All's been quiet on the home front for days. This morning I told my husband I thought this place was depressing & I wanted to hang some art work. I am really into decorating, and it has been nearly over a year since this home has been disassembled and most of our belongings put into storage, where they remain. But all of our art work is lined up against the wall in the now empty guest room. This is 2 story house, 2000+ square feet. I had put a lot of energy into decorating it, and then staging it for sale.
He said it was fine (not that I was asking permission) to hang the art work, but be sure I used screws & not nails. I asked him why screws? He said because these walls are different. (I'm thinking different from what?) He said to let him know when I was ready, because he would have to help me put the screws in. Well, I have hung all the art work in this house, except several heavy mirrors, BY MYSELF USING NAILS.
I was so bummed out. He didn't get upset, I could probably have taken that more easily. It was just what went through my mind. Can't he remember I hung all the art work? Alone! It just gave me the strangest feeling of sadness. (And aloneness.)
In a few minutes he came into my office with a hammer (like I couldn't find it!) & some eye hooks that you put on frames to put the wire through. And a couple of packs of picture hangers (with nails.)
How can things like this not affect your emotions? I know it is small compared to all that I've been reading recently about what others are going through, but when you've gone a while having "normal" conversations, it hits you in the gut.
That, & I really feel like I'm living in limbo. No dining room table, the kitchen table is in the living room. Have a gorgeous dining room with a crystal chandelier which now goes unused. I think of all the happy times at that table. No more to be.
Val-over the course of two years I have had my entire house done over to my liking. On of my cats loves the coolness of my granite counter tops. It does make me very sad to know that my DH will never see the house. Why did we work all our lives.
I don't even want to hang the art work now. I had things planned for this afternoon, but now it seems I will just make it to the grocery store. Don't know why this upset me more than other things when he was a lot worse. I guess because there was no agitation combined.
That is sad that he won't see the house, but at least you've done something pleasing for yourself.
Val, sorry you are down today. when you know they have this disease, you start seeing all the little things that start appearing that you didnt look for before. the future,past, and the present are no longer entertwined any longer. the future no longer means us as a couple. so hard, we deal with the loss every single day -i feel the same way when i saw our snow ski suits in the winter closet the otherday. the trips, fun, togetherness, his vibrant smile and witty humour...it just gives me knots in my stomach that its no more ever again. just when you think you come to terms with this stinking loss the tears start again..i have my paddle out trying to keep our 'boats' afloat, but i feel like we are sinking little by little into that deep dark abyss no matter how we try to stay afloat.divvi there are those days that nothing we can do but feel depressed.
Thanks divvi. I just imagine what it would be like if I weren't already on an antidepressant. I don't seem to be able to cry, ever. Maybe I should take in a good sad movie & that would get me going. I know it is healthy to cry, but last time I remember crying was when my Beta fish died. And it was just a fish!
Yes, I have given that thought. About it getting worse. I guess I am afraid. Right now my husband is able to work, for the grace of God, I don't know how. He has a global positioning system in his laptop that he carries in the car.
I bounce back between being sad about the lack of future, anger with him for ruining us financially. And he just seems to not be concerned about it at all, not that he tells me. He's counting of the sale of this house to get him out of this predicament, but with 2 sales not going through due to the inspections & his mishandling of it, don't count on it. We haven't had a nibble in weeks. I guess I may be spending my second Christmas here in an almost empty house.
Dear Val--I could have written your letter on Monday. We've having some work done in the kitchen. Waiting patiently for the new cabinets to arrive. In the meantime, the contractor told me he wouldn't have time to install them until end of Sept/early Oct. I'm ok with that. i just sit back and admire what's already done. My daughter said I sound like I have no energy and that I don't care about anything any more. That's not quite true. I just don't feel like gettin exercised about what I can't control.
Tried to have a conversation with DH. it went like yours did. I mentioned these things to a close friend and she said "he doesn't seem bad to me. He had a great talk with her DH on Sunday. I was so frustrated....I was ready to jump up and down.
