Time waits for no man. Notice however that it says nothing about waiting for women. In all respects except one men get the short end of the stick so to speak. Women are made of nice things. Men are apparently made of snail leftovers.
I hope that every one of us catch some kind of break somewhere this month that goes our way and suprises us.
I can tell you that from my limited experience what I see is that it doesn't matter whether you're incredibly good looking, outrageously rich, or have a brain the size of a planet. I know people who are rich ($20M+) and miserly, fabulous looking and just plain mean, and smart as a tack but stuck in a rut.
Personally, now that I have come through the terribly hard part of home care, and am long in the tooth in the emotionally hard part of nursing home, I realize that despite my shortcomings I have also done good things and I have certainly given more than I ever imagined I would be called on.
For me life is real in the simple things now. And as I ran just now because the Blue Jay called who showed up just two days ago and is now back the third day in a row - I understood I really didn't care who was training who, I just wanted to get to the peanuts and throw them out the window into the backyard.
I'm thankful for - my sister. My sister moved into our home, quit one of her part time nursing jobs and is DH's daytime caregiver. She is such a blessing. She lived next door in our parents home. The house was too big for her so she decided to sell the house and look for something smaller. I offered her my home and she gladly moved in. We get along wonderfully. Before this, I was looking into nursing homes for DH. I wasn't able to manage him. He had become mean and nasty towards me and hit me once in the arm on the side where I had just had breast cancer surgery. I was diagnosed after a routine mamogram. After work I drive 20 minutes for radiatiom which makes my day even longer. If I had to hire a sitter for DH I would be paying someone for a 10 hour day 5 days a week. Thank God for sisters!
Wolf, Give the Blue Jay and extra peanut from me :)
We have reindeer out in the front yard of our neighbors. They came out the day after Halloween. I have though of putting up my Charlie Brown tree already. Not going to be a big Christmas here. Now that I am not working, we are a little tight. DD does not want anything, so she does not care. Her holiday is Thanksgiving, as long as she gets turkey and stuffing she is good to go for the holidays. We are planning on going to my sisters for dinner. Good times. No cooking or cleaning for me.
I just wrote a friend on what is happening and thought instead of re writing would copy and paste here, omitting names etc. This is my November update.
Oh yeah, you all rock, you really do.
Update...
I am so torn about "placing" Dado, the main reason has now come down to finances, as I am only 57 and cannot collect SS, I still need to work. We could not make it on his income. I used to think another important reason was that I NEEDED to get out and have the stimulation of company, now, that is secondary. As I watch him go through this I just ache with pain for him, and wish I could just keep him here for the duration. It is getting really hard though, especially with all the falls. And a couple of times his temper has flared and he tried to push me a bit. It has not escalated past that, and he cried after he felt so bad.
I keep thinking I want him to "tip over", go in to a phase where he really does not know me or where he is. Then, maybe, it will not be so hard for him. It is close. So...with the advice of friends and loved ones, I am going to fill out the medicaid papers...then file them. If it is approved it takes about 3 months. There is an adult foster home close to here that I would apply for. SO, if it passes, I figure, if I cannot do it, I will change my mind at that time and have to go through the application process all over again if need be.
The friend that just left was here for two weeks. She was just wonderful, and she stayed in a tiny little hut in our back yard. She cooked for us and made Dado smile, and he even was aware enough to cry when she left. The other gal is renting the house next door for a few months, different story there. She is bi polar, and holes herself up in her room for days. When she is around she is whiny and negative and I have told her not to come over when she is in her manic phase. Already after only two weeks she has had a fit at me and even yelled. Damn I have enough going on, even though she has profusely apologized I am regretting that I helped her secure that rental. One thing though, taking care of an Alzheimer patient has hardened me to "bull****", my meter is way high and I simply will not take it. So she is over there now in her "down" phase hiding out, and can stay there for the duration of her stay.
In conclusion, your comments on loneliness do not totally surprise me as we know how family and "friends" do not want to be around it. And let me say, it is sometimes too much work when they say, oh, let us pay someone to watch him and we can go out and have fun. Not an easy task and sometimes better to refrain. We had Dado stay 24 hours at a respite center up here, and the time went so fast. Emotions flooded me as I tried to enjoy dinner out and later just sat on the beach half drunk and cried.
So that is that. Wolf a peanut from me too. Mag I too am so glad you have such a wonderful sister, and prayers going out for you for a complete healing. Blue a reindeer!! Do you live at the north pole??
