just all paddling in different boats!
Midwestmn, we all come here for guidence, love, compassion, and anything else that gets us through the day. None of us here are looking for a Pulitzer Prize.
Keep putting pen to paper or fingers to the keyboard and write what you need to say. Most of us bungle it up at one time or another, unless one is a professional writer...so what if we don't spell every word korrekly...or use a phase with some bad gramma...just give it your best and that is good enough for all of us...
Keep your posts coming, don't suffer questions, frustrations etc alone..that is what this family is for here..to life one another up when we can't get there on our own...
Hang in there!!!! Somedays YOU have the life rope for the rest of us but you don't even know it...you are valuable asset to this forum...
I quit coming and posting here for the most part last year because I was getting no response. I just needed a word but got none. There were ones at the time going through serious crisis and most of the post for months were centered on helping them. That is why most of my postings go on the Facebook group. There is not a lot of crisis postings going on there so I guess we are able to be more talkative and supportive in just the day to day living, not always dementia talking.
My husband seems to be moving on - think not having people in the park to converse with and the cold weather have got him down too. I have come back just to catch up, not sure how much posting I will do.
Charlotte, I read everything you write, and never, feel like you have it "better" than any of us. I know what you mean, when you do not get a response. But please know we care, and I think that slow moving dementia is actually harder than the fast one.
i think most of us become overly sensitive about posting and receiving a response on various topics. we have to remember that almost all of us are under duress and stressful times ourselves, and just posting our own thoughts without expressly desiring a response helps many who are just reading and absorbing what others take the time to write. without a doubt we would all just love to receive many replies to our posts but we must take in consideration that so many are caring 24/7 for their spouses and only have a bit of time to read and reply. if we get no reply it doesnt mean someone has not read our post. another thought is sometimes what others post may make some of us saddened or feel unable to reply and hope that someone else will fill in the blanks when we feel we cannot. its nothing ever against a poster but how we find ourselves at the time of reading when we get a chance. many come here just to find solace in knowing they are not alone in their misery as a caregiver. so many distressing topics and sometimes we find it hard to comment. others will take a moment and just say they understand and will lend support. we all are a family here whether regular posters or repliers and know that we all care for one another.
Dear Midwestmn ....I feel like I have to give you my two cents worth. I was just a reader here for a long time. I never contributed anything because I'm a bad typer, a terrible speller, a very slow thinker, and a big all around chicken. I was worried that if I did post something, nobody would care to read it.
....Two things changed my mind.....First, I read a comment here that went something like this..."Don't worry about your blog. If they don't want to read it they don't have to"
....And then I read a contribution from Wolf where he was telling someone how to compose a blog in NOTEBOOK and take your time and get it just right, then copy and paste it into the message board. I never knew you could do that.
....So that's what I do now, I try to get it perfect in notepad. It takes a while, and sometimes by the time I get it ready to go, someone else has comtributed exactly what I had to say and done much better at it. At any rate, I like to use this notepad, copy and paste method so all of you will think I'm well educated.
....Now Midwestmn, I want you to know that you are very good at expressing yourself, and getting your point across. That's what writing is all about. I enjoy reading and thinking about what you have to say.
....You have absolutely no reason to have low self esteme. Just the fact that you are a caregiver Should give you high self esteme. And under very difficult and challenging circumstances you are a great care giver.
....Self esteme is a great thing to have around. It's the greatest defination of happiness that I've ever found.
....Now I've reread this thing three times and made a few corrections, so I think I'll send it on it's way. I hope Midwestmn will read it and think I'm an intellectual.....did I spell that right?....I think in order to be one, you have to be able to spell it.
Georgieboy, I wasn't even going to check in tonight after my letting it all hang out on my initial entry a few days ago.. But I'm so glad that I did. It helps so much to hear the positive things you wrote. Not to speak of what every one else wrote. Wolf, I'm not sure I understand your comment about self esteem being related to narcissism. Narcissism isn't such a good thing. And self esteem doesn't necessarily bring on narcissism. However, it could. I have always admired people that are on the humble side and have self esteem also.