So, I went outside. Dug up and separated some plants and then replanted. I felt much better. Tomorrow wil be another day. And, yes, it will get worse. I guess all we can do is like that old cliche....take one day at a time. Huh. I'm going back outside. Have some more digging to do. Have a better day today!! And, enjoy that art work. Just soak it up and try to figure out what the artist was trying to say. I love doing that.
Here's something funny for you: Our son was a student in St. Louis and we went to visit him. He took us to St. Louis Museum of Art. There were many rooms and alcoves with huge pictures all over the room. I found him sort of laying back on a chaise lounge looking up at an enormous pain ting. I am not school in art of any kind but he has had some training so I asked him if he was laying there looking up so that he could get a different perspective. (I thought that was a very clever question.) He answered no, I'm laying here because I tired of dragging you guys all around.
We are grieving. It isn’t a hurt that can heal, as we are losing them inch by inch… day by day. I’m sorry today was such a bad day for you.. But I am glad that you came and shared. The worse part for me was always how alone I felt,. Here you will always be amongst friends who care and know what you are dealing with. Hoping for better days ahead for you and your DH ~Nikki
Thanks Nikki. I felt better after getting out & going to the grocery store. I think since my husband's not as bad off as many, I just get shaken everytime something happens, for whatever reason, I always seem to be taken by surprise. Now my logical mind tells me it's no surprise, but my emotional body is never there when it happens.
Is this funny or sad? Our son was here today helping repair various items. He has been going all over the internet finding out about FTD...during lunch, my DH told him not to worry as his illness wasn't contagious! And he was absolutely serious. Our son didn't even blink..just nodded.
Val, sorry to hear you have found out more bad news with regards to husbands antics and the financial issues. i would check with your atty you consulted with about your liability to monies owed by either spouse during a marriage. and remember that saying he may be incompentent wayy before -could make other legal dealings you have done in the past also questionable. like buying, selling properties etc. we sure dont need these added fustrations to add fuel to the fire, i am afraid you may be in for more bad stuff alon gthe way if you dont take measures to stop him. divvi
Thanks divvi, I really got off the topic of Pet Therapy. Should have been Spouse Needs Therapy.
I was so overwhelmed, I think today I'm just going to take a breather. I feel like Scarlett O'Hara in Gone With the Wind, the scene where she just couldn't take being in that hospital anymore around all the death & dying. She just had flee. (I'm a Southerner, so I just assume everyone has seen the movie.)
We haven't bought or sold any property since our marriage. I did google Virginia, marital debts, and it looks like they get divided, as they are considered mutual like assets. I don't know how to stop him. It's not like others who can just take a card away. Fortunately, his limit apparently $25,500. He only has $331 left available. I'll be on the look out for any cards that come in the mail. He only has one card. If he were a "normal" spouse, I'd be sitting down with him for a serious talk. But I know this would only make him angry now.
Val, I believe you can take some steps to limit your liability, such as notifying the credit agencies that you will NOT be responsible for your husband's debts any longer. (Talk with the divorce attorney ... :-) ) And I'm reasonably certain that if you separate, you cannot be held responsible for any debts he runs up after that.
yes only AFTER she files for separation but up to that point its half her debt..ugh! val you need to do something, he can get more cards and apply for as many loans as he wants-and or he may be doing things online which can create identity issues. i do think it is correctyou should write and send by certifiey mail to your creditors you will not be held liable for any debt accruedafter the date of that letter and see if it flies..divvi
divvi, if Val notifies the credit agencies (Experian, TransUnion, and Equifax), then anyone who gives her husband new/additional credit is on notice that it's the husband's liability only. If she only notifies current creditors, then any new banks etc would not be aware of the situation and she'd still be liable.
Sunshyne that makes sense, but how would she put a lock on HIS credit if she doesnt have DPOA? i think the credit agencys would only put a lock on her own reports saying nomore credit for her -am i wrong? unless he is found mentally unstable i doubt she can do much at this point.
