Thanks, paulc. I understand a little better now. We always pay ours off at the end of the month so I didn't see how they could make money off of someone who didn't pay. What a rotten way they have of taking advantage of disadvantaged people.
Sorry if I got off topic but your statement didn't make sense to me until you explained it.
I keep looking but cannot find anyone with my problem: spouse w/Alzheimer's diagnosed 7 yrs. ago. Now I have fallen in love with an OLD friend. I have no problem w/commitment to my spouse, but I am greatly troubled with this mutual attraction. Where do I go? I have no plans to abandon my first love.
nicenecoucil, I am sure that you aren't the only one in with this situation. I would think that it would be more common than not, but because of privacy issues many will not come forth. 7 years as a alzheimers caregiver is a long time. I believe it's only natural to long for a companionship. I could easily see how after those long lonely years you could be attaction to another. Also, is the person that you are attracted married? If so....this could lead to more heartbreak. I can't advice you where to go as that is something you will have to work out. I can tell you that if you have any doubts and reservations do not to get involved in a relationship as guilt may follow you. Before you rush in please consider not only yourself but the consequences of others. Hope this helped.
Welcome to my website. You have come to the right place for discussing your issue. We have had many discussions and I have written many blogs on the problem of finding companionship and intimacy or one or the other or both while our spouses are in the grip of Alzheimer's Disease.
Go to the top of this page, and click "search". Type "companionship" in the box, making sure the "topic" circle is filled in. Then hit enter. Those discussions will come up. Then do it again for "sex and intimacy". More discussions will come up.
Copy and paste these links for articles on the subject: http://online.wsj.com/article_email/SB10001424052748704317704574503631569278424-lMyQjAxMDA5MDAwMjEwNDIyWj.html
Years ago I was in a group where one woman spoke openly about caring for her husband at home & also her current love and their having gone away for the week-end. I did not wholly understand, but later I would. She had help in the house, lived there and never neglected her husband. It is possible to love more than one and to be faithful in different ways. I had chances and realized I could probably do the same, but the right one never came along while he was alive, or maybe I wasn't really ready. It would in no way diminish my love for my husband which I still treasure after he is long gone or make me be less of a caregiver to him. I know my children would understand. I now have a gentleman friend and have been asked if I feel 'guilty.' Good grief, no! Sad, yes, sad that things did not work out the way I had dreamed as a young bride. We would not live together to be 100, it was not my choosing and certainly not his that AD would happen. We all make our own decisions & I would never condemn anyone for whatever they do to get thru AD. Follow your heart, it does not have to be all one way or the other.
I don't think at this time I could be with someone else. I would love to find someone to talk with or have coffee with. This is a lonely life we lead. I don't fault anyone who does find some happiness out there. I can understand the need......
lulliebird - I stay when he says those things because he would never have said anything like that before this disease. I know things would be different if he wasn't sick.
That said I am one of the people that had a gentleman friend and would still have if he hadn't gotten sick - stage 4 cancer - another b###h of a disease to get. We are still good friends but he now needs to concentrate on getting himself better. I never felt guilty because I knew that my hubby was going further into his new world, where everything was all about him and I knew it was time to take good care of myself. I'm not looking but if opportunity happens again, I would look at it again.
Paulc - good advice about the charge cards and instead opening his own bank account. I have found that when I go into the bank and talk to them about what is going on they really are helpful in closing accounts in both our names and moving things into my name only. I know the banking system in Canada is different than in the states. Plus with universal health care the cost of caring for someone is paid mostly but the gov't. Thank goodness, I don't know how you guys do it down there. But we do pay really high taxes on almost everything up here.
If I judge by some of the age differences I should be able snag someone in their mid to late forties. If I did that I would probably die of a heart attack within a week. I don't need viagra yet but I do feel winded picking something up off the floor. I picture myself jumping around the room suddenly with a severe charlie horse while she watches stunned.
We both strayed physically. High school sweethearts and 44 years next month; but, we both did sometimes and I never had a problem even when we both went to the doctor (our neighbour) for shots (cough). Her fault which I remindered her of when I was losing an argument.
Sex for it's own sake is out for me. I'm just not wired that way. I couldn't do it with a stranger to save my own life. I have to be emotionally involved or Mozart won't even sit at the piano never mind play.
So on this 'sex' topic, I would walk around with a sign saying "yes, please" but it wouldn't do any good. When and if I meet someone that does things to my insides and I'm convinced that's pretty mutual, I'm pretty sure I'll be quite interested.
I'm sorry that people do hurtful things to us like be deceitful. The range of behaviours is pretty wide on this topic. I think hurting people without regard for their feelings or perhaps with regard to ours only says very poor things about ourselves. I do feel though that following our own feelings is a true path in life and that situations can become complicated without anyone meaning harm to anyone.
I'm very supportive of being open to relationships while our dementia spouse is still here. I personally resolve this by deciding that the spirit and mind are not here; but, the body is under my protection. No shred of my wife's personality is on this planet. Marriage vows (viewpoints will differ here) are given between two consenting adults - not one speaking for both. It's complicated. I think we can all agree on that.
I am not going to. Though I believe I am free to do so, I find I'm required to vigil with her. I'm finding my hands are full just coming back to some kind of normal 'pas de un' thanks very much.
TO....LULLIEBIRD Thank you so much for reviving your previous thread which describes the nightmare I am going through now. Don't know what ttt for Gina means....but I can guess. And yes, my heart goes out to you, knowing you have suffered this most awful symptom of the disease too. That is why I need to keep my emotional and intimate contact with hom at a huge distance. I have suspected infidelity, but just can't seem to find any definitive evidence since he is still possessing the amazing ability of shwredness and cunning. I just find that incredible when I consider how his brain is non-functioning when it comes to me and the hurts he has inflicted on me. But this is the main reason I will not let him back home anymore. I already went for STD tests and thankfully, I was okay. But that only shows that he's cunning enough to be cautious when indulging. Like the song on the commercial.....I will do anything for love....BUT I WON'T DO THAT!!!!!
As you can see by the replies "hypersexuality" is not an unusual for the victim for the disease. I now look not only myself as a victim of the infidelity, but they are a victim being hold hostage of a horrible disease of which they have no control. It doesn't get an worst than that!