Are things looking a bit brighter today, Julia? Having just read your comments on the "feeling empty" thread, I am worrying about you. Please speak to your Dr about medication, you really won't become addicted and just a small (or large!) dose of anti- depressant will help. You have been through so much, with placement that you didn't really want to do and then the ensuing problems so it would be a sign of strength not weakness to look out for your own well being. Take care Julia and how is your DH ?
I'm hanging in there Cassie*. Some days better than others, just feel like there's nothing to look forward to. Two weddings coming up in the new year, son and grand daughter, but even that I can't get excited about....because he won't be able to go too. The house feels so empty without him....miss him so much! Feeling overwhelmed with the everyday things to take care of, bills to pay...they seem never ending, clearing out stuff that he hoarded and having to ask son when I need help with something around the house. I'm trying to fight these feelings...perhaps it's time to see my Dr..I haven't been to see the Dr since Dh went in, nearly 4 months now. I had enough med scripts to see me through.
DH seems to have finally settled quite well, he's a lot clamer... he has declined a lot since he's been in there. Very confused, says he built the place. Everytime I go, there he is slumped in a chair, head down dribbling...looking so sad. We have nothing to talk about. His old boss and wife went to see him, DH held her hand the whole time they were there. He was so happy to see them. ...even said what a good life he has, thanked God for it, said he wouldn't change anything....OMG! Here's me thinking "what good life now!"
Thank you Cassie* for thinking of me...it just seems all surreal, like an never ending nightmare...
Oh Julia, that all sounds so dreadful! No wonder you feel so bad. Please do see your Dr soon as there is still a long road ahead for you. Glad that your DH seems more settled at the NH. It is dreadful to watch their decline but what can we do but cope or fall into a big black hole of despair. (Then what happens to your DH?) You are stronger than you think or you wouldn't still be here! Look after yourself Julia and remember that the the wise ones on this site say, "medication is our friend".
Cassie*, I'm starting to feel / think I need help now, can't go on like this, putting up a front, kidding myself that I'm ok, when I'm not really. Time to make that Dr appointment. I'm not crying as much, just feel empty, sad and an overwhelming sense of hopelessness...if there is such a word
Son and I will see Dh today...it's a wet miserable day or we would take him out to the forshore for lunch...we're not far from the beach.
Thank you again..I don't post often, just read and take in what's written.
Oh Julia, I feel your pain. I keep telling everyone I'm OK, but I just think that I am trying to convince myself. I babysat for my granddaughters tonight & when I got home I just started crying. I guess it's times like this that I truly realize that I am alone. I am also going to the doctor for a check up. I know that he will prescribe something for me if I ask, just not sure I will ask …..yet.
Oh Elaine....I think of you often. It's the evenings when I feel it the most too. Sitting there watching TV alone, I keep looking over to where Dh used to sit, he's not there, and I start crying... Trying hard to sleep in the middle of the bed...that's so hard to do, somehow I wake up on my usual side...again alone. I really don't want to take anything, but I don't know how long I can go on kidding myself. Like you I don't know if I would ask for something...I'll see if the Dr will pick up on my emotional state and say something...
Everyone tells me it's for the best... Today Dh was so sweet and calm, I could have brought him home...
I am so sorry you are hurting so much Julia. If it helps any, my DH also says he has a good life. And I think in a way, in their world they do. I have never been on any type of anti depressants before but several family members have, and they have done well with them. I am going to talk with my doctor about them the next time I go to see him. We have talked about them and he is ready to set me up with something when I give him the go ahead. My PCP is also my DH PCP. So he knows what I am dealing with.
Julia, do you have a pet? I find my cats and dogs bring me some comfort. Some days they make me crazy, but in a good way. Even a small fish to just watch. Buy yourself some flowers for the house. Or maybe a fancy cup of coffee. I know they won't heal a broken heart, but maybe it will make the pain not so deep.
Oh Blue, thank you so much for your caring comment. We are all going through so much pain in our lives. Of all the diseases, why did it have to be this one our LO's had to get.... I guess if they're not in pain, have good care, fed and have not have to worry about anything....it's a good life to them.
