Ya know the nerves are frayed when that flies out of the mouth spontaneously. The guilt sets in for that indiscretion which in turn makes the nerves more frayed, and the result is............... it flies out again.

Today was stressful, on top of the past several days in a row of DH continuously challenging my relationship to our kids, where we live, when I'm going to take him back to his house, how he can call his Mother, and complaining about things the kids do that they didn't do, as well as calling the kids when they are out of the house trying to be normal, waking them up early in the morning telling them its time to get on the road to go home (teens + summer = sleep!), and a whole host of other inaccurate statements.

In the middle of all this we had the final appt today to sign our Living Will/Trust. We had done POA's already, and all of the basics for our estate, but finally got in there to sign this stuff and have it all finalized. All week I was soooooo nervous, as DH was more confused on the simplest things, and I lay in fear all week that at this final appt, with all the time and expense, that he'd say or do something that would make just one witness/notary (all law office employees) question the validity of having DH sign anything. Thankfully all went fine.

After the atty meeting I had to grocery shop, which is something I hate to do with DH as he fusses, gets tired, distracts me, puts things in the cart, mixes up frozen, nonfrozen, soft and hard, light and heavy stuff. I have a specific way I shop, load the cart, load the check out conveyor, load and unload the car, and put groceries away. I end up missing items on my list, having damaged groceries when I get home, and get so very exhausted. Dinner still has to be made, the kids are needing "MO-o-o-o-m." The bags of groceries are now a pot pouri of frozen stuff in with cans, soft fruits in with boxes, etc. Makes me mad, cuz my system of shopping and packing lets me get all the frozen, refridgerated stuff in first and put away, then I can relax and take my time while getting the rest put away. We live a bit rural, so when I go into town and shop it is no small amount of shopping. Not at all.

Here I sit tonight, tired, and still getting the questions: "are we married? do you have kids? Whose kids are those? Are you their mother? Whose the Dad? how long you lived here?" Followed by "I love you, you know that." Well, NO I DO NOT!!!!!!! I want to scream out to him: "HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL HAVING A COMPLETE STRANGER TELLING ME HE LOVES ME WHEN HE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT ME?" I hold it in, I let it out, I hold it in again, and inside I'm screaming "JUSSHUDUP.....Pa-leeeeez. Cuz whenever you talk to me it HURTS!!!!!" Those questions. They sting so bad. That is my history too!

Diana, I can "hear" your frustration loud and clear! I am so sorry AD has taken over your life this way. So heartbreaking. I remember the stage where Lynn would fade in and out. I too remember the times that Joan was talking about where you hold it ..and hold it… and hold it …until you either lose your cool or burst into tears. We have all been where you are, or will be… keep posting , let it out and let us encourage you and give you strength. ~Nikki

New Realm, venting is good.

Wish I had good advice for you but I don't, except this is a safe place to just say all the things you can't say anywhere else.

And yes, everyone here understands exactly what you are going through. We have all been there.

New Realm, I hear ya loud and clear. Sometimes I just want to scream! The combination of the questions and the shadowing can reduce me to one giant frayed nerve. Then like you, I feel really bad if I say something to him. But all that steam in the pressure cooker hasta go somewhere.

When I visited my 91 yr old aunt, who is still in charge of all her facilities, and my cranky 91 yr old uncle I noticed that whenever he said something annoying to her, she would turn her head away from him and say whatever she wanted. She had some zingers too. He can't hear very well, so he had no idea she was saying anything. Then she'd smile. So now I do that, it kinda helps :)

I also text swear words to my sister, that helps too :)

The one blessing, of course, is that even when we do lose it, our AD spouses usually can't remember what happened for long. (Although it certainly does help if they're hard of hearing!)

This is really a sad business. We have our will/estate done. POA signed years ago. Thank heaven. In the process of getting him off the road. He doesn't shadow too much. But the same question over and over again. The same stories over and over. Then the corker. It seems as if he's really with it. He'll ask a serious questions. I sit down and all set for a good conversation--like we used to have. We go back and forth (you know how it's done!) Then, out of the blue, he'll say "Who's that? When was that? Where?" and the blank stare. I ask him if he knows what we're talking about and he'll answer "Oh, were you talking to me?"

Last night before bed, he came up to me from behind and put his arms around me. Said "Have I told you today that I love you?" Then he leaned around to get a nice kiss but he'd just brushed his teeth and hadn't rinsed or wiped his face off. I got a big wet toothpastey kiss. I had a very hard time with that. He wants me to respond with a nice kiss and an "I love you,too" but, how do you do that when you are busy wiping your face.

very sad indeed. I'm going outside to dig up some more of my garden. We hired a guy to do some yard work and by the time he gets here, I'm going to have it all turned over. But, he can stil mow the lawn. Digging wears me out but I feel better for it.

I'm sorry, too, sthetford. How awful to have reached this point. You deserve a life, and I hope you can find ways to start building one now, instead of being totally devoted to caregiving and survival.