I have finally decided to send our dog out of state to live with my daughter after Christmas. my DH is in stage 6 and spends his time (when not at daycare) either staying in bed or sitting in his chair not doing much of anything. His anxiety and sundowning stresses the dog and he doesn't get out for walks because DH won't leave the house. The dog won't go to him when called, but whines a lot to me for attention. The both of them together are making me a nervous wreck. Hence the decision.
Here is where I need advice. I'm not planning to say anything to DH until after the fact but I don't know what to tell him. He doesn't understand/remember much of what I say, so I need to give a simple explanation, such as "the dog has gone to live with DS for the winter." If anyone has experienced something like this or has any advice to give me, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.
My first thought was to say the dog went to live with your daughter because she was lonely. But that assumes empathy. How about your daughter took the dog so you could pay more attention to him.
I would keep it as simple as possible whatever you say. He probably won't remember what you say for very long and won't understand what you are saying. I would tell him the dog is very ill and has to be at the vet to find out what is wrong. He may ask when the dog will come back...and you can just say....as soon as he gets well. If after a few days or weeks and he questions where is the dog you can just say.....I told you yesterday the dog is at the vets. This is a major time for fiblets.
Just prior to my dh passing, he wanted nothing to do with our dog and he always loved the dog. After he died the dog would have very little to do with me for more then a month. It was like she blamed me for him "going away".
It probably doesn't make any difference what you say and if you try one thing and it doesn't work say something else.
I believe our little Havanese took on the task of caregiving as much as I did. He followed my DH everywhere in the early days, sat beside him in his chair and slept next to him on his bed. Havanese are silky soft dogs, and my DH stroked him for hours.
Fast forward to the end, ... from the minute my husband went into a coma, Tigger would not get in his bed and he seemed to be afraid of him. Tigger would sit in the desk chair in the study/hospital-bedroom, and just watch. After he died in there., Tigger refused to ever go into the study again. He follow me to the doors leading into the room and sit. If I carried him in there, he'd jump down and run out of the room and wait for me in the doorway. I sold the home two years after my DH died, and from the day he died until the day we left the house for the last time, that little dog never put a paw into the study. I'll never fully understand why.
But in our case, having a pet was very soothing for my DH and a huge help to me.
Nancy...interesting. I had forgotten that my little dog didn't want to go in the bedroom where my dh passed or go into his bathroom for days. She finally took one of her little toys into the bathroom and left it for days and I never picked it up....it was like she was telling him if he came back he could have her favorite toy.
This is strange too: My son-in-law who stayed every night with me for the last week before my dh passed kept telling me I didn't need to keep going back to the bedroom to check on my dh every 10 minutes that the dog was sitting right beside his bed and when and if he was ready to die the dog would let us know. I thought my SIL was just kind of "off the wall" with that comment. Well..he wasn't. My daughter had just come to the house after working and my daughter, SIL and I were talking in the living room...and all of a sudden little Sophie barked really loud and we all ran into the bedroom and my dh was breathing differently and within 45 mins. or less he had died. Dogs know more then we do sometims about certain things.
Thanks all fornyour comments. I wouldn't go this route if having the dog here was therapeutic for my DH, but that isn't the case. And he makes this poor animal nervous.
I understand what you are saying. And, I would have shipped Sophie some place in a heart beat if she was bothering my dh or my dh was making her strange. Being a caregiver is difficult enough without someone or something that can make it worse, in your case it's the dog.
We have a resident here who has AD and lives in the Assisted Living section. He had to give up his dog when it bit one of the nurses. Even now, after 6+ months, he is looking for the dog. Every day we see him out in the parking lot calling for "Gracie". If someone tells him that Gracie has gone with someone else, he argues that she was just here 1/2 hour ago. It's very sad. Fortunately, he doesn't wander off the property looking for her.