My FTL/alzheimers has been seeing prostitutes on a almost daily bases. My suspicions were confirmed just last week!!!!! I feel so degraded to be cheated on by whores. He's been using the ATM about 5 times a week for the last 3 months to the tune of $200 ....appox. 2,000 a month. He's been away from the house for hours and does not gamble. I checked his cell phone and the call log shows many "working escorts" he's been seeing. This is all recent (2 weeks ago) and last week lost his drivers' license as the medical doctor his tests indicated poor judgement skills to operate a motor vehicle. He has admited to "only saw one and only saw her twice" perhaps that's all he remembers. Never said he was sorry except that he was sorry he got caught! I realize this is his disease. He's been so very nasty to me the last two years I don't know if I can stay in the long haul. I have talked to his psychologist and I know it's the disease but how much can I take this. He's only in the mild/moderate stage....I have little social security...I am not entitled to his penion, and frankly I don't know where to turn. Any tips or suggestions for me?

Nikki, thanks I need a shoulder :)....just weeks ago I placed a post that he was "winking at strangers" and visiting porn site. Now this.....want to alert others that see little signs to be vilgant in this matter. I am worried that ( and I know this sounds terrible) escalate. He never ...ever ....talked to young children and now he is. I am happy that he can no longer driver as this has shorted his leash...however, where there is a will there is a way. I just don't think that I can live much longer like this in his presence. He was checked yesterday for veneral diseases. Says he only saw one hooker twice and he was wearing a condom...can't count on that judgement! Hope that this post will help other members check their spouses cell phones, emails, even if they are only in the beginning stages (they can be more crafty and cunning during this stage)!

#1, apart from any other issues, you need to find a way to relieve him of his credit cards. He is too impaired to be allowed to have any control over your mutual finances. Other people will need to weigh in on how they removed access from an AD spouse, but I think that sometimes people have given the impaired spouse non-functioning ones, and used "a problem at the bank" as an excuse.
#2 is that you need to protect yourself, as you observe, from disease transmission.

I am very sorry you are having to contend with this. If he is just in the early stages, as you say, he could cause a lot of trouble if he's already up to this. Is it time to talk to an eldercare attorney folks? I would think so. Some kind of attorney so that at the very least you can begin to find a way to protect monetary assets if possible.

I really have zero experience with this but I can’t help but wonder, isn’t there some sort of medication that can be given that would take away the “drive” ? Maybe if his libido was diminished these behaviors would cease?

It appears your Neuro is wrong....... a quick search did show medicines they do use, but the articles I found were for sexual offenders. Not sure they would give them for FTD? Good Lord! I just can't imagine having to deal with these issues.... I am so sorry ((hugs))

Here is one article I found http://www.courtpsychiatrist.com/pdf/pharmacological%20treatment%20sex%20offenders.pdf

Wow, such a lovely thing to say, thank you! I wonder if the Neuro didn't mention it because he is uncomfortable talking about it? Even Mayo Clinic has information on treating sexual compulsive disorders. I know, not the same as FTD, but what you are dealing with is just as serious and you should be getting more help than you are.

As much as I love my Lynn, I am just not sure I could have handled this. My heart aches for you ((hugs)) I hope you can find a way to help him enough that you can find some peace in your heart. And if not, I hope you find a way out of your trap… truly, I can’t imagine being where you are…. ((more hugs))

Haven't written on here in awhile, but I keep up with the entries. I wrote about my DH and guardianship bout 4 years ago.

We are both 62, he also is probably FTD, reasoning sucked, and about 4 yrs ago,he "fell in love" with a scam email over 30 days, had a suitcase packed, credit cards sewn into pockets, etc. He hadn't given any money because he knew I was watching that after he took a plane ride to see some friends with no warning. And, yes, there were some strange phone calls that probably were probably prostitutes. We already had diagnosis of dementia for a couple of years.

When I found out about his email problem (commonly referred to as Nigerian scam), and he received a phone call, had exchanged phone nos., etc. This was over a couple of days that I found this out.

