The nurse dials my phone number from the nursing home for him, and he begs me to come and get him or come to see him. It breaks my heart because he sounds so normal and says he can't stand it there. They have told me to come only twice a week and then in the morning. It tears me up. What should or could I do? I didn't realize how much I would miss him. I feel like I am killing him. Is it fair that after 58 years of marriage we need to stay apart. At the nursing home they say that his behaviors are much better when I don't come every day.
I tend to agree. It bothers me when an assisted living facility or NH says they "prefer to know ahead when we are coming". Makes me wonder what they are hiding? One of the places I looked at that is gorgeous not to mention $$$$.$$ has that posted....
I wonder, if there would be an advantage to having in home help...depends upon his condition, however and I don't recall what you may have said about him, but if he is not problematic would some in home help be something you can do?
I am just going to start next week with 3 times a week for 4 hours to see how it goes..maybe will need more hours or maybe less..will have to see but just having someone known to be trustworthy take over making meals and doing some light house work or helping me with something or letting me run an errand or get out or just take a nap sounds good. I am so bone tired now I have to do something and I have been looking at assisted living tho my hubby is no where near needing it though my condition/fatigue could push that if I don't try this first..Maybe this would work for you.
Are the reasons you placed him in the facility still there? If so, to take him out would mean that you'd be back in the same old spot. Children, too, can do that to us, play on our emotions, but we have to be able to see the big picture and know what's best for everyone, including us. I'm not too happy about the facility's handling of this: it would be better if they distracted him and not let you be emotionally upset. Ditto their mixed messages about you not visiting so often. Perhaps he needs some medication to calm him down. I just hate to see you being pulled apart in the middle of this. Think of what Carosi 2 says: you're the boss here and make the decisions because you know the whole situation better than anyone.
This might be when you would talk to the Social Worker--he's not happy, you're not happy, and the stsaff seems to be ruling the roost. I did this kind of thing for my DH. He wanted to come home. My answer was, "We have to do what the Dr. says. You need a lot of care, I can't do---BP checks multiple times a day, Bloodwork often, etc." I let every staff member I had contact with know what i was telling him, and the Dr. When he brought it up to her, she told him the same and he finally accepted it.
The frequency of your visits, length, etc. could easily be adjusted as well. With reenforcing repetition he will settle. As long as your visits do not interfer with his care, you should be able to visit on a reasonable schedule. I would suggest a schedule at this point, because it would likely help him settle.