No, I don't have a pet, friends and family are trying to talk me into getting a little lap dog. I'm not really a pet person, but I will think about it. Today DD and I are going shopping for outfits to wear to my GD's wedding in early January, that should pass some time and cheer me up for the day . We'll have lunch out and have a nice girly day together.....and some nice flowers sound lovely Blue.
Hugs back to you from Down Under....we'll get through this together ♥
Fish are soothing - when we use to have 3 tanks years ago I would sit and just watch the little guys swim peacefully around, or chase each other - even the bubbles from the filter were soothing.
Julia, Make a list of things you want your doctor to know and questions you want to ask. They can't read your mind and you can just hand them the list if you can't talk about it. I can feel your pain and emptiness in your writing and you need something to pick you up, meds or a pet or anything to lift you up. This too shall pass, just hang on. Sometimes just finding someone who will listen to you vent will help a lot. Thinking of you.
Charlotte...fish sound nice and easy to care for. We had them when the kids were growing up...Just some little gold fish I can talk to and keep me company I think will be good...
Dorie....Yes, I need to make a list. When i get to the Dr's I usually forget or think "what's the point, I need to get over it myself"...but this time i think I've been down for far too long.. Yesterday was a good day...DD took me shopping, I bought an outfit for my Grand-daughter wedding in January...just to get out, have a fun girlie day was so good...and i came home with a beautiful outfit, shoes and a purse....felt like a million dollars in it all at the shop. Dd was amazing, she made sure i has fun, and she ended up with nothing for herself, she's been so supportive and a blessing...it was a lovely day.
Your day out sounded like good fun, Julia. I am thinking that it has probably been a while since you spent time thinking about your own needs so perhaps this will be a good start! And if you are able, do try to speak to your Dr as well. You have been to hell and back,Julia, just to ensure that your DH settled well into the NH and then, that he was cared for in a satisfactory manner so it is ok now to look after yourself for a change. And good luck in the Melbourne Cup!
Hi cassie*...no luck in the Melbourne cup, hope you did tho.
After such a lovely day on Monday, it made me think that I do need to think more about me now. I can't change anything so I need to get on with it and try to have some sort of life. I walk around the house telling myself..."come on girl, you can't go on like this, snap out of it" I can't remember the last time I bought any clothes for myself, seeing all the lovely summer pastels in the shops now .... I think a going over my wardrobe is my next job here.
I hope you can do something kind for yourself Julia. I follow your thoughts and as I am in the line to place him soon, the way that you and others feel here really impacts me. Sometimes, I think, well I am different, I am tough as nails.....and it it not true. Strong yes, tough maybe not so much.
Julia you know the old advice, sometimes we just have to FORCE ourselves to get on a project we keep putting off, or as in your case , force yourself to do something good. Yesterday in a fit of anger and major stress, I ravaged under our house in boxes that I had not looked at in 7 years since our move from Maui, something I have been wanting to do. Dust flew and rubbish piled high, and still in a fit, drove the truck up to dump a good load. I even left him at home for that 10 minutes, stupid, but I just could not half carry him to the truck slowly slowly and then half lift him in.
Please do something nice, how I would love to hear you found a lovely hobby group or something. (Julia)
Oh Coco...what a tough journey we're on. Thank you for your thoughts.
I do have a nice quilting group that I go to, some of the girls have known us for 15 years, Dh even made some of them quilt hangers in the good days before all this...so they are very supportive.
I thought I was strong and tough too Coco, but this has been so hard, I have had some dark days when I don't think I can go on without him. Thank goodness my DD has been there for us.
Dumping that load would have been like dumping a load off your shoulders Coco...good for you, it must have felt so good at the time. I'll be thinking of you when the day comes for Dados placement....it will be hard Coco, but you'll know it was time.
As Elaine said in another thread, I too visit him hold his hand, he tells me he loves me, he looks so sad, it breaks my heart, takes all my being not to break down in front of him. It does make me think of how much I do love him, and wish I could turn back time, perhaps I didn't show it enough when he was home.... Hugs ♥