I went to the Alzheimer's office in my town and talked to the director there. It helped tremendously. It was a familiar problem to her and she gave me some other examples of lack of judgement. She gave me a list of attorneys and said to see one right away. They do not vet anyone on the list and cannot recommend anyone, but she happened to mention some first names in conversation. I remembered these names, went to the parking lot and called one of those nos. Got an appt., but not for a week. Called back and pleaded for something sooner, briefly explained the situation (dementia, behavior). Got an appt. for the next morning.

I went in and talked to the attny., (who happened to have a relative with dementia) and understood immediately. She called in a partner that dealt with guardianship. This person also had a relative with dementia. These were not elder attnys.

Unless you have a power of attorney that you can use, guardianship is the only way to lock the money down. This required he be declared incompetent, or "unable to control his finances" or "personal affairs". Just need impaired, not unfunctional.

Yes, it hurt. I saw emails that were a lie to our marriage of almost 40 years. It hurt. Well, it still does.

PatB

Lonelyinphoenix I am sitting here dumbfounded! Is there no limit to the nastiness of this illness and the amount loved ones are expected to endure. I have no advice at all, still can't really comprehend your situation. I just want you to know I will pray for you and am sending((hugs)).

The neurologist was correct on the marriage counseling. With Alzheimer's, there is no memory and no reasoning or judgement, so remembering and following through on counseling is impossible for them. If it's FTD, impulse control and judgement are gone, so again, a great big waste of time for any kind of counseling.

joang

divvi-spot on good information. You are correct-this is a time for positive action rather than a poor me status.

Lonley, I responded to the post you made several weeks ago and apparently offended you (unintentionally) by my response, so it is with some hesitation that I respond to your current situation.

There are meds to control the sexual behaviors in people with dementia-most frequently used is risperdal in both men and women. As I mentioned in my last post to you, I was concerned that your husband's behaviors would escalate without intervention by a doctor and meds. I shared with you that when my husband was in this stage (lasted about 1.5 years-no prostitutes tho) he gave his checking account # to a internet porn site so he could continue buying online porn after the credit card company cancelled our card because he was not paying the bill. The porn site drained all the funds in his checking accout and he ruined our credit rating because he was not paying the bills. This is a serious situation-you may end up with no money AND a ruined credit rating which will make life very difficult, particularly if you choose to divorce him.

The advice on cancelling the credit cards and having them reissued and not giving him the new ones is a good strategy. Please call/stop the bank immediately and get this done.

You mention that you're not entitled to any of his pension money-why not? The laws require that a spouse MUST be entitled to "survior" benefits, or spousal benefits UNLESS you have signed the pension documents waiving your rights to any future pension benefits. Of course you would only receive these when your DH passes. Should you choose to divorce him, you could be eligible for a portion of his pension if the attorney arranges for you to have a Quadro - it's a qualified domestic order that is enacted at the time of divorce and entitles you to a portion of his pension which would be awarded by the courts during the divorce proceedings.

You really need some professional advice on all the legal issues (yes and eldrlaw attorney and/or a divorce attorney) and you need one of his physcians to help manage his behaviors through medication. Are any of the 3 drs geriatricians or very experienced in treating people with dementia? And yes, the Frontal Lobe deterioration with the AD diagnosis should be enough for you to start some legal proceedings.

I know this is all so overwhelming for you but action is what is required now. Start with the Alzheimer Association in Phoenix tp help you locate resources who can help you. Given AZ is a state with many retirees, they should have a list of resources who are very familiar with handling situations such as yours. You need to feel empowered to get these things done to protect yourself.

Thanks for all the hints and tips for "loney in phoenix" no more pity party...lol...new name change.

I will def. take the first advice and report the credit card lost tomorrow.

In answer to the question as he how hubby is able to see these woman. He only lost his drivers' license 10 days ago prior to me finding out 7 days ago. This was a huge blessing as I will control some of the "activity" however, tomorrow he will be spending the weekend with his son (former marriage), wife and granddaughter. This allows him more freedom.
They are aware that there are problems, but not to this extend along with some denial issues. The believe hubby over me and think I am pretty much the "dicator" and "gold digger" lol....