And, Georgie boy, I do think you are an intellectual. and if you don't like to be called that then make it great thinker! Unfortunately none of my sons are around to show me how to find, use, and paste from a notebook. Midwstern
Charlotte, I read your posts all the time. I think you are a very strong and intelligent person. In silence, my heart has gone out to you many times. Just because we don't reply, doesn't mean we don't care about your thoughts and concerns. I, for one, am more of a reader than a writer, but everyone here who does post brings something valuable to the site for others to share. Please don't stop. Midwestmn, that includes you too.
Soolow made a point about that too. I did say "strong self esteem was the first cousin" of it.
Low self esteem is just a phrase but feeling we're not good enough inside is soul sucking and that can be as basic as having low dopamine uptake in your receptors and have nothing to do with anything else.
I also do think that balanced self esteem is essential for a balanced outlook on life. It's all working when we don't stop ourselves from things because of our feelings about ourselves inside and that's true in general - not just on this topic.
Going further though, how would you describe "strong self esteem"? I would see that as an inhibitor. If I have an overblown sense of myself I'm going to be oversteering just like I was understeering with an underblown sense of myself. Esteem of others is different. But esteem of the self is an engine in tune. It is in balance. I see my faults. I see my strengths. Feelings about those are not in the way of doing things.
Confidence is a similar trait. When people say you have to be confident I ignore them because they don't know what they're talking about. When neither confidence nor fear of failure are distracting you NOW you have a chance of concentrating on and succeeding at the task.
The positive can get in the way as much as the negative. I was trying to put something about that in that post but it didn't come out well.
.........
I wanted to know what happened to Charlotte's stove.
Same here...I don't post often, but I read everything every day. I feel I'm not as quaified to really give much advice...I feel for and support everyone here for what we are going through.
Yes,Charlotte, lovely to see you posting again, I too was wondering how you were.
No, Georgieboy, she didn't say that you were a "wonky old guy!" Just that the paragraphs went a bit wonky at times. We love your posts and I am sure that you are just as delightful as they are!
midwestmn, and everybody else--- Some good exchanges have been happening here. Pay attention. Think about this. If Joan hadn't needed to find support as a spouse caring for her Sid, there wouldn't be this site. And if everyone of us--past, present, and future (sad to say) didn't join and chime in, there wouldn't be this site---and we'd all be poorer for it. Whether you start just as a lurker, or jump in right away; whether you rarely comment or scatter your two cents widely, what you contribute is valuable. I don't think any one of us is really up to the task of what we're dealing with--certainly not alone. At the beginning , even when told, we haven't a clue the devestation and work; the losses and battles we will face.
We go into this battle with the mndset that we're going to do it all; we're going to bring our LOs through. We shove the "terminal" part of the Dx way back --after all it's not now--not yet. We grasp at every possible way to help our LOs and keep them with us as long as possible--sometimes even longer. And we get wrung out. When our efforts falter, fail, we blame ourselves for not doing it well enough. We doubt ourselves. We compare ourselves to others who (in our eyes) are doing the job better than we are.
When we do that, we cut ourselves off at the knees. Not one of us knows what another is facing--not one of us is walking in another's shoes. We are sharing the journey, and we are helping each other over the hills, down through the valleys, and through the muck. We need everyone of us. Offer advice, a shoulder, a laugh. Say what you feel, what you know. Ask for help, a hug, an ear. Say it however you can. We get it, because we're right there with you.
We are a remarkable group of people facing the unthinkable and persevering in seeing our LOs through, knowing that will mean we are left to re-build our lives without their presence in it. No matter our age--40s,50s, 60's--80s, 90s--we are making it through because we are standing together.
So, poor grammar; poor compuiter skills; fumble fingers; poetic; erudite; comedic---however your able, bring your thouights, ideas, needs, and even just plain conversation--we're here to share.