She doesn't put a lock on his, she puts a lock on her own. A wife, theoretically, has her own credit, but is generally considered liable if she doesn't take steps to separate hers from her husband's. By putting a lock on her own (i.e., a warning in her credit report that no one else can take out credit for which SHE is responsible), Val avoids having any future liability. Typically, if the husband asks for credit, the banks will ask for ID info for both husband and wife, and check out both credit reports. If a bank then extends additional credit to her husband, knowing Val will not accept responsibility for his debts, the bank can't come after her if he defaults.
You guys are great. I called several credit counseling services & was told that even if I stated I was no longer responsible for my husband's debts, the laws of Virginia take precedent, meaning it is a waste of time.
I gave this considerable thought today. I think I will go with my original decision to wait it out until my tenants leave next August, grin & bear it, and then just file, only after a separation of 6 months in VA. I don't want to put any ideas into his head, like I could be responsible for his debts. (In order to get him to stop.) I also know that no one but myself knows about his condition, even though I tried to tell his brother, who wouldn't listen. (But that could be trouble.) I doubt if he will even know that debts are to be divided, and will probably not contest since there is no mutual property. Hope I'm not missing anything here.
Val, it is NOT a waste of time. It warns the creditors, and that's going to make it MUCH tougher for your husband to get additional credit. Plus I strongly suspect that it will affect what the divorce court would consider to be "your" fair share of debt. You have to show that YOU are not the person running up the debt.
I think you are completely and totally insane, to make such a critical decision without TALKING TO AN ATTORNEY.
It doesn't matter what's in your husband's head, it matters what's in the head of any attorney he might hire.
It matters what hairbrained things your husband might do between now and then for which YOU WILL BE LIABLE if you don't take LEGAL steps to minimize your responsibility.
It matters whether he goes into a steep decline between now and then, which will have you so wrapped around the axle trying to take care of him that you might lose your job, and/or it might become much more difficult to break free.
O.K. Sunshyne. I am listening VERY carefully. If you read what I just posted, You've got to be kidding, you will see he is declining before my eyes. I will read your post again tomorrow & make appointments before I start my job. I thank you for your sincere interest. I remember when I had something to give on this site, but I swear, it has all been sucked out of me these past 2 days.
Val, if its any help i agree with sunshyne, anything you can do to minimize money debt now is advisable. its still a yr away from when you want to even file for separation. he can do a lot of damage to your credit and your Credit SCORE at the bureaus just by applying for any credit and not getting any. my DSons ex wife was bipolar and he didnt know she was applying for credit everywhere during thier marriage, on line to cover her debts. it devastated his credit and hes a dr now making lots of money but with extreme issue trying to get an agency to cleanup the mess. with her mental health issues he had to assume all the debt in the divorce as he is the professional and made more money. so i dont procrastination is not a good choice when dealing withh someone who has no ability to reason. he will get worse by then and maybe faster than you expect. looking in from the outside sometimes people can see what we cant.. divvi
Oh my goodness, I never thought his credit could affect my precious credit score of 780. I have to find out about all this. Thank you all for being here for me. I do know that I applied for a credit card with a better offer, and they never asked about my spouse. I have used my Amex Gold card for 20 yrs. but some places don't take it. How can his credit affect mine? We don't have any credit cards together. Please help me put the pieces of this puzzle together. I'm in way over my head.
This is why you need to talk to an attorney. You ARE in way over your head, and there's only so much we can do to help. We aren't attorneys. The eldercare attorney told you you needed to talk to a divorce attorney, right?
i would think by just association in marriage legally, anything a spouse does credit wise could have dire consequences for the unknowing spouse. every time you apply for any type of credit, they will pull up your credit report,that 'inquiry' can go on your credit report so other creditors can see you have applied somewhere else. each time an inquiry is noted i have heard it can lower your score..may or maynot be true. somebody else may know more. divvi my DH had a lein put on his home due to IRS issues way back and its his separate property, i had a lein on my credit report listed for it as well as we were married at the time. it took alot of paperwork to get it off after it was paid! divvi