I've been plunking along for a while now as is my pattern--usually every ten days to 2 wks I'll get really frustrated or sad or both about Bryan. Maybe its because I shove the feelings to the back for as long as I can. So maybe by sharing them with you all I can avoid some of the meltdowns.
I just see things that remind me of who he used to be and it makes me sad. Like today when I went in the shed to grab the recycling bin and in the corner gathering dust I saw Bryan's cattle cane. And was reminded of the busy, physical, capable, confident person he used to be. He'd get up at 4 AM and head off to the country to sort cattle for clients (he was a cattle buyer), driving for miles and coming home smelling like cattle manure. (He always said it was the smell of money, smile). Then he'd be on the phone most of the night setting up deals.
Now he can't drive and can barely use the phone. I used to get mad at him for ignoring me, now I can't get him to stop following me. Who is this confused person inside my husband's body? Where is that beautiful man I married, that alternately drove me crazy and loved me to distraction?
I have no idea why this happens and why it has to be so long and drawn out. Sometimes it feels like a very deliberate torture. I'm sure there are lessons for me to be learned-but couldn't God just give me an "F" on this one and call it a day?
shoegirl - there is always something funny - guess we would all be willing to get an "F" if this class could be over. Some of what doesn't seem fair to me - my DH had two wives before me and they got the healthy, vibrant Hank. I just got a few years. Frankly, I am hoping he will go back to sleep soon after breakfast because I have a hard time knowing how to help him. The TV used to have interest, but now it is more confusing and darn, none of those animal programs on in the morning! He doesn't even seem to enjoy having quiet music playing these days.
((shoegirl)), it is so hard isn’t it. I feel the same way in so many respects. Today for instance while trying to get Lynn in the tub, I caught a glimpse of him in the mirror and I was shocked, like he was almost a stranger to me, such an eerie feeling! And yes I too see things that remind me daily of who he was, what we were together. He was a master builder and plumber, he built this house, it is every where I look. I am not yet in a place where I can look back and smile fondly at the memories, detach myself from this man who still has my heart. I loved what you said, it sums it up rather well “Sometimes it feels like a very deliberate torture. I'm sure there are lessons for me to be learned-but couldn't God just give me an "F" on this one and call it a day?”….ditto, I'll take the F too!
Shoegirl, I used to say that we had such a wonderful life (married 54 years) that there would be payback at some point. I just didn't count on this. As someone said earlier, I know God won't give us more than we can handle, but I wish he didn't have so much confidence in me.
One thing that bothers me is going to a social gathering and seeing other couples interacting the way we used to. We have lost so much, but then, I shouldn't complain since I have not experienced any of the rages, anger, or violence that so many of you describe. Right now (10:30 AM) DW is sitting in her chair, snoring, while I am on the computer.
Marsh, that is one of my favorite sayings....I know God won't give us more than we can handle, but I wish he didn't have so much confidence in me.
We do lose so much, and you have EVERY right to complain.... every stage, every aspect, every single loss is tragic. We mourn for years, each good-bye as painful as the last.
There would be alot of 'F's handed out if that was the question. that really was a wonderful summation shoegirl. I have also said payback time may be at this moment as i always considered myself fortunate the first half of my life was without pain and worry. i do wonder about the tradeoffs. or even in another life, maybe if we believe in reincarnation our next lives wont have to be driven by this prolonged torture? its so true, the soul of the person we love still dwells in the shell of an unknown personality and body. divvi
Yesterday my DH asked me if he had another life. I answered that I would have no way of knowing that, thinking he was talking about reincarnation. No, he was talking about his career! BUT - if there really is reincarnation I expect to find Hank is my soul mate and next time I hope we plan better!
frand, one of my all-time favorite movies is "On a Clear Day You Can See Forever" with Barbra Streisand and Yves Montand. (From what I've found, people either adore this movie or they hate it -- no in-betweens.) Near the end, when Daisy is hypnotized to become Melinda one last time, she talks glowingly of the wonderful life she had with the doctor. She says, "It was beyond ... anything." And then he finally realizes she isn't remembering a past life, but a future life with him. Gives me chills every time. Such incredible hope.
Sunshyne - Have you read Many Lives, Many Master (Brian Weiss). I know he was in San Diego since my friend there went to see him. Anyway, something to think about - but what I remember of that book is that you have to go through a lot of bad lives to get a good one!
Marsh and Nikki, Re: As someone said earlier, I know God won't give us more than we can handle, but I wish he didn't have so much confidence in me. Perhaps when God was planning this part of my life, his assistant brought him someone else's file? :)
What you said about "payback" is interesting to me. We never had more than 5 straight years of peace and tranquility. Every 5 years or so, one or the other or both would lose a job or, because Sid was a salesman, get a "Pay restructure". Then it would take 5 years to get back on our feet. During one of our best financial periods, we had very serious problems with Joel. During one of our other very good financial periods, I almost died, and it took 2 years to get me back to normal. But for 7 straight years before AD hit, everything was wonderful - financially, healthwise, with Joel. I remember thinking one day - "This is too good. Something is going to happen. This can't last." BINGO! We hit the AD jackpot! This was WAAAAAAY more than I expected, but honestly, I don't consider it "payback". It can happen to anyone, and we just happened to be in the wrong line.
divvi & Sunshyne - I only reported what I remember reading - not what I believe. But, if I were god I'd give all of us a wonderful and perfect life after this one! Forget it, too complicated - I'm definitely not running for that office!