My brother's birthday was the 1st...now here comes Thanksgiving and all the preps for Christmas and the delimas about what to do...do we go over the river and through the woods..oh wait most here are the grandma's house...well do we plan a get together of just pop a Cornish game hen in the oven and pretend it is a big turkey with the trimmings? In my case, do I put up a Christmas tree or not? Hubby would love it but I can see the 8 month old kittens taking a giant leap into the branches and pulling it all down...Xena always looks up and goes for that shelf or hutch or whatever that she thinks she can make...nothing holds her back...The 6.5 earthquake 10 years ago didn't knock it down but it is amazing what 2 kittens could do...
November used to be a special month for me. My bithday, our anniversary and Thanksgiving are all in the same week. That changed last year after placing DH. I spent my 25th anniversay in a cardio class with tears running down my cheek, feeling alone in a class of strangers. I spent Thanksgiving home alone (except for the dogs), after visiting DH.
I don't even remember my birthday, but I suppose I try to forget those anyway, now that I am in my 50s.
I'll go buy some peanuts today for the feeder, as Wolf mentions, and work on that gratitude thing. But that will be after I figure out how I am going to pay for DH's care costs for the rest of the year.
The holidays will not be like they used to be. I am now alone, too. Perhaps it's time to invent new "traditions". Several places in my community are having Thanksgiving dinners-not the kind for the poor but the kind for folks all alone. It takes a bit of courage to go it alone-but perhaps new friends are waiting to be met. This takes even more courage-but would you consider asking neighbors if you could join them for their dinner.
Coco, the reindeer are the wooden kind. LOL. Poor Thanksgiving just gets more and more lost every year.
dog, Happy Birthday. You don't look a day over 35.
Mimi, The fun days of picking up the tree many times a day after the cats knocked it over. And by Christmas all the decorations just thrown back on. We have had many a crazy kitten destroy our tree through the years. We even had one who would sleep in the tree. She was a young kitten and would lay up in the branches and sleep away the day. It was to funny. Thanks for making me remember that. She is now a 7 year old, 15 pound baby kitten :)
Never mind your navy seal kittens. I have four fat bluejays so full of peanuts they can't fly anymore and are racing the chipmunks on the ground for the nuts.
Travel Article in Today's Paper. Article content is irrelevant to us, but the Sub headline "Being alone for the holidays doesn't mean being lonely, not when you can discover new things or learn something new all without the family being in tow....It's the perfect time of the year to be with the one you love the most: yourself.....If you're single, alone, divorced or widowed, no need to wallow, indulge yourself. While others are stuck in traffic heading to dinner with "the family," you can be doing whatever you chose to do."
Today we did the last of the outside winterizing (hopefully). Wrapped the hose in foil (conducts the heat around the hose), taped the heat tape on, wrapped the foam on it. The sun was shinning on it to so the self sticking adhesive kept separating. Even the duct tape would not stick on the foam - we put it over the seam to make it more waterproof. Pulled the hose and popped the hose off the outlet going into the MH twice. We are letting it sit for a couple days and then see if we need to wrap more duct tape around it. We will hang a light in the bay where the water panel is to keep it from freezing there since the heat tape does not go up all the way.
We will be in the 70s until Thursday then it cools off to the 50s daytime, 20s nightime. Dh didn't have duct tape or the roll he had disappeared so went to Walmart to get more. ON the way, after putting the heat tape and foam on, he asks "how do we do this - foam then tape the heat tape over it?" He was so exhausted he didn't remember what we had just done. He can remember when he visits with people while I work, but not so many other things. But, then again, who knows how much of what he tells me is true.
Work is going fine except my hours are getting cut due to another workamper couple starting this week. Not sure how long they will last. When they first arrived last week their hot water tank was leaking. They did nothing about that. Friday their propane was leaking. They had an external tank that was shut off but people still complained. Later it was discovered he had disconnected the propane from the hot water tank but had the main tank on the motorhome sill turned on for the furnace. There was propane spewing out for hours until someone figured it out. The people were gone all day. We could have had some big fireworks if someone had walked by smoking. These people are weird - hope they work out OK. I have not talked or seen them but others have and said the guy looks ready to have a heart attack and the woman talks constantly.
I have enjoyed the extra money for the extra hours worked. In a way, wish it would keep up but will be down to 6-8 hours a week paid which is better than nothing.
November...and getting chilly! Not bad so far. I've gotten a lot of "I love you"s in the past week, along with inarticulate and random words, but I can see he's at least seeing me and knowing me sometimes when I'm with him, and that's a nice thing. Weird how this illness can travel around the brain in the sense that you just never know what part is going to be working from one day to the next--whether you'll get a crazy rambling person, or someone who at least sort of seems content and placid.
Has turned much colder here in PA since Sandy.I hate DST, it seems to really get the dog all off schedule, DH can't relate to what time it is,so doesn't matter to him.Sandy brought all the leaves down,they were knee deep , some church group came saturday and raked them all to back of property and did odd cleanup. So nice of them, told me to call them if I needed more done.There are still good people around.