My discovery was made about the prostitutes though his phone logs. He thinks he's lost his cell phone and will probably purchase another when out this weekend. He is talking about getting another one and that's how he contacts them. In answer to another question....yes, I have called two of the women along with the police. It's illegal in this state of the police don't want to be involved. Hence the reason these "women" advertise openly in the free press!!!! google their numbers and they will be very explict as to their hourly rate and their "services"

Another answer to a question--- I am not entilted to his pension because we married AFTER he retired from a government position. It was a May/December marriage and we have appro 15 years between us....he been older. Seems many of us have this May/December marriage. I never thought that this would be a problem as he was so healthy, active, and young and heart.

He now is on sequel (picked it up today to hopefully control OCD) and hope this is successful. Hubby has a double dose of brain disorders....left frontal lobe cause 7 years ago (brain bleed)which changed his behavior and now a new diagnose for alzheimers. His memory is a problem, but he has all the symptoms of front lobe damage and the behavior is the primary problem at this time.

Thank you all...each and everyone of you for your input and suggestions.

My husband that died this past summer was also a gov. employee retiree. Who told you that you are not entitled to support from any income he has?? I don't really know the answer to that question myself...however, I do know that property I had before we were married in order to protect it as my personal property I had to place it in a Trust Fund. I find it difficult to believe that he wouldn't be required to give you something for support regardless of where he earned it or got it unless he protected it by some legal means as his sole property. When he married you he was taking on his responsibility to 1/2 of your support just as you are responsible for 1/2 his support if you had the income. If you are correct in what you state then you might want to consider charging him for taking care of him especially since he is not honoring his marriage vows.

Anchor 20---regarding his blood pressure --he takes no bp medication and as his doctor recently said "has the blood pressure of a teenage"---I may add the sex drive of one too..lol NOT!

Judith KB---I was told by a divorce attorney in a "community property state" that I was not entitled to 1/2 his pension because he retired prior to our marriage...also, he has basically used up all his state retirement so when he dies I will receive nothing due to the fact he retired at 64 years old and now is also 79. The reason is he claimed the most retirement he could receive with prior to the disease had made NO financial regarHds for me when we married (just found this out 1 year ago)---and of course, no life insurance.

Fiona 68...thanks I like the name change too! More positive and moving on...I am sorry that you had to deal with embezzlers and lawsuits. It's enough to deal with this disease than to have to deal with the sleazy creeps that suck and prey on a victim. I have consulted with a divorce lawyer (only over the phone who provided me the information about the pensions.) I have meet tete a tete with a elder attorney prior to the infiledy issues and trusts of assests were our focal point. Frankly Fiona 68, after my discovery of him spending thousands of our hard earned dollars, hours laying in bed with whores almost daily, and sneaking and lying around with whore with no remorse other than he got caught I am hurt but he repulses me. I realize that this will be his pattern again and again and again. I don[t give a flying flip if it's the disease or not. It's no thing it your partner has been faithful and provided for you but apparently he was selfish prior to his disease. I will not made any quick impulsive decisions, but I will consider my limited options with only my best interests in mind.

Thanks everyone for their kindness, support, hugs and thoughts.

