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    • CommentAuthorpkeepers
    • CommentTimeJan 22nd 2013
     
    My 86 yr old mother is not well and lives in California. I live in Georgia with my husband who is serverely disabled from ALZ and cannot travel. Lately it's been weighing heavy on my mind- what if my mother dies? What will I do? Has any one been faced with this situation? I have no relatives who could care for him
  1.  
    Do you not have relatives in CA to take care of arrangements for your Mother? If not, I would make arrangements for cremation of your Mother and have the ashes shipped to your funeral home where you live.

    Others may have suggestions for the care of your husband. Perhaps, a respite facility could care for him?
  2.  
    This is an issue that I have been thinling about lately. My brother in NH is in very bad shape and I might need to go there on short notice. A hospital case manager (social worker?) told me I couldn't just put DH in respite. I think we misunderstood each other and she meant I couldn't do it without being approved which might take weeks if not a couple months. She suggested live-in help and gave me the names of a few local agencys. In the meantime I am trying to get qualified for respite care. So far no one has even returned my calls. I have no idea what is even involved in getting him on a few lists.

    Mary in PA
  3.  
    Contact the Alz Assn &

    www.caremanager.org

    &

    http://www.alzinfo.org/08/treatment-care/care-managers

    You might get help from a geriatric care manager for your mother -- and help for your situation w/your husband as well. Good luck
    • CommentAuthorpkeepers
    • CommentTimeJan 22nd 2013
     
    No, Vickie, unfortunately all family members live elsewhere. My mother refuses to be creamated, so it'll be a traditional funeral. As as her daughter, I would want to be there. I get so angry thinking about how much this disease affects MY LIFE that I couldn't even go to my own mother's funeral! Do NH's have respite care? If so, guess I'd have to pay for care out of my own pocket, right? That could cost A LOT! Unfortunately, my DH is extremely difficult to care for. He literally can do nothing for himself except walk, and that's very unsteady. He also screams, yells, hollers and growls when meds wear off and that can drive one literally crazy. I've become somewhat immune to it, as I try to distract myself with other things but it can be down right maddening, and to someone else, insane. He also falls a lot and is difficult to get up as he can't help. I pray every day for mercy and counting on God to work this one out for me!
    • CommentAuthorLFL
    • CommentTimeJan 22nd 2013 edited
     
    pkeepers, now is the time to plan so that you can be with your mother (or make arrangements) and make sure your husband is safe. Begin looking at facilities that will take your husband for respite. Is he on Medicaid or would the stay be paid for by your funds? It makes a difference-some places won't take Medicaid. Visit several facilities, ask if they take respite cases (Medicaid or private pay) and then apply to those facilities you think would be well suited to care for your husband should you need to go out of town.

    Do you have any family members/support in CA that could help care for your mother? Is anyone still alive/well enough i your mother's family to help? Do you have any siblings who could be the primary contact and coordinator for your mothers care? I am assuming the answer is no otherwise you would have asked them to help with your mother.

    Hiring a geriatric care manager in CA to help with your mothers situation or to help find respite places, etc for your husband in GA might be money well spent. They typically charge $100- $200/hour (you would pay that fee) but they should help you find resources which would take your husband and help you with the application process.

    Call the local area office on aging to see if the social worker there could be of assistance. Also a call to the local Alz Assoc office might help you find resources for your husband. Good luck- I hope you are able to make arrangements before you need them.
    • CommentAuthorabby* 6/12
    • CommentTimeJan 22nd 2013
     
    In your local area do you have booklets-I have seen them at places such as libraries and supermarkets? Their ads usually include respite. If you have an ALS chapter nearby-they will have many-but it was my experience that they cannot recommend one over another.

    I found that some of the larger facilities are more likely to offer respite as a way to hook in a potential client (which can be a good thing). They usually have a basic rent fee and then add service fees.

    Maybe you could look into that as something to try out.

    It may be more of a challenge considering his behaviors as you posted. In my case the major challenges were my husband's age and behaviors. Having someone on-call to come into your home is something to consider. I hope LFL and Carol post to you because they have a lot of experience in that area.

    I hate doing input on a tablet so I better stop now.

    (LFL I now see your post but can't get back on this keyboard to edit). I hope this all works.
    •  
      CommentAuthorJudithKB*
    • CommentTimeJan 22nd 2013
     
    You might even want to consider the small places that have a home type environment. Coco one of the contributors here is placing her husband in one of those types of facilities. I was considering do that with my husband and I had checked on several for respite care. Has your husband had an evaluation by Hospice? Your doctor would have to request the evaluation. Hospice offers free respite care to the caregivers of the people they are caring for and in an emergency they would be right therefor you and find a place in a heart beat if need be.
  4.  
    When I had the opportunity for an out of town respite trip (Sun.-Thurs.) I asked our Case Manager at Area Ageing and was referred to 2 coices-one at a facility, the other provided a caregiver to stay in our home the whole time, including taking hm on his "coffee" trip one of the days. I chose the in-home cargiver because it was less disruptive for DH. We weren''t dealing with an emergency, but I only had a few weeks to get all the details in place. I kept the i nformation just-in-case anything else came up.
  5.  
    pkeepers, my husband was not in favor of cremation either. I prepaid for all the funeral home expenses about 3 years ago. BUT after much thought, I am going to have him cremated. After he is gone, it will be about what I want! And I want to bring him home with me. I just would not want to move far away and leave him behind in a cemetary. This way I can take him with me.
  6.  
    Linda Mc, That is what I am going to do. We both indicated we wanted to be cremated in our living wills/health care directives, but lately he said he didn't want that. I don't even know if he knew what he was talking about at the time. I have no ties here as we only moved here 5 years ago and have no really close friends. I may move or stay but it gives me time to decide where to bury him if I decide to. In the meantime I can talk to him while he is on the mantle over the fireplace. I had my father on the mantle in another house for months and I loved talking to him as I went through the room. OK, I'm nuts!
  7.  
    I'm doing the same thing, everything is already paid for - but cremation and burial of the urn next to my son at our church's memorial garden. I know I want stay here forever - have no famiily here. So, I can take both of them with me if/when I move. Makes a lot of sense.
    •  
      CommentAuthorStarling*
    • CommentTimeJan 23rd 2013
     