Mimi, I have been following your posts, and my heart is with you. Today in Hawaii Nei, at least where we live, is crisp clear and lots of flowers. I was noticing when I drove up to our yard yesterday how nicely our trees are filling out, after 7 years here. Our subdivision is wild and wooly with gravel side roads and even places where people camp in bushes. (let em go I say) Our little place looks like an oasis in the desert.
Coco it is so nice that you can still appreciate living in paradise with all your heartache. My magnolia tree always seems to have a few blooms. I have frangrant orchids on my lanai.
Two nice things already in November. On Halloween, just as the sun was setting, the power to the top half of our entire house started going on and off, causing the house alarm to go on with every reset -- loudly! Along with the porch light going on and off, I could see worried parents outside the gate, wondering if we were haunted, crazy, or just having fun. With the possibility of little kids tripping down the dark stairs, we shut down Halloween pretty quickly! The nice thing was how helpful the man from the power company was. Not only did he come the next day to assess the problem, but he then checked his shop for extra parts (the panel is very, very old) and then came back and spent three hours installing everything. Technically, he's not supposed to do that, but he was being very kind. The next night, our lovely neighbor brought over chicken tortilla soup, with all the fixings. Wow, I can't remember the last time someone made dinner for me! It was delicious and we ate it for two days :) Unexpected generosity so very much appreciated.
A nice AD moment was when the very first trick or treater showed up early, before I'd had a chance to corral the dogs. They had left the gate open so I couldn't open the door because the dogs would bolt. So I yelled at them through the door to wait, and tried to chase down the excited dogs and put them in the bedroom. A good plan until Hubby heard their barking and went around to the other bedroom door and let them out. Three times. It was just too exciting for everyone. I kept yelling for the kids to wait, the dogs were barking and running around and Hubby was saying, "What, what?" I finally got all three of them into one room, closed the door and shoveled some candy to the trick or treaters, who by this time were completely baffled and I think as appalled as 8 year olds could be. It was kind of hilarious but exactly the kind of drama I know I'm supposed to avoid--still, think of them standing there listening to the barking and yelling, uncertain if they should go or stay, deciding to respect my command to wait and unwilling to walk away from a potential treat and lose their invested time. And then the lights went out and the alarm sounded ... LOL!
November....our anniversary has come and gone. We got married on my Mom's birthday and she has come and gone. Our grandson Alexander (who lives with us) turned 18 so his childhood has come and gone. Lloyd's cousin passed away a few days ago and he hasn't a clue. So far November sucks. Sorry for raining on your parades.
linda mc, its sad to experience when things are so final. we realize they will never be the same again and its depressing. i wish you a belated anniversary wish and hope the months ahead are better. divvi
Got a laugh today = was talking to one of the women whose husband works at Amazon. She was talking about someone I never heard of. She said 'oh, you guys are too young to remember him'. Turns out she is younger than both of us. I turned 60 last month, she turns 60 this month. She couldn't believe Art was 65 or I was 60 because of no gray hair I guess. I love when people start in about how much older they are than me and turns out they are not. :-)
Thanks, divvi and Coco. It is my goal to stay positive...to take my lemons and make lemonade...but sometimes this little Alice gets sucked down the rabbit hole. AND, Charlotte, you can have some of my gray hair if you want. Alzheimer's gave me gray hair. I think I will blame everything on that today .......and tomorrow......and next week, too!
I believe God delayed the gray hair cause he knew all the other crap I would go through in life. Right now I am not ready for gray hair. It is bad enough the 60 pounds alzheimer added to me.
When I took dh to vote the other day...(background -we vote in a rural area, have lived in area for 30 years where dh was a in prominent well-known position) everyone greeted him by name and shook his hand...even I knew most of them and I only worked part-time and not well-known...as we left he said bemusedly "They all know me..." I was thinking yeah of course and at least half of them were probably clients of his.... Jheesh. He is happy at least.
Bunny such great halloween story. Happy anniv. Linda sorry you are down. Thank you for being here and sharing. Charlotte you do look young! :-)
Getting on with my life, I am back working again. My old employer called me up out of the blue and asked me if I would work supporting a customer on site in Midland, Tx. I did that for a month and then the customer wants to hire me. I told them that I only wanted to work out of town 1 week per month, being I am newly married and did not want to be gone most of the time. They have agreed and pay me for my travel time and hotel expenses. It allows me to bring in some needed income and to get back to the real world.