Fiona's advice is good.
It is the ALZ, my person became someone else. Hadn't forgotten me but forgot who I was in relation to him after a 27 year committed exclusive relationship. Sex had gone out the window a few years before the diagnosis due to the sensation part of the brain being affected. He "fell" in love with other women, which drove me nutz until I saw his advances were unwelcome and scary to them, started frequenting a sex store and buying videos of things not in his nature (without my knowledge until I discovered the receipts and hoard) and a "friend" of his reintroduced him to a woman he had dated 42 years ago for 4 months who had multiple personality disorder, who tried to kidnap him and take him to another state to "marry" him while I was on a business trip, she was secretly coming to the house when I was at work plotting this, which caused me to be attacked by him (not sure what else she had in store for him as I found her on the internet with 6 aliases and living with a man, but after he was hospitalized for picking up an axe with his brother who tried to get her off the property, she stalked him to the nursing home we ended up at, and stalked me and broke in the house looking for him). So yes, things can go very crazy. I'm sure he had no judgement at all, far less than I was estimating at the time. I had POA at the time, but we were common law, not legally married, so the Sheriff said I couldn't file a restraining order without guardianship papers, which our lawyer had advised us to put off. Your do need guardianship, and also need to understand he can't do any better and it isn't personal. I just joined this group as others I have tried just didn't seem right for me. He was diagnosed with early onset 5 years ago, and things got strange and difficult two years before that.
When I look back now, it probably began earlier, as they say now it begins 10 years before the diagnosis. And I can see difficulties, strange decisions and odd behavior now that at the time I did not. He just turned 66 and I am 62. He is in LTC facility now, and I am having difficulty with that which I will post elsewhere on this site. I feel for you, brought back just how crazy the behaviors of the disease can affect the safety and sanity of all involved. There is no control of impulses for some. Its just sad, as dealing with the disease and grief and sheer stress and extra demands from it were quite more than enough without the added terrifying craziness. Do whatever you can to protect yourself and protect him, he could become the target of one of these women to prey on him. One friend I know had a father with ALZ who took all his money out of the bank in cash and walked through the city distributing it.

Lulliebird, my husband has FTD with probable mixed dementia- AD so our spouses probably have similar behaviors. Yes. it is very difficult and still today after almost 5 years since dx he still displays the predominate behaviors of FTD (in your case FTL) which means lack of self control, poor decision making, in our case agitation to extremes. The seroquel and neurontin have controlled the aggression and combined with time have moderated the sexual obesssion. He was given early on Celexa and then Lexapro and then finally seroquel, neuronton and klonopin. The klonopin stopped being effective so they added Ativan and took away the klonopin.

Please talk with your attorney again...I find it difficult to believe that since you're married, even in a May/ December relationship you are not entitled to some portion of his pension. My heart goes out to you...trust me, I feel your pain. I've been there.

It is hard when they have no remorse for their breaking of marriage vows. In 1985 my husband was caught having an affair with a girl who was underage. In all these years, no matter how many times I pointed it out, he has never said he was sorry for doing it, only sorry he got caught. As far as I know she was the only one and he lost his ability about 10 years ago. We have shared on other threads how many of our spouses lost the ability for erection long before the diagnosis.

It has been a couple days since you posted you were going to report the cards stolen? Have you done it? I would also open another checking account with just your name on it and transfer funds into it. Even though you are in a community property state, you can still do it. He doesn't have to know and does not need access to it.

This is NOT meant to be funny because this is not a funny matter but you make me glad that my H is not interested in sex at all. One of my complaints has been that he is not interested in sex with me or any one else but I don't know what I would do if I had to deal with this. I feel so bad for you and this situation, I don't even know what to say except I will be thinking of you. Please hang on to my rope.

lullie, my husband is more advanced than yours and I will tell you that somewhere deep inside he knows when he's doing something wrong - he gives me that look like a 3 year old does when they know they've been bad. Although he may know at some basic level he's doing something wrong, he does not have the impulse control to stop the behavior. I'm not making excuses for my husband or yours for their bad behavior but the lack of impulse control and hypersexual behavior are hallmarks of FTD.

As you know from my previous posts to you, I was disgusted by my husband's internet porn addiction, so I can only imagine my feelings if he was doing the things your spouse did.