    And remember, if you don't want the ashes on your mantle, most funeral homes will keep them for you until you have a place to take the ashes.
  8.  
    We went to a Neptune funeral -- cremation then the ashes scattered in the sea. I thought it was wonderful and the time will come when no one will be around to visit our graves anyway. But DH said -- 'no way, I want to be buried in the ground and that's it' so that's what I did, bought a double site, put up a marker w/both our names. But I told the children when I die they can have us both cremated, mix the ashes and scatter them in the ocean just a few miles from where we've lived all our lives. I'll have to remind them, don't know if they remember or what they might do. That way I gave DH his wish, he's in the ground -- a mile away, just came from visiting him. I appreciate his being so nearby.
    • CommentAuthorxox
    • CommentTimeJan 23rd 2013
     
    My parents bought a double plot in her family's part of the cemetery. My mother was buried there. My father refused and prepaid for a Neptune Society cremation. As he put it, he didn't want to lie for eternity next to his MIL.

    My brother decided against the burial at sea. He has the ashes. Some day we will get around to doing our own burial at sea.
  9.  
    pkeepers, is your husband a veteran? if so they have respite in some of their facilities. I live in Mi. and have used it once for a week. frustrating to find help especially when all your time is spent taking care of an az spouse all of the time.
  10.  
    MaryinPa, no, you are not nuts! That is exactly what I intend to do! Why should I put him somewhere where his 3 kids that do not give a hoot can go and feel sorry for themselves! I've loved him and taken care of him...he belongs with me!
    • CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeJan 29th 2013
     
    maryinPA - no not nuts. My mom donated her body to medical science. One day the mailman delivered a box and she said 'oh, it's mom!' The guy turned white. She stayed in the box and would get moved around in my sister's house. It was a family joke always asking "where is mom today?" My sister was always talking to her.
  11.  
    Thanks Charlotte, I got a chuckle out on your post. Here I thought I was the only one who talked to the "ashes".
    • CommentAuthorFiona68
    • CommentTimeJan 29th 2013
     
    I'm not a believer in burials, so i've instructed my family that i want to be cremated. I always planned for them to toss my ashes from a mountain top but after reading these posts, I've got to admit I would love it if one of my kids kept my ashes with them. I think I'll mention it to them. Poor kids, they'll think I've cracked!
  12.  
    About 30 years ago when I was married to the healthy a**hole, I spent alot of time with my best friend Melissa. In the summers we would go to a local beachy lake with our kids - her 2 youngest and my 2 youngest. We would lay on lounge chairs covered with sheets (so we wouldn't stick) with a cooler between us and watch our kids in their neon bathing suits with their gigoondus inflatables. Point was we rarely had to get our fat asses off those chairs. We made a pact that whoever died first would bring the other one's ashes with them wherever they went and talk to them. Today Melissa's sister is the "ashes" and poor Melissa and I are trapped in houses taking care of LO's with Alzheimer's - Melissa-her mom (her father, only sister, only brother are all dead) and me with the love of my life. I do believe our train derailed somewhere!!!!
  13.  
    Fiona68, we are all cracked!!! Some of us are cracked where it is more obvious than others!
    •  
      CommentAuthorJudithKB*
    • CommentTimeJan 30th 2013
     
    My grandson is going to put some of my ashes in the shaft of his putter so when he plays golf I will always be with him. I taught him to play golf when he was about 7 years old.
    • CommentAuthorxox
    • CommentTimeJan 30th 2013
     
    L has asked that her ashes be spread in the water around Asbury Park, NJ. Have to find out what the regulations are, you just can't dump human ashes anywhere.
    •  
      CommentAuthormary75*
    • CommentTimeJan 30th 2013
     
    And check the way the wind is blowing. They could blow back in your face.
    • CommentAuthorButton
    • CommentTimeJan 31st 2013
     
    I hesitate to tell y'all this because I'm new and maybe should keep my craziness to myself for a while:

    I kept my mother's ashes at home for about 6 months- until her veteran's headstone was ready for her burial next to my dad (she wanted everyone to know she outranked him into eternity). I often put the ashes in a shopping bag from her favorite department store and took her places that she liked to go eat, dance or drink beer. I got way too attached to having "Mother" with me - fresh grief when we buried the ashes. But it was, and is still, a great source of hilarity for my kids and cousins.

    I have a friend who keeps her husbands ashes at home, and whenever she travels to someplace they both loved, she takes a teaspoon or so and spreads them there. It may seem macabre to some, but I think it's sweet.
  14.  
    Button, I think your story is great. I hadn't thought about taking him with me when he is gone but it sounds OK to me.
    •  
      CommentAuthorBama* 2/12
    • CommentTimeJan 31st 2013
     
    Button, you're my kind of girl....
  15.  
    Button, I like the teaspoon at a time thing. However I do not like half strewn and half in the container. I don't know what it is, but it just creeps me out.
    • CommentAuthorLFL
    • CommentTimeFeb 1st 2013
     
    Button, I too like your story. I have a friend who keeps her husband's ashes too. When their daughter got married, she asked her mother if it would be okay to have her father's ashes at the wedding because she wanted to feel like he was part of her special day. Yup, dad's urn was in the wedding.