We are planning to winter in Florida and spend the summer in a cooler place than North Texas. They have agreed to pay for my airfare too. I could not imagine a better deal and life is good. My new wife owned a home health company and has direct care experience with Alz. She fully understands what I spent the last 5 years doing.
I'm happy for you Bob. That all sounds pretty good. I talked to another friend who's wife passed away and he's now remarried. He said it's all there inside; but, it's also a blessing to be living life again.
emily, maybe it's an attitude shift for many women. We are still addressing the generational shift from the single earner to two earner families. There are still a lot of women from the former group who may not have known much about checkbooks and finances, taxes, and car repairs, etc. but they had to learn . . .and they did. Now, finally free of being "the homemaker" and free of the Caregiving, they're realizing they like the autonomy. There are women Caregivers from these Boards who have remarriued as well, but maybe we're less aware of them because they blend with the larger number of women Caregivers, overall.
Yes, I suppose that's part of it too. After 8 months in the "almost single" category (spouse in ALF,) I'm finding I DON'T relish single-hood, but then for me it was all about the relationship from the get-go, and dependence was never an issue. But anyway, it does lead me to examine the likelihood of a future relationship serendipitously appearing for middle-aged women, and acknowledge that, given the odds, I'd probably better learn to enjoy the positive aspects of singleness.
This coming February, Claude will have been gone four years. I'm still single, not looking and am enjoying my "singleness". I have been a caregiver since my early teens when I helped my sister raise her three kids. I married young, had to take care of my first husband as his mother did absolutely everything for him including picking up his socks and dirty underwear up off the floor!!!!! I was a single mother for several years until I met and married Claude. We were together nearly 39 years.
Even tho Alzheimer's didn't officially rear its ugly head until about 2003, the signs were there many years before. He had five major surgeries between 1991 and 2003 and after each one, he became more and more dependent on me. Thankfully, with the helps of my kids who moved home to help me and later hospice, I was able to keep him home until the end.
For the first time in 50+ years, I can do what I want, when I want. altho financially I can't do everything I would like to do. My kids and I still share a house, but each of us does our own thing, and when we want to be together, we can.
Some people have said that I have developed a selfish attitude but at least at the present time, I don't want to have to take care of someone again. I would like someone to take care of me for a change.
It is Veteran's Day.. Be sure to honor all vets you know who served...some are our dear spouses who now may not even remember they served at all. My DH does and he loves to look at his medals.
Today is the 18th anniversary of my mother's death....seems like yesterday. She died of ALZ.
It's hard beening happy during the holidays especially. All this thoughts and now NOTHING but loney. So sorry blue that you are on my page and chapter in life.
First Thanksgiving since LO passed in Feb,two daugthers living in Naples,one in AZ an the fourth working so I guess I'm on my own,too bad all the single spouses couldn't be together for the holidays,what stories we could tell huh,I notice lots of names missing from years gone by so I assume they've found someone or something to keep them busy,I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving
Snow fell almost two weeks ago and it was just a light covering but never went away. Only now is it virtually gone. This doesn't feel like last year and the local almanac and the weather service is predicting a heavy than normal snowfall this year.
At least my christmas tree is already up.
That was November 2012, a month I will always remember because in it my life changed again.
I'm going to find all the xmas tree bulbs I hid to save them and put them back up on the tree. My wife collected them her whole life and every "bulb" is actually a special ornament the story of which my wife could have told you. All I know is they meant something to her and they're going up.
I hope that everyone has a kindness given to them that touches their heart this christmas season. It was such a hard thing to face the last few years my christmas tree never came down and it took me months just to notice it was there. I know that in those years every little kindness was like a warm fire for the troubled soul.
Most of my ornaments are from trips we went on. I'll admit I felt rather sad putting them on the tree this year. (first Christmas that DH is gone). But, on the other hand, it reminded me of happier times.
All of my ornaments were my son's from his younger days, or ones he had given me through the years. Last year I could not put them up - and gave them to my sister to use. I know they will be taken care of. Since I went from 7 large trees - down to one table top, everything is new, but that's ok. I still like to see the lights twinkling. Such a sad time of the year for so many of us.
The last few years we didn't do a tree. DH didn't want one and physically, I couldn't. Everything is different now. I have a new creche to put out. I decided I do want a tree--a little one. I was having no luck, until yesterday. I told my sister of my fruitless efforts to find a little tree. While we were out for an appointment, she stopped at several stores on the way home. At one she found a prelit tree (artificial) a little less than 2 ' high, including the base, which looks like a root ball tied in red/green plaid fabric. While looking for a boxed one, a store manager asked if she needed help. She explained. He verified they had no more. She asked if he could give her a deal on the display model. He gave her 25% off. She gave me my tree. Now I have the fun of finding "little" ornaments.