Ann, I went to the bank last week to no avail. They said as long as it's in DH name he would have to personally come into the bank to report it.
LFL, in so many ways I think that the FTD is worse than the alzheimers disease (not to minizime those who spouses have it because I am not), but because DH has both the FTD and Alzheimers Disease I think we would have more control over their this hypersexual crap. LFL, just how long did you spouse go though this? I have shortened DH's leash so tight now he's on a chocker-collar. Losing his driving priviledges took my links off his collar :) now he can't just jump in his sedan go....for hours on end to the nearest "working girl" It's so unbelievable that a man of this age can do it. Crazy

Lillie
Have you tried going online to cancel the card? If there is no account set up online you can set one up. I am sure you know his Ss number. If you have power of attorney take it to a branch. I applied for a card in my name and cancelled his. I then got a card on my account with his name on it. I can cancel his name at anytime. Also I know we do fiblets, take the card and when he can't find it tell him it needs to be canceled. I have all our accounts with an alert at the bank to call me if anyone comes in to get money besides me. They cannot stop him from getting money but I will know if he is up to anything. I did this because he kept talking about a motorcycle. He said if he can't drive a car he could that. That's just that poor judgement thing. You can red flag or freeze credit also. That would keep him from applying for another one. I have worked in banking for many years. When someone we knew for awhile had things cone up we helped them. We followed banking laws, but did everything we could to help.

I reduced his credit card over the internet. I went onto his account and sent them a message pretending I was him and said I wanted the amount reduced because I had dementia. They reduced it and when the time comes I'll do the same thing to get it cancelled.

I can't believe their lack of awareness with this disease. My hubby proceeded last evening to tell me about all the women he has looked at...but not touched and how many women would love to be with him. Well I'm thinking to myself....right, you're an imputent old man with dementia and fading fast and if there are women out there that want you, well have at it!

Or he say how wonderful our marriage is....Are you serious! He sure can't see it from my eyes.

Ann, thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I appreciate them!

JackieM29, Your ideas are great however, at this time my DH has is more with it. He would immediately know that I have taken matters into my own hands. He's at the point where he's very clever and crafty, but financially dangerous. He works on auto pilot and his coping skills are well skilled in that if you met my on the street you wouldn't know anything was wrong with him.

LFL, holy crap...2-3 years! Good grief lady how on earth did you survibve this sh..? DH is in the stage where he thinks only of himself and thinks all woman want sleep with him for the right price. He told me last week he spent %500 on one prostitute for a session! Sad but that same month was our anniversary....no gift, no card, nothing. Christmas was a repeat for the same! Deep down in side I know he knows what he's doing is wrong otherwise he won't have tried to hide his infidety. Today he was very ugly and nasty to me no matter how well I treat him. He's becoming more and more repulsive to me. Why are we in this LFL?

Amber, I am sorry that your husband's words are so hurtful. Well, so your husband thinks his marriage is wonderful.....what makes you moviated to continue to be his caretaker? I don't mean to pry, but I am questioning my reasoning and perhaps you and LFL can shred some light on why I am still tuffing it out.

JudithKB, the doctors are very aware for him engaging in activities with prostitues. He has openly admitted receiving and paying for oral sex with them. He was checked for veneral disease and his neuro. guy spoke to him about how dangerous his reckless behavior with them is. Of course, he has probably forgetten this and it's fallen on deaf ears. No, according to the attending physcians there is no medicine that can how his sexual addiction. Possibly because it's not physical but more mental.

Ladies...I appreciate that you have taken the time to write. May your weekend be a peaceful one.

Amber, around 10 years ago I talked with my lawyer in how to handle my father's credit cards when I took over his finances. My father always spent money with no consideration of paying it back this was fine while my mother was alive, she handled the finances. But after she died he would buy whatever he wanted.

I asked about letting my father have a single credit card with a low limit. My lawyer recommended no because the credit card company will increase his limit any time they wanted. The rules change every month so any agreement you make with them can disappear. Now that they know he has dementia he is a mark. Credit card companies make lots of money from people who never pay off their cards

My lawyer recommended setting up a bank account for my father with a limited amount of money and a debit card with no overdraft protection. We also had a savings account with the bank and it was a senior account so no monthly charges. This worked well.

Caring for a sweet compliant AD spouse is so hard in so many ways. I'm wondering how in the world some of you are able to stay and care for one who is mean, abusive, or having some of the financial or sexual problems discussed here. I'm a pretty patient person but I really don't think I could stay. You have my utmost respect and admiration.

Paulc, how do the credit card companies make money off of people who don't pay off their cards?